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Original poster

I can't get over something that happened 5 years ago

34 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 10/10/2023 11:30

I've posted before about things with my DP not being great.

I'm having therapy and my therapist has suggested couple counselling, which I am not against, but am not sure if it would help me get over a specific issue.

My DP was not single when we met, and I didn't know about it. I found out months later (can't even remember how I found out) that I had overlapped with his ex for 3 months. I asked him at that point if there was anything else that had happened with anyone else, or any other dark secrets to tell, and he said there wasn't. Fast forward 6 months (so then a year into the relationship) and it turns out he had also slept with someone else right at the start of our relationship, probably before we were "official", but he hadn't told me about it before.

We split up for a bit and worked through some stuff separately, and decided to give it another go.

Largely he has been good at being reliable and doing what he says he is going to do, and this has helped to rebuild some of the trust.

But then more recently (as I've posted about) there have been issues around money, a few times where he said he was going to do something and then let me down, and just things that have led the trust to be very wobbly again.

I suppose my question is - can I ever get over that initial breaking of the trust, or with every little thing that goes wrong, am I going to get triggered back here again?

OP posts:
Frintononsea · 28/10/2023 04:03

For me it depends on how bad the money issues were.

Tbh human relationships are messy and there is sometimes a crossover between one ending and a new one starting. That’s not particularly unusual I think! And unless I am missing something, since then you have built a life together with dc and he’s been faithful to you.

I think it’s very significant that you say you do this with every relationship. I think this just might be your issue op, and not his, but it’s very hard to tell from just reading a few paragraphs. Good luck to you op.

Frintononsea · 28/10/2023 04:09

Oh I have just read your update about comparative lists and it looks like he isn’t a very good person op. In which case you have a difficult decision to make, but I would still explore with your therapist why this is a recurring pattern for you. Good luck.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 29/10/2023 19:45

Frintononsea · 28/10/2023 04:03

For me it depends on how bad the money issues were.

Tbh human relationships are messy and there is sometimes a crossover between one ending and a new one starting. That’s not particularly unusual I think! And unless I am missing something, since then you have built a life together with dc and he’s been faithful to you.

I think it’s very significant that you say you do this with every relationship. I think this just might be your issue op, and not his, but it’s very hard to tell from just reading a few paragraphs. Good luck to you op.

The money stuff was more stuff that felt unfair (he lives with me and was renting out his place, bringing in a large amount of money per month that was just going into savings for him). Yes, relationships are messy, but he has form for overlapping relationships (his wife overlapped for about 5 years with his affair partner, who he then overlapped with with the GF before me, and then I overlapped with her...) so he has patterns too!

We have built a life together, and as far as I know (other than the overlapping and him sleeping with another (third) person right at the start of our relationship) he has been faithful. But how would I know? His wife didn't know, for 5 years, that he was seeing someone else. I didn't know for the first 3 months of our relationship that he was seeing someone else. The night after he slept with the third person as above, he sent me a text saying that I was a "new, permanent partner". His words have meant shit, and as much as we have had a good spell of time together, I can't ever get away from the lies that have been told.

I've reread the previous post about me taking him back and effectively wiping the slate clean with that action, with the message that all is forgiven. But it's not forgiven. I don't forgive it. And I can't forget it either.

I just need to end it but my youngest DS will be devastated. And I feel like a terrible, terrible person for hurting him again (he was gutted when I split up with his Dad too).

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 29/10/2023 19:52

The problem is not your lack of trust, it's his lack of reliability/honesty/integrity. The issue for you to figure out is why you keep 'forgiving' a continued lack of integrity. Do you feel you are getting higher needs met by this relationship so having to put up with this is the price you pay for getting those needs met?

Yes, I do need to explore that. At the moment it doesn't feel as though I am getting any needs met, although I feel so guarded that I won't admit to having any needs (or at least not ones that I can't resolve myself).

I think most of the reason for staying is guilt. Guilt for putting my kids through a break up. Guilt for being the one to end it and knowing it will upset him. I remember my Dad sitting on the end of my bed crying when he and my mum split up and it was the first (and possibly only) time I have ever seen him cry. I think I find it difficult to see men cry and I know that's what will happen, and I will have to sit with the guilt of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 29/10/2023 19:53

PaminaMozart · 28/10/2023 03:41

My dear girl, I hope you'll find the courage and the strength to extricate yourself from this messy relationship.

You know he'll never meet your needs. He'll continue to let you down. This is him - he is not worth all your anguish.

Imagine a life without this selfish liar! 💐

I love this reply. Thank you ❤

OP posts:
Premfove · 30/10/2023 00:13

In my experience once the trust has been damaged it's almost impossible to repair. I had periods of trusting my husband again but it involved putting on a sort of pretence by blocking out my real feelings/deliberately not thinking about previous issues. Essentially living a lie in the hope it would stick. But like you said, once something else inevitably came up it would trigger me right back into those feelings of mistrust.

fuchsteufelswild · 30/10/2023 00:55

The point of counselling is to explore patterns of abuse that we were often enough exposed to early on, so if you feel like you can't break out of these you could perhaps get a better counsellor. Seems like you have good reason to be the way you are, which should make you feel less guilty. It's not like you have a choice feeling the way you do.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 30/10/2023 18:32

Premfove · 30/10/2023 00:13

In my experience once the trust has been damaged it's almost impossible to repair. I had periods of trusting my husband again but it involved putting on a sort of pretence by blocking out my real feelings/deliberately not thinking about previous issues. Essentially living a lie in the hope it would stick. But like you said, once something else inevitably came up it would trigger me right back into those feelings of mistrust.

Did you split up in the end @Premfove ?

OP posts:
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