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Original poster

Lies (involves drugs so please no pearl clutching )

50 replies

Fuckingtwattyhusband · 13/10/2023 22:55

I'm putting this here mainly so I don't brush over it tomorrow.

When DH and I met 10 years ago we were both into recreational drugs - it was just a bit of a thing in our social circles. I realised after a while that for him it was a bit more serious than that, and at the time he lied to me about it a lot. We had quite a few problems immediately after we got married but he sorted himself out, but if I'm honest it's always in the back of my mind how he was back then. For the last 7 maybe 8 years I've lost interest in it completely. No problems if he wants to do stuff on a night out with friends, carry on, but I've told him no lying about it, there's no need.

But...a few times when we've had a few drinks just us two together recently, I've noticed he looks like he's had a line of Coke later on in the night. Always strenuously denied, and generally we've both been a bit drunk, so I've sort of half believed him and let it slide. I actually don't care that much about the drugs, just the sneakiness.

Tonight he's been on a night out. Came home early, pissed, had some food and another glass of wine, very chatty, telling me all about his night, all good. I pop out to the shop, come back and he's sat there glazed staring at the TV, just looking like he's done some coke (and for those of you that know, you'll know what I mean). I've accused him, he's denied it, argument goes on for ages. So I check in his home office...lo and behold a few sprinkles of it on the desk. I tasted it. It's coke. I call him up, he still flat out denies it, it's not coke, he doesn't know what I'm on about, this is ridiculous , he hasn't been in the office lalala. He's just repeating himself constantly. I'm stone cold sober, I'm not stupid, I tell him that I know he's lying, he still denies it. The worst of it is when I first asked him I made him swear on the dogs life, and he did. My lovely little dog.

I've told him we'll talk about it tomorrow when he's sober, but he needs to fess up and talk to me about it properly or I'll be calling a divorce lawyer on Monday. I was deadly serious and i hope he knows that. But I know tomorrow he'll still deny it and gaslight me like he's done before. Our marriage is pretty decent apart from this occasionally occurring issue, but I can't let this go on, i cant trust him and it makes me wonder what else he's lied about I can't think of a way to make him tell the truth though. I've just come up to bed and shut the door, left him downstairs just looking sort of vacant.

Sorry that's long. And I don't even know what I'm asking. I just needed to write it down.

OP posts:
HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/10/2023 23:23

Didn’t want to leave you unanswered.

If you tasted it and are sure then there is not much else to do but state and enforce your boundary when he is sober again.

I would spend the time thinking about what exactly your red line is and what you will do if (when?) it’s crossed.

Then approach the conversation in a tone that is not “did you do coke?” but rather more along the lines of “I KNOW you did it so this is what is happening next”.

I am sorry this happened. Addiction is a bitch. Check out narcotics anonymous for more support.

Brocollimatilda · 13/10/2023 23:36

Lying and ime unnecessary lying seems to go with addiction.

I guess just know your red lines and then stick to them.

LadyLolaRuben · 13/10/2023 23:39

I don't understand why he's being secretive if you're so open about it. He must be hiding something, as a PP has suggested, is it an addiction?

GreyTS · 13/10/2023 23:41

Shit! I don't like that, the lying, I don't mind a bit of recreational class A's (yes I know, I understand the industry, I know what I can live with) but the lying suggests he has a habit beyond what you'd be ok with.

Mumoftwotoddlers · 13/10/2023 23:42

Is it possible he's spending large amounts on it and is ashamed? Or ashamed of how much/how often he's using?
Not really got any advice but him lying is definitely not acceptable

nc10q924870148u12q · 13/10/2023 23:46

There's an old saying OP - you cannot wake a person who's pretending to sleep.
Has this started recently?

Circumferences · 13/10/2023 23:56

It's a terrible situation isn't it, you've said you don't particularly mind his using (within reason) because you're open minded about it, but he's lied to you and that's a total betrayal.

It's the lying that hurts. I'd suspect he's gotten into the habit of using more frequently maybe more than is reasonable so lying comes with that because he feels guilty. Wants to cover it up.

Rockingchai · 14/10/2023 04:25

I agree that he will be using a lot more than you have realised. My ex was an alcoholic. This behaviour rings so many bells - the lying, the absolute denial in the face of evidence. It can make you feel like you are losing your mind - the denial is so adamant that you doubt the evidence of your own senses. A sure sign of addiction.

PinkMoscatoLover · 14/10/2023 04:33

I’m another who doesn’t understand the lying if you’re open minded and okay with it. I also wonder if maybe he has an addiction and is spending way more money on this then he should be.

I don’t think you should have to live with this especially if it’s the first time. If he can’t even admit it’s coke when you speak to him later today despite the fact that you tasted it, then where do you go from here?

Yocal · 14/10/2023 04:39

I couldn't put up with this.
However, you are responsible for your decision to get married to a coke user. That is the risk you took. Coke users can turn into what your husband is. A selfish lying prick.

You need to decide for yourself what you will or won't tolerate from right now.

I couldn't be married to somebody who is behaving like this. It would infuriate me and I would not spend my life looking after someone like your husband. He is spending your family money on drugs and lying about it. I'd tell him to leave and get back in touch when he has sorted himself out. If you haven't found somebody else by then. Tough love. Good luck sorting it out.

WandaWonder · 14/10/2023 04:43

You knew what you were getting into, same as being a little bit pregnant, you can't really be surprised he is this way? You either accept him for what he is or not

Ragwort · 14/10/2023 05:25

You need to accept your relationship is over .. he lies, he doesn't care that you know he lies ... he just lies more. You can't 'make' him tell you the truth. The drug taking is more important for him than your marriage.

