Single and almost 30

[Sunshinedays7]

I Just need to vent this out, and any kind words or advice would be appreciated.
I will be 30 before the end of the year, I am single and struggling. My ex left me in August which I am really struggling with. He left me due to my lifestyle, a bit too much partying with friends and putting my social life first to put it briefly. Looking back I can see he was correct, I was selfish, did not put him first or even equal with myself and my needs, I was out partying and drinking, hangovers ruining sundays, did not always compromise on things such as tv shows, where we would go to eat etc, and despite knowing how he felt about the drinking etc and hangovers I done it anyway, I knew he did not like it but did not think at any point it would come between us ( selfish on my part yes) He did not ask me not to do it, just not to expect him to be there to look after me etc the next day ( no judgement please I beat myself up about this every day ) He was perfect in every way and my own behaviour and actions ruined things between us.
I am worried my constant reaching out texting and trying to put things right have ruined the chances of his feelings ever changing. He has essentially told me there will never be another us again, He knows he will not miss me and he regrets the relationship. I just feel at a total loss, I live alone and i am choosing to isolate myself from my friend group, due to wanting to change my life around from how it was before. I was just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position, or is facing turning 30 alone, and not where they want to be in life.

Thank you if you have gotten this far, I know many of you will think I deserve to be in the position I am in due to my own actions, and I agree I do. I just cant believe I have ruined my future with the most perfect partner for some nights out and fun with friends and my attitude to life in general. It has been a hard lesson, but I do hope it will make me a better person if nothing else.
Perhaps to little to late but we are in no contact, and I would like to reach out to him in December time and see what happens, but of course there is a possibility he has moved on ( he is on dating sites ) and I will never hear from him again. We do however live and work within 10 mins of each other so our paths may cross at some point.

Has anyone been in a similar position or offer any words of wisdom on the situation?
Thank you

Nothing like a clumsy overgeneralisation is there....

I'm calling TROLL

I reported too. Frankly sounds like AI to me.

Ignore incel guy. He'll never get lucky unless women drop their standards.

But leave your ex alone. He knows where you are if he changes his mind , though I think that ship has sailed.
But you're 30 - the best years of your life are ahead of you. Enjoy them without the hangovers, we all grow out of those!

OP it sounds like you are heaping blame on yourself which can be really damaging and is stopping you from moving on. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything awful and it takes two people to make a relationship work, there is likely fault or unhappiness on both sides but in the headspace you are in it’s unlikely you can see that. It’s so easy to look back with rose tinted glasses.

Have you considered any therapy or counselling? I think it would really help change your thought processes from obsessing over what you did wrong, to helping you cope with moving on. I also think I proper no contact with your ex is needed, but without help it sounds like you might find this too hard.

Yes, I do not miss hangovers at all. I like one, or maybe two glasses of good wine at home then my own cosy bed at a decent hour. This to be fair, has been the case since probably before I was 30 really. AM now 41. DH has been around 20 years now- we've not always had exactly the same interests and I'm still much more social than he is but he's been there when i've been less heavy, more heavy, out a lot, doing so much sport he hardly saw me, through pregnancy and the mess that was PND and now through parenting while I carve out a new career.

It’s impossible to say whether or not OP compromised in my opinion, as we are only getting her side of the story and she is clearly in a very negative spiral of thoughts. For all we know her ex could be putting all the blame on her, probably because that’s easier than him just admitting he’s not into it anymore!

You sound like my type of woman! 🍷 💤

@Scaredycats @Harrysmummy246

i think I was unaware of how my behaviour was having an impact, and how much it bothered him I didn’t find all this out until we split up. That’s when it all came out.

for example just to put you in the picture of things I didn’t compromise on, we went out just the two of us for a birthday meal for him, he suggested somewhere I’d been a few weeks prior and had poor service and a poor meal, I mentioned this and wasn’t keen on going, I didn’t want him to have a poor meal for his birthday! So we went to the second choice of restaurant which was brought up a few times when we were together how he couldn’t pick where he wanted to go for his birthday meal. A lot of the time if I maybe wasn’t as interested in what he was watching on tv I’d fall asleep or not pay much attention to it.
I know it sounds like lots of negatives, but there were many good times, had I known how bad it was for him, I’d have stopped the partying etc, I wasn’t even enjoying it. But I can’t go back and change things as much as I would like to.
I feel very deeply and I’m struggling with the fact Iv hurt him, and broken his heart with my actions ( his words ) I also feel heartbroken and the thought of him feeling this way when he was with me because of my actions is eating me up

am sad to see that you still haven't been able to move on since your thread in the summer. And you won't be unless you make conscious decision to do so.

I knew he did not like it but did not think at any point it would come between us ( selfish on my part yes)

No one should be extremely anxious that their partner will leave them all the time. It's not healthy and people do tolerate less than ideal things about each other. It's part of being with someone who's different to you, but it sounds like you took it too far. You took his loyalty for granted and now there is a price to pay.

