Sibling violence

[user983980098]

When I was a child, my brother used to beat me up a lot. He was seven years older than me and strong.

He would come up to me and start punching me, knock me to the ground and continue punching. I had so many bruises that my parents took me to the GP because they thought I was ill. I didn't dare tell my dad because on the few occasions he witnessed it himself, my brother would be physically punished and I always felt like it was my fault. One time, I remember running to my room, away from him, and trying to shut my bedroom door which had glass panels. He punched through one of the panels and badly cut his hand. My mum was hysterical and screaming that I'd killed him. My dad came to talk to me at least and said he knew it wasn't my fault, but I still felt like it was.

I tried to tell a teacher once but she just cut me off and laughed. She said all brothers and sisters fight. But it wasn't a fight, it was just me getting punched over and over. I never mentioned it to anyone again and have mostly put it out my mind for 25 years. My brother and I don't really have any contact - his choice, not mine.

I recently read a memoir by someone who talked about her own sibling's violence against her and it got me thinking about it again. Then, I saw an awful scene on TV where a man punched a woman and she hit him back in defence, so he hit her twice as hard, repeatedly. It brought back memories of when I'd tried to hit my brother in self defence but all it did was make him punch me more, and harder.

I never really see it talked about. What are other people's experiences of this?

I suffered sibling abuse terribly off my 3 older sisters. Sometimes, it was violence, but mostly, it was nastiness. I couldn't have friends or boyfriends or anything good. They'd tell lies and torment me all the time. I think this is why I don't have many female friends. Any sign of drama, and I'm out of the friendship.

I told my dad about it when I was in my 20s. He was heartbroken that I never told him. He thought my acting out was because of something he did, when it honestly wasn't. My dad said his piece to my sisters, and they don't really talk much now. I moved 250 miles away, and I live a good life without any of them in it. I haven't spoken to them in over 10 years, by choice.

Sibling abuse is rarely spoken about. It needs to be discussed more as it happens way more than what people want to believe.

My brother is still very much around, but he won't have a clue how to be carer due to him being so fucking oblivious unless something affects him directly.

@user983980098 I pretend to like my sister, but she is like an annoying stupid neighbour that you exchange pleasantries and platitudes with when you you're forced to. It avoids arguments.

I didn't really like my parents a lot, especially my mum. I work much harder and longer hours than my mum ever did and still have time and care for my children. Her poor parenting made me a much better parent, as it was so obvious what not to do. I am the sibling who does the most for her in widowhood and when she dies, I'm getting a new bathroom. I'm not bitter. My life turned out well.

user983980098 you might be interested in this article of mine that was published on /Monday. You are not alone. It's a widespread probem that we ignore. www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/news-life/haunted-me-why-sibling-abuse-is-the-forgotten-abuse/news-story/820213528c0540a5dd69e21aba283726

It sounds like he learned that behaviour from your father and unfortunately was a product of his upbringing. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Broken nose at 2 as I was pushed off the top bunk bed. Multiple black eyes as a kid and another broken nose . Twisted my little finger behind my back until it snapped, it's bent and the tendon catches every time I bend it. Worse one was pillow over my face, I can still feel the pillow and punching to try and get free.

Weirdly I think it made me mentally strong but I have a trust issues.

I put my feelings to one side when niblings came along until they started talking to me in the same tone. I moved away for a long time.

I try not to think about it too much, my parents were shocked when I told them but I was mid 20s at the time and my dad had noticed the way I was put down and picked on every time we were in the same space

Thank you for this and the others in this chat.
It's certainly resonated with me.

One thing I would say is that I'm not sure you can just split it into Sibling rivalry and Sibling abuse.
I'm guessing it's a spectrum between the two.
I think in my childhood it was mainly rivalry but would occasionally spill over into abuse.

That’s terrible. I’m surprised your parents were shocked, how did they think you got those injuries?

