erectile dysfunction but looking up strange porn sights, feel very confused

[boo1234]

Can anyone please help me to remind me what is notmral in a sexual relationship. Since meeting dh 4 years ago he has suffered from erectile dysfunction, can't get it up or looses it very quickly. There have been some points in our relationship which have been better than others and seem to be blessed with being very fertile so have got two lovely ds, but not conceived from a great sex life! Anyway we are suffering from 'the flop' very badly at the moment and it is affecting our relationship. I have tried everything including asking him what turns him on. He said fat women. Anyway after not talking for a day (as there is so much anger and hurt with the problem) this morning he wakes me up with a huge erection (sorry if TMI) but as soon as he tries to put it in he looses it. He said he will go to councelling so we are on talking terms again. But log on to computer this morning to find the recent search lists inclucde sex with fat women and dwarfs having sex! So makes me think he was only excited this morning after looking at that web site.

Can anyone tell me how they would feel if this was their dh? Am feeling so numb and upset, cried so much over the last few days.
Any advice anyone sorry if this sounds a weird question, but i am really feeling I don't know what to do or think.

Not been in this position but can only imagine. He was wrong i think to have been looking at it behind you back since your sex life together is suffering, but at the same time, if you're not talking - what else is he supposed to do?

Don't blame yourself or take it personally, however hard.

Perhaps tonight or one night soon, when he gets home from work or before you go to bed, put something sexy on and either buy a DVD that includes one of his fantasies or be logged into the internet ... and come onto him explaining that you had seen the internet history and would like to share his fantasies with him. You'll be the winner. If you can both watch a DVD that turns him on enough to get an erection, whats the problem?

Men sometimes feel that its 'firty or bad' to watch porn, but if women were to involve themselves more....they'd be far more open Im sure.

Good luck and more importantly, relax and enjoy!

K x

firty was obviously dirty!!

lol

it's not your fault. Even if you turned yourself into a fat dwarf I doubt it would resolve everything so try not to think of it as 'your' issue.

If he is willing to go and talk to someone about it, then great. He can go to the doctor and get medication that might help. There are lots of things that can be done. Don't despair.

Yes I will try this and I have asked him to watch porn with me before we did once but nothing happened, but was not with fat women or dwarfs so maybe that was where we went wrong!

This problem has been going on for four years though since we have been together, not the watching porn, but the not being able to get it up or loosing it. So I feel I have never turned him on and he is not willing to share his fantacies with me and beleive me I have tried. Maybe this is a good thing me finding this.

maybe he has always had the problem and it isn't you. He needs to go to the GP and talk to them about it.

Maybe he was desperate to see if there was anything out there which could turn him on!

What my mind does during sex is my business only. And I dont think my husband would be too pleased. But they are my fantasies, and if it means I enjoy sex with my dh more for having them, then clearly he benefits too. Does not mean he doesnt turn me on, or I dont fancy him, or love him.

Why were you checking his cache?

We have had periods where my husband has suffered "the flop", these were usually when he had a really busy or stressful period with work. The more we spoke about it, the worse the problem got, and he got into a real performance anxiety for this. It is really hard to get out of. Making him think he is abnormal, or not good enough wont help. I would just say, never mind, give me a bj now, as I am so turned on, and I will give you one after. Sorry if tmi. And if the problem persisted, we would just cuddle and say, better wait til tomorrow when you are not so stressed and tired. But, after my husband lost weight, and started cycling daily, the problem has not resurfaced the last two years. How is your dh's fitness level?

YES HE HAS SAYS HE ALWAYS HAS HAD THE PROBLEM, HE WENT TO GP THIS WEEK AND THEY ARE CHECKING THE PHYSICAL SIDE OF THINGS BUT WE BOTH THINK IT IS PYSCOLOGICAL AS HE HAD QUITE A SAD CHILDHOOD.

WASN'T CHECKING UP ON WHAT HE HAD BEEN LOOKING AT. WAS GOING TO LOOK UP SEX AIDS TO TRY AND FIND ONE OF THOSE RING THINGS THAT KEEPS THE ERECTION THATS WHEN I SAW THE SIGHTS.

