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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed?

42 replies

1980F · 12/10/2023 09:49

Name changed. I have told my partner that i want to split up. Weve been together a long time but getting to 40 has had me thinking about things, reassessing and im not really happy in my relationship. I feel lonely and like im a single parent. I know that sounds odd writing that down.

we have kids. Both work, living month to month. Currently renting. We do have some savings. I feel like the mental load all falls to me. I organise bills/shopping/kids school stuff/out of school stuff. Its annoying

during the week, we both work. He gets himself up and out the door. He does have a 45 minute drive to work each way. He leaves early and back around 530pm. getting the kids up and out the door on time is left to me inc bags and pack ups plus all the mental load of remembering school activities etc. My DD is going through some school anxiety and im struggling to get her in most days. Its not easy when they're a teen. Sometimes i get into work for a rest. Feels like ive done part days work before 9am! I pick all the kids back up again at the end of the day and when we get in, sort their tea and general tidy/other stuff during the evening before bed. Most days, i dont sit down until 930pm. Theres lots to do and my house never seems clean/tidy (not that ive got ocd or anything like that).

come the weekend im doing all the clothes washing/cleaning the house/gardening/taking kids to various clubs/dropping off to friends houses etc. its none stop. Im also trying to set up a business in my spare time (taking forever as i just cant find the time), so it will allow me to WFH and be more flexible than the rigid 9-5 (plus hopefully more money).

Ive been watching objectively and during the week he comes home from work, gets changed/showered/makes his own tea (he eats a lot of chinese/thai/indian foods that the rest of us dont like). Then watches TV upstairs in the bedroom until bedtime and gets himself into bed and goes sleep. Weekends, last weekend he had a lie in, leisurely breakfast, went into town shopping and met a friend for a drink, went round their house had a bbq and decided to stay over. Came back sunday hanging. Didnt get much done Sunday despite saying he would sort the garden. He had a few beers, did his tea and was tucked up in bed by 830pm 😂

meanwhile, im running around doing all the jobs in the background/staying up late sunday nights doing washing& drying. Ive tried to give him plenty of chances, asked him to do things, which he will do a couple of times then stops/forgets/does it badly so i just take it over again. He doesn’t want to split up and says hes working on it.

anyway last night, i said to him, you dont help out with anything in the week/weekend. He said hes tired and just doesn’t have the energy, he gets up early, has a long commute and his office job is full on - he said, unlike mine which (is also an office job) he says i dont have the same pressures! Unbelievable 🤦🏻‍♀️ He was drinking last night as i heard the cans opening, I suspect he drinks quite often as ill find cans hidden, or stuffed at the bottom of the bin, hes a bit sneaky like that. No wonder hes tired!

is it me?

OP posts:
Bug33 · 13/10/2023 20:06

I am in exactly the same position and situation as you 😭. I do everything pretty much.. he wanders upstairs to watch tv with a beer when he gets in from work or goes and sits in the bath for 2 hours ! i work part time and we split the bills 50/50 so he has loads of spare money at the end of the month and I have nothing because ‘he can’t afford to pay more and I should get a better paying job if I haven’t got any money’ I have now come to the conclusion that I deserve better. The hard bit is the housing situation and it’s stalled me so we are both living in the same house still even though I have told him I want to separate. I don’t know how I’m going to afford renting on my own with 2 kids and definitely won’t be able to buy by myself. I don’t want to spend all the equity from the house sale on rent but is that going to be my only option?? What are you planning on doing in terms of housing once you split??

Pixiedust1234 · 13/10/2023 20:28

Thank you for the virtual kick up the arse. I know you are right

Sorry if it came over has harsh. I'm only right because I was lost like you these past few years with an angry lazy selfish man. Finally got my act together and told him it was over and he meekly agreed (not saying yours will). Previously begging, pleading, asking got the same response as you. I think he sensed a change that I really did mean it. Even if he had totally changed my respect for him has gone, the resentment is far too great.

Take time to actually think what you want, what your future will possibly look like without him, and start putting things into place, eg solicitor, copies of statements, rentals in case or counselling if you wish to stay. Then tell him what you want Flowers

Guesswho88 · 13/10/2023 20:48

If you get into work for a rest....then you don't have the same pressures. He said that for a reason..

Chelsea543 · 13/10/2023 21:19

This is my life although I left my children’s dad because I was a single parent in a relationship - and what’s the point of that! But even now in a new relationship I still have all the school runs, sick days, dinners to make, laundry etc but I know their dad would just never be good enough to deal with that stuff. However he does have them and takes them to his mum who does everything for him!

Like others said don’t ask him to help just tell him. If you’re going out for the night or for a few hours then just say that and he will have to hold the fort. You can hardly blame him for getting away with it if you’ve never called him out on it!

Original poster
1980F · 14/10/2023 00:11

Guesswho88 · 13/10/2023 20:48

If you get into work for a rest....then you don't have the same pressures. He said that for a reason..

