Page 2 | Why do I need physical touch to feel loved

Yoyo214 · 2023-10-11T21:23:31+00:00

Please don’t judge. I know I’m an absolute nightmare in our relationship. Ive been with my FH for 2.5yrs and I know he loves me but I don’t feel satisfied unless he shows me physically. If he doesn’t want sex I get mad with him and accuse him of not fancying me. I just don’t feel satisfied with words, I need to be shown physically. is anyone else like this? Sometimes I think I need counselling.

TheresaOfAvila · 12/10/2023 06:17

ishouldprobablygettherapy · 11/10/2023 23:32

@Panaa I did address this part in the end portion of my comment. I think things like this can be said in the heat of the moment. And although they can be damaging if they carry on long term, it is not uncommon for some women to feel this way.
ESPECIALLY if they have been bottling up the way they feel and not addressing it correctly.
I really do think so many people on here feel holier than thou and will jump on any opportunity to call somebody an abuser or the like. Maybe it makes people feel better about themselves. I don't know.

‘heat of the moment’ is completely an abusers excuse - been there, done that, never again for me.
Honestly, you’d think no-one else here had ever lived with people who cannot control themselves.

OP, if he isn’t up to scratch for you, why won’t you end the relationship and find someone who can fulfill your needs?

AgentJohnson · 12/10/2023 06:52

You want what you want but you and your partner aren’t on the same page and your emotional outbursts trying to goad him into behaving how you want, is abusive.

It sounds like you are incompatible and instead of recognising that, you’ve decided to bridge the incompatibility gap by pressuring/ manipulating him into being someone he isn’t. Where do you think this will end? Are you really ok with the cycle of “getting mad at him” and accusations in order to get your own way? Is that love? Your unmet physical wants do not trump your partners emotional wellbeing.

BookwormDadUK · 12/10/2023 07:59

Casmama · 11/10/2023 23:20

If you're happy with people getting mad at you for not wanting intimacy on demand then you do you 🤷‍♀️.
I think for most people with healthy boundaries that's unacceptable- with or without a cup of tea

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I wouldn't be happy with that, but not everything is black and white. OP may handle a specific feature of her relationship badly - which she's asking for help with - without necessarily being an abuser.

I don't know OP; maybe she abuses her FH nine times before breakfast. As a male survivor of DA, I recognise the willingness to avoid a double standard too. But maybe she's just a regular person who feels hurt by rejection and wants to learn how to take it less personally. There's no harm in giving a stranger the benefit of the doubt once in a while.

BookwormDadUK · 12/10/2023 08:08

TheresaOfAvila · 11/10/2023 23:21

True but getting mad and accusing him are… in addition to which- who the fuck would ever want to have sex again with someone who treats them like that?

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They can be abusive, but it doesn't mean they always are.

My DW felt similarly for a while when life really busy - like, slammed - and I just didn't have the energy for sex. I didn't even think about it really. She told me after a while she thought I'd gone off her a bit. Couldn't be further from the truth, but it was influenced by her past and her being aware of getting a bit older too. Now, if I'm wiped then I'm more sensitive when I decline, and I also say what I'm thinking when I find her smoking hot. Not a direct parallel with OP but there's a similarity. She doesn't feel the same now.

My wife is probably the single most amazing person to have walked the planet and I'd be gutted if she'd posted a similar question (she could have phrased it very similarly to OP) only to be ripped to shreds, called an abuser, and told to leave me.

The propensity of people here to lurch to "abuse!" and "LTB" is astounding.

itsmyp4rty · 12/10/2023 08:20

Can you not just cuddle? Why does it have to be sex? It sounds like your whole self esteem hangs on a man finding you attractive and that you think the only way that can be shown is by them constantly being desperate to have sex with you.
I agree with others that it sounds like low self esteem. I also think you're confusing love and sex. Work on you self esteem so you don't need men to validate you by wanting sex with you.

If you have a much higher sex drive than him though then maybe this just isn't the relationship for you and you need to find someone with a sex drive that matches your own. Hugely differing sex drives are a complete deal breaker for me. What you can't do is be angry with him because he's not up for sex when you want it.

CherryBlossom321 · 12/10/2023 08:30

You DO need to consider therapy OP. Have a read up on sexual coercion, and question yourself honestly. Also being in a relationship whilst you feel this way isn’t the best idea.

EmmaEmerald · 12/10/2023 10:23

BookwormDad "My wife is probably the single most amazing person to have walked the planet and I'd be gutted if she'd posted a similar question (she could have phrased it very similarly to OP) only to be ripped to shreds, called an abuser, and told to leave me. "

so your wife shouted at you, caused rows when you didn't want sex? And you're fine with that?

