It was 18 years ago

[Southislandsea]

Today, my ex-husband told me that, yes, he did actually sleep with one of the women he's been involved with in the past.
I'd always wondered and had a gut feeling, but I was still shocked to hear this today.
We've been apart for the last few years and separated as a result of his liaisons and other issues (temper outbursts for one).
Even so, I am actually shocked to discover that this happened about 18 years ago - several years before we actually parted.
I believed it to be no more than kissing and an emotional connection.
For years, he's insisted that's all it was, and I believed him.
Just need to tell someone.
I'm feeling quite numb.
And, she was one of my best friends and continued to be so for several years after the event!
But I knew something had gone on, and I drifted apart from her as she seemed odd.
She has a reputation for flirting and sleeping around with other married men and took delight in sharing the details with others.
(She only told me about flirting and how men would come on to her).
I just thought it was flirting and now realise the truth.
Of course, my husband was wrong, and he admits it.
But she played her part, and if I ever see her, I want to tell her to "go away."
Eff off
Am I really stupid, naive, or what?
For all these years, my husband told me it was just a kiss or two, and I believed him.
I'm just sitting here on my own.
Can't tell anyone, except all of you.

Relationships

Why can’t you tell anyone?

Grieve for a few days, then be relieved you don’t have to put up with his shit anymore

Thanks for reply.
Maybe I will tell someone eventually.
Just now, I can't even begin to process it.
We had parties and holidays and good times, and I didn't even know.
He was a figure in the community.
Others would be shocked.
She was my friend and I didn't even know.
Am I stupid?
Her marriage ended years after, and she's got a new one.
She's a massive troublemaker, and I was fooled by her.
She would be in my home and I had no idea.
And yes, him too, of course.
Just the whole thing going round in my head.
He said he's nearly told me before and regrets it.
Only loved me.
Well, it doesn't feel like that!
He chose someone else.
It hurts, and I feel rubbish.

Mumsnet...please can you move this to Relationships?
Thanks
I can't do it, sorry

Thank you for moving my post to Relationships.

I'm still in shock that we continued as married for many years, and never knew this had happened.
I've not slept at all and instead have spent the whole night going through scenarios, time lines, recalling times spent with my "friend".
And my ex husband?!
He chooses to tell me now we are separated.
It's completely thrown me.
Memories of some good times we had are now changed in my head.

You've got to let this go . Yes it happened whilst you were still married , and being to one of your friends at the time is a double betrayal , but 18 years have passed since , and also by the sound of it he carried on seeing other women behind your back.
You are thankfully now not with him , so he is not worth your current horror and upset
Don't allow him in to invade your emotions , be free of all his shit.

Thanks, you're right, I need to let go.
It don't find it easy though.
There's another whole layer of stuff to process and let go of.
Maybe he shouldn't have told me, but I've always had a suspicion.
And I believed him when he kept denying that anything had happened.
He's messed with my head as well as my heart.
My life is so messed up.
Would we have separated all those years ago if I'd found out?
I was so busy with three young children.
Things could have been different.
I continued to put up with his issues for many years after.

What you need to consider is why he told you now? What was he wanting to achieve?

Jesus, what a piece of shit. I'm so sorry OP.
This must be a real head fuck and now you are sitting there imaging every scenario and every event and probably coming up with every worst case scenario you can think of.
its ok for people to say, you need to get over it, but it isn't that easy. All I can say is get really fucking mad at him if you want or need to. Do what you need to do for you and try not to delve into too many situations in your mind, trying to figure them out.
He took away a big chunk of your life by lying to you and taking away any choice you had in the matter. I mean wtf is wrong with these men? Selfish ignorant arseholes who lie like that, just so they get what THEY want.
Well its now time to get what YOU want. And if that means regular thoughts of him under the patio, so be it.
But be glad he is now well and truly out of your life and you can now start living for you. And not him.

He said he's nearly told me in the past and has now done so.
He said he's carried the guilt for years and also because I've continued to ask him about her and doubt the story.
At Ieast, I know I was right, although I'm still so shocked.
What I mean is I knew "something" had happened between them, but honestly, I didn't think it had gone that far.
And it's her bare faced cheek, carrying on being my friend for many years as if nothing had happened.
I can't think straight, and I think that's reflected in my posts above.
Applogies.

I found out that my hb had a fumble with his friends gf . It happened not long after we got together . We were very young , all late teens . I always had a gut feeling that something had gone on as he would not hear criticism of her and it was obvious he had put her on a pedestal despite her openly despising him . He confessed after her death many years later . In a way it was a relief as it just confirmed what I suspected despite him denying it .

It’s a shock because you are now having to rewrite the past. Once you have gotten over the shock I think you will be relieved that you can once and for all put it to bed.

He said he's nearly told me in the past and has now done so. He said he's carried the guilt for years

And now he has freed himself. Well done him.

Call me cynical but did he have form for wanting you to feel rubbish and hurt @Southislandsea ?

No need to apologise at all, you need to process this but you also need to be aware that he told you for a reason.

No need to be apologetic about the way you're feeling @Southislandsea as it doesn't matter that this thing happened 18 years ago, you've just found out now. It's new and raw coupled with the fact that you had suspicions all that time and yet you were told otherwise. It's a double-whammy finding out the truth but also finding out that the pair of them are able to lie so convincingly. This is going to take you a long time to process so be kind on yourself. If it goes round and round in your head, let it, but also allocate some time to some sort of mindfulness practice where you try to focus on the present moment or get outside and concentrate on nature. I really feel for you. People can be right shits, but not every person in the world is like this, remember that.