It was a joke. My job is pressured but having a stand off each morning with a teen that doesn’t want to go school is awful. He doesn’t get that, late out the door, late dropping off at schools and late walking into the office past my boss and apologising

OP posts:
Original poster
1980F · 14/10/2023 00:12

Chelsea543 · 13/10/2023 21:19

This is my life although I left my children’s dad because I was a single parent in a relationship - and what’s the point of that! But even now in a new relationship I still have all the school runs, sick days, dinners to make, laundry etc but I know their dad would just never be good enough to deal with that stuff. However he does have them and takes them to his mum who does everything for him!

Like others said don’t ask him to help just tell him. If you’re going out for the night or for a few hours then just say that and he will have to hold the fort. You can hardly blame him for getting away with it if you’ve never called him out on it!

Ive called him out on it many times over the years

OP posts:
Owlish1003 · 14/10/2023 03:16

You can hardly blame him for getting away with it if you’ve never called him out on it!

Oh yes you certainly can. It’s not op’s job to police her useless husband’s actions. He chooses to behave this way every day. He is an adult who is solely responsible for his own decisions.

Bogeyes · 14/10/2023 03:39

Good luck.x

randomusernam · 14/10/2023 03:56

You are a single parent with a grown adult to clean up after. Get him out asap, he will never see/help you properly if he is happy to say he is tired when he can see you running round. Does he not think you are tired too? So selfish

Climbingthehillfast · 14/10/2023 06:58

He’s just lazy. Getting home at 530 implies he’s got a straightforward 9-5 job. He’s not going to change. Your poor kids having a role model like him.

Loubelle70 · 14/10/2023 07:52

Pixiedust1234 · 13/10/2023 19:44

Im beginning to wonder if he’s depressed or something.
Ffs stop. If he is depressed he can do the grown up thing of seeing his GP. Many, many depressed (and even suicidal) people do this aaalllllll by themselves. Stop mothering or feeling responsible for him.

Ive told him i want to split up, he just won’t talk about it.
Stop talking then. Decide what YOU want and then tell him. If the house is joint and you both want to stay then it gets sold. Don't argue about who stays or over material things, just focus on how to get away.

He says he “working on it” (our relationship) but how when he doesn’t do anything with us? If i try to talk to him about splitting up, he gets all mardy/sarcastic/angry.
That is exactly what the term "shutting you down" means. It stops you from bringing the subject up and is a known manipulation tactic. Step back, take emotion and hope out of it and see this for what it really is. Training you to shut up.

Its so difficult to have an adult sit down conversation. I get he doesn’t want to split but he has to face it.
Again, decide what you really want and tell him. Don't ask, don't suggest, don't plead or beg. Tell. This is your life too. Live it Flowers

Everything i wanted to say.

Loubelle70 · 14/10/2023 07:54

Guesswho88 · 13/10/2023 20:48

If you get into work for a rest....then you don't have the same pressures. He said that for a reason..

Nope.
He contributes.. he's a father and husband... working or not

Velvian · 14/10/2023 08:03

I'm sorry, but if his job is so stressful with a 45 minute commute, he needs to change it.

If he gets home at 5.30 after said commute, it is not that intense. He has family responsibilities that can't be ignored just because he works. That is not going to cut it in an age when women need to work too. Men/dads really need to step up on this issue.

Would he want to stay in the house @1980F ? I would move 50% of joint savings to an account he can't access and look for a rental for yourself and the DC.

Loubelle70 · 14/10/2023 09:35

Velvian · 14/10/2023 08:03

I'm sorry, but if his job is so stressful with a 45 minute commute, he needs to change it.

If he gets home at 5.30 after said commute, it is not that intense. He has family responsibilities that can't be ignored just because he works. That is not going to cut it in an age when women need to work too. Men/dads really need to step up on this issue.

Would he want to stay in the house @1980F ? I would move 50% of joint savings to an account he can't access and look for a rental for yourself and the DC.

Edited

Definitely. Tbh thats an easy commute. Its a 4 hour round commute for my work. When i didnt ditch the ex i still came back to clean, cook, diy, decorating etc. Now ditched him ive less to do at home.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 14/10/2023 09:46

Stop making his life easy. Do nothing for him. Time he learnt to use the washing machine & the iron.
Don't buy the stuff for his messy meals. Stop doing his washing up.
STOP BEING HIS SKIVVY.

RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance · 14/10/2023 09:56

I couldn't believe how much easier my life was when I ditched the selfish ex. It felt like I'd lost a couple of stone overnight!

Guesswho88 · 14/10/2023 11:46

1980F · 14/10/2023 00:11

It was a joke. My job is pressured but having a stand off each morning with a teen that doesn’t want to go school is awful. He doesn’t get that, late out the door, late dropping off at schools and late walking into the office past my boss and apologising

Show quote history

It still seems he is of the opinion though that his job is more stressful than yours.

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