Relationship horrible since birth of baby

[Al991]

I have been with DP for 8 years and we have always had a loving and kind relationship. DP does have a temper though - can be snappy and in the past this has been a problem.

I had a difficult pregnancy and became very anxious- kept worrying that there was something wrong with the baby and DP found this very stressful. He says I shut him out during that time and wouldn’t let him make decisions (not sure what decisions you can really make in a pregnancy). I also had a traumatic birth that put my life at risk. Also very traumatising for DP to witness that happening.

ive struggled with mental and physical health a fair amount since the birth and there’s been pressure on DP to hold everything together.

Since having a baby EVERYTHING has been an argument. Literally from the moment we wake up. The smallest thing can set him off. Whenever I try to bring it up he says we’ll after what you’ve put me through during the pregnancy what do you expect.

There is no love and no kindness in this house - just constant shouting. My shoulders are tense all the time either from being shouted at or the anticipation that I might be. Honestly I really wish I could just have a break from it - go and stay with someone else and just not be at each others throats for a few days - but DP would see this as the ultimate betrayal and I think the relationship would end there. I don’t want the relationship to be over - I want the old one back.

I have this absolutely gorgeous new baby and she’s growing up in a house full of hatred and resentment. I can’t stand it.

Lots of good, sound, advice here. I hope you can take it OP. There are two possibilities: he is irredeemable and abusive or he is suffering from depression/PTSD from the trauma of the pregnancy and birth and he is irritable/angry because of that. If its the first nothing will change and things will only get worse. You should leave.

If its the second only he can change his own behavior and being harmony and generosity to the house There is nothing you can do to get him to behave better. Again: you should leave or ask him to leave to give you both space to collect yourselves.

Please open up to others in real life and ask for help. This situation is untenable and needs a reset.

@AttilaTheMeerkat youve hit the nail on the head. Comes from an abusive home. Admired by friends and colleagues. Would never act this way outside the house.

unfortunately we own a house and I can’t afford mortgage alone. Neither can he. We’d have to put it on market or he stays and I keep paying my share while I stay with mum (would rather that than live alone in a house with no support - baby is only 2mo.).

I am being extra nice and trying not to rock the boat today to attempt a calm conversation about time apart. As if!

Oh op imI'sorry but you're in an abusive relationship.

He's just using the baby stuff as his 'excuse'. They all use something to make it seem like it's not their fault they are monsters. Eg: they blame you.

Make the connection. He is telling you abuse is your fault.

Re read what you are saying - he shouts at you from dawn till dusk. You walk on eggshells shells all day. You are SCARED of him.

I'm sorry but the man you thought he was, is not.coming.back.

Please get support from family, friends and women's aid and leave this horror of a man. Your baby deserves a peaceful home and a SAFE and happy mother.

Get out.

The nicer you are to these sort, the more they want to trample you op. They take kindness and compromise as weakness.

Don't ask permission. State facts.
Maybe have a family member come get you so you're not on your own standing up to him.

He doesn't have anger issues. He has abuse issues. He's not abusive because he is angry, he's angry because he is abusive.

Get this house valued via some local estate agents and put the house on the market asap: this property only holds bad memories for you.

This relationship is over because of the abuse he metes out to you, and in turn your 2 month old baby. Your baby deserves better as do you.

Don't worry about the longer term OP just leave and go to your mum's. Bet you can get a loaned travel cot or one off Fb or something. People will rally round when they know the situation.

He has the classic abuser profile - long term behaviours, childhood background, escalation in pregnancy.

He is a dangerous man. He is harming your baby directly.

If/when you separate the abusive behaviours escalate and you are both in more danger.

This is not a decision to be discussed with him.

The way out is by stealth with a safety plan and planned professional and community support.

Please speak to your Midwife, GP, WA and trusted family and friends.

Get your ducks in a row and leave before you inform him.

Expect immediate stalking and harassment behaviours as he will be raging about the loss of power, control, entitlement and ownership of you both. Know that you only have to ask him once to stop contacting you and if he does it twice more you can call the police.

Expect him to try other tactics varying from promising you the moon on a stick to threatening suicide.

Dont believe any of it - they are all self serving, coercive, emotionally abusive behaviours aimed at regaining control over you again.

You might lose a lot in the immediate months - money, identity, status, familiarity - but in the longer term you will give your baby wonderful emotionally security that set them up for life.

I have been with DP for 8 years and we have always had a loving and kind relationship. DP does have a temper though - can be snappy and in the past this has been a problem.

How is it possible to have a loving kind relationship with someone who’s snappy with a temper? As usual I bet he only has a temper with you.

