Lies (involves drugs so please no pearl clutching )

[Fuckingtwattyhusband]

I'm putting this here mainly so I don't brush over it tomorrow.

When DH and I met 10 years ago we were both into recreational drugs - it was just a bit of a thing in our social circles. I realised after a while that for him it was a bit more serious than that, and at the time he lied to me about it a lot. We had quite a few problems immediately after we got married but he sorted himself out, but if I'm honest it's always in the back of my mind how he was back then. For the last 7 maybe 8 years I've lost interest in it completely. No problems if he wants to do stuff on a night out with friends, carry on, but I've told him no lying about it, there's no need.

But...a few times when we've had a few drinks just us two together recently, I've noticed he looks like he's had a line of Coke later on in the night. Always strenuously denied, and generally we've both been a bit drunk, so I've sort of half believed him and let it slide. I actually don't care that much about the drugs, just the sneakiness.

Tonight he's been on a night out. Came home early, pissed, had some food and another glass of wine, very chatty, telling me all about his night, all good. I pop out to the shop, come back and he's sat there glazed staring at the TV, just looking like he's done some coke (and for those of you that know, you'll know what I mean). I've accused him, he's denied it, argument goes on for ages. So I check in his home office...lo and behold a few sprinkles of it on the desk. I tasted it. It's coke. I call him up, he still flat out denies it, it's not coke, he doesn't know what I'm on about, this is ridiculous , he hasn't been in the office lalala. He's just repeating himself constantly. I'm stone cold sober, I'm not stupid, I tell him that I know he's lying, he still denies it. The worst of it is when I first asked him I made him swear on the dogs life, and he did. My lovely little dog.

I've told him we'll talk about it tomorrow when he's sober, but he needs to fess up and talk to me about it properly or I'll be calling a divorce lawyer on Monday. I was deadly serious and i hope he knows that. But I know tomorrow he'll still deny it and gaslight me like he's done before. Our marriage is pretty decent apart from this occasionally occurring issue, but I can't let this go on, i cant trust him and it makes me wonder what else he's lied about I can't think of a way to make him tell the truth though. I've just come up to bed and shut the door, left him downstairs just looking sort of vacant.

Sorry that's long. And I don't even know what I'm asking. I just needed to write it down.

I couldn't be living with someone who flat out lied to me like that. What is even the point of living with someone you can't trust?

My ex used to hide extra coke so he could have some once I'd gone to bed. He didn't think I knew he was doing it and he still denies he ever did it. Coke can make people selfish.

Does he have a bigger problem than he makes out?

I also hate liars, my ex was a compulsive liar little things and then huge things (like why he was sacked from a job). I just never knew what to believe. So that's a slippery slope as well.

You used it recreationally and stopped. He was already dependent upon it then and has continued to use throughout, to the point where he cannot manage an evening at home (or a day, he could well be using then as it's a time when you aren't there to see him) without having an extra few bumps. He's got a stash of it indoors, ready for every time you aren't in the same room as him, planning for the instant you're out of sight. At this rate, he'll be doing it if you go to the toilet, never mind when you're in bed asleep.

He's not going to change - certainly not when he's lying until he's blue int he face about it, and tbh, after this many years, all that'll stop him is keeling over with heart problems caused by a combination of long term damage and acute use.

I'd keep that appointment on Monday and see it through. After checking all bank accounts and for additional credit taken out in secret.

You need to decide what your stance is on class A drug use is in your marriage.

This liberal attitude towards it is going to cause nothing but arguements. I.e but you do it, but you did it, but you dont mind, but I've not got a problem, you knew I did drugs when you met me, blar de blar de bloody blar.

You say you've been with a drug user in the past as well. Can you address why you are attracted to men who do drugs?

It has never been on my list of attributes in a potential future partner. I don't dislike people who do drugs, absolutely each to their own. Would I make a drug user my lifelong partner, absolutely not.

Addicts will put the addiction first. Only he can sort his addiction out. Don't even try to save him.

I can relate unfortunately. I recently managed to get my DP to admit that he had been doing coke on many more occasions than I was aware of (knew he did it on the very odd occasion when out with mates) and the lying and secrecy has really messed with my head.

Sounds like it’s probably a similar level of usage as your DH, I know he’s not using day to day but alcohol is definitely a trigger. I think by using only in this way rather than letting it increase he’d convinced himself it wasn’t a problem. I’ve had to try and make him see that the fact he’s lying and sneaking around has already taken it down that path.

I think you’re right to stick to your boundary because if he can’t even stop the lies there’s no point in even trying. I’m not sure even with my DP now being honest it’s going to be enough to put right the damage. I fucking hate addiction.

I'm fairly open minded about usage (well compared to average Mumsnet view) for me the key would be if he lies when talking it over sober

Drunk/high people make stupid decisions, I wouldn't put too much on what he says when he's under the influence - to me it's the same as a drunk person insisting they're 'definitely not drunk/have only had two drinks' etc.

If he can't be honest when he's talking to you about it the next day that's an issue, and would make me question whether he's hiding a more serious problem.

Without trust there is no real relationship.

He's happy to lie to you and to gaslight you. That shows a complete lack of respect for you and your relationship.

I don’t get how people “don’t mind” about “occasional Coke use”

Don’t mind about the children enslaved to produce it?
Don’t mind about the people murdered to produce it ?
Don’t mind about the people tortured to ensure supply ?
Don’t mind about the people killed, by users made hyper-aggressive by using it ?

Which bit of those do people not “mind”?

