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Original poster

Should dh go alone?

26 replies

crimbo2008 · 07/03/2008 13:32

I posted about this a few months ago ...here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=2724&threadid=446991#9046170

We've now received an invitation to the wedding and have said we won't be going - cost being the main factor.

But the bride-to-be has suggested that dh goes on his own, saying "there won't be many family there".

Although I'd suggested that possibility to dh originally, in retrospect, that wasn't a great idea...and I'm really not happy about him:
a) using joint holiday budget to go
b) ditto taking up joint holiday time just after Christmas, leaving me at home with dc.

Dh is quite down about it - he doesn't like upsetting people - but I can't pretend I'd be ok with it when I really wouldn't be...in fact I'd be quite pissed off at being forced to not have a holiday together.

It is causing tension in our relationship, but I think it's too much of a compromise for me to say yes to him going alone.

I think the in-laws will paint me as the bitch who's stopped dh going to his relative's wedding - even though its many thousands of miles away...they'll certainly put pressure on him which will make him more unhappy.

There will be a party at home when they return, and of course we'll go to that.

What would you do?

OP posts:

morningpaper · 07/03/2008 13:35

No of course there won't be many family there

That's WHY people get married abroad

I think they are being EXTREMELY selfish. If they WANTED family at their wedding, they should have had it in this country! But that wasn't the most important thing to them and now they need to accept the consequences of that.

donnie · 07/03/2008 13:40

ask them to pay for the flights. Seriously.

sophiewd · 07/03/2008 13:40

If they are having a party at home later in the year then there is no need for your DH to feel pressurised by relative into going.

catsmother · 07/03/2008 13:49

They are welcome to get married on the moon if they want but while it's reasonable to hope that as many family as possible would be able to make it, it's completely unreasonable to expect people to come when so much is at stake (cost, holiday time).

If you end up being painted as a bitch by the in-laws that shows they are very ignorant people. As it's a case of a family holiday this year vs one member of that family having a jolly all to himself, then if they get humpy about it they are effectively saying that DH should put his family (in the widest sense) above his family (in the immediate sense) which is an unpleasant stance to take.

I wouldn't be happy about this sort of "compromise" either. It's all very well DH saying he doesn't like upsetting people, but then it's okay apparently for you, his wife to be upset, and for the kids to miss out on a holiday with their dad this year.

It might be different if you had money to burn and loads more annual leave but you don't and that's that. Even asking them to pay for flights and accommodation wouldn't solve the annual leave problem.

skidoodle · 07/03/2008 13:50

Your in-laws won't be able to say anything about you not letting your DH go because whatever decision you two make about this, he will present it as such and not make you out to be a bossy harridan wife spoiling his fun. Right?

Expecting people to travel that far for a wedding is ridiculous. Getting married doesn't mean you get to spend other people's money or decide for them how they take their holidays.

TBH I'm quite shocked at the bride suggesting your DH go on his own. What a cheek

totally agree with morningpaper

Anna8888 · 07/03/2008 13:53

If people decide to get married abroad, then invitations should include the cost of flights, accommodation etc.

It really is outrageous to expect you to pay for this / forfeit your holidays. On principle you should refuse.

PrettyCandles · 07/03/2008 13:55

Nothing to add - everyone else has said it!

FWIW, my brother got married abroad, had the whole shebang, some 200 guests at the wedding and reception. But that was because he was living there at the time, and also a large proprotion of friends and family lived there too. But of course not everyone could come, so my parents had another massive do - minus the ceremony, of course - here in England a couple of months later. Best compromise, IMO.

Kimi · 07/03/2008 14:25

If they are going to have a reception when they get home I would wait for that, if DH going alone means no family holiday.

Original poster

crimbo2008 · 07/03/2008 14:29

Thanks...sometimes I doubt myself.

Dh won't paint me as a harridan, but he's not the most assertive person, especially with his family, and I know pressure from SIL over this will make him unhappy and stressed...which he then brings home but won't necessarily say why he's stressed.

SIL has offered to pay for him to go - but only him. And that wouldn't solve the annual leave issue anyway.

I just don't want this to cause problems for the rest of the year, and for him to be miserable over Christmas when they've all gone.

But spending thousands of our own money to avoid that is a step to far in my view.

OP posts:

Kimi · 07/03/2008 14:39

What does your DH want?
To go to the wedding alone of to have a family holiday.

I know there is no way I would give up on our family time and spend money earmarked for a family holiday just to go to a wedding

jesuswhatnext · 07/03/2008 14:53

tell the family dh can't go as you are spending all the money on a holiday for yourself!

wtf is the differance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neverenough · 07/03/2008 15:10

As I see it, it all depends on how close a relative it is. When DH's brother got married in the UK when we were living in Australia, I accepted that he would go even though we had very little money.In the end, we both went as a family member subsidised us.
If it had been a cousin or another relative I would have felt differently-but I accept that that is my family, not yours.
I think that whilst your point of view is entirely valid, if your DH is unhappy about it then you need to seek a compromise, ideally so neither of you feels he /she is having his/her own wishes ignored or overlooked-after all, your DH obviously wants to go from what you have said-correct me if I have misunderstood you.
Obviously it is not reasonable of anyone to put pressure on your immediate family to spend money on a holiday neither of you wants. But I do get a feeling that you are digging your heels in about this where a little compromise could be appropriate.