Like all abusers he’s ramped it up because he thinks you’re trapped with the baby. Dump this prick.Let him find someone else to shout at.

I feel like I just want to be clear I would never have had this baby if I thought the home environmental would be like this. I had believed it would be a loving home. Yes DP has been snappy but only occasionally and in a way that never really bothered me - usually he just needed a minute and would apologise. I Will do anything for my daughter and that does include ending the relationship… I just don’t want us to be homeless so it’s tough.

Woke up having a panic attack this morning because I’ve not slept in weeks and baby crying. Got shouted at for it. I think this is rock bottom.

This is all so wrong. Another day of abuse.

Of course you would never have brought a baby into this environment and of course you don’t want to be homeless.

One step at a time. You have done brilliantly to post on hear, consider posts relevant to you and understand what is going on.

You urgently need professional help.

Please can you call your midwife.

Speak to your Mum - but don’t let anyone minimise your experience. Read the NSPCC website on DA for children.

Take one or two little steps and things will unfold.

Dont tell him what you are doing - because HE WILL escalate the abuse. If/when you do go be prepared for new behaviours.

Re-read the thread at different times as you may pick up something else that resonates with you.

That is awful, are you okay now? You really need to be somewhere with someone who will give you some help with the baby and who will give you a bit of love and care so that you can think clearly about what to do next. Would your mum be able to help you? Or is there a close friend you and your baby could stay with? If so, I would just phone and ask if they'll come and get you this morning. Please don't stay at home and be treated like this.

You should really go to your mum's. Now. This weekend.

You can get a crib on eBay or FB marketplace for £20-30 . You can work out the house later.

Whether he is abusive or struggling I can't definitively tell you.
What I can tell you is Newborn -6m was one of the toughest times of my own marriage but I wasn't having panic attacks.

Based on my own experience and that of women I know, if you are waking up with a panic attack it suggests stress on a very deep level that is caused by sustained abuse not a rough patch.

Please leave OP. This is not a kind loving man.
It will not be long before he starts snapping at your daughter and moves his anger there.
Do you want her also living on eggshells?

I am not saying it won't be tough - it will be - but way easier in the long run then living with this horrid 'man' - don't really want to call him a man. Coward more like.

Please go to your mums x

My face 😲😡 when he said that! Id rip him a new one tbh.

Go to mums for couple week OP

Please go to your mum’s OP, you can’t live like this. He’s abusive and this won’t get better, only worse. You have to put yourself and your baby first. Sending hugs

Go to mums when he’s out at work. You can tell him when you’re safe that you needed some support and breathing space from the tension at home.

If that’s not possible have someone with you when you tell him.

Gather your thoughts, make your plans, see how he reacts. If it’s genuinely PTSD due to the trauma of your birth and stress of new baby he will be shocked, then devastated and seek help.

The time you are at biggest risk is when you tell him you’re leaving - don’t do it in person unless you have someone with you!

I hope you go to your mums OP. You need support and you need to be safe x

Oh what a shame for him, the pregnancy has been so difficult for him?? Did he carry a baby and have health issues for 9 months?
He is abusive, is there anyone who can come and pick you up? You need to get away from him, he is not supportive and is making you worse.
You should to speak to your health visitor for post natal support.
Someone said to me before I had children that have a child is the hardest thing you will do.
He should be caring and offering support which he isn't.
Please get some time away from him for your mental and physical health and tell someone. 💐

I'd tell him he needs to leave tbh. Why should you and the baby move out when its him being the arsehole? Have your mum move in with you there (we're assuming your mum is decent and the sort who loves her kids and is capable of helping).

I suppose he'd refuse to leave though? He seems like that sort. And at least if you go, you don't have to worry about him coming back randomly.

Either way, see about getting the house on the market ASAP if possible. Selling it will give you some money for renting a place of your own. He will likely try to make it difficult for you but persevere and you'll get there eventually.

How has your day been @Al991

You have both been through a very difficult time and I know from experience that it is easier to take it out on those closest to you. I have close friends and family that report huge stresses in the early stages of having a baby, simply because of the major upheaval a baby brings into people's lives. The constant tiredness and lack of sleep is a major stressor; I don't necessarily believe your partner is abusive , it must have been difficult for him during your pregnancy.
I agree that you both need some space for a while to reflect and rejuvenate
before embarking on being together again. Don't make the time away be too long. I have hope for your relationship, you have been together a long time and there has been a major change. In the longterm, staying together and working through the challenges will be in the best interests of all. However, you do need some space apart. Shouting cannot be allowed to fester and continue