YOU ALL SEEM ALOT MORE UNDERSTANDING THAN ME. I FEEL CROSS AND ANGRY AT HIM THAT WE HAVE NEVER HAD A GOOD SEX LIFE. MAYBE THE PROBLEM DOES COME DOWN TO ME FOR FEELING LIKE THAT. HAVE TRIED BJ TO GET IT UP BUT NO, TRIED SEXY UNDERWEAR, TALKING DIRTY.

Don't know what advice to give you that could help. Once a sexual fetish has been established it's almost impossible to get rid of it.

Sounds like he's always been into fat women and dwarfs and that's why he's had a problem getting turned on by you (also why he didn't want to share his fantasies). As it's happened right from the start, I think he just wanted to have kids and a family or thought maybe a relationship could "cure" him. But your sex life with this freak is never going to work.

calling him a freak is not going to help. Neither is the suggestion that OP dresses up as a fat dwarf.

I am a man, so here is a man's view...

errectile disfunction is extremely common. It happens to ALL - I repeat, ALL - men at one time or another, for any number of reasons. In a way we get the raw deal because we can hide it a lot less than women can if we are not functioning well, IYSWIM.

As Quint rightly points out (as usual), it is something which requires care and patience. The more an issue is made of it, the more of a problem it becomes. Also Quint is right to point out that what goes on in our minds during sex may not always be for public broadcast.

So I would say tread carefully and with some compassion. This problem goes right to the heart of his virility and masculinity and is a cycle which can be hard to break. It will certainly never be broken if you do not work at it together, in a compassionate and mutually supportive way (he also has to understand that it leaves you frustrated).

Clearly there are some significant underlying issues here for your DH and I hope you find together a way of getting to the bottom of them and finding ways forward.

But maybe he doesn't have erectile dysfunction, he just isn't interested in normal sex. Sorry, getting turned on by dwarfs and fat women is a freak by my definition. This would be a dfferent situation if you had a normal sex life then he started having a problem getting it up.

I think you're being a bit hard calling this man a "freak" Musicgirl. Why shouldn't men find "fat" women a turn-on ? If "fat" is a taboo, sexually, then something like 50% of UK females would never get a look in and quite obviously, they do. Beside, "fat" is a very subjective term.

I appreciate that seeking out sites with dwarves on them might be more unusual, but, as Quint said, perhaps he was desperately searching about for anything which might have the desired effect. Arousal isn't simply about what you see in front of you necessarily, it can also arise from the "dirty", "taboo" or "shocking" element of what you're looking at, rather than the actual image per se. Again, all those terms are subjective ..... some people wouldn't find a particular fetish particularly "naughty" but others would. In the end, does it really matter so long as he was able to get aroused ? If he'd been able to sustain that and successfully have sex, then his confidence would have been boosted, and the next time might have been more spontaneous.

spot on starlight, it is exactly the type of language employed by musicgirl which raises the pressure on men to perform and which leaves them struggling to find solutions when issues like this arise. I do not know which part of losing erection does not come under erectile disfunction!

Also your advice on how to deal with it is spot on too.

Thanks for all your advice and views. Am trying with all my heart and soul to be compasionate and caring towards dh. Have suggested relate together but he says there are things that he may want to talk about on his own. He doesn't want to see a man therapist but will see a woman, this too takes some getting my head around as feel there will be another woman knowing more about him. Feel pushed out and scared that she may turn him on too, stupid I know but my confidence is very low at mo.

hhhmmmm.

Beleive me I really do not think that my husband is a freak and that the things he may want to talk about are more about his sad childhood, which may relate to the way he views sex with me today. Am I being totally nieve here?

Bump, any advice?

