Single and almost 30

[Sunshinedays7]

I Just need to vent this out, and any kind words or advice would be appreciated.
I will be 30 before the end of the year, I am single and struggling. My ex left me in August which I am really struggling with. He left me due to my lifestyle, a bit too much partying with friends and putting my social life first to put it briefly. Looking back I can see he was correct, I was selfish, did not put him first or even equal with myself and my needs, I was out partying and drinking, hangovers ruining sundays, did not always compromise on things such as tv shows, where we would go to eat etc, and despite knowing how he felt about the drinking etc and hangovers I done it anyway, I knew he did not like it but did not think at any point it would come between us ( selfish on my part yes) He did not ask me not to do it, just not to expect him to be there to look after me etc the next day ( no judgement please I beat myself up about this every day ) He was perfect in every way and my own behaviour and actions ruined things between us.
I am worried my constant reaching out texting and trying to put things right have ruined the chances of his feelings ever changing. He has essentially told me there will never be another us again, He knows he will not miss me and he regrets the relationship. I just feel at a total loss, I live alone and i am choosing to isolate myself from my friend group, due to wanting to change my life around from how it was before. I was just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position, or is facing turning 30 alone, and not where they want to be in life.

Thank you if you have gotten this far, I know many of you will think I deserve to be in the position I am in due to my own actions, and I agree I do. I just cant believe I have ruined my future with the most perfect partner for some nights out and fun with friends and my attitude to life in general. It has been a hard lesson, but I do hope it will make me a better person if nothing else.
Perhaps to little to late but we are in no contact, and I would like to reach out to him in December time and see what happens, but of course there is a possibility he has moved on ( he is on dating sites ) and I will never hear from him again. We do however live and work within 10 mins of each other so our paths may cross at some point.

Has anyone been in a similar position or offer any words of wisdom on the situation?
Thank you

Hiya, did you do a thread before? He has said no contact for two months and you were wondering if you should wish him luck on your new job?

30 is so young - honestly - I was single then (and have had a few boyfriends and been engaged and had a baby since!) and it's a time to enjoy- you will be going to hens and weddings and friends 30s - have as much fun and travel as you can before your friends all start having kids!

From your last posts it didn't seem like you'd done much wrong or out of the ordinary- plenty of people your age have bad hangovers most weekends and don't get dumped for them- you can easily find a nice new guy to date and enjoy nights out with , or if you've decided for your own sake to stop drinking (not because your ex has made you think you have to) then take Ip new things like tennis or photography lessons, etc to meet more friends (and men?) and just enjoy yourself

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Hi! Yes I did, I sent him a card which he liked. We always ended up back in contact for one reason or another ( normally brought on by me messaging i must admit) I was just so desperate to fix things. We have saw each other once in person since ( an arranged meeting ) and he did say at that point he realised he did not feel anything towards me and never would again, I am unsure if this is from a place of anger at our conversations and constantly going round in circles or if he really feels that.
My friendship group is a bit of a split, with the majority settled down with family life and kids ( yet still keeping a good wild social life)
I have joined yoga classes, joined a walking group etc and try and spend as much time out my house as I can. Nothing seems to be helping. I am not sure if it is just due to not going in to proper no contact for so long, that is holding me back.

I feel and know I should have more self respect, the fact he has told me there will be no us again I should take that at face value and move on. But I still feel I want to give it one more shot at reaching out, but I also feel I could be setting myself up for more hurt if I do, especially with him being on apps and looking to move on.

I guess I just really wanted to be happy and settled by this stage in my life, where as now I feel I just need to accept a life of being alone.

You say he’s perfect for you and I understand how hard it it to lose that. But it doesn’t sound like you were perfect for him. He told you his feelings at the time so it can’t be a total shock that he walked away. He set a boundary and I think he’s being very clear. If his mind changes, he will contact you. I think you should focus elsewhere and find happiness in other aspects. Also 30 is very young, at least I hope it is because I feel young at 36

'Accept a life of being alone' that is too dramatic op! Sorry if that sounds harsh but you are only 30! This is one guy, one chapter in your life story. He doesn't hate keep love and happiness for you, unless you let him.
I would recommend counselling -this helped me to accept and move on from
Heartbreak (my baby's father).
Sounds like you're doing all the right things apart from being serious about the no contact. Contact from him won't help you even if it's a brief bit of a boost at the time. Please never reach out to him again and focus on the people who do want you to contact them.
(If there's anything at all 'left' in terms of his feelings for you this is also the best way to get him
Back, but don't please focus on that!!)

@Sunshinedays7 he did say at that point he realised he did not feel anything towards me and never would again.

Listen (and believe) when a man talks. You’re grasping to straws OP. Move on, find greener pastures and a man who will a) accept you for who you are (a social person and fun loving soul) and b) A man who will have feelings for you. You’re super young. Continue going out, meeting friends and eventually you’ll find that special person who shares the same values.

