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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so guilty but I can’t help

26 replies

Ohthisisimpossible · 09/10/2023 21:54

I have an ex. It was an intense relationship which ended a year ago and lasted about 3 years. He ended it. We’ve tried to have a friendship but it’s not been easy. If I’m honest, part of me doesn’t feel over him. The whole relationship was just so wrenching. I would never go back, but I don’t feel healed.

He got in touch today and asked if he could confide in me about something, because I’m the only one who’d understand. I said, of course, and he proceeded to tell me he’d been dumped.

Is it me or is this madness? You dump me and then want me to console you about being dumped? He’s acting like I’m being really unsupportive because I’ve said I’m sorry, I can’t help with this, I am totally not the right person.

OP posts:
UpUpUpU · 09/10/2023 22:01

He’s after sex. Just ignore him

gamerchick · 09/10/2023 22:07

Yep he's wanting sympathy sex.

JaxiiTaxii · 09/10/2023 22:07

WTF?
What a bellend.

You definitely shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to be his emotional support human.

WanderingAroundintheLark · 09/10/2023 22:08

Block block block!

Lamelie · 09/10/2023 22:11

Go you for having boundaries and the quick wit to say, err no.
This is a win, girl!

Londisc · 09/10/2023 22:14

Is it me or is this madness?

It's not you. Your instincts are spot on. And whilst you don't feel completely healed, feel completely confident that you are 100 percent better off not being in a relationship with him.

Disengage. Do not send any messages that encourage a reponse (I would say don't send any further response at all as a strong preference). You've already done the right thing in saying you couldn't help. You don't need to keep justifying that. He's not a true friend. You stick to your guns.

Original poster
Ohthisisimpossible · 09/10/2023 22:26

Thank you all. He does tend to need me when there’s a crisis but we never do anything much outside of those times. But always with the ‘no one understands me like you do’ kind of thing going on. I feel like I’m selfish for not being able to cope with hearing him talk about his heartbreak.

OP posts:
Londisc · 09/10/2023 22:45

We’ve tried to have a friendship but it’s not been easy.

You tried, because you are nice, it didn't work, but you tried. He's really not your friend - he treats you badly. Please use this latest episode of his needy narcissist bullshit to be the trigger to call time on this non-friendship. I understand full well why you felt you needed to try for the last year but a year is plenty. You've done enough. Set yourself free. You deserve it.

category12 · 09/10/2023 22:53

Ohthisisimpossible · 09/10/2023 22:26

Thank you all. He does tend to need me when there’s a crisis but we never do anything much outside of those times. But always with the ‘no one understands me like you do’ kind of thing going on. I feel like I’m selfish for not being able to cope with hearing him talk about his heartbreak.

You're not looking after yourself. Stop worrying about his emotions and worry about your own.

He dumped you and now he's using you as an emotional crutch when it suits him. Plus dumping a guilt trip on you for not being supportive enough - the cheeky callous asshat.

Honestly, do yourself a favour and stop trying to be a "friend" to him.

category12 · 09/10/2023 22:55

Ohthisisimpossible · 09/10/2023 22:26

Thank you all. He does tend to need me when there’s a crisis but we never do anything much outside of those times. But always with the ‘no one understands me like you do’ kind of thing going on. I feel like I’m selfish for not being able to cope with hearing him talk about his heartbreak.

He does tend to need me when there’s a crisis but we never do anything much outside of those times.
= you're not friends, you're his emotional support human. To be put back in your box when not required.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/10/2023 08:15

You are the only one who understands is a typical manipulate phrase when people want to overburden you. Stop listening to his tales of woe. I'm sure he wouldn't feel one bit guilty refusing to listen to your difficulties. If his mother had died or something there might be some excuse but getting dumped...what the hell?

Original poster
Ohthisisimpossible · 10/10/2023 08:31

I sent a message saying sorry but I’m really not the best person for this, but I’m sorry you’re struggling and I hope you feel better soon.

He is angry and let down by me and from his point of view he reached out for help and I am too weak to give it to him.

So he’s punishing me by ignoring me now.

FFS.

OP posts:
Ilovethewild · 10/10/2023 08:37

Win win Op, you stood your ground,
held your boundaries and said No,

he threw a strop and has gone away!

well done
now block him

Dery · 10/10/2023 08:39

“You're not looking after yourself. Stop worrying about his emotions and worry about your own.

