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Original poster

I can't get over something that happened 5 years ago

34 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 10/10/2023 11:30

I've posted before about things with my DP not being great.

I'm having therapy and my therapist has suggested couple counselling, which I am not against, but am not sure if it would help me get over a specific issue.

My DP was not single when we met, and I didn't know about it. I found out months later (can't even remember how I found out) that I had overlapped with his ex for 3 months. I asked him at that point if there was anything else that had happened with anyone else, or any other dark secrets to tell, and he said there wasn't. Fast forward 6 months (so then a year into the relationship) and it turns out he had also slept with someone else right at the start of our relationship, probably before we were "official", but he hadn't told me about it before.

We split up for a bit and worked through some stuff separately, and decided to give it another go.

Largely he has been good at being reliable and doing what he says he is going to do, and this has helped to rebuild some of the trust.

But then more recently (as I've posted about) there have been issues around money, a few times where he said he was going to do something and then let me down, and just things that have led the trust to be very wobbly again.

I suppose my question is - can I ever get over that initial breaking of the trust, or with every little thing that goes wrong, am I going to get triggered back here again?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 10/10/2023 11:34

Your trusts has been broken
I think that’s very hard to repair ultimately
he wasn’t honest from the start - not a great way to start a relationship

notsurewhattofeel · 10/10/2023 11:35

He may not be lying about anything more now, but you know that if things get tricky he does that easily. I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore.

FannyBawz · 10/10/2023 11:35

Get rid of him.

You can’t trust him. He doesn’t sound like a keeper.

Specso · 10/10/2023 11:36

Once you feel like you don’t trust someone it very rarely changes and if they do additional things to confirm they can’t be trusted it just proves you’re right not to trust them.

You can’t put a price on peace of mind and your mental health and I personally couldn’t be with someone I didn’t trust knowing my life would be filled with anxiety and playing detective. That’s no life, you deserve better.

Ianz · 10/10/2023 11:37

I'll probably get a bit of backlash for this but I would say that feeling will never go away ! It takes a lot of time to build trust with someone especially if you been hurt before by other people and let's be honest who hasn't ! However, it doesn't take that much for that trust to be broken and you can do everything to fix it but it will not be or feel the same.

Velvetbee · 10/10/2023 11:49

Just end it, you can’t trust him.

Pinkdelight3 · 10/10/2023 12:03

You're essentially asking if you can trust a liar. The answer to that is always going to be no. How can you? Because they lied so effectively to you before, so how could you know they're not still doing it? My question is about this:

We split up for a bit and worked through some stuff separately, and decided to give it another go.

It sounds like you'd effectively agreed to wipe the slate clean and start over, otherwise if him being trustworthy was vital for you, you would've stayed apart. If that's the case, then to some extent you have to take onboard that you signed up for staying with him knowing this flaw in his character, so it's not that you think he's trustworthy, more that you've chosen to overlook his past lies and he's presumably signed up to doing better going forward. In which case, deal with the money/trust issue (which may or may not be a dealbreaker on its own) and try not to dredge up those early days because you've tacitly forgiven him for that and moved forward.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 10/10/2023 13:00

Pinkdelight3 · 10/10/2023 12:03

You're essentially asking if you can trust a liar. The answer to that is always going to be no. How can you? Because they lied so effectively to you before, so how could you know they're not still doing it? My question is about this:

We split up for a bit and worked through some stuff separately, and decided to give it another go.

It sounds like you'd effectively agreed to wipe the slate clean and start over, otherwise if him being trustworthy was vital for you, you would've stayed apart. If that's the case, then to some extent you have to take onboard that you signed up for staying with him knowing this flaw in his character, so it's not that you think he's trustworthy, more that you've chosen to overlook his past lies and he's presumably signed up to doing better going forward. In which case, deal with the money/trust issue (which may or may not be a dealbreaker on its own) and try not to dredge up those early days because you've tacitly forgiven him for that and moved forward.

That's a really interesting point and I'm not sure I've thought about it in that way.

I'm almost appalled at the thought of the latter being true, because being trustworthy is vital for me, and he knows that. But I agree it is mixed messages for me to say that being trustworthy is vital, and lying is unacceptable, and both cross boundaries of what I am not willing to tolerate in a relationship, and then take him back and try again despite both having happened.

But I am struggling with how unjustified it feels to be thinking about this again now when I haven't brought it up for 4 years. I know it's because it's been triggered again recently, but the things that have happened recently are really non issues, or at least they feel a bit ridiculous to even write down because I'm sure most people would say I'm being oversensitive.

But yes, I've got trust issues that pre date this relationship. I was completing an online quiz thing the other day and it asked me to put down the initials of someone that I really trust. It took me about 5 minutes to find someone that I actually trust, and I put the initials of my therapist. There is literally nobody else in the world that I trust.

So any breach of trust is massive for me. I just don't know how I could ever fully trust him again.

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 10/10/2023 13:04

He doesn't sound like he has integrity.

Sorry.

Unless you're at the 11th hour fertility-wise, I think I'd be looking for a better specimen
for a partner and potential coparent.

DustyLee123 · 10/10/2023 13:04

The fact is that you took him back, so why should he change, because you’ll take him back again.
Ive discovered that my DH is a liar, he will tell a lie to stop him getting in trouble. I asked him why he lied, and he said ‘because everyone lies’. Well, I don’t. And neither do I trust or respect him.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 10/10/2023 13:11

He's adamant that he has changed as a person since then (etc etc) but yes to PP who said he so easily lied before and so easily could do again.

