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Original poster

Attracted to my boss

60 replies

speenmum · 13/10/2023 11:16

Last year I went through a messy divorce and I finally feel ready to put myself back out there. I have found myself unexpectedly attracted to my boss because he's kind, fair and makes me really feel appreciated and wanted, especially over the past year. I get the impression he might feel the same way and our romantic connection is slowly growing.

Is it ok/appropriate for me to make a move? I don't think his role as my boss should impact our relationship too much

OP posts:
marmitegirl01 · 13/10/2023 13:36

When it goes wrong you'll be out of a job 🤷‍♀️

flipent · 13/10/2023 13:39

speenmum · 13/10/2023 12:55

@flipent I don't think i'd mind having him remain as my boss if we broke up. I can move past personal life for the sake of my career and I don't think I would let our relationship encroach upon our work life

It's great that you are confident in your ability to separate personal and work life. But the trouble with relationships is they involve two people. You may have a very high opinion of him now, but you don't always see people's true colours until after a break up.
Looking at your responses, you're going to do it regardless of what anyone on here says. And I hope it works out for you.

I'm just saying it isn't a risk I would take. As the subordinate at work, he has control over your career whether you think he does or not.

ObsessedWithZach · 13/10/2023 13:43

I don't think i'd mind having him remain as my boss if we broke up.

If you loved him but he didn't feel the same? If he cheated? So many reasons why you may struggle with him being your boss if you broke up.

I think you're mad to consider it. There's a lot of men out there, find someone else. Why go for a relationship that has the potential to cause drama and issues at work, and mess up so much of your life? I'm sure some people must enjoy the risk of their life going wrong. 🙄

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 13/10/2023 13:57

It might work out beautifully. I married the boss. Twenty five years and two DDs later, still very happy, thank god one of us was brave enough to go there. However, as soon as we were sure it was a real thing, I moved sideways so I was reporting to someone else. Can you do that?

mrmr1 · 13/10/2023 14:17

Just ask him if he wants to go for a coffee and see how it goes from there.

CrapBucket · 13/10/2023 14:26

It’s a terrible idea! I am in a very similar situation, I posted about it not long ago. However you can have a fling with my boss if you like and I’ll have a fling with yours, they sound very similar 😂

good96 · 13/10/2023 14:33

If policies permitted and he had actually feelings for you and not just the idea of a platonic friendship then surely he would have made a move by now?

As a line manager myself, I have seen where my direct reports have entered into a relationship with one of their direct reports -
in the environment I work in (school) it is slightly difficult to move staff around - especially if they are teachers of specialist subjects.
I know of a former HT who was having a relationship that wasn’t disclosed with his Deputy - this went on for 2 years until they were spotted together at the airport during the summer break by another teacher.
Bearing in mind that all this time, the HT had been line managing the Deputy and had signed off two pay increases for them - HT suspended and left before dismissal.

Seas164 · 13/10/2023 14:35

Out of the four billion men in the world? Pick another.

TheHappyCarrot · 13/10/2023 15:03

Interesting that you're sidestepping whether he is involved with your appraisals and pay rises. If he is then this would be totally inappropriate.

I've seen this happen and the directors were less than happy when they found out.

SquashPenguin · 13/10/2023 15:12

Exception to rule apparently but my partner is also my boss. It’s worked out absolutely fine! I also made the first move. Years later we have a house together and a baby on the way. Head office were great about it. If anything our work output has increased because are such a good team and work so well together.

OldTinHat · 13/10/2023 15:15

speenmum · 13/10/2023 13:15

@CesareBorgia At my workplace there are many small teams and moving around is pretty easy. My boss only manages about 10 of us within this particular team

In that case, move teams away from him first so if it goes wrong it won't affect your job.

Gmama23 · 13/10/2023 15:26

Risky move.

I was in a similar position and got very very lucky. We'd already been working together for 10 years and got on very well and things at work changed so we ended up working closer so it grew from there. I was desperate to tell him how I felt but I did have a back up plan to leave if it didn't work out. He didn't make the first move as he didn't want to seem like he was taking advantage.
I confessed my love for him whilst a bit drunk at the work Christmas party 🥴

Anyway we are now happily married and have a beautiful baby together and it hasn't affected our working relationship. I get the odd comment from co workers but it is what it is

Original poster
speenmum · 13/10/2023 15:48

Gmama23 · 13/10/2023 15:26

Risky move.

