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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need help as getting out of control

49 replies

seekinginnerpeace · 10/10/2023 19:27

Before I give context, I want to say that I completely know that I am the problem and need help. Hence the post, as ultimately I need direction.

I suffer hugely with low self esteem and relationship anxiety.

I have been with my partner for 5 years. We live 1hr 30 mins apart, he has two children and I have one. We plan to buy a house together when all of our children have left school (two years left). This was instigated by me, as my child has SEN and felt it important to hold out.

In every relationship I have had anxiety, but with my current partner, he has been the first decent man I have been with. We don't argue, he is kind and understanding etc. He has never previously given me any reason to distrust him, and yet over the whole relationship, I have constantly looked for 'evidence' that he has been unfaithful.

In the early days when I'd tell him my worries, he'd never shut me down, but would reassure me. However, I was conscious that I'd sabotage the relationship in the end (past experiences with exes). So I have internalised my worries the past few years.

This leads me to detach emotionally from him sometimes I guess a protective mechanism? But whenever he asks me what's wrong, I will make up an excuse and then I force myself to bury my worries incase I push him away.

The latest obsessional worry is that he now takes his daughters to a marshal arts class that is directly opposite his exes house.

He once loved her, they were going to get married and she broke it off. He has never spoken badly of her, but equally never mentioned anything unless I asked.

He chose this class as where he lives there are very limited places that offer the times he can do. So I understood that.

My anxiety has spiked for a couple of reasons. Firstly, he has lost weight- we both have tbh, and it was a journey we chose to go on together. Secondly, and it's embarrassing to admit, but obviously I know it's pathetic on my side - I've checked her social media, and she is now after 3 years, single. Both these things have made me irrationally obsessed that something will happen between them.

I have even checked both my partner and his exes LinkedIn account (I have done this sporadically throughout my relationship when I've had a wobble) and for the first time, it shows that both of them have viewed each others profile (I don't know when as it's been months since I checked last) I'm assuming I'm right as it shows up in the 'people have also viewed' list.

This is the first time I have found any sort of confirmation of connection and my anxiety and jealousy has gone into a spin.

The hypocrisy in it all, is I too look up my exes on social media. I do it out of curiosity and have zero feelings for them. So why can't I believe that to be true with my partner?

I haven't asked him, or mentioned any of this through fear of revealing what an immature mess I am. Plus I assume he may deny viewing her.

The worse part is, I am reasonably attractive, have a great career as a solicitor, have a lovely family, child, and friends, so why am I constantly acting like a jealous teenager? Comparing myself, not feeling enough, creating endless scenarios in my head of my partner cheating!

This is one example of many, but to date the most 'real' feeling of worry.

I love him, but I know I'd equally survive without him. I dont feel needy, but I think the issue about this is more that I would feel I was never good enough - like confirming my inner fear.

I know no-one can tell me if he is up to no good. I think it's possible. But the main thing I need help with is how to work on myself and my self esteem. I can't afford therapy at the moment as despite a well paid job, the cost of living is crippling me.

Are there any books, tips etc to help me?

I'm a bit of an emotional wreak, heightened by menopause.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 10/10/2023 23:58

Coffeeandanap · 10/10/2023 21:39

Not the point of your post but I wanted to clarify that I don’t think LinkedIn does show you that he viewed his ex’s profile.
I think only the person who’s profile it is can see who they’ve viewed.
What you described, people have also viewed, is showing you who other people have viewed, as in other people have looked at both his and his ex’s profile. Does that make sense?
For instance, if I look at someone on LinkedIn it will recommend other profiles that have a similar name or work in the same industry, it doesn’t mean the person I was originally looking at has looked at them, only that I might want to.

Really? That's reassuring (temporarily of course!)

But I don't understand fully. So I've obviously checked the both out previously (on an anonymous account 🙄) and this time I checked them both out on a whole new anonymous account. I'm not connection's with either of them. And my partner has very few connections on there, all of whom are in a similar field of work to him. So none of his connections would have reason to check her out or vice versa if you see what I mean? There's no clear link to them both.

She is the only one that sticks out like a sore thumb on that list.

Gosh I sound pathetic, I know!