I'm annoyed by the past me for taking him back. I don't really understand how I could ignore my own boundaries so much.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 10/10/2023 13:23

The fact is that it’s easier to stay. Leaving is so difficult, you effectively being the one to cause the upset.
And you hang onto hope. Hope that he will change.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 10/10/2023 14:15

DustyLee123 · 10/10/2023 13:23

The fact is that it’s easier to stay. Leaving is so difficult, you effectively being the one to cause the upset.
And you hang onto hope. Hope that he will change.

That is certainly true. It took me 5 years to leave my previous relationship, that was "all my fault" as well (my ex would say) and my kids believe that narrative. So it feels doubly hard to end this relationship and have to shoulder the blame again, even though it was his actions in the beginning that ultimately caused it.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 10/10/2023 14:24

So he is a liar and a cheat, and you don't trust him - and with good reason!

And yet you've put up with this for 4 years? And that's after a previous dysfunctional 5-year relationship.

You need to work out why you repeatedly put up with men who do not meet your needs. Counselling would be a good idea.

Read Women Who Love Too Much as a first step.

And obviously leave your current partner.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 10/10/2023 14:41

You need to work out why you repeatedly put up with men who do not meet your needs

Indeed. I am having therapy and I didn't think it was helping but maybe it is helping me to bring some of these feelings to the surface that I had tried to bury for years.

I need to keep reminding myself that he has lied and he has cheated and this isn't all in my mind. I keep on thinking to myself - but what if he has changed and what if he really is a good guy and I'm throwing this relationship away because of my own insecurities - but then I am insecure (partially) because of things that he has done. So it's not all me!

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 10/10/2023 15:06

I need to keep reminding myself that he has lied and he has cheated and this isn't all in my mind. I keep on thinking to myself - but what if he has changed and what if he really is a good guy and I'm throwing this relationship away because of my own insecurities - but then I am insecure (partially) because of things that he has done

Make a list:
(1) all his lies, cheating, breaking your trust, "all the things he has done" - all the bad stuff.
(2) evidence of him being a good guy (whatever that means...) - I imagine that will be a short list of mostly inconsequential stuff?

What's left when you trade list 1 off against list 2?

Also consider your insecurities - where do they stem from, who has nurtured them, what inaccurate perceptions are they based on...

nobodysdaughternow · 10/10/2023 15:14

I'm surprised your counsellor suggested couples counselling for such a rocky relationship.

I remember your previous posts - you expressed exactly the same worries and nothing seems to have changed.

If you don't have kids together, move on.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 10/10/2023 15:49

PaminaMozart · 10/10/2023 15:06

I need to keep reminding myself that he has lied and he has cheated and this isn't all in my mind. I keep on thinking to myself - but what if he has changed and what if he really is a good guy and I'm throwing this relationship away because of my own insecurities - but then I am insecure (partially) because of things that he has done

Make a list:
(1) all his lies, cheating, breaking your trust, "all the things he has done" - all the bad stuff.
(2) evidence of him being a good guy (whatever that means...) - I imagine that will be a short list of mostly inconsequential stuff?

What's left when you trade list 1 off against list 2?

Also consider your insecurities - where do they stem from, who has nurtured them, what inaccurate perceptions are they based on...

I will do this, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 10/10/2023 15:50

nobodysdaughternow · 10/10/2023 15:14

I'm surprised your counsellor suggested couples counselling for such a rocky relationship.

I remember your previous posts - you expressed exactly the same worries and nothing seems to have changed.

If you don't have kids together, move on.

I don't know whether she thinks it will be make or break if we go to couples counselling? Perhaps she has had enough of me bleating on to her about it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 13/10/2023 10:23

Why is it so hard to just end something?

I've made the list of good vs bad things - the bad far outweighs the good (although I think I'm in such a negative place at the moment it's difficult to remember much good stuff)

We are meant to be going away in half term with the kids to his place by the coast. I feel like I am using him if we still (all) go, as I can't see a future for us now, but I know the kids will be disappointed as they have been looking forward to it.

I honestly think if this relationship ends I won't ever have another one. Certainly not whilst the kids live with me. I can't put them through this again.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 13/10/2023 12:15

I've just spent time looking back at old emails from the time that we got back together after I found out he had been lying to me.

I seem to have thought that difficult times gave opportunity for growth, and almost that if I could challenge myself to get over my trust issues then I would be a better, stronger person for it.

But on reflection that's not true, is it? Because how can I grow when I've been putting my trust into someone who has proven themselves more than once to be untrustworthy? Even if he has changed, it doesn't alter what happened at the start of our relationship and I can't erase what happened, or my feelings about it, as much as I can't erase my childhood during which my lack of trust was established.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 27/10/2023 19:51

I keep going around in circles.

I decide I want to end things. And then something happens to make me doubt my decision, and I go back on it. We spend more time together (usually with the kids around) and I regret going back on it and wish I hadn't bottled ending things before. Ad infinitum.

I have a history of this. It's what I've done all my life.

I don't know how to step out of this pattern.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 28/10/2023 01:41

But then more recently (as I've posted about) there have been issues around money, a few times where he said he was going to do something and then let me down, and just things that have led the trust to be very wobbly again.

The problem is not your lack of trust, it's his lack of reliability/honesty/integrity.

The issue for you to figure out is why you keep 'forgiving' a continued lack of integrity. Do you feel you are getting higher needs met by this relationship so having to put up with this is the price you pay for getting those needs met?

junbean · 28/10/2023 03:25

He's a dishonest person and as long as he is, you will keep getting triggered. He is the only one who can turn things around- you can only choose to live with it or not. In my experience they get worse because they get away with it.

PaminaMozart · 28/10/2023 03:41

My dear girl, I hope you'll find the courage and the strength to extricate yourself from this messy relationship.

You know he'll never meet your needs. He'll continue to let you down. This is him - he is not worth all your anguish.

Imagine a life without this selfish liar! 💐