Don't allow yourself to have any heart to heart, tearful discussions.. just firmly state you are seeking a divorce and get on with the rest of your life.

PeakABoocha · 14/10/2023 06:27

Yep, I suspect he is using it much more than you think/have noticed.
He knows he is addicted and from the earlier years, knows it will be a problem to you.
Hence the lies

AuntieStella · 14/10/2023 07:09

OK, he fooled you once with the extent of his using, and you thought you'd sorted that out 7-8 years ago, and that he barely used and when he did it was within what you had agreed (occasional, not at home)

But now he's using at home (which does suggest his use away from home has been more extensive than he led you to believe, or if he didn't do coke before then its something he has become dependent on very quickly) and that breaches what the two of you had agreed, plus he's treating you like a fool with attempts at denial (though that occurred under the influence, but it might still sting)

Does he have somewhere that he could stay for a few days whilst you work through your feelings about this?

pieintheski · 14/10/2023 07:14

His use and his spending is out of control and he is trying to cover it up, looks like addiction, and likely to get worse

Maray1967 · 14/10/2023 07:20

The only acceptable level of drug use to me is none.

If you get involved with people who do it for a bit of fun there is no way you can guarantee they will not turn into an addict. He’s a liar and an addict - I’d be out of this marriage.

gelatogina · 14/10/2023 07:26

You can buy wipes on Amazon which change colour if they detect cocaine. Give his desk a swipe over and you’ll have your confirmation.

Ffsnotaconference · 14/10/2023 07:27

So he did the coke before he went out or when he got home while you are the shop? If it was in his desk it must have been one or the other. And leaving a noticeable amount of poster in the desk seems very stupid.

If he did it before he went out he must have taken more while he was out. It’s not one line is it? And why does he have to take it to go out?

If he took it after he had been out, come home, are and was watching TV, you went out so he went and did another line that’s indicative of someone who does a lot.

He isn’t admitting it because it’s not occasional drug use. Your husband has a huge issue with drugs.

theduchessofspork · 14/10/2023 07:41

Given that you have been clear you don’t mind him using occasionally, the only explanation seems to be that he’s using a lot more than occasionally. The fact he used once at home at the end of a night would seem to support this, as I don’t think a very occasional user would do that.

If you can, you might want to make yourself scarce or busy today, and then have a conversation on Sunday when he won’t have a hangover and is more likely to absorb that he is about to lose everything, rather than go into auto denial like a kid that’s been caught.

You can’t force him to stop obviously, so you just have to explain that you don’t want to live with someone who lies or someone that is more than an occasional user, so you are sorry but it is over. A trial separation might possibly make him re-evaluate

thatwassociopathic · 14/10/2023 07:58

I couldn't be bothered going through tho again op, this will be your life going forwards and please do yourself a favour and do not have kids with this man. Your life will be 10x harder having to police this shit and it'll detract from you as a mum. Hard as it is and nice as he may be, he's a drug addict and nowhere near stopping. He can't even admit it.

Forgotmylogindetails · 14/10/2023 08:02

It’s a never ending cycle and the lies look like he’s using much more than he’s letting on.

I left because I’m not being lied to.

it’s up to you what you do x

i fucking hate coke x

HighlandCowbag · 14/10/2023 08:13

If you know when he's used it (and I agree it's a pretty obvious vibe) then you know how often he is and when. So I don't think he is using more than the occasional time.

I think the issue is obviously the lying but asking him when he is pissed and on coke will get you nowhere. He lied because he was pissed and on coke! That's what it does, turns you into a knob.

Ask him again this morning but 'why did you lie?'. It will be no more sinister than he felt stupid for using on a friday night sat at home. Probably had a bit left in his pocket from the afternoon/evening out, fancied it because its obviously quite moreish, then felt a knob about it.

You are either open and don't mind him doing it. Or you aren't. Ftr, I'm similar to you. Been there, done that and it doesn't interest me anymore. Dh occasionally does, I don't like it because of health reasons and it makes him a bit of a knob and boring. But he's an adult and I can't make those decisions for him, it's not affecting our finances blah blah blah.

But if he came home and had done it I wouldn't discuss it then, I'd wait until the next morning when he had sobered up.

Original poster
Fuckingtwattyhusband · 14/10/2023 08:18

Morning all. Quick update: no update. He's still in bed, although I've been out to walk the dog and he's definitely been up in my absence.

For those of you that have been understanding and constructive, thank you. For those of you that are less so...I get it I really do.

To answer a couple of questions - he definitely was just a bit pissed when he got in. Had a plate of food, very normally chatty. I went out for 15 mins and I suspect he'd done it when I was out. I don't actually think he's doing it a lot, as he's at home with me 99% of the time when he's not at work, and believe me I know the signs, my ex had a massive problem. I think what happens is he gets drunk, thinks ooh I fancy a line, she'll never know (because he's pissed and not thinking straight), and then gets stuck in the lie and can't think quick enough to get out of it.

Will update later.

OP posts:
Firebug007 · 14/10/2023 08:28

I'm not bothered about occasional use of some drugs but coke can be a bastard, especially when they start lying about using. That's what I would worry about now because it can easily get out of hand. ,💐

Calmdown14 · 14/10/2023 08:42

I noticed in my local chemist yesterday that they have the drug testing kits. Maybe you should buy one and ask him to take it.

I'd do it more to test his reaction (or perhaps just say you'll go and get one) than because you need the result.

The lying is odd when it seems unnecessary.

It might be worth having a look over your bank accounts and credit scores just to be sure there's not more to this.

I can't quite fathom why he wouldn't make a flat out denial to someone pretty informed about this if it's just an occasional thing. Even if he doesn't have a full blown addiction, he's on a dangerous path with secretive behaviour and denial so on some level he knows it's a problem too.

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