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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What does he want from me

36 replies

Piscesplath · 09/10/2023 11:19

I’m going to try to make it short and sweet. I’m beginning to feel like I’m falling down. Uncertainty and depression creeps in. Single mom. Met this guy. Friends, he’s absolutely amazing with my kid. Feelings develop, we become closer. Not sexually but on a deeper level. He seems he’s super into me. Respects all about me. Gives me hope. Wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend quite quickly. After a while I’m like okay. Maybe tho is who I’ve been waiting for all my life. Plus he’s a great father figure for my child. We have a deep connection; best sex ever. Btw he is older than me. By over 10 years. We meet out families; it’s like a fairytale. After some time he says he’s going to be very busy with his work and projects. I’m like cool. I’m not demanding got my own life. After what seems absolute closenesses he goes a bit distant. After some time he also tells me he is not interested in sex anymore . That he is in this phase in his life. He stays at my place a lot. Still amazing with my kid. He’s nice to me but overnight it’s almost like he broke up with me and we became friends??? We do things together a lot literally like little family but I’m confused as hell. He’s affectionate with my kid. He cooks for us. Does things for me. Drives us places. Loooves my kid. Sometimes he gives me a hug. And that even rare. We watch movies at night and lie down on sofa together, close but not like cuddles. I take care of myself , I look really good . I’m fit. I’m fierce and talented. How can someone change so much so fast ? From saying how’s he wants to worship my body to literally giving me occasional hug. In a way I feel trapped af. My kids father is a total narcissist and doesn’t help much. My kid is so attached to my “bf” . What am I going to do? I’m in my prime and done so much work on myself after all abusive relationships. I thought that I’ve got it together. Has anyone been in situation like this before ? Any advice please please 🙏

OP posts:

Alphyn · 09/10/2023 13:27

You don’t say how long you’ve known him, how old your kid is or when you first introduced him to your kid. You sound like you were in quite a vulnerable place when you met him. I would be wary of his intentions towards your kid, it’s not healthy for your kid to be attached that soon especially if you don’t even know if the relationship has legs.

HowdidIgethereblownaway · 09/10/2023 13:39

Alphyn · 09/10/2023 13:27

This was my gut feeling too. Sounds like he is interested in your kid more.

Original poster

Piscesplath · 09/10/2023 18:12

Okay . My kid is 2. I have known him for a long time . We met before I was pregnant. We were mates. He known me through my pregnancy then through becoming single mom. Local friend you see a lot. With a job that requires all sorts of checks . He knew my kid from the start. And when we started hanging out as friends my child was always there because I’m with my child all day and all night . It just happened naturally. (Then I guess we developed feelings or I thought we did) I had to go away for a month and we kept in touch and with a lot of romantic messages and plans. I got back and somehow I agreed to be bf and gf. And I think rest of my story is explained in original post . I hope I clarified? Thank you

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 09/10/2023 18:15

Oh god please keep him away from your child - at least don’t leave them
unsupervised

Is this guy financially independent?

He is not relationship material and he is taking advantage of your nature by telling you he no longer wants sex

Get rid of him

Original poster

Piscesplath · 09/10/2023 18:17

We sometimes have deep conversations and he is quite a caring person. It’s like he decided from one day to another to cancel intimacy. He doesn’t even hold my hand , nothing. He is definitely more affectionate with my child. Like a real dad would be. If I had known from the start … that he is not interested in me in romantic way I would have been fine. I wasn’t even looking for a bf. I feel like he concealed that part. And here I am thinking wtf is wrong with me

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 09/10/2023 18:18

There is nothing wrong with you at all.

There is something deeply wrong with him though.

Does he live with you? Contribute financially?

category12 · 09/10/2023 18:19

Break up with him. Your dc is 2, he/she will forget this guy after a while. It's alarming and unhealthy that they are overly attached to him so soon.

Original poster

Piscesplath · 09/10/2023 18:19

Harsh but thank you for your honesty.
he is financially independent and generous. So am I really. He is never unsupervised with him.

OP posts:

Blough · 09/10/2023 18:20

You should never have allowed your baby to get ‘so attached’ to some random bloke, and do not allow the man to be affectionate with your baby, it’s inappropriate and weird. He’s hanging out with you to access your baby, for whatever reason, just think in basic safeguarding terms.

Watchkeys · 09/10/2023 18:21

And here I am thinking wtf is wrong with me

This leaves you open to abuse, and it's why you had an abusive relationship before. If your relationship doesn't make you feel good, you talk to your partner about it. If you can't, or if the outcome hasn't improved things, you leave. That's it. No judging who is wrong/right, who is crazy, who is abusive, who is too sensitive, none of it. If being open about your feelings with someone doesn't help, they are not for you.

Why are you asking us rather than him about what he wants from you? What stops you asking him?

Gloriousgardener11 · 09/10/2023 18:22

Keep him away from your child, he’s far too interested for this to be normal.