I was in a similar position and got very very lucky. We'd already been working together for 10 years and got on very well and things at work changed so we ended up working closer so it grew from there. I was desperate to tell him how I felt but I did have a back up plan to leave if it didn't work out. He didn't make the first move as he didn't want to seem like he was taking advantage.
I confessed my love for him whilst a bit drunk at the work Christmas party 🥴

Anyway we are now happily married and have a beautiful baby together and it hasn't affected our working relationship. I get the odd comment from co workers but it is what it is

Congratulations xx glad it worked out for you

OP posts:
Original poster
speenmum · 13/10/2023 15:49

TheHappyCarrot · 13/10/2023 15:03

Interesting that you're sidestepping whether he is involved with your appraisals and pay rises. If he is then this would be totally inappropriate.

I've seen this happen and the directors were less than happy when they found out.

Yes he is somewhat involved in finance but he isn't the only one making these decisions. He has to run any major changes past others first

OP posts:
Original poster
speenmum · 13/10/2023 15:52

ObsessedWithZach · 13/10/2023 13:43

I don't think i'd mind having him remain as my boss if we broke up.

If you loved him but he didn't feel the same? If he cheated? So many reasons why you may struggle with him being your boss if you broke up.

I think you're mad to consider it. There's a lot of men out there, find someone else. Why go for a relationship that has the potential to cause drama and issues at work, and mess up so much of your life? I'm sure some people must enjoy the risk of their life going wrong. 🙄

If it was unrequited that would be my responsibility to face up to my feelings and not let it affect my work. If he cheated I would likely switch teams

OP posts:
CesareBorgia · 13/10/2023 15:56

The best description of post-relationship embarrassment I have ever seen - just a caution, OP!

Sure - Thank God You Dumped Him First!

Award winning Sure Deodorant advert featuring Cordelia Bugeja - Thank God You Dumped Him First!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJc7Q1D8sYo

Original poster
speenmum · 13/10/2023 16:29

marmitegirl01 · 13/10/2023 13:36

When it goes wrong you'll be out of a job 🤷‍♀️

Surely he would not be allowed to dismiss me for personal reasons provided I didn't do anything breaking policy?

OP posts:
flipent · 13/10/2023 16:35

He doesn't have to dismiss you for personal reasons. He could make work life unbearable or he could performance manage you out. It isn't right, but it is a risk.
As others have said, it could work out - but it is a big risk.
If it is easy to move side ways, why not do that?

Work relationships can be great, but a relationship with your boss is risky and morally questionable.

You've avoid others asking, but if he is responsible for your pay, bonus or appraisal it is absolutely wrong to be in a romantic relationship.

CesareBorgia · 13/10/2023 16:37

@flipent is spot on.

Original poster
speenmum · 13/10/2023 17:57

flipent · 13/10/2023 16:35

He doesn't have to dismiss you for personal reasons. He could make work life unbearable or he could performance manage you out. It isn't right, but it is a risk.
As others have said, it could work out - but it is a big risk.
If it is easy to move side ways, why not do that?

Work relationships can be great, but a relationship with your boss is risky and morally questionable.

You've avoid others asking, but if he is responsible for your pay, bonus or appraisal it is absolutely wrong to be in a romantic relationship.

I have addressed the pay issue as he is partly responsible for it but does not get the final say. If he made my work life unbearable I would say that is an issue to raise with HR because he would not be prioritising the company and would be putting the team's performance at risk for a petty conflict which would certainly break policy

OP posts:
ObsessedWithZach · 13/10/2023 18:09

With every update, you sound more and more naive OP, which is even more reason to avoid getting into a relationship with yourself boss.

GilberMarkham · 13/10/2023 18:24

Can you move to another job in this company or one outside the company remotely easily... If things don't work out?

If the above is ok ...
How are you in terms of personal interaction? Any personal messaging etc that can be escalated to flirting?

Personally I wouldn't make a move but would do plenty of flirting and make it clear a move from him would be welcome.

Original poster
speenmum · 13/10/2023 18:46

ObsessedWithZach · 13/10/2023 18:09

With every update, you sound more and more naive OP, which is even more reason to avoid getting into a relationship with yourself boss.

Naive in what way? I am fully aware of the risks but I don't want to miss out on being happy with someone just because of professional life which I think doesn't have to have anything to do with personal life unless you let them get mixed up

OP posts:
bronkie · 13/10/2023 20:10

Yes he has been single for 5 years and never married. He seems emotionally ready and mature for commitment

If he has been single for 5 years what makes you think he wants one now?

JamSandle · 13/10/2023 20:11

You can go out with anyone at work. You just have to declare it. Why not?

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