I think my brother used to do the pillow over my face thing too. I’ve blocked a lot of it out. The overarching memory is of being powerless and unable to stop whatever it was that was happening.

Tickling was another one. Maybe that sounds ridiculous to some but being pinned down by somebody bigger and stronger than you and tickled relentlessly was torturous.

I think my parents allowed my brother to abuse me physically because they felt sorry for him. They knew I was smater, I outwitted him with no effort. I was clever, but it didn't protect me from violence. He didn't understand what he was doing, he didn't mean it, I provoked him (by bring right when he said something totally wrong).

I learnt to hide myself. That having a brain was a bad thing. That females should mould themselves around men. Be less clever. Hide your intelligence, don't look smart. If you outwit someone, they will hit you. You cannot complain. You were winding them up with your mouth. You just shut up and tolerate complete stupidity, because it comes from the mouth of a male.

It does not make for close relationships.

Really sorry, it must have been just awful, and all the worse because your parents didn't deal with it. They should have stopped him. It sounds like he was so angry and used you as his punchbag.
It was most definitely not your fault.

Sibing abuse is targeted abuse over a period of time and usually arises out of sibling rivalry. Some violence is retalitatory - sibling on sibling - but it becomes abuse when it is one sibling targeting another, in much the same way as in school bullying and intimate partner abuse.

I learnt to hide myself. That having a brain was a bad thing. That females should mould themselves around men. Be less clever. Hide your intelligence, don't look smart. If you outwit someone, they will hit you. You cannot complain. You were winding them up with your mouth. You just shut up and tolerate complete stupidity, because it comes from the mouth of a male.

@Snugglemonkey this reminds me of that Margaret Atwood quote, ‘men are afraid women will laugh at them; women are afraid men will kill them’ . I quickly learnt that everything was always my fault. Other people’s abusive behaviour was on me. I drove them to it. For much of my life I was terrified of upsetting men and blamed myself for their abusiveness.

I’m much better now but only because I’ve spent the last few years avoiding men!

@useuser983980098 that quote has resonated with me every time I have seen it. I absolutely understand why you would avoid men. Some day I will too.

I'm quite clumsy and played it down a lot so maybe I hid it well. I know something else happened when I was 10, I was 46 before I told anyone.

I got an apology later on in life but there's distance between us.

Sorry you went through similar things, .

Hmm, my bro had a flying temper and we fought often growing up, but in between we played too. As he was 3 years older than I, there was a point where I was strong enough to do as much damage in return, so it became less. The last one I smashed a racket over his head and my mum held him back from lunging at me. I remember thinking "OK, we've got too big to be doing this now, real damage could happen". We've never been physical since and do care about each other and socialise. I think he just about got away with not being too vicious generally, except one instance when I was about 5, which I'll always remember.

It happens a lot with siblings to a degree, but some is next level. Serious injuries occuring and you've got to wonder at the parents.

These accounts are so disturbing, Im so sorry to those who have gone through this.

my older brother was a bully (both to me and at school and later in life to my DM) and, while my DM largely turned a blind eye to his general teasing/ nastiness, she was always pretty strict on physical violence so I never experienced what you all have. Your parents really let you down.

I'd be interested to hear how your DBs turned out later in life. Do they ever spontaneously reform? Everyone thinks my DB is lovely and it baffles me that they can't see what an absolute knob his is.

My older brothers were both abusive. One seven years older and one four years older. My mother would take the ‘you’re both as bad as each other’ stance, completely ignoring the age and sex disparity, and the fact that I just wanted to get on with something quietly and would be sought out and attacked.

My family still have a habit or judging me harshly, criticising me, badmouthing me and feeling resentful if anything positive happens to me. I have got to the point where I recognise that my hoping they will wish me well is just harming me and limiting me in my life. I find it hard to hold on to this. I don’t want to feel angry and bitter, but I can’t see how else to sustain my perspective, so I can let them go.