Original poster

Piscesplath · 09/10/2023 18:23

He stays with us sometimes on sofa.He’s got his own place. He doesn’t sleep in my bed. I co-sleep with my son. At the beginning when it was “normal “ we would spend some romantic time together when baby slept and I would go back to my bedroom.

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 09/10/2023 18:25

Alarm bells ringing here.

Keep him away from your child.

category12 · 09/10/2023 18:29

Look, the question is - do you want a sexless relationship for the rest of your life with someone who is more affectionate with your child than you?

No?

Then dump him.

Stop making excuses. Your child will be fine.

Tons of relationships don't work out - the trick is not to let it drag on. Fairytales are fairytales. Life is life.

rainbowstardrops · 09/10/2023 18:35

So he's suddenly not into you sexually but he enjoys being with your son.
Says it all really doesn't it?

Rosebud21 · 09/10/2023 19:31

Best case scenario he wants friendship/companionship with you. You seem to be hankering after a relationship, trying to understand why things have changed no that he no longer wants sex with you. Worst-case scenario he wants access to your child. I understand it's difficult when your in the situation but as the parent your responsibility lies with protecting your child by ending this friendship.

HowdidIgethereblownaway · 09/10/2023 20:03

Hi op, have you asked him what happened? It should be fine to ask when you know eachother for such a long time?
Perhaps something shamefull (in his mind) happened to him and he is embarrased so badly he'd rather keep you at armslength than tell you the truth?

FOJN · 09/10/2023 20:35

You've known him for ages, he got closer to you after you had a child and is no longer interested in you sexually now he knows he can be very involved in your life and your child's life without it. It's called grooming and starts with the parents.

His job checks only mean he's never been convicted of a crime. You have to be caught and tried to be convicted.

Maybe he's harmless but his sudden change of behaviour towards you but not your child would ring alarm bells for me.

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 20:45

Might be another narcissist.
It reads like he lovebombed you.
And now he is also withdrawing physical affection. Which is potentially a tactic to knock your self esteem by making you wonder if he has lost attraction. And he seems to think he can just continue to hang around you and your child as normal, even though he has totally just changed the goalposts. Narcissistic behaviour.

Hate to say it op but it walks and quacks like a duck. And he isn't very nice when you actually look at these actions. He steamroller into your life and now he's in he has changed.

It's not ok. It's not something you should tolerate. You should be fuming. And I'd seriously be having him step thr fuck back from my child. He's not their dad.

Original poster

Piscesplath · 10/10/2023 08:27

My gut feeling too . Narcs have levels of their narcissism and honestly if he is ,he must have master degree. How can someone pose as such caring and affectionate person to just do 180 in a day I don’t know. I agree with previous poster . I was in vulnerable position. Here he comes , a lot older , calm and soothing. Promising everything that makes me feel better and safe. With impeccable relationship with family, friends and everyone he meets. But now I think these are very barely scratch the surface relationships. Not deep and fulfilling. I think he mostly cares how people and society perceived him. It’s a bit devastating that I got tricked again. I want to make Clear that I am putting my child first . Always. I stupidly though it’s going to be better for my child to have both : mom and father figure. Maybe because my own Traditional upbringing and certain guilt I carry for being a single mom .

OP posts:

Blough · 10/10/2023 09:02

No need to analyse any man, read up on grooming, basic safeguarding and never let some bloke use you to access your child again.

Name99 · 10/10/2023 09:18

He played the long game, groomed you, got access to your child.
It's how it looks on paper isn't it.

Startingagainandagain · 10/10/2023 09:27

Sweetheart I am really sorry but this is a giant red flag.

The guy spotted someone who was vulnerable (single parent who had been through a bad relationship with a narcissist, younger) with a young child.

There is a strong possibility here that he has manipulated you so that you would get attached to him as your emotional support and he put on a good show to make you fall for him.

As other have said there is a strong possibility he is after your child.

None of what you described sounds normal or healthy.

Predators have a way to spot people who have been hurt in the past and know just how to push their buttons. They are always charming and supportive in the beginning.

End this now and focus on yourself and your kid and take time to heal before you even think of dating anyone else.

Maybe try to see if you can access some counselling to talk about relationships and spotting and avoiding unhealthy patterns.

I would also warn your circle of friends about this man and his behaviour.

Also don't beat yourself up for not spotting another Narc immediately.

I had a close male friend for 5 years who was charming, intelligent, generous, successful at work and kind. Then after 5 years I found out that all this time behind closed doors he had been physically and mentally abusing his ex-girlfriend. Nobody in my circle of friend spotted it until he also assaulted one of us and the mask finally came off. They are masters at hiding their true personality.

Watchkeys · 10/10/2023 09:41

Promising everything that makes me feel better and safe

Here it is, the crux of it all. Investigate investigate investigate what's behind this. Why do you want to feel better? Why don't already feel safe?

Stop analysing him, and why he would behave the way he has. Start analysing you, and why you felt the needs to feel better and safe.

Orio2023 · 10/10/2023 09:51

He did break up with you and didn’t tell you. Have you actually discussed this with him?

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