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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I need physical touch to feel loved

40 replies

Yoyo214 · 11/10/2023 22:23

Please don’t judge. I know I’m an absolute nightmare in our relationship.
Ive been with my FH for 2.5yrs and I know he loves me but I don’t feel satisfied unless he shows me physically. If he doesn’t want sex I get mad with him and accuse him of not fancying me. I just don’t feel satisfied with words, I need to be shown physically.
is anyone else like this? Sometimes I think I need counselling.

OP posts:
Casmama · 11/10/2023 22:41

I think there are two questions. 1- why do you feel like this and 2. How the fuck so you justify that behaviour to yourself.
I'm not sure I can help with the answer to the first one- perhaps low self esteem- the root of which you could consider.
The second- there is no justification- stop it!

Casmama · 11/10/2023 22:44

Sorry I see you asked for no judgment but reverse the situation and imagine a man was treating a woman like that - it's abusive so hard not to judge

Somanycats · 11/10/2023 22:45

No,I don't think many people feel like this. Why are you trying to bully him into having sex with you? How would it sound if a man said. 'i need her to prove she loves me by having sex with me whenever I want '

RedLem0nade · 11/10/2023 22:50

I don’t want to dismiss the fact that it is wrong of you to pressurise your partner for sex, but this article may help clarify why physicality is how you communicate love, whereas it may not be for your partner. You are aware this is a problem so perhaps this may open ideas for a solution.

https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538

Everything to Know About the 5 Love Languages

Love languages describe how people like to receive and express their love. Learn more about the five love languages and how they can help improve your relationships.

https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538

BookwormDadUK · 11/10/2023 22:54

I don't think it's abusive to feel a certain way 🙄

People show and understand affection in different ways. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a brilliant book that sets out the most common options. You clearly appreciate physical touch OP, and your FH may lean more towards words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, etc.

It's a great thing to read together. When you understand each other's "love language" (corny but apt) then it's easier to recognise when he might be showing love in a different way. It's always handy when you have the same ones, but there's great advice in there for when they're different.

Original poster
Yoyo214 · 11/10/2023 22:58

At no point did I say that I bully him into having sex. I just can’t take rejection. Bit I don’t bully him 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 11/10/2023 23:00

Yoyo214 · 11/10/2023 22:58

At no point did I say that I bully him into having sex. I just can’t take rejection. Bit I don’t bully him 🤷🏻‍♀️

But you said "I get mad with him and accuse him of not fancying me".

that's a horrible way to treat him.

Butterkist8 · 11/10/2023 23:03

You are bullying him! You've said as much.

BookwormDadUK · 11/10/2023 23:08

This has escalated quickly. People of Mumsnet: not everyone who admits to being a bit unreasonable is a bully or abusive. Sometimes healthy relationships have imperfect people in them. Crikey Moses have a cuppa folks.

WafflesOrIceCream · 11/10/2023 23:08

OP are you for real???!!!Your poor man!

Casmama · 11/10/2023 23:18

BookwormDadUK · 11/10/2023 22:54

I don't think it's abusive to feel a certain way 🙄

People show and understand affection in different ways. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a brilliant book that sets out the most common options. You clearly appreciate physical touch OP, and your FH may lean more towards words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, etc.

It's a great thing to read together. When you understand each other's "love language" (corny but apt) then it's easier to recognise when he might be showing love in a different way. It's always handy when you have the same ones, but there's great advice in there for when they're different.

Absolutely- feeling a certain way is not abusive. Not sure anybody used that word in relation to OPs feelings

Whattodo112222 · 11/10/2023 23:20

You need to work on yourself before any relationship you have is successful.

FYI. Your partner has a right to say no to sex

Casmama · 11/10/2023 23:20

BookwormDadUK · 11/10/2023 23:08

This has escalated quickly. People of Mumsnet: not everyone who admits to being a bit unreasonable is a bully or abusive. Sometimes healthy relationships have imperfect people in them. Crikey Moses have a cuppa folks.

If you're happy with people getting mad at you for not wanting intimacy on demand then you do you 🤷‍♀️.
I think for most people with healthy boundaries that's unacceptable- with or without a cup of tea

TheresaOfAvila · 11/10/2023 23:21

BookwormDadUK · 11/10/2023 23:08

This has escalated quickly. People of Mumsnet: not everyone who admits to being a bit unreasonable is a bully or abusive. Sometimes healthy relationships have imperfect people in them. Crikey Moses have a cuppa folks.