Iv taken it very hard as I finally found someone who I wanted to do life with and ruined it

No. It sounds like you found someone you thought you could take the piss with.

I’m struggling terribly with the thought of hurting him when he always loved me and put me first even when I didn’t deserve it

Did you really love him OP, or did you love how much he loved you? There's a difference. Did you actually respect him? There's also risk that you're romanticising him because you now see he's trying to move on, and you're having a bit of a panic realising you're 30 and single. Would you still be feeling this way if you had plenty of desirable romantic options? Is he that good, or are you panicking at your lack of options?

Some people do really change, but others repeat a cat & mouse game with their poor parters. They behave badly, cry and lament when their partner leaves, kick themselves, but given enough time and comfort, they stop feeling guilty for their past behaviour and revert back to their normal self.

At the same time, I think there's a degree of what happened that is simply to do with you being very much on the extroverted end. There's nothing wrong with that, or partying, or being very sociable with friends. You just need to find someone else like you to have fun and go out with, but if you have kids, your life will change and you'll need to be ready for that.

This bit stood out:

for example just to put you in the picture of things I didn’t compromise on, we went out just the two of us for a birthday meal for him, he suggested somewhere I’d been a few weeks prior and had poor service and a poor meal, I mentioned this and wasn’t keen on going, I didn’t want him to have a poor meal for his birthday! So we went to the second choice of restaurant which was brought up a few times when we were together how he couldn’t pick where he wanted to go for his birthday meal. A lot of the time if I maybe wasn’t as interested in what he was watching on tv I’d fall asleep or not pay much attention to it.

Sorry but this sounds like perfectly normal behaviour to me. If DH wanted to go to a restaurant and I’d eaten there and had a bad meal I would tell him. And I have no interest in most things he watches on tv 😂 I usually go up to bed!

So you like partying, so what! You’re in your twenties. None of this makes you an awful person. Signs you’re incompatible maybe, but not wrong! Imagine if you had compromised on all these things; started pretending to like TV shows you didn’t, bitten your tongue about restaurants because you were worried about upsetting your boyfriend, stopped going out because he didn’t like it. Yes you might still be together but trust me I don’t think you would be happy! I REALLY think you would benefit from some therapy for this.

@EarthSight
i get how it could come across that I took the piss I really do, but I never set out to hurt him, upset him or anything like that.
meet shared so many lovely times together, some of the best times of my life, the simple every day aspects of life were enjoyable with him.
i have constant panics of losing him / lost him, but being single and almost 30 it’s not where I imagined I’d be at this stage in life, but here we are.
I feel lucky in away I got to experience what I did with him, I just wish I had realised before it was too late how I made him feel.

That's not the same sort of compromise and you know it. I mean the sort of compromise like not getting married yet because one person isn't ready for that thanks to their last but is obviously entirely committed in other ways.

Or in a smaller way, ok I'm committed to these parties but maybe I can just have a couple then leave. Or not go to all of them.

Noone is perfect. He wasn't entrancing enough for u to want to spend loads of time with you first time round so guess I winder what's changed

@Birdh0use we spent a lot of time together, we didn’t live together but split our time between each place. It was rare we didn’t see each other every day.
My mindset, outlook and priorities have all changed. I just hate the fact it’s taken for me to lose what I had to realise.

but I never set out to hurt him, upset him or anything like that

No, a lot of people don't. Some people have a vicious and vindictive streak, whilst others don't actively wish anyone harm, but they end up steam rolling over others, always prioritising their needs first. As long as they get what they want, then that's what matters, mainly, and they're a bit indifferent or don't care that much if that comes at a cost to to other people, even their own partner. Again, it's not like they rejoice in their partner being unhappy, but neither do they particularly care. The most important thing is they've get get what they want. It's cold selfishness, essentially.

I've known people like that and if you were truly that way through and through, there's not much of a chance you'd be writing about it on here (as you simply wouldn't care). The fact you're reflecting on it will help you, but mind you don't over-correct in future by doing the total opposite - you do have the right to boundaries and being with someone who will have fun with you and love you for your extroversion. Not everything has to end in consensus and neither it is realistic. Also, some men do like being with a woman who is more dominant, not just sexually, but generally in a relationship. It's just worth keeping a lid on it from time to time and make sure it doesn't go too far.

Instead of regarding this as a short term thing to do with your ex, I would ask yourself how much are you committed to restricting such qualities in future. It really does have to be a commitment because working against one's base nature is hard and tiring in the long run.

You weren’t compatible with your ex boyfriend. Neither of you did anything wrong, you just weren’t suited. It sounds like he is happier now and has moved on, you need to do the same because he won’t be back.

I am 53 now but I remember approaching 30 and feeling sad that I was still single as I felt like o was getting old. But it is not old, it is very young, you will realise that yourself one day as I did!