Original poster

crimbo2008 · 07/03/2008 15:53

Yes, dh does want to go.

I'm not digging my heels in - but I'd be lying if I said it's what I would want.

I don't honestly think it's reasonable to spend a chunk of our Christmas holiday apart for him to go to his niece's wedding.

It might be that he should go alone...I just don't like the thought of separate holidays...we get precious little time together as a family now.

OP posts:

MascaraOHara · 07/03/2008 15:57

it's his neice.. not even his sister FFS - tell the SIL to get a grip

TheFallenMadonna · 07/03/2008 16:00

My brother got married overseas, but he does live there, and his wife is from there, so I guess he wasn't being that unreasonable

But yes, it took our holiday budget to go, and although I wouldn't have missed my brother's wedding for the world, I would certainly miss that of a less close relative. And indeed many of our family had no choice but to miss my brother's.

Neverenough · 07/03/2008 16:01

FWIW-I would not want DH to go to a niece's wedding. I think I would sit DH down, say you would love him to go to the wedding-all of you to go-but that bottom line you cannot afford it and it would wipe out any other holiday for the year.
As a much older sister with teenage daughters-when my DDs get married, it is likely that my younger brothers will have very young families-I would love them to come -it would not be the same without them-but would not dream of putting pressure on them at the expense of their DW/DCs.
I do sympathise crimbo2008 but think the key is to allow your DH to come to the conclusion himself that it is a nonstarter-I am sure you can help him make that decision!

Original poster

crimbo2008 · 07/03/2008 16:05

Thanks - I'm not so sure I can help him make that decision himself, which is where the tension is.

We definitely do need to sit down and talk.

OP posts:

Neverenough · 07/03/2008 16:06

I do think though, as a side issue, that it is entirely someone's choice where to get married but yes-you have to accept that it will exclude some. When DH and I married, we got married in Oz as that's where my family live(and me, then!) My FIL asked if we would consider getting married in UK so his mother and MIL's parents could attend.....not unreasonable , as he also offered to pay for it, however that would have meant that my grandmother and several of my siblings wouldn't have been able to go, whereas DH's siblings were all ready and willing to go and quite a few of his friends too.DH and I agreed that it was my choice, and my parents would have been very unhappy as well about it I think.

MascaraOHara · 07/03/2008 16:08

I would say to him

"what;s more important going to your neice's wedding or goping on holiday with me and ds"

and not say anything more.

Neverenough · 07/03/2008 16:09

crimbo, if you said it was up to him and then left it at that do you think he would go knowing how you feel?
Can't think of anything else to say that might help, but please try not to let it come between you-if he does decide to go, my advice is to put it behind you and move on-that's not to say you can't trot it out as a major trump card on another occasion of course!!!

captainmummy · 07/03/2008 16:14

Why doesnt the bride-to-be concentrate on getting more immediate family to the wedding, instead of her uncle?

She needs to be told that you have different priorities. You have kids and can't drop everything and spend that sort of money on her day.

Original poster

crimbo2008 · 07/03/2008 16:28

She'd apparently like dh to give her away (according to SIL) - her parents are divorced and her dad is ill so won't be able to travel.

Personally I think it's odd that she's going all that way with her dad being ill - her fiance is from the UK too, there's no connection with the place overseas. But that's the couple's decision, I have no burning desire to be at their wedding.

Dh is also handy with a camera and she'd like him to take their photos.

OP posts:

cmotdibbler · 07/03/2008 16:29

Get Dh to write a lovely note to the bride to be saying that you are all very sorry that you won't be there at the wedding, but you are sure that they'll understand that Christmas is a special time and that you want to be together - and as finances just won't allow you to go as a familu, you'll have to decline. But you'll be really looking forward to seeing the photos, going to the party etc. Really rah rah ending, positive about the whole thing.

Any further comments from the family can then be answered with 'as I said in my letter to DN' and do the broken record thing - no arguing, no excuses, just 'we can't go - but oooh the party will be lovely'.

They chose to get married abroad - so they have to accept that not everyone will go.

captainmummy · 07/03/2008 17:03

how wierd that she's getting married abroad without her dad being able to go? Why doesn't seh do the usual thing of gtting married here and then honeymoon abroad?

No sympathy I'm afraid. It's her choice to get married far far away, so she can't demand people drop holiday plans to accomodate her.

And most people are handy with a camera now they're digital, so no excuse there.

Original poster

crimbo2008 · 07/03/2008 17:12

Great idea cmotdibbler....we haven't sent the official rsvp, but will send a letter like that when we do.

An added complication is that she's unexpectedly pg - baby due in the summer.

I do think she's bonkers to want to contemplate going so far with ds1 and a six-month-old as yet unborn child...but that's entirely her and her fiance's choice.

Other family and friends are booking flights etc so it would be a hard one to unpick later.

OP posts:

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