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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship horrible since birth of baby

49 replies

Al991 · 13/10/2023 08:01

I have been with DP for 8 years and we have always had a loving and kind relationship. DP does have a temper though - can be snappy and in the past this has been a problem.

I had a difficult pregnancy and became very anxious- kept worrying that there was something wrong with the baby and DP found this very stressful. He says I shut him out during that time and wouldn’t let him make decisions (not sure what decisions you can really make in a pregnancy). I also had a traumatic birth that put my life at risk. Also very traumatising for DP to witness that happening.

ive struggled with mental and physical health a fair amount since the birth and there’s been pressure on DP to hold everything together.

Since having a baby EVERYTHING has been an argument. Literally from the moment we wake up. The smallest thing can set him off. Whenever I try to bring it up he says we’ll after what you’ve put me through during the pregnancy what do you expect.

There is no love and no kindness in this house - just constant shouting. My shoulders are tense all the time either from being shouted at or the anticipation that I might be. Honestly I really wish I could just have a break from it - go and stay with someone else and just not be at each others throats for a few days - but DP would see this as the ultimate betrayal and I think the relationship would end there. I don’t want the relationship to be over - I want the old one back.

I have this absolutely gorgeous new baby and she’s growing up in a house full of hatred and resentment. I can’t stand it.

OP posts:
Squiblet · 13/10/2023 08:04

That sounds awful. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Does he admit that there's a problem? That seems like the first step. He can't be happy living this way either.

MrsElsa · 13/10/2023 08:06

What is his reasoning re you not being allowed to stay with someone else for a few days? It would give him a chance to reflect and calm down.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 13/10/2023 08:06

I mean this gently but if you are feeling this way, I want you to think how it feels for your new born baby. I really think you need to consider some time away somewhere safe to evaluate your relationship. If you 'D'P will end the relationship based on that I think it tells you something about his commitment to you. It feels like your relationship is verging on, if not already moving into a place of being abusive. You are walking on egg shells to prevent him shouting at you again. This isn't anyway to live. He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and you need to think about yours and your baby's emotional safety. I will just add that pregnancy and the period post birth are often associated with an increase in abusive behaviours, my worry for you is that the escalation in his behaviours you describe will continue. Please talk to someone in real life, if you haven't got a friend or family you feel able to talk to, give women's aid a call, they will help you think through all your different options.

JanglyBeads · 13/10/2023 08:10

"after what you've put me through with the pregnancy what do you expect?"

Shock

OP tell us more about the problems caused by his temper pre pregnancy.

SBHon · 13/10/2023 08:10

It sounds like you both (mostly he) needs to work through the pregnancy. There’s lots of support for women and not a lot for men, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t benefit from it. Maybe couples therapy? Would he be open to that?

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 08:13

I am so sorry that you are suffering this.

How old is your baby.

This should be a magical warm time where you are cherished - of course it’s stressful at times and lack of sleep is grim - but he should be doing everything to have your back and support you at this vulnerable time.

Having ‘a temper’ is a red flag - is that reserved for you?

It is well known that there can be an escalation in abusive behaviour when men become controlling when their partner is pregnant or gives birth.

Your beautiful baby will be absorbing everything - not just the vocals but your own silent stress from your body.

This could tip you into PND

Can you speak to your midwife or GP ASAP?

Have you family / friend you could stay with for a few days or a week so you can get some rest and perspective.

Devilsmommy · 13/10/2023 08:14

You're tenseness and anxiety are being felt by that baby. Your DP needs to back the fuck off. And sorry but what you put him through, is he joking? You nearly died and he's using that as an excuse to treat you like shit? Really can't see why you'd want this piece of shit in yours and baby's life

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 13/10/2023 08:23

He had anger issues before, so it's not surprising that the extremely stressful time you've both had has made him worse. That's no defence of his behaviour whatsoever though. He is an angry man, and the fact that he is blaming you for 'what you put him through during the pregnancy' is totally unacceptable.

I'm sorry OP, but I would be considering whether living with this man is really what you want for yourself and your child. I know you want your old relationship back, but if he was only partially able to control his temper when it was just the two of you, it seems unlikely he will be able to do so with the additional pressure of parenting a small child with a woman he blames for all the difficulties.

Naunet · 13/10/2023 08:24

we’ll after what you’ve put me through during the pregnancy what do you expect

What a lovely man. So he thinks you had a traumatic birth just to spite him and he’s the only one impacted? Is he normally so thick and self centred?

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 13/10/2023 08:30

He sounds woefully ignorant about perinatal mental health and completely wrapped up in himself.

Sounds like some outside intervention and education is needed here! Speak to local children's centre and see what support they offer to new parents in this situation. Sometimes they offer special programmes to help with relationships and if nothing else, you need someone on side to support you. I'm so sorry to hear about your traumatic birth OP.

