HELP

[igloo]

Please don’t reply with any unpleasant comments, I know that I should have walked away on day one. I have been in a nine year relationship with a married man. He lives partly in the U.K. and partly overseas(with his wife). Recently we have been arguing because I caught him in a restaurant with another woman. I said I would tell his wife and adult daughter. He says this is blackmail but I have not asked him for anything in return, just not to end our relationship. I have also discovered he is on Bumble and meeting other women. I know I should leave him but after nine years it is almost impossible. We also work together. He refuses to show me proof that this woman is no longer in his life. Today I called him many times because he kept hanging up on me mid-conversation. Now he is threatening to go to the police to say I am stalking him. Can he do that? He is psychologically and emotionally abusing me but I cannot leave because at 50, I am terrified to be alone. He is my only support network. I don’t want to tell his wife but I don’t know what else to do. I am concerned that he is going to leave her too for this woman(he claims is no longer in his life). She is 57 and would be crushed. I am terrified he will take me to court but I don’t think I have done or are doing anything illegal. I would be grateful for some advice.

I have a morbid fear of being left, after my mother died(who was my whole world). Then I got married and had a baby and my husband left me for another woman (because parenthood was not for him). He left me with nothing, absolutely nothing. I have additional trauma from that. I stayed alone for over 8 years because I was so scared of men and relationships and I just focused on my son. Then I met this guy- on the internet. I didn’t know he was married at first(he would take off his ring). Nine years later, he is my longest relationship and again, I am petrified of facing life alone. This guy destroyed the only three female friendships I had. I think he wanted to isolate me. They say these patterns repeat themselves. My ex-husband was extremely violent to me but I didn’t want him to leave.

My son is a well adjusted, healthy adult at top university. I achieved that all alone(no financial support from his father because the child support agency are useless) and no family whatsoever, thank you very much. My son is my priority. My relationship over nine years has very much been part time, so that my son gets 100% Thank for not judging

Op, if this is for real, can you step back and look at what you have just posted?

Look at what this man has reduced you to!

You need to use all of your rage, disappointment and frustration in to propelling you to find a new job.

It isn’t ringing true to me either after the latest. I’m out.

Can you get back in touch with your female friends. He doesn't have to know. It's good you don't live together

You say you dont want to be alone but the current situation is preferable is it ? Sounds pretty miserable to me. He doesnt love or respect you, he abuses you physically, emotionally, he’s cheating on you with other women not caring that you know and you are contributing to the pain of another woman, his wife. Not exactly the man of your dreams… (more nightmares).

Why can’t you work without him? It sounds like an excuse..No employer employs someone solely because of someone else… you are employed in your own right.

What support does he give you? What do you get from this relationship?

Ending it with him for good would be short term pain for long term gain and happiness. Or you can stay with him feeling stressed and miserable. You know you must end it. You might find it a great relief.

The whole situation sounds pathetic. Stop crying to your son everyday.

Get a grip and stop threatening each other and walk away, suspect you won’t and like the drama, if this is even real.

I know its hard being alone. My exh had an affair and dumped me and it was the shock of my life. But I got over it (didnt think i would).

You are stronger than you think - you have raised your son alone. You survived once, you can do it again.

He nets the company a five million euro profit bi-annually. They are siding with him. Plus they are all Italian and I am not fluent. I have no contract directly with them because I work for his company(in his wife’s name-long story). He sweet talked me into not needing a contract directly with them and I trusted him. They walk on eggshells to please him because he threatens to pull all their business here, if they bother him. Last year he had a big fight with the owner and the owner begged him to stay. His ego loved that. We all beg him to stay. Me, his wife, his suppliers etc. Only one company with a billion pound turn over stood up to him. They cut his commission (which they did with everyone due to covid) and he had a tantrum and told them to stick it. Now he regrets doing that every day because it was his cash cow. He is a very headstrong ego maniac. No one ever stands up to him. He manipulates us into being scared.

I don’t think it is strange that if your partner of nine years is acting in a weird way and you suspect he might be cheating that you go to investigate. His wife tried to jump on a plane to catch him but their daughter forewarned her Dad. He shouts at me but he is also pays my wages. If he is angry with me it makes me extremely anxious, so staying on the phone until he calms down feels more comfortable for me

Really? Thank you for sharing. I feel like I will never get over it at the moment.

So you have no skills to get a job in your own right then? He really has you over a barrel. How manipulative. How creepy actually…

Your son must be very worried about you. If you can’t end it for yourself, do it for your son, it must be very stressful for him. You are all he has.

