Before I give context, I want to say that I completely know that I am the problem and need help. Hence the post, as ultimately I need direction.
I suffer hugely with low self esteem and relationship anxiety.
I have been with my partner for 5 years. We live 1hr 30 mins apart, he has two children and I have one. We plan to buy a house together when all of our children have left school (two years left). This was instigated by me, as my child has SEN and felt it important to hold out.
In every relationship I have had anxiety, but with my current partner, he has been the first decent man I have been with. We don't argue, he is kind and understanding etc. He has never previously given me any reason to distrust him, and yet over the whole relationship, I have constantly looked for 'evidence' that he has been unfaithful.
In the early days when I'd tell him my worries, he'd never shut me down, but would reassure me. However, I was conscious that I'd sabotage the relationship in the end (past experiences with exes). So I have internalised my worries the past few years.
This leads me to detach emotionally from him sometimes I guess a protective mechanism? But whenever he asks me what's wrong, I will make up an excuse and then I force myself to bury my worries incase I push him away.
The latest obsessional worry is that he now takes his daughters to a marshal arts class that is directly opposite his exes house.
He once loved her, they were going to get married and she broke it off. He has never spoken badly of her, but equally never mentioned anything unless I asked.
He chose this class as where he lives there are very limited places that offer the times he can do. So I understood that.
My anxiety has spiked for a couple of reasons. Firstly, he has lost weight- we both have tbh, and it was a journey we chose to go on together. Secondly, and it's embarrassing to admit, but obviously I know it's pathetic on my side - I've checked her social media, and she is now after 3 years, single. Both these things have made me irrationally obsessed that something will happen between them.
I have even checked both my partner and his exes LinkedIn account (I have done this sporadically throughout my relationship when I've had a wobble) and for the first time, it shows that both of them have viewed each others profile (I don't know when as it's been months since I checked last) I'm assuming I'm right as it shows up in the 'people have also viewed' list.
This is the first time I have found any sort of confirmation of connection and my anxiety and jealousy has gone into a spin.
The hypocrisy in it all, is I too look up my exes on social media. I do it out of curiosity and have zero feelings for them. So why can't I believe that to be true with my partner?
I haven't asked him, or mentioned any of this through fear of revealing what an immature mess I am. Plus I assume he may deny viewing her.
The worse part is, I am reasonably attractive, have a great career as a solicitor, have a lovely family, child, and friends, so why am I constantly acting like a jealous teenager? Comparing myself, not feeling enough, creating endless scenarios in my head of my partner cheating!
This is one example of many, but to date the most 'real' feeling of worry.
I love him, but I know I'd equally survive without him. I dont feel needy, but I think the issue about this is more that I would feel I was never good enough - like confirming my inner fear.
I know no-one can tell me if he is up to no good. I think it's possible. But the main thing I need help with is how to work on myself and my self esteem. I can't afford therapy at the moment as despite a well paid job, the cost of living is crippling me.
Are there any books, tips etc to help me?
I'm a bit of an emotional wreak, heightened by menopause.
Thank you in advance.