Long distance contact with son

[DadJ93]

Hi everyone,

I have been having long distance contact with my son for the last 3 years.

Me and his Mum are separated and we live 400 miles away from each other.

I have overnight contact with my son once a month, I have him on the first Friday of each month, over night (Friday, Saturday and Sunday)

As the case has been going through court, my ex has recently agreed to me having him stay with me where I live, during his school holidays. (I usually make the 400 mile journey and have him overnight where he lives) The first of these visits is coming up this weekend, where he will be spending an entire week with me and the rest of my family. This is a "trial run" and future extended contact will be determined by it's outcome. As his mum has been extremely difficult about allowing him to make the trip (which is understandable, as it is a very long way, so I'm grateful that she has agreed to it)

I've been reading some other posts about long distance contact, and I've seen a few people say that their child views their father more as an uncle, and less as a father (Albeit, the fathers in these situations seem to be extremely inconsistent with visits and they were very short 1 - 2 hour visits). I've been worried that my son will grow up resenting me, and this has just added fuel to that fire.

I have always been consistent with the contact I have with him, I've never let him down or skipped over visits for anything. When we are together we always have the absolute best time together and I know he loves spending time with me. I always make it as fun filled and exciting for both as us as I possibly can (Just for context, my son is 5 years old). I just want him to have good memories of me and him together.

Does anybody have any long term experience with this? I want to be able to see him more, but the circumstances make it difficult, and it's a costly journey. I know it hurts him having to wait so long between visits, and it really gets to me. I just don't want him to resent me as he grows older. We have a really close relationship, despite the distance and lapse of time.

Any words of advice would be much appreciated.

And, if you think I'm a piece of sh*t waste of space, please don't hold back :D

Who moved away in the first instance?
Do you maintain telephone contact with him in-between visits?
If not, would the mother be amenable to facilitating face time?
I think a lot of it depends on the resident parent also. If she's actively encouraging a relationship also.

Arguably, having your child for longer periods ie the whole of the summer holidays or a week at every holiday actually enables real parenting far more than weekend contact where Disney parenting can easily be done. (It’s impossible to do pizza/cinema/sweets etc every day over a long period for example; baths/showers need doing etc).

If every holiday becomes the norm, and very constant telephone contact, where you actively listen, also things like unexpected comic subscriptions are organised if you know from the telephone contact he’s had a tough time at school etc, or post a toblerone just because you love him and want to surprise him…not costly, but shows you are always thinking of him.

It’s happened like this in my wider family and the bond was very much kept up and kept strong.

This is not the same but I lived away from my extended family when my dc were primary aged and I had to keep the relationships with those people ticking along in a normal way for years.

The best way is video call. I quickly found that sitting down for twenty minutes on a Saturday wasn't working.

What was best was a quick call more often, Look grandma my tooth has fallen out.' Five minutes and then it's done. It makes the conversations far ,ore ordinary when people aren't having to recall what's happened that week. Like one of those 'what I did in the holidays' pieces of writing at school.

The next thing I would do is make sure you have shared interests. Follow what is happening with his favourite sports team, watch his favourite tv programme. I started watching coronation street when I was overseas so I could talk to my grandparents about it! If he collects Pokemon cards then throw yourself in to that too.

Try to get to know his world. Go to his school so you know his teacher and what door he goes in and what the slide looks like. Then when he tells you that he went down the slide face first when Mrs Brown wasn't looking you can say 'but that slide is taller than I am! And Mrs Brown never misses a trick so you did well there!'

Go to a birthday party so when he talks about Billy being his best friend you know who he is.

Your parenting needs to be ordinary on a day to day basis.

You should know what day his spelling test is so you can ask about it because those are the things that matter. You want him to get his spellings back and think 'I can't wait to tell my dad'.

If his topic at school is castles, buy a book on castles and read it then send it to him and say 'did you see on page seven the bit about moats' or whatever.

Also, during the week when you are having him for the first time at your house keep things consistent with home as much as possible. Really think about what dinners you are going to have for example.

Don't overwhelm him with zoo trips etc.

Talk positively about him mum and other people. If he starts to miss her draw her a picture together and of course FaceTime her. I taught reception for years. This age of child will miss their mummy during the school day never mind a whole week. Be prepared for this and get ready to make her a pasta necklace as a distraction.

You shouldn't be living that far away from your young child. It really is that simple

Thank you, I really appreciate the advice. I do hope that holiday contact eventually becomes the norm.

we do have a lot of common interests that we share when we are together. He’s very artistic, we play the same video games together, he has a keen interest in cars and we both love marine life (we’re not really sporty people 😆)

I keep up to date with his school via telephone contact with his teachers, and they have a system called Learning Journals where they regularly upload his learning progress along with photos of what he’s been doing, and I always make sure to talk to him about whatever I’ve seen he’s been up to :)

I mean, it’s not really as simple as that at all. I’ve been consistently in his life since the day me and his mum separated. I’m just trying to make the best of a difficult situation and get some advice on the best way to maintain that bond with him going forward. But thanks for your input

Some really great ideas on here. I hope you find some that work for you. Its hard being so far away.

But who moved away OP, you haven't answered that.

I moved away, because at the point we separated, my father passed away (my parents are quite elderly)

I care for my
mother because she is 74 and doesn’t have anybody else to look after her. So it’s a toss up between sticking my mother in a care home or moving back to where my son and ex lives to be nearer to him. I also run a successful business in the city where I live, and it would be very, very difficult for me to move said business to where my son lives, as the area is not the most developed and is actually fairly deprived.

his mum does not facilitate FaceTime calls, because she believes it is a waste of her time. She does however foster the relationship between me and our son, to the extent that she talks to him about what we’ve been doing, let’s him know when he’ll next be seeing me etc, but that’s about it.

when I send birthday cards or other gifts, she has sent them back in the past and not even given them to him. All of which I have saved to give him at a later date when he is older, and regrettably tell him that they were things that his mum would not allow me to give to him through her.