@igloo
You’ve gotten yourself into a right royal fix, haven’t you. I’m sorry.
Surely you must realise that his fifty-seven-year-old-wife knows that her husband is a cad and a cheat and a womaniser. She’s in the same boat you are — too old to start over again. She absolutely knows about all the other women — she’s just too tired to care any more. She’s known for years about you and every other affair he’s had.
But you’re 50? Isn’t that a little mature for all this drama? All the “I’m going to call your wife!” “No, I’m going to call the police!”
Honestly, you two sound like a poorly written episode of daytime drama rather than real life.
And I NEVER EVER want to see you on Mumsnet championing women’s rights after you’ve treated this man’s wife so poorly.
I guess I’m fresh out of sympathy today, because I’ve BEEN that woman whose husband you cheated with.
He’s your problem now lol.

You will die poor and alone if you don’t get yourself out of this OP. You are getting older, you are not going to have the same appeal to a man like this, he is trading you in for a younger model.
Your son will find a partner who is unlikely to put up with this level of dependency from a MIL, so he will distance himself too.
I am being brutal; stop the whinging and the “trauma bonded” BS, properly talk to your therapist, look for another job, dump this pathetic arse and find yourself a life.
You get one shot at existence don’t waste it!

Sorry this is either nonsense or just the most pathetic tale I’ve heard. Stop playing the bloody victim here. He’s clearly an arsehole, no doubting that, but you knowingly got into a relationship with him, knowing he had a wife at home for nine bloody years.you’re only throwing your toys out the pram now because he’s choosing another woman over you, when you thought you were top dog.

And don’t feign concern about his wife that’s so utterly hypocritical. You and this nasty man have stolen her personal agency and right to informed sexual consent for nine years.

I would tell her, if I could do, she could get herself out of this situation and divorce him. Most likely taking a huge amount of his assets. Which I’m sure is why he’s threatening you.

But you wouldn’t be doing it to do anything other than cause him trouble because you’re seeing that you are not his priority.

Get a new job ffs and move on. And if you’ve been in therapy for years and still not listening I’d question the point of spending all that money.

FFS summon up some self respect and leave this creep

I think this sorry tale is made up. It’s not even legal. Nobody would work for a company without a contract and their salary going into their own bank account. There is the small part about TAX and NI!!

OP there are a million things worse than being alone, number one thing that's worse than being alone is being in an abusive relationship with a lying cheater who abuses you.
You said you've got a therapist. Ask Tell your therapist to give you some tough love. Ask Tell your therapist to help you (in this order)

1. Leave this job immediately and make a plan to find another job

2. Block this man and never speak to him again, and never have any contact with his wife, family, colleagues or indeed the entire population of Italy

1. Work on your self esteem and self reliance with the aim of believing that you will be fine on your own
2. Process the loss of your mother and your fear of being left so you stop re-enacting it.

Tell your therapist you want her/him to keep you accountable for doing the above.

I think your version is also very manipulative.

You are so focused on being a victim of this man but you chose all of this. He didn't chase off your friends, you did.

I was in an abusive marriage. I get it. I'm also adopted/foster kid. I have deep abandonment issues.

This isn't about that though. You chose to have a relationship with a married man. The only reason you are upset now is he is cheating on you too.

Also your son seeing you cry everyday over this guy. That's seriously fucked up.

Wow you need to get away from this existence. You have experienced betrayal yourself and now you are part of ruining someone else’s life. Just get as far away as you can. You are 50 and can start again but if you leave it any longer then you will be in the gutter forever.

How could this ever lead to a happy ending? I think it’s irrelevant whether woman 3 is still in the picture or not, if not her, it will be someone else. You know that he’s a cheat and actively looking on Bumble. I wouldn’t worry about him going to the police, but you really should end this relationship for your own sake.

He's isolated you from normal life.
This isn't normal.
You're not his partner. You're the other woman.
Yes, he can take you to court for a non molestation order if you're believed to be harassing him.
End it and walk away. If he can do it with you. He can do it to you.

You keep talking about what he means to the company but how is that remotely relevant to you. You're not even on the companies books!

Just find a new job. You don't even need to give notice. Plenty of restaurants looking for staff right now if you haven't experience in much else. And don't think that beneath you because it's not. It'll pay your bills and free you from being under his thumb.

Time to stop being a martyr op. This man only had the power you give him.

Just because everyone else kisses his arse doesn't mean you have to. You also forget that these people go home and are free of him. They probably have a great laugh at his expense with their families. Talking about what a freak he is but how they tolerate him as he makes them rich.

Just find a new job. It's not rocket science.

Calling him multiple times and then turning up at his house could be classed as harassment yes.

Stop calling him and start calling a therapist. This man will destroy your life because he does not give a shiny shit about you.