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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I Second Best? older couple with history

33 replies

Goldilocks3110 · 11/10/2023 12:07

I was sat next to my boyfriend of two years at a family meal for his 60th birthday. As a party of 14 we were all around the table having a lovely time. His eldest son asked him what had been some of his hi lights of the last 60 years - without hesitation he reeled off the date he got marrying his late first wife - Nothing further was said, It would have been nice if there had been a little nod to our relationship, but no just crickets and a few sympathetic looks from a few of his family members. AIBU to feel hurt and slightly humiliated by this public display of who comes first in his eyes. He says he loves me (never publicly) we both agree we dont want marriage and for the most part we’re happy. We are both 60 and I feel lucky to have met such a lovely bloke this late in life. I too have been married and have grown up children. This isn’t the first time he’s made me feel this way, but it was probably the most public. For context My boyfriend’s first wife died 15 years ago, their children were teenagers at the time. He married again a few years later and that marriage ended in divorce.

https://www.google.com/search?sca_esv=572463874&rlz=1C9BKJA_enGB853GB853&hl=en-GB&sxsrf=AM9HkKlcr3VE-S13iF9N9A6Gzd3KQr96Iw:1697018151061&q=I+was+sat+next+to+my+bf+of+two+years+at+a+family+restaurant+meal+for+his+60th+birthday.+As+a+party+of+10+we+were+all+sat+around+the+table+having+a+lovely+fun+time.+bf+opened+his+and+his+eldest+son+asked+him+what+had+been+some+of+his+hi+lights+of+the+last+60+years+-+without+hesitation+he+reeled+off+the+date+he+got+marrying+his+late+first+wife+-+Nothing+further+was+said+it+would+have+been+nice+if+meeting+me+had+been+a+little+add+on+or+any+slight+nod+to+our+relationship,+no+just+crickets+and+a+few+sympathetic+looks.+AIBU+to+feel+hurt+and+slightly+humiliated+by+this+public+dis)play+of+who+comes+first+in+his+eyes.+He+says+he+loves+me,+we+both+agree+we+dont+want+marriage+and+for+the+most+part+are+very+happy.+For+context+his+first+wife+died+15+years+ago,+their+children+were+teenagers+at+the+time.+He+married+again+a+few+years+later,+that+marriage+ended+in+divorce.%C2%A0&spell=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjL3Mig3e2BAxULSEEAHRJ0C3AQBSgAegQIBxAB&biw=1024&bih=641&dpr=2

OP posts:
bluejelly · 11/10/2023 12:15

I'm sorry that would hurt me too

bluejelly · 11/10/2023 12:16

Have you told him how you feel

Amilliondollars · 11/10/2023 12:21

That wasn’t an appropriate thing for him to say.

2jacqi · 11/10/2023 12:23

does he think you are in a friends with benefits kind of relationship????

LostThestral · 11/10/2023 12:23

that would break my heart but it was probably quite nice for the children to hear how much he thought of their mum

Janieforever · 11/10/2023 12:25

Why is there a link to a google search?

and I assume he did this as his son asked and it was their mother and she’s passed.

WimpoleHat · 11/10/2023 12:25

That was an answer for his son, if you see what I mean / he probably didn’t think how you would feel listening to it. Tell him how it made you feel; you’re certainly not unreasonable to feel hurt by it.

Whattodo112222 · 11/10/2023 12:27

I can understand why you're hurt at that comment. I would tell him.

Cumbrianlife · 11/10/2023 12:37

We're you divorced or widowed? The fact is if she hadn't died they'd still be together and it was their son who asked. If he hadn't met you and he hadn't answered that way it would be strange.
It wasn't very tactful but if most are honest, a two year relationship doesn't stack up against that.

Goldilocks3110 · 11/10/2023 13:08

Yes but not for a while after, he did apologise but it still lingers as like I said in the original post there have been other comments incidences

OP posts:
Goldilocks3110 · 11/10/2023 13:09

I’m divorced which I know is an entirely different thing to what he suffered

OP posts:
Goldilocks3110 · 11/10/2023 13:10

Not sure why the link sorry, and yes it was his son that asked

OP posts:
Goldilocks3110 · 11/10/2023 13:11

Yes eventually I told him, if I’d have said straight away I would have cried

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/10/2023 13:12

I think he said that mostly for the benefit of his children.

Goldilocks3110 · 11/10/2023 13:13

Perhaps he does, although he says he loves me, he takes me out we go on holidays etc

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 11/10/2023 13:14

That is hurtful. He should be feeling incredibly lucky that he has met you, and is getting a second chance at love. He might not want to say that to his son, of course, but still ...

These kinds of little comments seem to happen in relationships with widowers, and can make you feel a bit like you're just some kind of runner up, and second best. Wondering if you're only there as he wants company and sex. He needs, if he cares about you, to make sure you don't feel like this. Hold in your mind that he is LUCKY to have met you!

Goldilocks3110 · 11/10/2023 13:14

I do agree and it that case it was lovely of him to still honour their mum like that, but my friends and family were there too.

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 11/10/2023 13:19

The fact is if she hadn't died they'd still be together
If you can't comprehend that then maybe this relationship isn't for you?
My widowed (at 48) friend gave up on dating non-widowers as she said they felt threatened by the great love she shared with her dead husband. She is now engaged to a man whose wife died and they can happily discuss the past and their future together.

OhComeOnFFS · 11/10/2023 13:22

That's a really odd thing for him to say, really. He could have said something about the days his children were born instead, which wouldn't have hurt you.

Whatkindoffeather · 11/10/2023 15:29

At 60 everyone has some relationship baggage & family history

He should have thanked everyone for attending his 60th celebrations

Only you will know if you can continue with this relationship

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 11/10/2023 15:36

At my DH's big birthday recently he mentioned his first wife in a similar way, but he also mentioned me (and his children, his work successes and his only ever hole in one) at an appropriate point in the highlights timeline.

There should never be an expectation that a widower forget the past - that would be cruel and utterly unrealistic.

However, if you're in a happy relationship then it should be acknowledged appropriately as well.

Millybob · 11/10/2023 15:44

And if you were asked the same question - would you count him as one of the highlights of your life, or a pleasant addition that you weren't expecting?

PointlessAddiction · 11/10/2023 16:51

I think Cumbrian has it right. I dont know how long they’d been married when she died, but losing someone with whom youve had kids and a long relationship is awful. When you meet someone when you’re older, and both have history, then you have to accept there will be parts of their pasts that are at least equal to what you have….and as pp have said, it was an answer to his son.
Thats not to say that I wouldn’t have felt the way you did…but I think I could get my head round it. He loves you, you know this. Life is short…I’d try my best to focus on that.

NotNowGertrude · 11/10/2023 23:12

He was speaking his truth as he sees it

Somanycats · 11/10/2023 23:22

After a two year (only) relationship with a man you describe as a boyfriend, not even a partner, can you honestly think the relationship you two have is going to compare with the much longer one he had with the mother of his children?