True but getting mad and accusing him are… in addition to which- who the fuck would ever want to have sex again with someone who treats them like that?

ishouldprobablygettherapy · 11/10/2023 23:26

Yet again everyone is OVERREACTING. nowhere has OP said that she is bullying her partner into having sex with her. She said she doesn't feel satisfied with words and needs to be shown physically. I am assuming this means both sexually and general physical attraction. Which I completely understand. Sometimes words just don't cut it. Anyone can say you look attractive... It's a completely different thing to show someone you find them attractive.
I feel for you OP. I have had feelings similar to this before and it can be really difficult to deal with. Even if you know it is completely a you problem.
Low self esteem could be it. But what's not to say even if you were the most confident person in the world, that you wouldn't still need some sort of physical validation from a partner.
The accusations though I cannot support, purely because even if not intentional, and purely heat of the moment comment... it will damage your relationship if it carries on long term.
But I know it is hard. Please do not be disheartened by the typical mumsnetters that will attack you for this 🩷

Panaa · 11/10/2023 23:28

@ishouldprobablygettherapy
Yet again everyone is OVERREACTING. nowhere has OP said that she is bullying her partner into having sex with her. She said she doesn't feel satisfied with words and needs to be shown physically.

Did you miss this bit?

If he doesn’t want sex I get mad with him and accuse him of not fancying me.

ishouldprobablygettherapy · 11/10/2023 23:32

@Panaa I did address this part in the end portion of my comment. I think things like this can be said in the heat of the moment. And although they can be damaging if they carry on long term, it is not uncommon for some women to feel this way.
ESPECIALLY if they have been bottling up the way they feel and not addressing it correctly.
I really do think so many people on here feel holier than thou and will jump on any opportunity to call somebody an abuser or the like. Maybe it makes people feel better about themselves. I don't know.

Panaa · 11/10/2023 23:35

ishouldprobablygettherapy · 11/10/2023 23:32

@Panaa I did address this part in the end portion of my comment. I think things like this can be said in the heat of the moment. And although they can be damaging if they carry on long term, it is not uncommon for some women to feel this way.
ESPECIALLY if they have been bottling up the way they feel and not addressing it correctly.
I really do think so many people on here feel holier than thou and will jump on any opportunity to call somebody an abuser or the like. Maybe it makes people feel better about themselves. I don't know.

Fair enough if it was once off but she has a habit of it. That would amount to sexual coercion which is similar to trying to bully him into sex.

I'm like the OP and need physical touch and I simply wouldn't be with someone if I was reacting that way to them not wanting sex. It's not ok.

Screamingabdabz · 11/10/2023 23:48

I find it interesting that some women desperately want sex but not for the sex itself, just to ‘feel’ desired. To me that never seems a healthy thing to do to. It’s like going for a hair cut just to have the chat with the hairdresser!

Why does physical affection have to mean sex? Why not a hug, or a massage, or hand holding?

And if you admit that you’re “a nightmare” - then there is probably more to this than ‘not liking rejection’.

WillGT · 12/10/2023 00:02

OP we all want our needs met. I interpret your saying you get mad with him, as your sense of hurt and frustration that his actions (more indicative than words) don’t make your feel secure.

So potentially he might not desire you sufficiently, and this experience of your emotional needs not being met is a problem, as you say.

If I were you I’d lay it on the line; get to the bottom of why he doesn’t desire you as you hope / need to be desired

XenoBitch · 12/10/2023 00:20

If OP was saying her partner was acting how she was, the overwhelming majority would be telling her to LTB.

Look up the different love languages. Not everyone shows love in physical ways. It could be that your partner shows it in other ways, just not through sex.

But then, it is important for you to be compatible too.

acpk55 · 12/10/2023 00:38

Panaa · 11/10/2023 23:28

@ishouldprobablygettherapy
Yet again everyone is OVERREACTING. nowhere has OP said that she is bullying her partner into having sex with her. She said she doesn't feel satisfied with words and needs to be shown physically.

Did you miss this bit?

If he doesn’t want sex I get mad with him and accuse him of not fancying me.

100% this , just because the OP is female some posters seem to bend over backwards to forgive or ignore abuse behaviour, if a man was getting mad with his wife for not wanting sex with him , him would get slaughtered for this behaviour, in this instance he should the one LTB

If he doesn’t want sex I get mad with him and accuse him of not fancying me.

alterego2 · 12/10/2023 00:44

If I’m honest you sound like my (now ex) DH. Google ‘love languages’. It is absolutely a thing (and not a thing that makes you weird or odd) but if, as a couple, you are out of sync on this … well, there is a reason why my ex and I split up

Brokendaughter · 12/10/2023 01:16

OP, your thread title says you need physical touch to feel loved.

Is sex the only time you feel you get physically touched by your partner?

Human beings are social animals who do need touch.
That could be by being cuddled though, it doesn't have to be actual sex.
Touch deprivation is a real thing (you can google it, there are loads of articles on it)

I'm just wondering if it's the lack of human connection from any physical contact you are craving, or if it's the having sex you think you need to feel loved?

QueenBitch666 · 12/10/2023 02:03

You need to work on your self esteem