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Original poster

Stalking/Bumble dating app - Bumble are no help!

71 replies

DustSalad · 09/10/2023 17:54

Hi

I went on a date with a guy a few weeks ago. We matched on Bumble. And now he's using that app to stalk/harass me. And Bumble are being no help!

The date was supposed to be a walk round a loch then a drink in a nearby pub. He was really full-on within 10 mins, asking loads of inappropriate questions eg why did I split up with my last boyf, how long before I sleep with someone. He tried to get me to walk further into a field where there was no-one else around when it was getting dark. I made my excuses and cut it short but could tell he was offended.

Cue the incessant contacting me on every fucking platform known to man! He alternates between asking me to give him another chance and giving me dogs abuse about how I'll never get better than him. I had to block him on absolutely everything - calls, text, whatsapp, Telegram, Insta, fb, LinkedIn. And obviously I unmatched and blocked him on Bumble.

But he comes up on Bumble again. As a "new" profile, to get round me having blocked him. Almost every day. He has usually "liked" or "complimented" my profile. I block and report the profile (I think about 20 times now) and Bumble just send 1 of 2 automated messages every time, either they'll "keep an eye on him" or they've "given him a warning" but he keeps doing it. I even private messaged Bumble on Twitter. They say they are inundated with messages and will get back to me. But they never do.

If he's making a new profile every time then presumably there is no history of how many warnings he's had, if you see what I mean?

One feature of Bumble is it tells you how far the other user is from you. This makes me feel uneasy. I've tried to turn it off but am unsure it's worked. I don't feel I should have to delete my Bumble profile because of it but am getting that way.

Anyone have any thoughts or similar experiences? Especially on how to get Bumble to DO something? Bloody cheek, their USP was about being a dating app for women but they have been no help at all!

Thanx

OP posts:
FOJN · 10/10/2023 08:13

Contacting the Suzy Lamplugh Trust is a good idea.

Keep a record of all his attempts to contact you.

Increase security settings on all your social media.

You need to come off Bumble for a while, yes it's shit but this guy is trouble and could be dangerous. Don't think he's just being keen, men who can't take no for an answer need to be taken seriously.

If you message him as suggested previously do not sound friendly. Keep your message short and direct so that he cannot claim he was confused about your intentions. Something like,

"I do not want to meet with you again. Stop contacting me. Your attention is unwelcome. I will contact the police if you do not stop."

Do not soften the message. He understands you do not want any contact with him and he does not care.

Original poster
DustSalad · 10/10/2023 19:07

Thanks everyone. I phoned the non-emergency number this morning and the police are actually taking it very seriously. An officer is coming round this evening to take a full statement. Luckily yes I have been keeping screenshots including one where I have told him clearly I don't want any more contact.

Yes on Bumble the woman has to send the first message when a couple match. But a newer feature is that any man can send you a "compliment" so it defeats the whole premise of the app. And you can also see who has "liked" your profile if you pay a subscription. I've learned from a pp though that you can pay to be "incognito" ie a guy can only see you if you have swiped right on their profile first.

Bumble are absolute shite though. The subscription services are so expensive but their customer service is non-existent. I have messaged them a link to this thread and still no response! Nothing will change until they are publicly named in a murder case I reckon. They are totally dishonest because Tinder sort of has a name for being a bit dodgy at times whereas Bumble likes to pretend it's a cut above, with slightly more decent blokes and that it's very pro-women. But it's all lies. Shame on you, Bumble, if you have even arsed yourself to read this thread!

Thanks to all for their advice.

OP posts:
WanderingNortherner · 11/10/2023 04:14

You’ll have to delete Bumble or pay to go incognito. He’ll probably start looking for you on other dating apps though so I’d be tempted to lay low for a while until he gets fed up.

Speedweed · 11/10/2023 04:34

It's such a victim-blaming stance as well of bumble to make a user pay not to see the dross, rather than making the dross pay to use the app if they aren't verified.

Sorry this is happening op, and shame on bumble.

cassiatwenty · 11/10/2023 04:39

OP, Bumble is like that. When it comes to it, no support for women using it despite them claiming they are helpful, etc etc

I'm sorry you dealt with such an awful guy.

AllotmentTime · 11/10/2023 05:06

OP, as shit as it is, please tell your family/someone you know well IRL. Not to make you feel worse, but if he did try something, you need your loved ones to be on the ball if they unexpectedly don't hear from you.

Hope the police were helpful 💐

MiniBossFromAus · 11/10/2023 06:17

The obvious solution is to get rid of Bumble for a little while.

Lifemessed · 11/10/2023 09:07

Tinder is the same…

Lifemessed · 11/10/2023 09:07

Sorry I meant Hinge

Original poster
DustSalad · 11/10/2023 18:15

Thanks everyone. Yes the police were great, they spent a whole hour with me getting all the details and screenshots. They are going to contact him to "give him some friendly advice".

Couldn't agree more that Bumble are basically victim-blaming. Pay extra so that the dross can't harass you, exactly right!

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/10/2023 18:19

Delete app and report to police please

Daffodil18 · 11/10/2023 18:19

Good glad you have got it sorted. That should give him a good sharp shock receiving a message from the police.