He dumped you and now he's using you as an emotional crutch when it suits him. Plus dumping a guilt trip on you for not being supportive enough - the cheeky callous asshat.

Honestly, do yourself a favour and stop trying to be a "friend" to him.”

This.

@Ohthisisimpossible - let him ignore you. That sounds ideal. He ended your relationship. You won’t fully recover while you’re trying to be friends. But he isn’t your friend. He just expects you to be his. He doesn’t owe you a relationship. You don’t owe him friendship. Go no contact for at least a while and focus on building a life without him in it. Time helps of course but, in my experience, going no contact also really helps with getting over someone. Difficult at first of course but you get used to them not being there.

FOJN · 10/10/2023 08:52

Stop considering his feelings. You don't feel fully healed and he's using you to support him and boost his ego when he feels low. And now he's being critical because you aren't prepared to be his unpaid therapist.

You aren't obliged to maintain a friendship with an ex partner. It's possible to end a relationship and move on without animosity.

Prioritise yourself and cut contact with him. Treat him ignoring you as an opportunity to get rid of this self centered arse for good. You deserve better.

Worddance · 10/10/2023 09:04

I think you're completely right to say you're not the right person and back off a bit. You don't have to be friends if you don't want to be.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/10/2023 09:11

gamerchick · 09/10/2023 22:07

Yep he's wanting sympathy sex.

Yep. DH tried this when he moved out to live with his gf. Popping round for 'coffee,' moaning at how she was moaning at him for not clearing up after himself, how he had to account for where he was because she didn't trust him (can't imagine why 🙄). He loved the idea of two women running around and ministering to him.

*He is angry and let down by me and from his point of view he reached out for help and I am too weak to give it to him.

So he’s punishing me by ignoring me now.*

Oh dear, has his emotional support human malfunctioned?i gnore it. He knows how to yank you around and he's doing just that. You split, you aren't responsible for being his therapist. If he ignores you all the better, you can work on getting over him.

senua · 10/10/2023 09:12

because I’m the only one who’d understand.
Eh? Hasn't he got friends? Doesn't he know anybody else who, in the whole history of the world, has ever been dumped?

What on earth are you supposed to say anyway? - "yeah, I sympathise. It really hurts. I can empathise because it's like that time when you dumped me!"

Original poster
Ohthisisimpossible · 10/10/2023 09:38

I’m laughing and crying at these replies, thank you!! His emotional support human has indeed malfunctioned.

It’s very sad. I think maybe I’ve been clinging onto/enabling a friendship that’s not there. I only really hear from him when there’s a medical problem or if he’s got some emotions he needs to shift onwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohthisisimpossible · 10/10/2023 09:40

I did ask yesterday ‘is there a term for supporting the person that dumped you when they get dumped’?

but then I made a joke out of it because I’m pathetic

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/10/2023 09:45

Ohthisisimpossible · 10/10/2023 09:38

I’m laughing and crying at these replies, thank you!! His emotional support human has indeed malfunctioned.

It’s very sad. I think maybe I’ve been clinging onto/enabling a friendship that’s not there. I only really hear from him when there’s a medical problem or if he’s got some emotions he needs to shift onwards.

Sounds to me like he's keeping you warm by playing on your sympathetic nature, OP. Dumping his emotional problems on you, is he? I'd cut that off for a start and tell him to get therapy if he needs help.

Dery · 10/10/2023 09:50

Crikey - he wanted your support because he’d been dumped. And what - you’d understand because he dumped you!?!? He sounds like a complete prick, OP. Go NC for now. His loss. Your gain. Make yourself your priority.

Seaweed42 · 10/10/2023 09:57

You responded the right way.

He's taking the victim role to get sympathy.
Mummy, Mummy I fell and hurt my knee.
But after the bandaid and the pat on the head, he runs off back to play with his friends.

His only interest in you is your level of interest in helping him when he needs it.

Sometimes friendships are unhealthy and one-sided and kept going because of the fear of abandonment.

Or because one or both persons like to still have control of the other by keeping the contact so they knowing of the other person's whereabouts and comings and goings.

You absolutely have to shut one door in order for other doors to open.

Flyinggeesei234 · 10/10/2023 09:58

OP this is a gift, honestly. Golden ticket to cutting ties completely so you can truly move on and heal.

You’ve handled this perfectly!

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 10/10/2023 09:59

He's a git. He knows you're not completely over him, and he's hoping for a shag