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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What does he want from me

36 replies

Piscesplath · 09/10/2023 11:19

I’m going to try to make it short and sweet. I’m beginning to feel like I’m falling down. Uncertainty and depression creeps in. Single mom. Met this guy. Friends, he’s absolutely amazing with my kid. Feelings develop, we become closer. Not sexually but on a deeper level. He seems he’s super into me. Respects all about me. Gives me hope. Wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend quite quickly. After a while I’m like okay. Maybe tho is who I’ve been waiting for all my life. Plus he’s a great father figure for my child. We have a deep connection; best sex ever. Btw he is older than me. By over 10 years. We meet out families; it’s like a fairytale. After some time he says he’s going to be very busy with his work and projects. I’m like cool. I’m not demanding got my own life. After what seems absolute closenesses he goes a bit distant. After some time he also tells me he is not interested in sex anymore . That he is in this phase in his life. He stays at my place a lot. Still amazing with my kid. He’s nice to me but overnight it’s almost like he broke up with me and we became friends??? We do things together a lot literally like little family but I’m confused as hell. He’s affectionate with my kid. He cooks for us. Does things for me. Drives us places. Loooves my kid. Sometimes he gives me a hug. And that even rare. We watch movies at night and lie down on sofa together, close but not like cuddles. I take care of myself , I look really good . I’m fit. I’m fierce and talented. How can someone change so much so fast ? From saying how’s he wants to worship my body to literally giving me occasional hug. In a way I feel trapped af. My kids father is a total narcissist and doesn’t help much. My kid is so attached to my “bf” . What am I going to do? I’m in my prime and done so much work on myself after all abusive relationships. I thought that I’ve got it together. Has anyone been in situation like this before ? Any advice please please 🙏

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2023 14:22

In future, don't let anyone near your child for a long while. I'd aim for at least a year. There's no reason a man you are dating should be a father figure to your child. I get that they may meet in passing before that, but he doesn't get to buddy up to your son until you've dated a lonnnnng time.

What your child needs is a happy mother, free from the manipulation and abuse of bad men.
Bare in mind in future, whirlwinds are usually not healthy. Healthy relationships grow organically over time, they don't push you to rush feelings or intimacy.

As for this guy...be aware that when you say this just working for you anymore because you clearly don't want the same things, he will likely backtrack and say he wants the intimacy. Or he will bold face lie and say you misunderstood him and he always wanted that. Or, he will try and convince you that it's silly or unfair to throw away what you have over this. Or that you should stay friends.

Your needs in a relationship are not to be disregarded like that. You were the one who went into things in good faith before he changed the rules. It's not you that's ended things, its him. Hes changed the dynamics to something unsuitable. You don't owe anyone a relationship. Let alone one that doesn't work for you.
And your needs are not silly. They are valid.

But it's best not to be drawn into debate with him as you'll only get gaslighting.

Just give it 'I've enjoyed your company in recent months however its become clear we are both looking for different things'.

If he pushes, simply reply, 'this is no longer working for me, I wish you all the best in future but let's draw a line under things here'.

It's perfectly fine to end it by text. But if you must do it in person, do it in a public place with people all around. Do not let him back in your home.
Once all is said and done, you'd also be wise to block his number.

Ps: don't beat yourself up. You have spotted it now. Dont doubt yourself. Normal people don't push for a relationship and then once in it go 'oh yeah so btw I don't want sex anymore' and then think the relationship can just continue as they want - as if it doesn't totally change things. I mean like, what the actual fuck mate? It's not normal to drop a bombshell and expect everyone to just shut up and be cool with it. It smacks of them thinking only their needs matter.

Piscesplath · 10/10/2023 17:58

Thank you soooo much for taking time to write this ! Your message really helped 💕

OP posts:
Catoo · 10/10/2023 21:55

Definitely throw this one back OP.
My spidey senses went off reading your post, creeped out, and agree with PP.

💐

Elderscrolling · 11/10/2023 01:10

You got to dump him. I had this-- sex is great and love bombing that suddenly stops although he still wants to live with you. He either is a paedo or he wants a cook cleaner pretend family.

BuffaloBelinda · 11/10/2023 06:59

Just to reassure you a bit about the 'deep attachment' part of this situation, I moved to another country when my dd was two for my husband's job. Away from our families.

My dd used to ask for certain people 'can we go and see Grandad today?' or whatever. Obviously I couldn't 'give in' because we couldn't have gone to see them but I was surprised when she just stopped asking after about two weeks.

I'm,sure your son has other people in his life. Friends will come and go. Don't place too much importance on this man's importance to your child.

SummerWhisper · 11/10/2023 08:15

@Pinkbonbon 's advice is spot on.

It could also be the case that he needs to be seen as a 'normal family man' as a cover for his predatory behaviour (if that's what he is). You are the perfect set-up for this and it might be this cover that he will fight for, rather than a relationship with you.

Piscesplath · 11/10/2023 10:07

At the beginning he was really keen on meeting my family and they liked him a lot! Straight away, almost like they were relieved I had someone “good” after all other fiascos… I met his parents very quick , which in the beginning I thought he loves me so much and wants to make it steady and he is proud of our relationship. Don’t get me wrong : his parents are amazing and adore my child. But now I think , it’s almost like he picked me and my child to make up for no real family of his own (at the age of 45) it’s like a perfect scenario when he doesn’t need a commitment of child on his own but gets benefits of it. And for sure benefits in the eyes of his own parents . I dunno if I make sense anymore but this feels like a game perfectly played now and I can not shake off the feeling.

OP posts:
Elderscrolling · 11/10/2023 13:49

Sounds like he wants a family but doesn't really want you specifically maybe?

You're too young to put up with this. The lack of sex will destroy your self esteem. You got to drop him

Newestname002 · 11/10/2023 14:46

@Piscesplath

Actually I don't need to say what I came to say as @Pinkbonbon has pretty much said it all, especially

Hes changed the dynamics to something unsuitable. You don't owe anyone a relationship. Let alone one that doesn't work for you.
And your needs are not silly. They are valid.

Stay strong and stay safe OP. 🌹

Pinkbonbon · 11/10/2023 19:15

Yeah id put money on him just wanting a house sevant. Seemed all generous in the beginning until he gets his feet under the table. Then it'd be like having another child to run after. They sell you sunshine and roses but once you're in it, its rainy day misery amd stale underpants.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/10/2023 21:37

Oh I don’t like the sounds of this
I’m not saying he has suspicious motive per se this but is Weird AF

so many of us miss the red flags

but I don’t like the sound of him around your kid AT ALL

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