HELP

[igloo]

Please don’t reply with any unpleasant comments, I know that I should have walked away on day one. I have been in a nine year relationship with a married man. He lives partly in the U.K. and partly overseas(with his wife). Recently we have been arguing because I caught him in a restaurant with another woman. I said I would tell his wife and adult daughter. He says this is blackmail but I have not asked him for anything in return, just not to end our relationship. I have also discovered he is on Bumble and meeting other women. I know I should leave him but after nine years it is almost impossible. We also work together. He refuses to show me proof that this woman is no longer in his life. Today I called him many times because he kept hanging up on me mid-conversation. Now he is threatening to go to the police to say I am stalking him. Can he do that? He is psychologically and emotionally abusing me but I cannot leave because at 50, I am terrified to be alone. He is my only support network. I don’t want to tell his wife but I don’t know what else to do. I am concerned that he is going to leave her too for this woman(he claims is no longer in his life). She is 57 and would be crushed. I am terrified he will take me to court but I don’t think I have done or are doing anything illegal. I would be grateful for some advice.

He won’t take you to court.
But do you really want to be with someone who’d threaten that.
Shake the dust from your feet. You deserve better.

He is not your support network, he is making you deeply unhappy. Be brave and walk away. 💐

It's essential to prioritize your own well-being and seek support to navigate the challenges of ending a long-term relationship. Remember that you deserve happiness, respect, and a fulfilling life, and taking steps to end an unhealthy relationship is a positive step in that direction.

He is cheating on his wife with you and cheating on you both with other women.
He is a cheat. You need to walk away, don't contact him and get therapy.

You ARE blackmailing him.
You ARE stalking him.
He has good reason to go to the police however I doubt tge cheating coward would!

Ewww @ZekeZeke how is she stalking and how has he good reason to go to the police??

He is not your "support network" and you are clearly only one of many women in his life. You are being used and will be better off without him.

I don’t know if it legally counts as blackmail or not (as she isn’t demanding money or anything) but it does sound like “blackmail” at least in the common understanding of the word . From what I can understand she is demanding he not break up with her or she will tell his family about their affair.

Recently we have been arguing because I caught him in a restaurant with another woman. I said I would tell his wife and adult daughter. He says this is blackmail but I have not asked him for anything in return, just not to end our relationship

He has every right to go to the police, whether he does or not remains to be seen. However if he does, you brought this on yourself.

You are stalking him
You are trying to blackmail him.
You intentionally sought out and became involved with a married man.

You knew that you should have walked away day 1, but you are still involved with him.

Your priorities are not in order.

Leave him alone. Perhaps take a break from dating
Work towards becoming a better person and parent.

This isn't the role model and example you want to be for your child, is it??

Therapy perhaps would be beneficial for you.

Please please leave him. I know it's so hard but believe me, you will be fine, and you will survive. This is no way to live.

1. Blackmail: Threatening to tell his wife and adult daughter if he ended the relationship.

1. Calling him multiple times, he doesn'twant to speak with her. She is harassing him. Following him to a restaurant and seeing him with another woman-likely caused ructions.

It's over!

I truly do not understand why you are bothered about this third woman when you already know he has a wife! And please stop with your fake concern over his wife being crushed.

He isn’t going to take you to court, but if you carry on harassing him, he might just make a police report. It’s over, best thing you can do is move on.

Please OP, stop debasing yourself for this man, no man on earth is worth lowering yourself to this. I'm pretty sure you didn't start out in life imagining you'd ever be living the way you are, so stop wasting your time and energy on a lying cheat and start putting it all into building a decent future for yourself.

Gosh don't worry about the police they won't be interested and have better things to do than deal with relationship problems.

OP I think you need to re-set your mindset about this. It may feel almost impossible for you to leave him, but it really isn’t in reality. There are three major steps…

What is it you are so afraid of in particular? When you say he is your only support: do you mean emotionally or financially? If you work together; are your finances inextricably linked in a business or do you have an independent salary?

You need some financial, possible legal advice op. 1. The first practical priority Is to get a new job. Start working on that straightaway. Get careers advice, sort out your CV, get your name out there and do everything you can to get a job that will pay you enough to live independently. 2. The second step is to find yourself decent living accommodation.

So what if your living standards drop … you will be able to look yourself in the eye and feel independent and proud - and if you are genuinely concerned about his wife ( sorry but I have to say I found that part of your post very hypocritical and massively lacking in self awareness) then you can be proud that you have done the right thing by her finally.

And the third step (once steps 1 & 2 have been achieved) is to tackle the emotional aspects of your dependency on this man who sounds so awful. Why do you not think you deserve better? Why do you have such low standards for yourself? Why are you happy to constantly come second or third in this man’s life? If you can afford it, you might want to see a licensed psych therapist to explore this.

Good luck with your new life op! You wouldn’t have posted if you didn’t know what you need to do … .

is one day of a lengthy discussion about not ending our relationship (from both sides) stalking? We were supposed to meet for dinner and he caused an argument and kept hanging up. He threatens to call my adult son all the time and talk about our sex life. Is that not blackmail by your definition? My therapist says he is has narcissistic personality disorder. He certainly ticks most of the boxes.

