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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cried myself to sleep last night

35 replies

Thedramalama · 11/10/2023 09:15

having found yet another message from DH to a young woman he works with.

This woman (or rather his infatuation with her) was the reason for us almost splitting two months ago after I found out from a friend that he was sending her flirtatious messages whilst he and I were at home together on holiday. When I confronted him at the time, he confessed (ashen-faced) they had been messaging but he had miraculously deleted them all…

I checked his phone last night (I know, it’s an invasion of privacy, I get that). I found he had been continuing to message her, referring to her directly as ‘Miss [surname]’, asking if she had a relaxing weekend, asking how her studying was going etc. so nothing work related, just pointless chit chat.

Whilst it seems innocuous, it sickened me to my stomach that he is continuing to pursue her despite knowing his behaviour with her almost finished us.

A bit of background, we’ve been together 19 years, mostly happy. He is a senior manager and does have form for this with young girls at previous workplaces (eg being a bit too friendly, unsure if anything physical has happened but I suspect it might have when I link behaviour patterns).

To add to this, our child is just about to go through her GCSE year. So I’m desperately trying not to create any kind of situation that could adversely affect her, eg divorce, as she is a sensitive soul.

I don’t know what I’m asking for really. Just some advice. I’m fed up, feel trapped and at my lowest confidence level I think I’ve ever been at.

Thank you if you got this far…

OP posts:
Nelly10 · 11/10/2023 09:24

He won’t change op. Up to you if you accept the behaviour. My stxh was the same, I didn’t want to accept who he was and I was so filled with anxiety each and everyday it’s no way to live. I have two dc’s too but at the end of the day your life is worth something too, do you really want to live like this?

FrenchandSaunders · 11/10/2023 09:27

Grim, how young is she? Presumably he's in his 40s? Also her manager!

And you have a 16 year old DD.

FrenchandSaunders · 11/10/2023 09:28

You can't put up with this for another year or two because of your DD, she'll cope if you split.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/10/2023 09:34

What a pathetic sleaze. I would be absolutely launching him out the door.

PurpleMonkeys · 11/10/2023 09:34

The first time you found out and forgave him, that let him know that you'll always forgive him.

Don't stay for your child, that's setting her bad examples for the future. Would you want her to stay with a man who treats her this way? I doubt it..

Original poster
Thedramalama · 11/10/2023 09:40

Thank you all, I’m in tears reading your messages as I know you’re right. I love him so have always forgiven, but not forgotten, and so it’s just wearing me down.

Yes the girl is in her 20s - I’m in my 30s, he is in his 40s.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 11/10/2023 09:49

He has form with young girls at precious workplaces? What do you mean? Is it as creepy as it seems?

So he's messaging this young girl again. It's really creepy and an abuse of power.

I think you should end it. It's never going to improve and you will always be wondering what he messaging next.

SafferUpNorth · 11/10/2023 09:50

OP, life's too short to put up with this.

Calmly ask him to leave. He'll probably be expecting it.

PurpleMonkeys · 11/10/2023 10:02

I love him

Why?

Because he likes young girls?
Because he betrays your trust?
Because he lies to your face every single day?

What on earth could you love about such a person? And why does your love allow him to treat you so badly?

Original poster
Thedramalama · 11/10/2023 10:03

Yes. It’s the abuse of power that has always been an issue. He could technically lose his marriage and his job all for the same reason.

It’s worth mentioning that this is exactly how we met, I was his subordinate (18 at the time). So I’m feeling like it’s pretty much my fault for not seeing this behaviour pattern. I feel quite foolish,

OP posts:
PurpleMonkeys · 11/10/2023 10:47

It isn't your fault at all OP.

Don't ever blame yourself for the choices he is making.
But it is time you made some choices. You need to think of you.
I am not you, only you can decide what is best for you.

You've handed many many years to this person and had little but disrespect and lies in return.
You could look at material possessions and think maybe it was worth it.. that's up to you, but just how much more of you're life are you going to mortgage for him? 5 years? 10? 20?
Seems a waste to me.

Original poster
Thedramalama · 11/10/2023 10:52

Thank you PurpleMonkeys I know you’re right. I feel better having spoken about it this morning. Your comments have made me feel much calmer.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 11/10/2023 11:30

What is the age difference between you? How old was he when you were 18?
None of this is your fault OP.

Original poster
Thedramalama · 11/10/2023 13:02

He was 25 and my manager when I was 18.

Yes he is this girl’s manager. I should make it clear that I don’t have any issue (as far as I know) with her. Her responses have been playful but quite professional.

