Sibling violence

[user983980098]

When I was a child, my brother used to beat me up a lot. He was seven years older than me and strong.

He would come up to me and start punching me, knock me to the ground and continue punching. I had so many bruises that my parents took me to the GP because they thought I was ill. I didn't dare tell my dad because on the few occasions he witnessed it himself, my brother would be physically punished and I always felt like it was my fault. One time, I remember running to my room, away from him, and trying to shut my bedroom door which had glass panels. He punched through one of the panels and badly cut his hand. My mum was hysterical and screaming that I'd killed him. My dad came to talk to me at least and said he knew it wasn't my fault, but I still felt like it was.

I tried to tell a teacher once but she just cut me off and laughed. She said all brothers and sisters fight. But it wasn't a fight, it was just me getting punched over and over. I never mentioned it to anyone again and have mostly put it out my mind for 25 years. My brother and I don't really have any contact - his choice, not mine.

I recently read a memoir by someone who talked about her own sibling's violence against her and it got me thinking about it again. Then, I saw an awful scene on TV where a man punched a woman and she hit him back in defence, so he hit her twice as hard, repeatedly. It brought back memories of when I'd tried to hit my brother in self defence but all it did was make him punch me more, and harder.

I never really see it talked about. What are other people's experiences of this?

Was expecting something very different, I have no experience of this but didn't want to not reply. It sounds like maybe he was repeating the behaviour shown to him if he was physically punished. Not that that excuses what he did. I imagine that would be scary not just the times he was hurting you , but also the fear of when it would happen again. You should have been protected and you weren't. I'm sorry that you were put through that.

Similar experiences here and I’m sorry you went through this. How do you feel
about it now?

F

@EliflurtleTripanInfinite Thank you. Yes, I think he was repeating behaviour (although I don't believe my dad ever threw punches!) or at the very least venting his own hurt/frustration. As an older teenager he was groomed into a nationalist gang but as far as I know he doesn't have anything to do with this now.

@Pupsandturtles I'm sorry you've had similar experiences. I've spent the last 20 years feeling very sad that we don't have a relationship, still blaming myself for the times he got into trouble 'because of me'. I haven't allowed myself to think about how he was with me because I was told it was nothing. But reading that book (the writer was also told it was nothing) has shifted something. I'm not sure how I feel. I've been experiencing a lot of 'body memories' (I think that's the right term), feeling the sensations of being pinned down and punched in the stomach, arms, legs.

My brother used to hit me and tell me not to say anything as 'mum would be upset and dad would shout and it would all be my fault'. So I didn't tell anyone - I knew it wasn't the normal sibling arguing that my friends experienced, but I was too ashamed to tell anyone and didn't want to cause upset. I put it out of my mind for years but since having DC I get flashbacks to things that happened to me when I was their age.

Hi, yes I experienced this although my brother is 12 months younger than me. We do l have a great relationship now but back then it was horrible at times. We were latchkey kids at secondary school and used to argue about the chores we were given in-between school hometime and my mom coming in from work at 5pm. Sometimes it got so bad... once, I ran away from home and walked 20 miles to my aunties and another time my other brother (5 years younger) ended up stabbing our brother with a fork to make him stop punching and kicking me. My mom never had much sympathy. We laugh about it now.

What is his reason for going NC with you? You say it was his choice.

Hi, this sounds a horrible situation for you. Sibling abuse is very common but unfortunately tends not to be as well known or understood as other kinds of domestic abuse. My brother was physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive to me when I was growing up, with the psychological abuse actually being the worst I think. My parents either didn't know how to control his behaviour and outbursts or didn't want to (golden child). I've been very low contact with him for over 25 years now. Last Christmas my mum was ill and I needed to speak to him but he became abusive over the phone, and this caused a massive wave of trauma which I didn't even know was there - I thought I was ok and safe now. Seeing a therapist helped me to process this and I've done a lot of reading on sibling abuse. Bessel van der kolk's "the body keeps the score" is a really useful route to understanding trauma. As is Patrick Teahan on YouTube. You were a child and deserved to be kept safe and to feel loved.

