Long distance contact with son

[DadJ93]

Hi everyone,

I have been having long distance contact with my son for the last 3 years.

Me and his Mum are separated and we live 400 miles away from each other.

I have overnight contact with my son once a month, I have him on the first Friday of each month, over night (Friday, Saturday and Sunday)

As the case has been going through court, my ex has recently agreed to me having him stay with me where I live, during his school holidays. (I usually make the 400 mile journey and have him overnight where he lives) The first of these visits is coming up this weekend, where he will be spending an entire week with me and the rest of my family. This is a "trial run" and future extended contact will be determined by it's outcome. As his mum has been extremely difficult about allowing him to make the trip (which is understandable, as it is a very long way, so I'm grateful that she has agreed to it)

I've been reading some other posts about long distance contact, and I've seen a few people say that their child views their father more as an uncle, and less as a father (Albeit, the fathers in these situations seem to be extremely inconsistent with visits and they were very short 1 - 2 hour visits). I've been worried that my son will grow up resenting me, and this has just added fuel to that fire.

I have always been consistent with the contact I have with him, I've never let him down or skipped over visits for anything. When we are together we always have the absolute best time together and I know he loves spending time with me. I always make it as fun filled and exciting for both as us as I possibly can (Just for context, my son is 5 years old). I just want him to have good memories of me and him together.

Does anybody have any long term experience with this? I want to be able to see him more, but the circumstances make it difficult, and it's a costly journey. I know it hurts him having to wait so long between visits, and it really gets to me. I just don't want him to resent me as he grows older. We have a really close relationship, despite the distance and lapse of time.

Any words of advice would be much appreciated.

And, if you think I'm a piece of sh*t waste of space, please don't hold back :D

I think moving so far away will really count against you, perhaps not at court too much but eventually your son will not want to spend time travelling so far and want to be with his friends locally to his main residence in school holidays.

When did you split with his mother and how long after that did you move 400 miles away?

Agree with PP. It seems like you're half expecting the court to feel sorry for you and to punish the mother even though you are the one who moved..Your 400mile move will absolutely be taken into consideration and will go against you as you haven't prioritised your son by choosing to move that far away.

I'd say the mother is being more than amenable by offering extra contact. She absolutely didn't need to do that.

You've got 5 maybe 6 years of building a relationship with your son before his social commitments override his contact with you.

As kids get older they naturally want to spend more time where their friends are.. if that's all with mum then it's essentially you that will lose out.

The contact you have with him in these following years needs to be meaningful but you also need to parent him.

I really couldn't respect the father of my child if he moved away 400 miles. There's ways and means.

Your child is very young so remember that he might start to miss his mother when he is with you. Ensure you validate his feelings but then it’s okay to distract him. Don’t get in habit of dismissing his feelings because long term he will stop communicating with you when he is upset or unsure about something. You will think you have a great relationship with him but in reality it will only be a superficial relationship.
Don’t Disney dad it. Yes do fun stuff but he also needs rules and boundaries. They help him feel safe and secure.

You say you have lots of stuff in common, but don’t ignore any interests or hobbies that he likes even if you don’t. It’s important to children to be seen as who they are. I have seen my own DC have issues around this with his father.

Sometimes in court cases it becomes about winning or getting more contact and what the child actually needs gets forgotten. Old hurts get brought up again etc. Your child is so young it’s a possibility that up until now the mother who knows him and his needs best right now might of felt that he wasn’t ready for a huge increase in contact until now especially with the distance involved.

One of many mistakes my ex made was ignoring when DC wasn’t happy there. He refused to bring him home or to let him contact me. He broke the trust between them so then DC started not wanting to go.

Lastly, think about things from your child’s perspective and make your decisions from there. So maybe having the same bedtime with you as he does normally might make it feel less disruptive to him.

Can you not move closer with your mum? Surely she would love to see her grandson more regularly? I know she's your mum but you have a son, he's the bigger priority in this situation.

I'm sorry OP you sound really lovely but you should really consider moving closer to your son. No matter which way you word it, the fact remains that you moved 400 miles away.