OP posts:
Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 00:00

Janieforever · 10/10/2023 21:46

LinkedIn doesn’t show he’s viewed their profile.

id urge you to speak to your doctor. You don’t need to go private and if you’ve no money then doing nothing isn’t an option. Mental health is as important as physical health and if you’re not well and struggling as you are, then make an appt.

Thank you. I'm actually considering prioritising it. Reading my posts back makes me realise how unhinged I actually am.

OP posts:
Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 00:11

PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/10/2023 21:56

I think you have an attachment disorder it might help to look into this. This all sounds very hard, is moving in together with all this going on the best idea. Please get help, you can overcome this. I'd also look into medication to stabilise your moods of thinking and ruminating.

I've had a look at some of the links and recommendations from posters, and I think you're right. I did an online quiz and it suggests an anxious attachment- not surprising.

Moving in is a couple of years off. I always think when we live together I'll be less anxious, but I think it's pretty obvious that won't be the case. I have time to work on myself hence me trying to hide my craziness from him in hope I'll make it through the other side without leaving him or him me.

I frequently feel close to ending things with him as I feel like I'll sleep better not worrying about what he may be up to. The weird thing is, after looking at attachment theory, I'd say he is has a secure attachment . He has never once accused me of anything, shown jealousy etc. He has always encouraged my independence, supported my work, made time for me, embraces my family etc. He is an optimistic person.

I'm wondering if the lack of jealousy on his part makes me feel he doesn't care? Past partners were always jealous and as messed up as it sounds, I always took that as a sign they cared. How ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 00:14

Jonti23 · 10/10/2023 22:26

Abandonment is a serious issue for some folks too. That stems out of unhealthy attachments and they perceive every action to be an act of abandonment.

I think you're right. Thank you for replying.

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 11/10/2023 00:17

4417C · 10/10/2023 21:04

  1. She broke it off.
  2. He was, and will remember having been, rejected by her.
  3. She’s available and nothing’s happened. He’s still with you.
  4. He’s honestly chosen a venue opposite her house for an entirely valid reason. He’s not a teenager, hanging round to get her attention. Presumably he co-parents with her so sees her anyway.
  5. You're attractive. Delete the ‘reasonably’ in your head.
  6. It’s not unusual to check on exes. It’s being nosy, not interested. They’ve done it and so have you. That worry is therefore cancelled.
  7. Most people have self doubts. You’re not unique or weak. Learn to hide it, put it to the back of your mind.
  8. If you believe in yourself, have confidence, he won’t be able to resist you. Practise this.
  9. He’s moved on TO YOU.
  10. If you’re not good enough, why is he with you? Because you are good enough is the answer!

This is damn good advice and perhaps I can add a couple of things

No one likes to have to feel like they are treading on eggshells around their partner - if you are always looking for evidence he is being unfaithful he'll pick up on this eventually and orobably end up walking

I would genuinely speak to someone about this - in your favour you've recognised a problem and offered no concrete evidence that anything untoward is going on. On the contrary seems he has been reassuring and I didn't see anything for genuine concern in your posts

Wish you well but you need to get this out of your head if you want to make a success of this

Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 00:19

Absolutelymassesofcourgettes · 10/10/2023 22:55

I'm glad attachment issues have been mentioned already, I think this is very much where you should start OP in trying to explore why you feel as you do.

What do you mean by an unconventional childhood?

Thank you. It seems very likely. I'm already reading up on this.

If I'm honest, I can't really say without outing myself. Unconventional set up, but nothing weird or freaky. Was loved by both parents, but they had their issues. My dad worked away a lot too.

As a child I was always shy, not popular but not bullied, was never picked for things, wasn't good at sports etc. I always felt like an outsider. I did well academically, but it didn't come easy.

OP posts:
Natty13 · 11/10/2023 00:20

Does your work have an employee assistance programme (EAP)? Many of my friends have been surprised that their small companies had them and have accessed therapy through this method.

I hope you can find some peace, this sounds very stressful and miserable.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/10/2023 00:21

I think you could talk to him about it. Not as an accusation, but in a way which shares your fears and opens up about things you struggle with.

Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 00:24

4417C · 10/10/2023 21:04

  1. She broke it off.
  2. He was, and will remember having been, rejected by her.
  3. She’s available and nothing’s happened. He’s still with you.
  4. He’s honestly chosen a venue opposite her house for an entirely valid reason. He’s not a teenager, hanging round to get her attention. Presumably he co-parents with her so sees her anyway.
  5. You're attractive. Delete the ‘reasonably’ in your head.
  6. It’s not unusual to check on exes. It’s being nosy, not interested. They’ve done it and so have you. That worry is therefore cancelled.
  7. Most people have self doubts. You’re not unique or weak. Learn to hide it, put it to the back of your mind.
  8. If you believe in yourself, have confidence, he won’t be able to resist you. Practise this.
  9. He’s moved on TO YOU.
  10. If you’re not good enough, why is he with you? Because you are good enough is the answer!

Thank you! I missed this reply earlier. I shall keep reading it and let it sink in!

I will say though that his ex I'm referring to is not the mother of his daughters. But I appreciate that your point is still valid. Thank you again.

OP posts:
Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 00:29

ManAboutTown · 11/10/2023 00:17

This is damn good advice and perhaps I can add a couple of things

No one likes to have to feel like they are treading on eggshells around their partner - if you are always looking for evidence he is being unfaithful he'll pick up on this eventually and orobably end up walking

I would genuinely speak to someone about this - in your favour you've recognised a problem and offered no concrete evidence that anything untoward is going on. On the contrary seems he has been reassuring and I didn't see anything for genuine concern in your posts

Wish you well but you need to get this out of your head if you want to make a success of this

Show quote history

Thanks so much. I agree. Great advice.

Whenever he notices me pulling away, I blame being menopausal. Which makes me feel guilty as he is so supportive about it. I appreciate I'm on borrowed time though, and if I don't sort myself out then he'll possibly feel pushed away.

OP posts:
Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 00:32

Natty13 · 11/10/2023 00:20

Does your work have an employee assistance programme (EAP)? Many of my friends have been surprised that their small companies had them and have accessed therapy through this method.

I hope you can find some peace, this sounds very stressful and miserable.

I can access therapy through work, but am terrified of letting on to others that I have issues. I am great at pretending to be OK at work. Thank you though.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 11/10/2023 01:01

Everyone has got issues! I'd say, in my circle of friends and family, around two thirds to three quarters have had some form of therapy. That I know of...

Hibernatalie · 11/10/2023 05:56

I think you should see your GP about your anxiety. You can get on the waiting list for therapy on the NHS - it'll be worth the wait. HRT should also help and maybe even anti anxiety medication like an SSRI. Hormones do this to people - I think that's the first port of call. Good luck!

Poppercorn · 11/10/2023 06:13

So I've obviously checked the both out previously (on an anonymous account 🙄) and this time I checked them both out on a whole new anonymous account. I'm not connection's with either of them. And my partner has very few connections on there, all of whom are in a similar field of work to him. So none of his connections would have reason to check her out or vice versa if you see what I mean? There's no clear link to them both.

You've answered this yourself. You've viewed their profiles on anonymous accounts. So you're the link.

So LinkedIn is saying 'other people also viewed' and the 'other people' is you, on your anonymous account. You don't need to be a connection, just viewing them is enough.

Breakingpoint1961 · 11/10/2023 06:34

OP you are so articulate, so insightful. You have commented on almost every piece of advice, you seem such a lovely person, it is a shame you cannot see that in yourself.

I am watching this thread with interest, as I suffer with most of what you say, though I have no advice as I am still wading through my thoughts.

You have been given some wonderful advice/information etc, I hope it is helpful to you, and allows you that peace and safety in your head that you can continue an healthy relationship with your partner.

I wish you all the best..

MissSmiley · 11/10/2023 07:59

Anxiety can be a big peri menopause symptom, you mentioned considering HRT, mine completely went away with the first patch, GP obviously offered antidepressants first but it wasn't that at all just hormones

Absolutelymassesofcourgettes · 11/10/2023 10:11

Attachment issues (as you'll know from your initial reading!) have their roots in your relationship with your primary caregivers. So whatever your unconventional setup was - and you mention also your parents "had issues" - your very early childhood experiences with respect to your parents will be at the root of what is fundamentally a fear of abandonment.

Please don't dismiss accessing therapy via your work medical benefits. It should be completely confidential and your work shouldn't even be able to find out you are using it. Read the small print and see what it says about confidentiality.

Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 12:34

PaminaMozart · 11/10/2023 01:01

Everyone has got issues! I'd say, in my circle of friends and family, around two thirds to three quarters have had some form of therapy. That I know of...