What a turd the man is.
You can’t change the past but trust yourself that the good times were good. Can you reframe that you are more able to cope with it now than you would have been able to then? Could it actually be better this way?

Make sure that shit of a man can’t hurt you again by cutting him out.

If you ever see your ‘friend’ again I wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow in her direction.

Plan some treats for yourself OP. Celebrate that these people are out of your life. Spend time with people who love you.

Hi OP, I found out last year that my husband of many, many years (20+) had been sleeping with an ex when we were actively tring to conceive (18 years ago), and he had been planning to leave me for her, right up until I announced I was pregnant.
He lied to me throughout our relationship and marriage about what had happened, and when the truth came out, it was the end for me. He moved out the day after I found out, and we are now divorced, with all the "fun" resultant impacts on our children, wider family and lives. I could not forgive his betrayal.
While I have a lot of feelings about the OW - she did not owe me anything. He was the one who broke his promises and betrayed our marriage. It serves no one to hold her responsible and excuse him.

EDITED to add timing of the cheating

Yes, that's kind of how I feel.
I feel both partly relieved and also somewhat vindicated, that my gut feeling was right, but I'm still shocked.
I also feel that I have to "rewrite the story," and that's painful.

In what context did he decide to tell you now?

It can’t have been just to relieve his sense of guilt because that would have eased by now.

Does he want to hurt and punish you for something - is he feeling contempt? Are things shit for him or good for you currently?

Your mind and body is in shock and will be knitting together all those jarring moments from the past. Allow yourself to process and feel what you need to. You might go through the whole cycle shock , anger , hurt, sadness, finally acceptance hopefully indifference. But it might take some time.

I think many cheaters only fess up totally when there's nothing left to lose.

He must feel you two are absolutely done and dusted, no chance of reconciliation, and the financial side worked out without you being extremely angry, bitter, maybe not being as reasonable and easygoing as you may have been not knowing for sure he was unfaithful with your "friend".

I also feel that I have to "rewrite the story," and that's painful.

I think you've said he was unfaithful with other women (?)

It may be worse because it was a (pretend) friend, but really it's just more along the same lines. He took his opportunities.... She has a history of cheating with attached men. Birds of a feather flock together.Given he's a cheating slapper and she's a nasty slapper who cheats with attached men, it was somewhat inevitable it would happen; that's the sort of creatures they are. I find it incredible that eg degenerate murdering couples find each other and hook up; it's hardly a surprise that narcissistic, opportunistic, promiscuous, cheating wankers do. I suppose they are drawn like magnets as soon as they come into each others presence.

If I were you, I doubt I'd be able to resist writing an anonymous message to her husband saying "watch your wife well; she has a long history of cheating with attached men".

(including her friends' husbands).

Thank you for all your messages, and my apologies if I don't respond to them all.
Sorry, some of you've had similar experiences.
My guess is that he's told me now because he's got nothing to lose, as one of you mentioned.
He knows it's over between us and therefore kind of easier to tell me now.
I'm still numb and so shocked.
The other women situations were not full affairs like this one with my friend.
He slept with her a few times when I was at home with my little ones!
How did I not realise when it was almost right in front of me?!
Our children were friends, and she'd call at our house and so on.
I've no idea if her new husband knows about her past.
She also told my ex-husband about other men she'd had flings with!
I know some of them!
I feel sorry for her first husband.
Well, I'm mad with my ex-husband, but I don't even think it's worth saying anything.
I might tell him I never want to see or speak to him again.
It's mainly because of family ties and illnesses that we have some contact.
I've been too soft all along, always giving in and saying yes.
Broken trust from husband and friends hurts so much.
I'll try to keep on fixing myself and getting stronger.
All this carry-on for years has really affected me.

Yes I would be taking yourself right out of his orbit.

Though I wouldn’t give him the pleasure of informing him or any of your energy by getting angry - I would be cold, detached, dismissive.

He doesn’t deserve your contact or politeness.

Don’t fall for diverting your feelings all to her - she owed you nothing - he is 100% accountable.

Him telling you is so self-serving and emotionally incontinent - it’s hugely disrespectful and aimed to relieve him and punish you.

Yes pivot your focus away from this character and and look to repair and resolve all of the damage he has done to you. Are you able to access professional support?

Hi
Yes, I do have some good support in place, thankfully.
The last few days have not been good.
He says he regrets telling me, and he can see it's just caused me more pain.
Whilst it's true that I'm so upset, I also kind of needed to know.
A heated exchange took place with him, and I said words in anger and emotional distress.
I lost it all a bit saying stuff about him and her, asking questions and swearing.
He said sorry again and how he shouldn't have told me. And then I end up feeling almost sorry for him, saying his life is over and so on.
What an absolute mess.
I'm on medication for my depression. I've been trying to pick myself up these last few years since we separated.
I've got to leave it now.
Otherwise, it's spiral and I've been there before.

Funny he’s the victim of this now!

Spectacular display of DARVO and gaslighting.

He continues to cause you deep hurt - he is not the place to resolve anything.

You need him well and truly distanced from your life otherwise he will continue to sabotage and derail your recovery from him....

I can see that, but it's so difficult inside my mind not to doubt.
It's always been like this.
I HAD to talk about it and ask questions.
On the other hand, he didn't want to at all and tried to take excuses.
His way is to say, "move on, forgive, such a long time ago, can't remember," and so on.
I just can't get over it and the other issues.
So when he acknowledged he was wrong and said sorry, but I can't take him back, then I feel conflicted.
It's too much for me.
My evangelical church background encourages forgiveness, but it's not possible.
Forgetting is also out of the question, because everything will always "be there" in my mind.