In terms of your ex shes probably resentful that you never have to carry the day to day, you're never there to help if anythin happens at school. You're not there. At all. You don't have any normal father responsibility. I think I'd be pretty fcked off too and would very slowly lose a lot of respect.

This post is the one you should listen to.

Been doing it for 4 years now almost, it’s certainly only got easier as times gone on, I do plan on moving back eventually, it’s just going to be a very difficult transition for me, but it will happen eventually

Honestly, I don't think you have anything to worry about, you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation, it's very clear from your posts I'm sure you are making beautiful memories for your son. Shame you and ex partner have a strained relationship at times, these relationships can be hard , I really hope it gets better for you as to have a mum and dad that are kind to eachother makes such a difference to a child's life. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you. You are a good daddy!

Thank you, this is a really helpful reply.

I think your point about taking an interest in things he is interested in (even if I’m not interested in them) is a really important one.

what I will say is that I have never really been interested in marine life, or fish, or anything or the sort. But he is absolutely obsessed with sea life, so I do my best to make this a focal point of certain visits, I take him to different aquariums, take him to rock pools where we caught a loads of crabs and shrimps and I’ve also taken him to beaches where we found jellyfish and even starfish. As I said, it’s not something I’ve ever been particularly interested in, (I’m a commercial artist) but he doesn’t show any interest in art at all, even though he is really imaginative and creative in other ways.

his mum seems to think that I want him to take after me in terms of what I do, but nothing could be further from the truth, I want him to tread his own path in life. If that’s mean he ends up being shelf stacked in a supermarket, or a marine biologist. I couldn’t care a less, as long as he is happy and feels fulfilled I’m life.

but thank you for your really well thought out reply, it’s incredibly helpful, and on our next visit I will make sure I talk to him and make sure I fully understand what else he may be interested in, even if it’s something he maybe thinks I may not want to be interested in.

Also, I’d just like to add, that whenever he’s asked me about the situation (he does ask about the situation) I have always been honest with him, and never dismissed his feelings or anything he is curious about.

I have already agreed with his mum, that if he feels like he needs to go home, or he’s missing her, then I will return him as soon as possible. Because I do understand that it is a very long way for him and it is also an incredibly big step in his tiny life. I do just want what’s best for my son and I just want him to love me and see me as someone that he can trust and talk to, rather than someone that imposes themself on him,

thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it

People saying don’t expect the mother to facilitate a relationship with your son, but that’s exactly what a family court expects. Having been through it, they expect the resident parent to do what they can to encourage the relationship and make contact happen. So the attitude “well you moved so it’s on you” is wrong really.

sorry no advice op, but it’s ok to expect the mother of your child to help with keeping a relationship between you both.

I'm sorry. I actually don't agree with this one iota.

The father has chosen not to prioritise being there for his son full time by moving away, whatever the reason.. that's what he has done.

He could've made the effort to live closer, travel for his work or move his mother to be closer but has chosen not to.

He's left the mother to deal with all school pick ups, all the mental load, all the play dates and parties 5 year olds needs ferrying around to, 99% the bedtimes, 99% all the tantrums, 99% of extra curricular activities etc etc etc. She's potentially had to deal with the child feeling abandoned from having his father full time to one weekend a month.

From what OP reports, she doesn't denigrate the father or speak negatively about him. She has allowed for additional contact to take place and put the best interests of her son first.

I really don't think you can expect her to further positively facilitate this father's contact. The courts expect the resident parent to encourage contact and not to speak negatively about the non resident parent but that's all she has to do. She doesn't need to keep the bond going between the father and the child. The onus is on the OP to do that and prove that to his son. They're not best friends, they're father and son.

Moving 400 miles away would be unforgivable in some people's eyes, she's doing a lot.. OP just can't see it.

You are projecting your issues in to this poster.

He sounds really reasonable and trying hard to build a relationship with his son.

He is not your abusive ex.

It is refreshing that two adults are at least trying to do the best for their son. Many adults don't.

Hi. I was wondering how OP is getting on with the long distance relationship? Fingers crossed it is working???

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