I wouldn’t touch anyone who uses Coke with a bargepole

What's that got to do with the OP's problem? Completely unhelpful and offers no actual advice.

I don’t get how people “don’t mind” about “occasional Coke use”

The same way people don’t mind having a partner who drinks alcohol, smokes weed and/or cigarettes. The same way people don’t mind having a partner who watches porn. The list goes on and on. It’s not up to you to decide what people are happy to accept

Think about what you are saying.

He has a drink and then thinks ‘I fancy a line’

lets say that happened. You are genuinely ok with him sat thinking ‘ohh I fancy a line while I sit on the sofa’. You think that’s fine and normal?

and if he just got the ‘ohhh I fancy a line’ feeling and he knows you have no issue, why did he wait until you go out?

And where did he just produce this line from? Dealer on speed dial? Or does he have a stash in the house for whenever it takes his fancy? That’s not normal or the behaviour of someone who has it occasionally.

You are acting like a line of coke is the same as a kebab. Been out, had a drink, fancy a kebab while sitting on the sofa after a night out. Likes it’s nothing.

You are deluding yourself if you think it’s still an occasional thing he does on a night out. He is doing it when he sits at home.

I lost any sympathy at the title, the pearl clutching bit. How condescending you sound.

hopefully you don’t have any kids in this situation but if not sounds like there’s nothing keeping you there. He’s committed to the class A unfortunately.

I agree with this 100%. Sounds like he’s doing this way more often then you’d like to believe

I also suspect he is doing it more often. Enough to have some on him anyway.

I think the issue is you haven’t really accepted who he is, it’s not just about his drug use but also the permission he gives himself to lie repeatedly. He will use drugs when an wherever he chooses and he doesn’t want it policed by you.

You are not him and he doesn’t want to compartmentalise his drug use like you have done.

So you need to either accept his continued drug use on his terms or get the hell out because this cycle of lies and hyper vigilance, will fuck with your mh. The balls in your court, it always has been you’ve just chosen to contort yourself to accommodate his drug use.

And where did he just produce this line from? Dealer on speed dial? Or does he have a stash in the house for whenever it takes his fancy? That’s not normal or the behaviour of someone who has it occasionally.

This.

My STBXH developed a problem with coke and it ruined our relationship. He became a total liar, built a second life, preferring the company of others who sniff over me, because I too want nothing to do with that lifestyle or people who regard taking coke as OK. It's a really nasty drug, and over time, it causes changes in the brain that leads those who use it to develop NPD-like traits. In fact, I felt my X became almost sociopathic; he was like a changeling and in the end, I hated it even more when he was home with me than when he was off on the lash and lying to me about it! I couldn't stand the person he'd become and what it was doing to me, so I told him to leave.
The fatal blow to our marriage, the one there's no repairing, is that he cheated on me. Coke makes users mad for sex and along with the lying, sordid encounters for easy sex and if in a relationship, cheating, becomes more and more part of their way of functioning. As someone else said, it makes them selfish, pathologically so!
Another poster wrote about the horrors committed by the cocaine industry. The cartels murder young women and even girls as young as 11 in black magic ritual sacrifices to "Santa Muerte", to ensure their consignments of cocaine and crystal meth get across the border to the USA without being confiscated by the authorities. Just read up on "Santa Muerte" and the cartels and all the femicides in Juarez! To me, this means everyone who uses it is complicit to a degree in those murders, albeit unknowingly! I told my X this but he didn't care and carried on using which is yet another reason I lost feelings for him! Could you be with a man who didn't care about women and even little girls being tortured to death so he can get high? I know I can't! I too really, really HATE cocaine!

Some people can't handle recreational drug use, just as some people can't drink alcohol in moderation. Sounds like he's one of them. When he starts he puts it ahead of his common sense, his integrity and any consequences. He won't change and adopt your approach. He can't. So the only way forward if you're going to avoid an escalating problem that will make you so miserable you'll wish you never set eyes on him, is for him to never touch it again.

He may refuse and insist you're wrong and a hypocrite. I urge you to stand your ground.

He may agree, then lie, try and then fail, many possibilities over many years.
My best advice to you (and I was you!) is to say no more, ever. Then set a time limit at the end of which, if its still an issue, a worry at all, then you leave. Because the agreement to change, the failures and deceit can eat up the years, and before you know it, you'll have wasted a big chunk of your life and end up leaving anyway.

Check his phone OP there’s more to all this I’m certain

Sounds like he has an addiction rather than recreational use. He needs help

You're right. Note that the heading asks for no pearl clutching. I find the suggestion that if you don't agree with recreational drugs you're a pearl clutcher really offensive.

It's incredibly offensive and smug. Unfortunately it's bitten OP on the bum and she now needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

Ethics of cocaine use aside, the issue here is that he is dependent. And he's just doing what addicts do: whatever is needed to be able to continue using. My late husband's thing was alcohol. The reason that I started divorce proceedings was not that he relapsed two weeks out of rehab; that was not unexpected. But he lied about having been drinking, and that was the dealbreaker. Think very carefully, because you cannot ever trust him again.

Yeah this sounds like an unhealthy dependency. Most recreational users do coke socially, they don't crave a line when they're at home alone and their wife's just popped to the shop. And the knowledge that it's an unhealthy dependency, that it's more than just a few social lines on a night out, is what's making him lie.

I've been in a lot of party scenes and that was always the key difference between the hedonists who just enjoyed getting high and who didn't have a dependency on drugs, and the ones who were prone to getting addicted.