BookwormDadUK · 12/10/2023 10:54

EmmaEmerald · 12/10/2023 10:23

BookwormDad "My wife is probably the single most amazing person to have walked the planet and I'd be gutted if she'd posted a similar question (she could have phrased it very similarly to OP) only to be ripped to shreds, called an abuser, and told to leave me. "

so your wife shouted at you, caused rows when you didn't want sex? And you're fine with that?

OP said "I get mad with him and accuse him of not fancying me".

You can be mad without shouting and causing rows. My wife was hacked off, but went to sleep and then we spoke about it.

Panaa · 12/10/2023 10:58

@BookwormDadUK

My wife is probably the single most amazing person to have walked the planet and I'd be gutted if she'd posted a similar question (she could have phrased it very similarly to OP) only to be ripped to shreds, called an abuser, and told to leave me. "

And I wish that when my exes confided in people about their behaviour that was abusive that people had called them out on it.

BookwormDadUK · 12/10/2023 11:12

Panaa · 12/10/2023 10:58

@BookwormDadUK

My wife is probably the single most amazing person to have walked the planet and I'd be gutted if she'd posted a similar question (she could have phrased it very similarly to OP) only to be ripped to shreds, called an abuser, and told to leave me. "

And I wish that when my exes confided in people about their behaviour that was abusive that people had called them out on it.

Edited

Okay, fair. I'm sorry your ex was abusive and, yes, he should have been called out on it. It's never acceptable.

As I said before, I don't know OP and I don't know she isn't an abuser. I survived really horrible abuse myself for 3 years. But not everyone who screws up is an abuser, and I maintain it's not a conclusion that's fair to jump to.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/10/2023 11:13

It’s a basic human need. Interesting item on radio 4 only this week. Recent research proving that people who were hugged frequently during illness recovered more quickly than those with same illness who weren’t.

EmmaEmerald · 12/10/2023 11:17

BookwormDad okay, we have different interpretations of "getting mad" but even so, getting mad because someone want sex sounds awful.

Panaa · 12/10/2023 11:26

BookwormDadUK · 12/10/2023 11:12

Okay, fair. I'm sorry your ex was abusive and, yes, he should have been called out on it. It's never acceptable.

As I said before, I don't know OP and I don't know she isn't an abuser. I survived really horrible abuse myself for 3 years. But not everyone who screws up is an abuser, and I maintain it's not a conclusion that's fair to jump to.

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I guess I can see a difference between an obvious 'abuser' and someone who engages in some behaviour that can potentially be abusive.

So I think it's fine to call out abusive behaviour, but I'm not necessarily labelling the person.

For example getting mad at being rejected for sex and accusing the person of not fancying them can sometimes have the effect of a person going along with sex that they don't want etc so that could be sexual coercion.

It's important to consider the potential effects of a behaviour also when considering if the behaviour is abusive....again it's not necessarily about labelling the person, but more about labelling the behaviour.

BookwormDadUK · 12/10/2023 11:29

Panaa · 12/10/2023 11:26

I guess I can see a difference between an obvious 'abuser' and someone who engages in some behaviour that can potentially be abusive.

So I think it's fine to call out abusive behaviour, but I'm not necessarily labelling the person.

For example getting mad at being rejected for sex and accusing the person of not fancying them can sometimes have the effect of a person going along with sex that they don't want etc so that could be sexual coercion.

It's important to consider the potential effects of a behaviour also when considering if the behaviour is abusive....again it's not necessarily about labelling the person, but more about labelling the behaviour.

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Yes, I think that's exactly right. And you make a good point about calling out the impact of behaviour too.

TammyJones · 12/10/2023 11:32

EmmaEmerald · 12/10/2023 11:17

BookwormDad okay, we have different interpretations of "getting mad" but even so, getting mad because someone want sex sounds awful.

There are many threads on Mumsnet about sexless marriages.
How sad they are about it.
I bet they have got a little mad at some point.
Sex is important in a marriage
It does cause huge discontentment if one wants it more / less than the other.
It causes divorce.
One of the 3 big reasons for matrimonial disharmony- the other is money and kids.
As for dealing with anger/ being mad, there many different ways - shouting, silent treatment, punching a pillow , leaving the room, the house - we learn how to deal with anger as we grow - some healthy some not. (Anger is normal , we just need make sure we don't vent on others)
Op what you feel is normal.
So get a walk , clear your head and plan a sit down with Dh - outside of the bedroom for talk about this.
Communication is key.