I also made a photo album, of the times that me and him have spent together, another thing that she would also not allow him to have.

at the end of the day, I think the decisions she is making about these things, will ultimately come back to bite her, because it is only him that is missing out by her acting the way she is.

despite all of this, me and my son still have a very close bond, and the time we spend together is incredibly special. I just wish his mum would be more open to the idea of allowing phone contact and me giving him stuff.

Be a consistent, warm, loving presence in your sons life and you will be rewarded handsomely for that in the future.

Keep on with court as I predict this woman is worried that you will be awarded more contact than she was allowing hence her being more accommodating now.

Don’t stop proceedings what ever you do as then she can do what the hell she likes.

It only hurts your son when you both say bad things about each other.

So presents etc - tell your son you will post his cards and keep gifts until he comes to your house. That’s assuming she would give him the card.

You shouldn't say those things about his mother to him. You're both as bad as each other imo

I haven’t said anything to him about his mother. I always ask him if she’s been good for her, and he’s always telling me the silly stuff they get up to.

I wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt their relationship, or try to. But as I said, if a time ever comes where he asks me certain questions, I will be honest with him in the gentlest way I can

Thank you. Yes she has been more accommodating because there is a child welfare hearing coming up, and as you said she may very well have been worried that I would be awarded more contact, so she has “thrown me a bone” so to speak.

I wish that I could have a better relationship with his Mum, but she is a very stubborn, difficult person and court proceedings have been ongoing for 3 years now and it has taken its toll on me. But I will never give up

You need to just focus on your relationship with him..I wouldn't tell him things like mummy didn't allow you etc.

Understandable reasons why you moved away but ultimately you did move.

Perhaps when your son is old enough you can discuss with his mother re getting a basic mobile phone for contact in the week

I'm not sure how I can see you will be awarded more contact than every other weekend and holidays if you live 400 miles away. Its all about the best interests of the child also and they may not think travelling 400 miles consistently is in his best interests.
I don't know your history with the mother but you aren't very complimentary about her.
I presume she does everything on a day to day basis?
You also can't force a co parenting relationship with her. She may have her own reasons why she doesn't want to co parent with you. We'll never know.

I too think that moving away was poor and that whatever you do it will be difficult to ‘mitigate’ for that choice, other than move back and co parent.

I think OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place with having had to move away from his child to care for his mother.

Ultimately though OP, you are the one who moved and now you're essentially expecting the mother to facilitate your relationship with your son..I'd be pretty aggrieved if I was her tbh.

Maybe she doesn't want the gifts in her house. Maybe she doesn't want any reminders of you.

Can I ask if the court awarded you the current level of contact you're having or is that the agreement between you and her?

I do understand where you’re coming from. I just don’t want it to adversely affect my relationship with my son, and I’d hope that would be the case for his mum too. But I can see that side of it.

the new extended contact has been agreed between myself and his mum, it’s not court ordered. But it will be eventually ordered by the court (to whatever extent) if we can’t work out a long term agreement between ourselves

Not sure that’s entirely accurate. My solicitor has dealt with other long distance cases where the other parent was awarded at least half of all the school holidays. But we shall see, his mum seems to be coming around to the idea, so I’m going to stay hopeful, thanks for your input :)

I think you need to accept you can't put the onus on the mother to facilitate your relationship with your son if you're the one who moved away. You effectively chose to move 400 miles.. irrespective of the circumstances.
It would be an entirely different kettle of fish if she was the one who moved away.
From what I can see, she's doing her utmost to facilitate your relationship without wanting to affect her emotional wellbeing.

My ex is an abuser, however if and when the time comes if he gains unsupervised contact I would do my utmost to make our daughter available within the court order. I do not want his gifts in my house and I do not want to hear his voice on face time in my home. That's my choice, but doesn't mean I wouldn't physically facilitate direct contact if I was ordered to.

You chose to move away. You could have moved your mother in with you closer to your child so there are other options to moving 400 miles away or 'sticking her in a care home', and presumably you had a job there while you were with his mother. These are all decisions you made. The courts will also be aware of your choices.

You sound like a fantastic daddy :) and your son is very lucky to have you. Not a lot of dads would put in that much effort given the situation. You seem very involved despite the distance. Definitely understandable his mummy has been a bit difficult, he's only 5 and it's a very long way from her. Hopefully it all works out. I definitely don't think your sone would resent you seeing as you are consistently seeing him and have a great relationship. I think all you can do really is keep doing what you are doing and if you are making some regular facetime/calls that would ensure lots of interaction between visits. Great you and mummy get on and are able to make these kinds of arrangements. I'm in a similar situation with my little child and his daddy unfortunately isn't very bothered. If he had a daddy like you I'd be so happy for him

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that. In all honesty I don’t have a great relationship with his mum, but we are relatively civil towards one another, things do become strained but, I am just doing my best to put the effort in so my son can grow up with a Dad he has fond memories of someone that can support him, however I can. I really appreciate the kind words, I hope one day his mum can see it that way too

I can only see this getting harder. If you truly want to be close to him, move closer. Commute midweek for your business/mother. Yes it’s hard but the distance will have an impact. I’ve seen it so
often. The kids get into football or whatever / want to see mates / have lots of homework and the weekend visits will slow down. Right now it seems do-able but from 11 onwards proximity will be so key. Your ex could be the most helpful ex in the world but it’s the kid that will start to get busier.