AIBU to be annoyed?

[1980F]

Name changed. I have told my partner that i want to split up. Weve been together a long time but getting to 40 has had me thinking about things, reassessing and im not really happy in my relationship. I feel lonely and like im a single parent. I know that sounds odd writing that down.

we have kids. Both work, living month to month. Currently renting. We do have some savings. I feel like the mental load all falls to me. I organise bills/shopping/kids school stuff/out of school stuff. Its annoying

during the week, we both work. He gets himself up and out the door. He does have a 45 minute drive to work each way. He leaves early and back around 530pm. getting the kids up and out the door on time is left to me inc bags and pack ups plus all the mental load of remembering school activities etc. My DD is going through some school anxiety and im struggling to get her in most days. Its not easy when they're a teen. Sometimes i get into work for a rest. Feels like ive done part days work before 9am! I pick all the kids back up again at the end of the day and when we get in, sort their tea and general tidy/other stuff during the evening before bed. Most days, i dont sit down until 930pm. Theres lots to do and my house never seems clean/tidy (not that ive got ocd or anything like that).

come the weekend im doing all the clothes washing/cleaning the house/gardening/taking kids to various clubs/dropping off to friends houses etc. its none stop. Im also trying to set up a business in my spare time (taking forever as i just cant find the time), so it will allow me to WFH and be more flexible than the rigid 9-5 (plus hopefully more money).

Ive been watching objectively and during the week he comes home from work, gets changed/showered/makes his own tea (he eats a lot of chinese/thai/indian foods that the rest of us dont like). Then watches TV upstairs in the bedroom until bedtime and gets himself into bed and goes sleep. Weekends, last weekend he had a lie in, leisurely breakfast, went into town shopping and met a friend for a drink, went round their house had a bbq and decided to stay over. Came back sunday hanging. Didnt get much done Sunday despite saying he would sort the garden. He had a few beers, did his tea and was tucked up in bed by 830pm 😂

meanwhile, im running around doing all the jobs in the background/staying up late sunday nights doing washing& drying. Ive tried to give him plenty of chances, asked him to do things, which he will do a couple of times then stops/forgets/does it badly so i just take it over again. He doesn’t want to split up and says hes working on it.

anyway last night, i said to him, you dont help out with anything in the week/weekend. He said hes tired and just doesn’t have the energy, he gets up early, has a long commute and his office job is full on - he said, unlike mine which (is also an office job) he says i dont have the same pressures! Unbelievable 🤦🏻‍♀️ He was drinking last night as i heard the cans opening, I suspect he drinks quite often as ill find cans hidden, or stuffed at the bottom of the bin, hes a bit sneaky like that. No wonder hes tired!

is it me?

No, it definitely is not you! He seems like a lazy, selfish slob and is treating you like a doormat. I'm glad you can see that you deserve better. You are essentially a single parent at this point. You're doing everything whilst he looks after himself. I'm sure you'll feel a lot of weight off your shoulders if you don't have to deal with him.

Forgot to say - leaves all the washing up for me too including the burnt on marinated pots and pans hes been using the night before. Really pisses me off. Im wfh today and he sees that as me having time to do all of those things because im at home. It doesn’t work like that. Odd times ill wash up in the five mins i have before starting work/in my 30 minute lunch time.

we are just housemates at the moment. There is no connection anymore. We do nothing together. No sex life. I cant even consider that when im so tired and in all honestly theres just nothing there anymore. Im right to call it a day arent i?

He is an extra child for you to deal with.
How old are the children, get them to help out more.

Stand firm. Split up. You will be happier

No it's not you. He sounds like another child. As he doesn't want to be present and involved in the every day family life then he can be single.

He doesn’t want to split up
Of course he doesn't. He's got a ready made cleaner, gardener, admin assistant and childminder hidden inside a flat mate who pays the bills. Actually you haven't said, what is your percentage of bill paying to wages? Please don't tell me he pays less but saves more.

You feel like a single parent because you are. In fact he is creating more work for you as well as creating more stress. I see what he gets from the relationship but what do you get?

It isn’t you op. He sounds utterly feeble. No initiative. And cheeky to boot. Taking advantage of your willingness to graft. What was his father like?

I thought you were going to say he was the usual run-of-the-mill lazy but coming home and cooking his own food, leaving you the pots to wash up, then buggering off upstairs to watch tv is taking the Michael massively! As is not participating in family life at weekends.

I’d be asking why on earth he thinks he wants to stay married when he is already living his life as a single man with housekeeper!

I’d like to add having been through it myself, that when you set up on your own, please make it a totally fresh start for yourself and your teen(s). They are capable of a lot more than you think.

Foster the dynamic of you all being competent individuals, sharing a house together, with each of you contributing to the chores. Don’t fall in to the trap of doing everything for them. That way they don’t turn out like their dad!