I'm afraid you are blackmailing him. You say you haven't asked for anything, just not to end the relationship. That in itself is blackmail.

You need to stop that.

I’m just really surprised you have allowed this situation for NINE years. What a Depressing, sad waste of your time. He has obviously moved on….

Thank you. We don’t live together. I am not in the greatest frame of mind to be so proactive.
He pays my wages via a company we both work for. I cannot work for them without him. He is their star agent and they all walk on eggshells to please him. In terms of his wife, he forced me to meet her last year at a work event in Italy(where she lives). I begged him not to bring her(he usually leaves her at home for these things). I had to smile in the poor woman’s face. She is nice and doesn’t deserve this. If it wasn’t me, it would be (and is) another woman. He has a problem. She liked me so much she wanted to meet in the UK(she comes over regularly) for coffee. He lies to her and says I am too busy. Of course I don’t want to meet her again. My husband left me for another woman and hypocritical as it may be, I know how it feels. I wanted to know. I begged all his friends to tell me about the other woman, no one would and then one day he blindsided me and walked out leaving me with nothing but our young baby. That is why I am so scared to end up with nothing again. I know very well how it feels. It is extremely traumatic. I have no family, just my son. It’s not easy to dust yourself off twice. But I guess that’s life.

Op whether you are technically blackmailing him, or him you, or you are both blackmailing each other, is immaterial now.

You need to walk away from this damaging situation for your own mental well-being. Your relationship sounds like a car crash. You need to focus on the fact that there is no coming back from this. Get with it and leave!

It’s good that you have a therapist for support. Lean on them and walk away.

Of course it's not stalking lol.

Not sure threatening yo tell someone's wife they are shagging someone else counts as blackmail either. I mean unless maybe you write 'if you dump me ill tell her'. But her not going to report that to the police as no scumball wants to admit they are a scumball. All the police would do is tell you to avoid him anyway. If they even care enough to find time to do that, which I very much doubt.

The real issue is that you're in a game of pick-me for a shitey prize like him. Please don't kid us that you care a jot about his wife. If you dud, you wouldn't have been shagging her husband for 9 years. And now you know it's not some forbidden love bs. Because he's not even satisfied with two women! He's a user.

Being single is not anywhere near as scary as dating an arsehole.Please fight to find your self respect and walk away. Join some meetup groups and make new social connections. 50 is the new 35. You only get one life. Don't waste it being low on the ground for some man. Spend it elevating yourself into someone you cann be proud off. Who means well and does good.

I went to his home to speak with him after he screamed and swore at me on the phone for two hours because he cancelled our usual date. I was suspicious. He lives in an apartment very near to a restaurant. We always go there for dinner. I was waiting for him to come home from work.

But you already have nothing. Worse than nothing - you are in chains.

Better being alone and free than bound and gagged and made to be a puppet in a show you can't escape.

Start jobhunting now. Secure a job before telling anyone. Then leave and don't tell him where you are going. Even if you're not strong enough to end it with him yet, at least you can be proactive about making sure your livelihood doesn't depend on the scumball.

Where does your son fit in all this mess? Do you have any plans to put him first?

Why would you stay on the end of a phone for two hours whilst somebody was screaming and swearing at you. You know most people would hang up.

Hanging around outside somebody’s home is not a pattern of behaviour you want to start. Leave it now, it’s done. Start working on yourself. First task is to find new employment.

Emotional blackmail but not blackmail by a legal definition surely?
He abuses me psychologically and emotionally all the time. I think I am trauma bonded to him. Seven years ago he punched me in the face because I said his name when he was on the phone to another woman. He was trying to sell the idea of an open relationship to me but after he left me to sit in the tiny hotel broom cupboard for almost an hour while he claimed to be speaking to his wife and daughter (in Italian, which I couldn’t understand at the time) I had enough. I heard him laughing and giggling and I knew he never did that with his wife or daughter. I forgave him. Five years ago his wife found out he had been cheating in a very indirect way. She cut his social media completely, took charge of his bank accounts, checked his phone constantly, FaceTimed him constantly, tracked his phone and followed him on as many business trips as she could. Yet STILL she didn’t find out about me. I will spare you all the furtive ways he evaded her. I know he is a bad egg but I still love him. He is not all bad. After three years of tracking, he threatened to leave his wife if she didn’t stop monitoring his phone. This is how he has become free to cheat again - with multiple women(I think). She doesn’t know. She has started to trust him again. I know that she doesn’t deserve to be hurt but my son is hurt from seeing me cry every day and he has been so awful to me on and off over the years, I wonder why I should still keep all his secrets. I am not a vengeful person but he has pushed me to the edge. Maybe she’ll catch him again. I should have gone to the police when he punched me in the face but out of love and because I didn’t want his wife and daughter to find out, I said nothing. I have endured much over the years. His wife actually told me “I have learned to ignore all the horrible things that he says.” I don’t know why she said that to me. He was being obnoxious to her when we met. Putting her down in front of me etc. He has two extremely good women by his side who love him endlessly but that isn’t enough. Nothing is ever enough