My older brother was similar. My parents were not physically able to stop him - he was too strong. Me and DB no longer speak. My parents barely speak to him (whereas me and younger DB speak to them weekly).

You are right people don't talk about it almost like it's "normal" to be beaten up by a sibling.

It's not so much that he went NC, it's that we never had a relationship to begin with. We never did anything together or even talked. If I tried to talk to him as a child he just shouted at me and then the violence would start. He moved out when he was 18. Around that time I had a nervous breakdown and spent the rest of my teens in a psychiatric hospital. He never spoke to me on the phone or came to visit. When I got out I moved 300 miles away. We didn't speak again until our dad was dying, and even then it was just a few words. I get a text on my birthday or at xmas, which literally just says 'happy birthday/christmas' and I do the same, with a 'how are you' and a bit of chat but he almost never replies. I've tried reaching out to him so many times over the years, trying to initiate a chat, suggesting we meet up, offering my home if he'd like a holiday. Texts go unanswered. He didn't answer the phone the few occasions I tried to call. He's not interested so I gave up.

So sorry you went through this, he sounds like a bully, but in your home.
I experienced this from my brother with age difference of 8 years, you have no chance of defending yourself. I am sure it effected my confidence and held me back from my potential. I think it should me made more public, and help available.
My mum was too sick to care, and dad too weak. Get on fine now though.

This post so touched a chord with me as i endured sibling aggression and violence when i was younger.
My brother used to hit me and leave me with bruises, humiliate me and belittle me in front of people and spit at me. He once totally humiliated me at a family gathering and no one stood up for me. My parents were quite indifferent towards me especially my dad. Every time he abused me my mum would just tell me not to take any notice as he dosnt mean it. I remember going to my mum crying and asking her to make him stop. Many a time i would run to my room to escape him but he would force his way in and wreck my bedroom, smash things to pieces.

Needless to say my self esteem and self confidence plummeted and i am quite sure this was the reason i found it hard to make friends. I just wanted to fade into the back ground so that no one would notice me. I had one friend whose house i used to go to sometimes and i was always surprised that her brother didnt abuse her the way mine did. It was so normal for me. I thought all brothers were like mine.

I did speak to my mum some years ago about all this and she realises she should have stepped in and done something. My brother and i have never spoken about it but my mum said he feels very guilty about it.

I feel better for realising after reading this post that i wasnt overthinking.

Sorry OP i cant offer any advice.

I know what you mean about wanting to fade into the background, and about friends. I only really had one friend at school because I felt so different from everybody else, like I couldn't relate to anyone because they all seemed carefree and talked about fun stuff they did at the weekends and after school, whereas home life was awful for me. We never did anything together as a family and were largely ignored. And yes to being surprised that other people's brothers weren't like that.

My brother would humiliate me and smash things up too. I remember he threw a fountain pen at his bedroom wall and the ink went everywhere. He told my parents it was me, but my dad knew it wasn't. One of my earliest memories is of my brother whispering in my ear, 'Throw this shoe at Dad's head'. So I did, and it broke his glasses. My dad knew my brother was behind it, I was only about 4, and he got smacked horribly and repeatedly for that.

I'm glad you've realised you're not overthinking. Likewise, it's really helpful for me to hear other people's experiences after being laughed at and told it was no big deal. As if you can 'not take any notice' of someone hitting you.

I just found this interesting thread, and hope it is ok to jump on belatedly.
I am so sorry this happened to you. What was the name of the memoir you read? I've only been able to find Educated by Tara Westover, in which she details her brother's abuse and her parents' lack of support. My new memoir My Father's Suitcase is my story of sibling abuse, mostly by my late sister but also my older brother. When parents do not support a victim, or blame them, or do not believe them, it creates a second wound.

I'm so sorry you went through all of this. Your parents knew exactly what was going on and turned a blind eye. My parents used to let my older sister bully and hit me, literally just let it happen in front of them. It improved a bit when a visiting relative called her out on it, but didn't stop till I punched her back in the face one day. But it took 15 years to get big enough.