Goldfish41 · 11/10/2023 18:24

beatrix1234 · 09/10/2023 21:17

As someone who had to file an order of harassment the first thing the police will ask is: "Did you clearly communicate you don't want him contacting you?", if you didn't there's no case to pursue. I strongly recommend you sending him something one the lines of: "Hi, this relationship doesn't;t work for me so please decease contacting me in any shape or form. Further messages from you will be dealt with accordingly through the authorities. Thanks for understanding and respecting my wishes. Pam". Once he reads the word "authorities" it will very probably put him off, scare him and he'll move in to the next victim.

Record all evidence and keep a log of this response and his further attempts to contact you. If he persists then yes, go to the authorities and explain what's happening. Keep evidence of everything.

Edited

This is good advice.

I also wouldn’t be shy about publicly messaging them on social media, you don’t have to put all the details. Sadly, that’s when companies swing into gear.

Goldfish41 · 11/10/2023 18:25

Sorry cross-posted! Well done for going to the police. Shocking Bumble were so rubbish.

Original poster
DustSalad · 13/10/2023 20:44

Bumble are STILL doing nothing! Despite me private messaging them again. They just say they are sorry but they have an overwhelming number of messages to deal. I mean what could be more serious than alleged criminal behaviour?!

I will again say this Bumble - I hope you can look at yourselves in the mirror if you are named in a domestic violence/murder trial one day.

OP posts:
funbags3 · 13/10/2023 20:45

I wonder if most of those messages are from people having to deal with the same shit you're having?

Original poster
DustSalad · 13/10/2023 20:56

Could be!!

I'm off the app now but I wanted them to be aware there's an active police case now. But they literally couldn't care less! I'm truly shocked at the level of contempt from them. Like I'm an absolute inconvenience. They should be bloody GRATEFUL that I flagged this creep to them.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 13/10/2023 21:05

OP, I'm so sorry. This is such a stressful situation for you. Sadly, much like you, I had expectations they were helpful and pro-women, but it's just business for them. The very least they could do is try and help.

Original poster
DustSalad · 13/10/2023 21:09

Yes I think that's what annoys me most. The pretence that they are all about women. When, of course, like every other business I suppose, they are all about money.

OP posts:
Slothlikemum · 13/10/2023 21:10

I actually know someone very senior in Marketing at Bumble. Am going to forward this thread to her.

Fahbeep · 13/10/2023 21:11

Daffodil18 · 09/10/2023 18:01

I think contact the police as he is harassing you. Also I know you shouldn’t have to come off Bumble however for your own safety you definitely should, even if it’s just for a little while. This guy sounds crazy and you don’t know what he’s capable of, so make sure you are uncontactable to him.

This.

Original poster
DustSalad · 13/10/2023 21:28

@Slothlikemum that would be AMAZING! Thanks so much. Someone senior at Bumble needs to look at this issue of blokes making new profiles to evade being blocked.

OP posts:
Original poster
DustSalad · 19/10/2023 13:45

So I finally got the below message today. Pretty underwhelming to be honest. I highly doubt they will do much at all. Sadly the conclusion I draw is that Bumble is just as dangerous as every other dating app out there and has no capacity or real interest to deal with issues of women's safety despite them marketing themselves as an app designed with women in mind.
....................

I'm so sorry for the delay in getting back to you. We've been dealing with a significant backlog and are working on getting back to everyone as quickly as we can.

Thank you so much for bringing this to our attention. I can confirm our Safety Team has received your reports and is taking appropriate action.

We can't thank you enough for helping us keep our community safe.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/10/2023 14:59

The thing is, on various dating sites, I've seen - my violent high-school bully (ironically, lying about his age on the ap) and a guy I lived with at uni who was the most gaslightlingly horrible guy I've ever met (ironically, claiming to be childfree when he actually has a daughter), an accused serial voyuer (who is now in jail for it but at the time was waiting for trial).

I also had 2 experiences on tinder similar to yours, in part, where the first guy was clearly trying to lead me to dark places whilst we were walking. Luckily after blocking him he ceased contact but I was afraid to walk locally for a while as I knew he lived nearby. The second was just a guy who was a friend of a fb friend who had messaged one day and we got chatting. Then he went weird so I blocked but then he joined tinder and would keep super liking my profile. Every time I joined. For years.

Like in real life, there are monsters everywhere. These aps do no vetting. And i suspect they ARE innondated with messages about weirdos because you'll probably find that 1 in 10 of them or something have someone complaining that they are on there when they are a dangerous person. And it would be more like 1 in 4 if their past victims were on there and saw them. Sites job is to facilitate meetings. Not to keep us safe unfortunately. The fact that so many shitty people are around, I can see why the struggle to do much and they send out such copy and paste-esk messages to people reporting things. There's just too many creeps to handle.

So glad you reported to the police.
He's probably got form for stalking and harassment. Best thing you can do is show these folk you won't be slow to go to the police. Fingers crossed he leaves you alone now.

Myfabby · 19/10/2023 20:10

Long shot but he didn't live in gosport did he? Similar happened to me 3 years ago- I could have written this.

Thank God police took it seriously.