I guess it is common. I don't really tell anyone in real life how I feel through fear of being judged!

OP posts:
Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 12:35

Hibernatalie · 11/10/2023 05:56

I think you should see your GP about your anxiety. You can get on the waiting list for therapy on the NHS - it'll be worth the wait. HRT should also help and maybe even anti anxiety medication like an SSRI. Hormones do this to people - I think that's the first port of call. Good luck!

Thanks so much. The waiting list here is horrendous. I guess I could do it anyway and in the mean time try other forms of self help while I wait.

OP posts:
Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 12:36

Poppercorn · 11/10/2023 06:13

So I've obviously checked the both out previously (on an anonymous account 🙄) and this time I checked them both out on a whole new anonymous account. I'm not connection's with either of them. And my partner has very few connections on there, all of whom are in a similar field of work to him. So none of his connections would have reason to check her out or vice versa if you see what I mean? There's no clear link to them both.

You've answered this yourself. You've viewed their profiles on anonymous accounts. So you're the link.

So LinkedIn is saying 'other people also viewed' and the 'other people' is you, on your anonymous account. You don't need to be a connection, just viewing them is enough.

Edited

Oh! I didn't realise others could mean me. Thank you for explaining.

OP posts:
Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 12:44

Breakingpoint1961 · 11/10/2023 06:34

OP you are so articulate, so insightful. You have commented on almost every piece of advice, you seem such a lovely person, it is a shame you cannot see that in yourself.

I am watching this thread with interest, as I suffer with most of what you say, though I have no advice as I am still wading through my thoughts.

You have been given some wonderful advice/information etc, I hope it is helpful to you, and allows you that peace and safety in your head that you can continue an healthy relationship with your partner.

I wish you all the best..

Thank you so much for such a lovely reply. I honestly appreciate it as I was quite scared to post since I'd be revealing my erratic thoughts, which the sensible side of me knows sounds absurd and crazy. It means a lot 😊.

I don't feel lovely unfortunately. I feel like I need to act, look and be a different way to feel enough. I hate that I can't believe my partner means what he says when he tells me it's the happiest he's been, and I further hate that at my age and stage of life, my inner thoughts feel so adolescent and self absorbed. No one I work with or for would ever believe what goes on inside my mind, as I am a pro at putting on a front when needed.

I really hope that you find some peace also and hopefully this thread will help you too.

Take care and thank you again!

OP posts:
Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 12:51

MissSmiley · 11/10/2023 07:59

Anxiety can be a big peri menopause symptom, you mentioned considering HRT, mine completely went away with the first patch, GP obviously offered antidepressants first but it wasn't that at all just hormones

Thank you so much. I definitely think it has heightened my feelings as this is possibly the most intense I've felt.

I have already made an appointment with my GP to discuss HRT, but it won't be for a couple of weeks yet.

It's typical that as soon as a few people here mentioned that the LinkedIn concerns I had was incorrect, that I felt a temporary ease. However I woke up this morning thinking other ways I may have missed in how they might be communicating. I really don't know why I do this to myself, but guess this is what my journey into helping myself is all about.

OP posts:
Original poster
seekinginnerpeace · 11/10/2023 12:54

Absolutelymassesofcourgettes · 11/10/2023 10:11

Attachment issues (as you'll know from your initial reading!) have their roots in your relationship with your primary caregivers. So whatever your unconventional setup was - and you mention also your parents "had issues" - your very early childhood experiences with respect to your parents will be at the root of what is fundamentally a fear of abandonment.

Please don't dismiss accessing therapy via your work medical benefits. It should be completely confidential and your work shouldn't even be able to find out you are using it. Read the small print and see what it says about confidentiality.

Thank you so much. This is reassuring. I definitely can see elements of my childhood that may have impacted this. It's interesting but also quite a sad realisation as I'd always looked fondly on my childhood in relation to my parents love towards me.

OP posts:
Papillon23 · 11/10/2023 13:02

At my work referring yourself for counselling via the Employee Assistance Programme doesn't result in the organisation being informed at all - they pay a per person cost that averages out for the company supplying the service as covering costs.

In my area there are also some charities that provide therapy to women who have experienced abuse but they are area specific - this might be something to look into for where you are?

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