SunRainStorm · 13/10/2023 08:34

He sounds abusive and selfish beyond belief.

He seems to think he's the main character in YOUR pregnancy and birth. Insane.

Mistressanne · 13/10/2023 08:42

Firstly and I know this is difficult but don’t engage in the shouting, it’s not good for you or the baby.
Ask you dh if he will see a gp because he’s either unwell or a horrible person, be good to find out which.
If possible get a family member to stay for a week to give you some respite without you having to leave if you think that will make things worse. Your dh is less likely to shout with someone else in the house.
Ask yourself was your dh really so kind and loving before the pregnancy?
I doubt it unless he got his own way on everything.

SaracensMavericks · 13/10/2023 08:45

This is really sad to read OP. You don't deserve to be shouted at constantly. I feel so upset for you and your baby.

Please go to couples counselling and say all of this. If he refuses then you need to leave, to protect yourself and the baby from this awful atmosphere.

Ansjovis · 13/10/2023 08:46

Your child needs to come first here. She deserves a better home environment than this and if your partner's response is to deflect the problem back on you then it's going to be up to you to give that to her by removing her from, as you put it, the hatred and resentment. If it causes the end of your relationship but results in a better start in life for your daughter, isn't that worth it? I think it is.

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 08:52

Your new born baby is the direct recipient of domestic abuse - as the law and NSPCC define the child seeing, hearing or sensing domestic abuse as direct impact.

You really need some professional outside support urgently.

SecondUsername4me · 13/10/2023 08:57

Sounds like it's all about him. Surely however challenging he found being around you when you were pregnant and anxious would have been easier than actually being pregnant and anxious.

What does he mean about decisions?

Pre pregnancy, what sort of things did he get angry about?

Tbh I'd not worry about saving the relationship - it would be you doing all the bending and changing and placating, which will do your mental wellbeing no help. Pack a bag and go stay with your folks with the baby for the weekend.

JanglyBeads · 13/10/2023 09:08

Couples counselling will not work in this situation, please don't do this.

SunflowerTed · 13/10/2023 11:50

have u got somewhere to stay? Next time he shouts I would take your pre-packed bag and leave for a few days. Send him a clear message that you’re not putting up with it anymore

Original poster
Al991 · 13/10/2023 12:55

Thank you all for replies. I think I’m scared of the confrontation that would result in me saying we need time apart. Plus logistics - I don’t drive, my mum doesn’t have a crib etc. but I think I need to raise it with him today. I’m not scared he will hurt me or anything it’s just more shouting.

he is currently in a huff because he asked me if I wanted to walk or get the tram to the shops and I took a second to answer.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 13/10/2023 13:08

Al991 · 13/10/2023 12:55

Thank you all for replies. I think I’m scared of the confrontation that would result in me saying we need time apart. Plus logistics - I don’t drive, my mum doesn’t have a crib etc. but I think I need to raise it with him today. I’m not scared he will hurt me or anything it’s just more shouting.

he is currently in a huff because he asked me if I wanted to walk or get the tram to the shops and I took a second to answer.

Logistically you could do it - Tavel cot, taxi etc. have you confided in your mum? This situation sounds intolerable

Original poster
Al991 · 13/10/2023 13:13

No one knows… yes it feels intolerable

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 13/10/2023 13:13

I agree that couples counseling is not appropriate, but HE needs to get himself into therapy. He is obviously extremely angry and probably in a huge amount of pain, and shouting and screaming at you is absolutely not a way to manage it. You can't carry on like this OP. He has to take responsibility for addressing his emotional issues. I would be letting him know how tense and miserable you are, and how angry he is, and ask him what he thinks the way forward is

CornishGem1975 · 13/10/2023 13:18

The first few months after we had a baby our relationship was vile, we acted like we hated each other. In reality, it was the upheaval, we were both knackered, biting at each other and it took some really bloody big arguments to bring it all to a head and accept that there needed to be change because I was ready to walk out the door.

TwilightSkies · 13/10/2023 13:23

You need to open up to your family and let them know what is going on. You are being abused. You need to do whatever you can to break free. The old relationship isn’t coming back.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2023 13:32

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What is the situation here revfinances and property.

The old him is gone never to return. That was a mirage. His nice act was performed just long enough to reel you in and you minimised and or simply did not recognise the red flags apparent re his temper before the birth of your child. pregnancy and childbirth are further two flashpoints for abusive men like this to further up the power and control against their target.

It’s over between you and he because of the abuse he meets out to you. My guess too that he is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world. Look at his parents too OP, what are they like?. How does he get along with them these days? Pound to a penny he saw abuse at home too in his childhood so this is learnt behaviour.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type as you will not be safe in such sessions. Abuse is also not a relationship issue, it’s about power and control and this man wants absolute over you and your child.

Your child and you need to be away from him completely now.