I don't think that your husband is a freak or that it's helpful to describe him in that way. I don't understand why these kind of things appeal to him but maybe seeing a counsellor would help both of you understand things a bit better. I'm not altogether surprised that he would rather see a female as he may feel too threatened to talk about this with another man. He needs to see someone he is comfortable with if he is to open up and get anything out of the sessions.

no boo, you are not being naive. Sounds like DH has recognised that he has things he needs to work on individually. Please do not feel threatened by the fact he would prefer to see a female therapist. Many men are the same, they just feel they can interract better with a lady. He has not asked to see a female therapist so that he can be turned on. It would be too long winded to go into all the mechanics of how therapy works in a bid to reassure you about this but if you can just take it as read that you really do not need to worry about that, that would already be one less thing for you to worry about.

He is being brave facing up to the need to get help, i would accept his wish and not push for relate just yet. You can always go there later.

This might be a long and painful process for DH and he will need all the support he can get. But it will be worth it, I am very sure.

You sound like a very kind and caring wife and DH is lucky to have you.

Thanks postingatlast. I just feel so cross and upset that it is not me he is sharing his fantacies with but some other woman, I know it is not in that sense councelling but is hard to get out of that mindset. He has never shared his fantacies with me and apart from me asking him the other day and finding another website a while back I have no idea. If it was joint councelling I would feel that I am not missing out on anything and feel I can understand him more where as at the mo I feel I do not understand him at all.

I don't feel very kind and caring either to be quite honest. Am not looking forward to him coming home from work or spending the weekend with him. He will want to cuddle me to make sure that things are ok but I don't want to. Would love a good night out with my friends but recently moved area and they live 3 hours away now. DH makes me feel awful at mo to put it very pleasently and I do not want to be around him.

boo,
please dont feel cross with him. If he wants to find a way to join together his fantasies with a working sex life with a real life person, he will have to lay his soul totally bare. Who better to guide him through that with a councillor/therapist?

Our fantasyworld is very private, I am not upset if my husband is not sharing with me, and I would not want to share with my husband. However, give me a bottle of wine and my best girlfriend in the world, we would openly discuss such matters, as it does not matter personally to me what turns my friend on, and vice versa.

I think it is a very good sign that your dh wants to see a therapist. I would let him go on his own, but offer to join him further down the line if he wants to. Take a step back, let him go through the therapeutic process with the councillor, he may come back exhausted, moody, tearful, upbeat, he may be a rollercoster ride of emotion, but just be there for him. Most importantly, dont ask, just casually say "if there is anythign you like to share with me, I am right here", but no pressure. Just let him know you are there for you.

Maybe step back from sex too for a while to take the pressure off, but dont stop being physical, you can hug (and massage as somebody else suggested) maybe even a snog, just dont make any sexual overtures yet.

(Hello Postingatlast not seen you for awhile)

without making this a love-in with Quint, please read what she says as she is really spot on, especially in that first paragraph.

You say you don't want to miss out on anything but unfortunately sometimes that is what happens in a relationships and it is usually for the greater good. It is not possible to lay everything bare all of the time. Indeed I feel it is unhealthy. I have often discussed in other threads the need for a secret garden (and often been flamed for extolling the virtues of one) but I firmly believe that there are some things which are best worked out on their own - and kept to oneself.

I would also say that one of the benefits of seeing a good counsellor is it provides a great forum in which to learn how to communicate better. This can only be good for your relationship too as, reading between the lines, DH is not very open with you.

He needs to learn how to be honest with himself (and facing up to this and what it digs up can be unbearably painful). Then, and only then, will he be comfortable enough to be honest to others.

Quint is right, this kind of journey requires discreet support rather than pushing for details. Imagine it as him being the driver of the train and you being the guard. He doesn't need you in order for the train to move forward but he knows you are there and he knows he can turn to you whenever he needs to.

Sometimes letting go a little actually results in greater intimacy. I know that may sound paradoxical but it can often be true. DH sounds like he desperately needs some safe space in which to work through things and a good therapist will provide this.

Hope that makes sense and good luck

[hello Quint too , yes, been a bit quiet recently, busy days, plus I was getting into to many disagreements on these boards and was beginning to feel a little, shall we say, targeted so I kept a low profile for a while! sorry for the mini-hijack ]