Im just fed up of the same old thing. It recurs every 4 years or so…some behaviour changes from him that include secrecy, over-the-top surveillance and attention towards me (which I have since learnt is probably him projecting his own behaviour).

This then leads me to dig deeper and I inevitably find messages, rumours etc followed by confrontation and him declaring his undying love bla bla….I’m just so tired and sick of it. I’m 36 and just fed up of this ridiculous game of worrying, anxiety, checking up on him and eventual heartbreak…I’m getting too old for this

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 11/10/2023 13:07

Eurgh what a sleaze. I hope she reports him for harassment, he deserves to lose his job and his marriage.

So sorry OP. It's not your fault, you can't have known it was a pattern back then. You do now though, and you can break free from it and leave him to live his life as a gross letch all alone as he deserves to.

Your daughter will be ok. In fact, she'll learn that her mother is strong and that its good to walk away from disrespectful idiots like your husband.

Original poster
Thedramalama · 11/10/2023 13:34

Thank you @VeridicalVagabond that’s a lovely way to think of it, I definitely have some thinking to do

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 11/10/2023 13:35

Thedramalama · 11/10/2023 10:03

Yes. It’s the abuse of power that has always been an issue. He could technically lose his marriage and his job all for the same reason.

It’s worth mentioning that this is exactly how we met, I was his subordinate (18 at the time). So I’m feeling like it’s pretty much my fault for not seeing this behaviour pattern. I feel quite foolish,

Please do not blame yourself. You were so young when he abused his position with you. I agree that you need to end things with him. I know its hard with children (my son is about to go through his GCSEs too) but you can't continue living with a man who has no respect for you.

rainbowstardrops · 11/10/2023 13:47

Eurghhh what a horrible letch! So he's basically old enough to be her dad and yet he's still creeping after her and he's done this sort of thing before!
You gave him a chance last time and he's blown it. I wouldn't be able to trust him or want to be with him again.

Original poster
Thedramalama · 12/10/2023 07:36

I realise our relationship is toxic, but I do worry about the prospect of divorcing him. He is quite controlling of me, he insists on having ‘find my’ switched on for our iPhones (the app that lets you see where your family members are at all times). I switched my location off yesterday and he rang me within minutes to ask me why I had switched it off 😳he then continued to mention it last night…I still have it switched off, that’s one bit of control I’m taking back. I am going to slowly and discreetly start to take my life back.

OP posts:
Nothankyou22 · 12/10/2023 07:41

You forgave him and he continued anyway, probably more sneakily this time, get rid of him. When my parents were unhappy the divorce didn’t come as a surprise infact it was a relief because the tension was felt long before they split.
As for the control I left a controlling, abusive marriage and his control towards you is because he’s out doing dirty.

PurpleMonkeys · 12/10/2023 08:51

You got this OP.

Slow and steady if thats what you need to keep yourself self etc.
Find a couple of people in real life if you can and start building relationships with them, reach out to your family if you feel he's pulled you away from them. If you can find someone to confide in, someone you trust, maybe they can help stash a few things away for you or give a place to stay should the time come.

You got this. You've had the strength to tolerate it for a long time. Just imagine a life where you can breathe easily and love freely.

And for tips and advice about leaving, name change so there's no trail to put together, start a new thread on here. 😁

Daffodil18 · 12/10/2023 08:58

I think you need to address this with him. Get your ducks in a row and let him know once DCs GCSEs are over then so are you. I think it’s 7 months for your DC to finish her GCSEs so yes I would stay too, especially as she’s very sensitive. He’s clearly never going to change and has no respect for you.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 12/10/2023 09:29

I think giving yourself a deadline (ie post GCSE) is a great idea. Meanwhile get your ducks in a row. In particular, protect yourself financially as much as possible - you know one day he'll target the wrong young woman and that will be the end of his career. The older he gets, the more likely this is - they don't put up with old letches the way our generations did.

Lupin61 · 12/10/2023 09:37

He probably wants your find my thing turned on at all times so he knows when it’s safe to be cheating. My ex was the same.

Original poster
Thedramalama · 12/10/2023 09:37

Thank you all so much. It’s been so helpful to hear from you all and realise I’m not alone. I’ve got a vague plan now (which is more than I had previously!) - there’s some debt that I want to pay off, I want to take some legal advice, ensure my dd gets through her GCSEs and then, hopefully by next year I will be in a position to file for divorce. The thought of divorce terrifies me, but I can’t keep playing this game. As you say, I just need to start building bridges with family and friends so that I have a support network.

We live in a big house now but I don’t even care about losing it. I would much rather live alone in a smaller home with half the income than living what is essentially a lie.

OP posts:
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