@Prisonbreak hi, I think you’ve hit it perfectly about me sadly not being right for him, which breaks my heart. All he said at the time was ‘I’m not putting up with this’ and then the conversation changed back to normal and it was never spoken about again, it’s like I knew he didn’t approve, but he acknowledged after we split that a proper conversation should have been had.

Iv taken it very hard as I finally found someone who I wanted to do life with and ruined it. He did say if his feelings changed he’d let me know but it’s all ‘ifs buts and maybes’ I just feel like Iv put my life on hold and don’t know how to progress in regards to moving forward when I’m so hung up on him.

I know it's still really tough now, but 30 is still very young. My wife got divorced at 30 and then met me at 32 and we're now married with two kids. It sounds like you need time to heal, and then there will be other good guys out there.

I can’t really tell from your post if you have a problem with partying eg an alchohol / drug abuse problem, or you just like to party (which is fine).

If the former - you need to sort it.

If the latter - sounds like you just weren’t a good match.

We can all be a bit selfish, the important thing is you realise.

Whether you have a problem or not a second chance at a relationship rarely works the second around when the other party realised they’re better without you and you’re chasing them.

Your age isn’t an issue you can meet someone at any age in life. I met my husband at 29, I wasn’t even trying to date. Was a total surprise and I legit thought I’d die alone. 😅

If you’re worried about kids don’t settle down with someone (or your ex) for the sake of it. You can have kids by yourself by donor! (But make sure you are right in your head first and in the right place on terms of maturity)

Wish you the best.

I used to be so happy and outgoing and loved my party lifestyle, however towards the start of summer so before we split up I realised it wasn’t what I wanted but had a lot of events planned for friends birthdays and various events I felt I ‘had’ to go I had to show up at these events and ultimately it’s cost me my relationship and future I wanted with the person I wanted. I’m struggling terribly with the thought of hurting him when he always loved me and put me first even when I didn’t deserve it. I don’t know if il ever forgive myself for it. It breaks my knowing he’s on apps Trying to move on but I want him to be happy. I don’t want him to feel like me.

Btw I felt same as you when I split from an ex but now realise was deffo for the best

OP, it seems like you’re really heartbroken and that’s hard. The next steps for you are trying to accept that this relationship has ended. Changing yourself isn’t going to change the outcome - he did not love you enough to love you the way you were or to work on your relationship.

Grit your teeth and delete his number - if you naturally bump into him be polite, but don’t seek him out.

Keep focusing on yourself, remind yourself that you will meet people who will like you for you, without any need to change. Fair enough reduce your drinking - a lot of my friends did in our 30’s as we found hangovers became more crippling and we were starting to suffer from booze blues - but enjoy your active social life, your new hobbies and when you’re happy with yourself the right person will come along x

@jolies1

I seem to think making these changes will give it more of a chance. I know it’s possible nothing will ever change, and he will never be part of my life again and that’s hard to take knowing it’s all my fault. I feel he loved me in away no one else ever had before.
I feel I need to change as I wasn’t a nice a person, I was selfish and ruined my relationship with my actions. It’s been two months now, I still cry every day, in the car, on my own, at work, in the supermarket I can’t hold it together.

30 is not exactly old. And you didn't want to do life with him- you didn't reach a compromise or alter anything, despite, by the sounds of it, clear warnings.

Get some counselling, stop contacting him and just get on with life. Put the rose tinted glasses away and just learn to be content in yourself

Just wanted to point out - he told me he didn’t like my hangovers and expecting him to look after me ( rightly so) and at times I was selfish, we never sat down and had a proper conversation about things or feelings, as if I really knew how he felt and how my behaviour was impacting him, I’d have made the changes during the relationship.

Its harsh, but it won’t help. If you change yourself to fit what he wants you to be, he doesn’t love you for who you are. Don’t lose yourself and your friendships for a man who didn’t want you enough to compromise

OP didn't compromise either.

Unfortunately relationships often need compromise from both parties to work.

@Harrysmummy246 @jolies1
they do indeed need compromise from both, and I didn’t realise at the time how my actions were, Iv realised too late and possibly will never have a chance to fix things.

Mate!!! Stop beating yourself up. You didn’t ruin things at all- at any time he could have made his feelings clear ! Just sounds like he blaming it all on you.

I also agree those that counselling is a good idea. Focus on what you want and how you want to live and someone will be along soon.

forgot him, he sounds like a dick. Be kind to yourself

Ignore honestguy999

Oh good god, please please ignore HONESTGUY

If a woman gains weight, her partner will leave?????? What century has he crawled out from? And what if a man gains weight?

I reported his incel bones !

lol
he wishes the sexy op would drop her standards !

From your later posts it doesn’t sound like you’ve don’t anything wrong.

So you like to party? So what. I’m not a partier these days so wouldn’t settle down with someone who enjoyed that but that doesn’t make you ‘wrong’. You mention calming down and going to friends event’s as you have been hardly classes as a party animal.

There will be someone out out there for you who liked a party and to be sociable and will be hungover with you the next day and you can feel sorry for yourselves and recount the night before together!

If have to apologise for what you like (drugs and abuse withstanding) that’s not the person for you!