Yes of course get the help that your dd needs for her anxiety, but also let her suffer the natural consequences herself of not attending school. Don’t lie for her or speak to the attendance admins on her behalf. Tell the school you are trying to make her more responsible for herself and follow through. She will thank you in the end! Good luck.

Sounds like he pretty much lives by himself now anyway. I can see why you want to break up. Do it now rather than later.

What was his response when you said you don't want this anymore?

Has he always been like this?

Also could you be perimenopausal because from what I've read it really does a number on you, if suddenly you're feeling different. Although it does sound like these are big problems, the cheek of him leaving his washing up in the sink! Have a serious chat and if he's not willing to make changes and stop drinking then there's no future.

Mine was like that. I spoke with him and he decided I wasn't good enough so he dumped me for OW.

For me talking to him was a win, regardless the outcome.

Have the talk and take it form there.

He isn't going to step up and be an amazing parent if you break up so be prepared, you will be doing all of the child rearing on your own, however with one less *child,-HIM.
Less mess, less food shopping, washing, ironing etc

Make sure you withdraw half the joint savings before you tell him you want to split.

He sounds useless. He’s been a very bad role model as a father. Why did he think he didn’t need to parent? (It’s not helping by the way - they’re his children, too. It’s parenting). No wonder you want out.

I travel 3 hours a day to from work..so he's no excuse ..also when DD was younger and i had long term partner. I did everything you do...inc diy ..decorating..shopping..mental load, appointments..cleaning..etc. he did same as your OH ... nothing.it took me 25 years to dump him. I love being single tbh. Im fed up with looking after everyone...36 years looking after others...i stopped.
Dump him OP..hes working on it?!!! No....He should have worked on it from beginning.

In his eyes, you’re “Mum”. I bet he had this model growing up. Mum does everything house and kids related; Dad works then pleases himself. Except the current generation of mums are likely to work outside the home as well!

Fuck that - break the cycle and get yourself and your kids out of this scenario. Have everyone sharing the chores so no one thinks sitting about while “Mum” works is acceptable.

Just think how much easier your life is going to be without him there; no burnt pots to wash up, no broken expectations.

His will be immeasurably harder, which is why he wants to stay.

Last sentence... bang on!

If you want to try to save it, try a short sharp lesson. Take yourself off to a hotel, family member or freind for a week. Tell him in advance, help him plan it out. And leave him too it.

Does he any attention to the children? If ye split he will have to have them on his own and will have to make an effort?
You can't keep going like this as the resentment of seeing another adult do nothing to help you is soul destroying. Getting some counselling for yourself to support you through the process would he helpful as he is not going to accept this easily since his life is perfect with his own live in slave.

Why would he want to split up? He's treating you like his mother. You will have much more of a life if he goes.

You mentioned you are living month to month. When you split up you might be entitled to universal credit (depending on amount if savings you got). You are still young, set yourself free and live resentment free life

Do yourself a favour and bin him.

You're getting nothing but extra work from this twit.

Thanks all. Yeah he does drink too much. He’s pretty much a daily drinker in the evening after work/weekends.

last night we all got in at the same time. He wanted to cook tea but purposely left the pots and pans on the side. He took one look at it and started saying how tired he felt. Went upstairs and switched on the tv, opened a beer and that was it for the night 😤 i ended up washing up in the end as i hate mess. Im beginning to wonder if he’s depressed or something. Ive told him i want to split up, he just won’t talk about it. He says he “working on it” (our relationship) but how when he doesn’t do anything with us? If i try to talk to him about splitting up, he gets all mardy/sarcastic/angry. Its so difficult to have an adult sit down conversation. I get he doesn’t want to split but he has to face it.

One of the things that annoys me is, ill point out hes not helping with xyz and hell say- just ask/tell me and ill do it. But these are daily jobs for tge family, he should do it automatically. Im not the house supervisor. Thats just adding to my mental load. It really is frustrating

Im beginning to wonder if he’s depressed or something.
Ffs stop. If he is depressed he can do the grown up thing of seeing his GP. Many, many depressed (and even suicidal) people do this aaalllllll by themselves. Stop mothering or feeling responsible for him.

Ive told him i want to split up, he just won’t talk about it.
Stop talking then. Decide what YOU want and then tell him. If the house is joint and you both want to stay then it gets sold. Don't argue about who stays or over material things, just focus on how to get away.

He says he “working on it” (our relationship) but how when he doesn’t do anything with us? If i try to talk to him about splitting up, he gets all mardy/sarcastic/angry.
That is exactly what the term "shutting you down" means. It stops you from bringing the subject up and is a known manipulation tactic. Step back, take emotion and hope out of it and see this for what it really is. Training you to shut up.

Its so difficult to have an adult sit down conversation. I get he doesn’t want to split but he has to face it.
Again, decide what you really want and tell him. Don't ask, don't suggest, don't plead or beg. Tell. This is your life too. Live it

Thank you for the virtual kick up the arse. I know you are right