Your parents should have stoppped him. You might want to tell them this, or let it lie, but they were meant to protect you and did not. I have never bothered to tell my parents how shit they were.

Thank you.
My parents died a while back and my sister died last year, which meant I could write my book.
Luckily my children are close and I'm close to them. A healthier branch over in Australia

I was at the bottom of the pile in a blended family. Two adult male step brothers, and one full male sibling.

I was bullied relentlessly and it has affected me badly. I still struggle with the way I was treated over the years and how it was ignored. I want to run away far from my family but I can't because my mother is getting on and has a heart condition, and I know it will be down to me to take care of her when she gets too bad.

Siblings bicker, that's normal. violence is not.

I wanted to cut off from my birth family completely, in fact a psychiatrist advised this as he said my mother and aunt were enabling the violence, but I couldn't do this to mum and my aunt. I looked after them to the end, and now have no contact with my brother. I was relieved when my sister died last year as I felt safe at last. I had tried everything to fix things and help her (she suffered from schizoid affective disorder) and was really let down by NZ's mental health system

One time, I remember running to my room, away from him, and trying to shut my bedroom door which had glass panels. He punched through one of the panels and badly cut his hand. My mum was hysterical and screaming that I'd killed him.
@user983980098 why on earth did your mum think that? Did she enable him?

@user983980098
I'm so sorry this happened to you and all of the others on here. It's absolutely horrific.

I would cut your violent abusive brother off completely for what he did to you.

I can only imagine his lack of response to you, is because you contacting him reminds him of how appalling he was to you, and he can't face you, because he's a coward of the biggest order.

I don't think abusers change and I bet he's gone through life doing the same to other women.

Reading this brought back a memory of my childhood. I was with a friend at her house. All good and calm having a lovely time, and then her brother came home. Walked through the door, got her on the floor, and punched the life out of her. I just stood there frozen in shock, but I think for her this was normal.

Yes, it was Educated. It was brilliant. I cried so much reading it.

I'm really sorry you experienced this too. I will read your book.

@CinnamonJellyBeans I don't understand how parents can let their kids do this. It shouldn't have had to get to that point. I'm sorry you had to suffer that for so long. Do you have any contact with your sister now? I've never bothered raising any of this stuff with my mother. She's like a child and in her own world, she wouldn't get it.

@offyoujollywelltrot that must've been so difficult growing up. I'm not surprised it still affects you now and you want to run away. Where is your full sibling brother? Can't he take care of her when the time comes? I've pretty much already decided I won't be taking care of my mother; my brother can do it.

@DoreenonTill8 He was definitely her favourite. She was really nasty to me when I was a teenager because I developed severe depression (perhaps unsurprisingly) and was jealous of the 'attention' (i.e. appropriate parental care) I was getting from my dad. I think she just turned me into the scapegoat and probably complained about me to my brother.

@OhDearMuriel I have wondered if it's related to guilt for how he treated me. He sent me his annual happy birthday text a few week ago (that's literally all they say, happy birthday). I replied with 'thanks, how are things?' and of course there was no response. I find it very odd that he still sends this annual message but nothing else. I think it's probably time to stop responding to them.

Robyn Davidson's new book An Unfinished Woman has a thread of sibling abuse, from her older sister Margaret. Not one reviewer or interviewer mentioned it, but I did, in this review on Newtown Review of Books (Michael Jongen has a wonderful review of my book on that site, too)

Yes I experienced this too. And I remember one time a fought back and I got into trouble for making nail marks on my brother's skin. What my parents hadn't seen was everything before it led me to that.

Also remember fighting over a game of monopoly and he laughed chef himself over the board to fight me and my skirt rose up past my pants. Both of us had friends over and they both saw and just watched us fight...

Amazingly we are close friends now but yeh, my childhood was shit because of him

I am so sorry you experienced this awful abuse as a child. Some therapy to talk it over sounds like it could be helpful as the book has reignited new reflections