Cried myself to sleep last night

[Thedramalama]

having found yet another message from DH to a young woman he works with.

This woman (or rather his infatuation with her) was the reason for us almost splitting two months ago after I found out from a friend that he was sending her flirtatious messages whilst he and I were at home together on holiday. When I confronted him at the time, he confessed (ashen-faced) they had been messaging but he had miraculously deleted them all…

I checked his phone last night (I know, it’s an invasion of privacy, I get that). I found he had been continuing to message her, referring to her directly as ‘Miss [surname]’, asking if she had a relaxing weekend, asking how her studying was going etc. so nothing work related, just pointless chit chat.

Whilst it seems innocuous, it sickened me to my stomach that he is continuing to pursue her despite knowing his behaviour with her almost finished us.

A bit of background, we’ve been together 19 years, mostly happy. He is a senior manager and does have form for this with young girls at previous workplaces (eg being a bit too friendly, unsure if anything physical has happened but I suspect it might have when I link behaviour patterns).

To add to this, our child is just about to go through her GCSE year. So I’m desperately trying not to create any kind of situation that could adversely affect her, eg divorce, as she is a sensitive soul.

I don’t know what I’m asking for really. Just some advice. I’m fed up, feel trapped and at my lowest confidence level I think I’ve ever been at.

Thank you if you got this far…

I wouldn't be surprised

OK, so you have wasted 2 months. And been living with the worry since.
Time to cut your losses op. Life will go on.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. It’s sounds like he’s not going to change which makes it seem like there’s not much chance of a long term future. I can understand why you’re worried about not disrupting your daughter. I was in a similar position around time of SATS. We agreed to split but not until after exams. Making the decision helped my mental health massively knowing there was light at the end of the tunnel - and gave me time to process before we told the kids and family 6 months later.

The thing is at the minute it's just messages, but probably only because the young girls at work won't take him on.

Given half the chance, I'd bet he would start an affair or at least cross even more boundaries.

I really would start getting my affairs in order to leave him if I were you. These aren't the actions of a faithful partner at all

Well done op.

This man is a disgusting creep who preys on young vulnerable female employees because he thinks it is ok and gets a sexual satisfaction from it.

He may well find himself being sacked for sexual harassment or worse.

It’s hard to know but depending on the profession girls may think he will harm their career if they speak up or they may even think he will help their career if they keep quiet. Either way it doesn’t look promising for your marriage

You seem lovely and I guarantee there’s a whole new life waiting for you

He’s going to remarry a 20yr old; he’s pathetic - you need to leave him for your own self respect

Hes done it once, now he's done it again... he'll carry on doing it until you find your self respect and leave. He doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage.

Why wait till next yr? Why not leave him before Xmas, start the new year with a new life?

Your H is a creep! You and your DD will be better of without him. Your DD is bound to know that there is tension in the house and that things are not right. I'd tell your H to leave for good and explain it to your DD. It is better to do it now at the start of the year than for things to fall apart later nearer her exams.

What will you do if his behaviour gets worse though? What if you find real evidence of cheating? I think trying to time a split isn't always a great idea, you don't know what will happen between now and exam time that could make that timing even worse.

And don't discount your own misery, for me the uncertainty and cheating tipped me over the edge, i was barely sleeping and not really functioning well as a person until the day i got the evidence that meant i was free to kick him out. That night i slept like a baby, the peace was indescribable.