It was 18 years ago

[Southislandsea]

Today, my ex-husband told me that, yes, he did actually sleep with one of the women he's been involved with in the past.
I'd always wondered and had a gut feeling, but I was still shocked to hear this today.
We've been apart for the last few years and separated as a result of his liaisons and other issues (temper outbursts for one).
Even so, I am actually shocked to discover that this happened about 18 years ago - several years before we actually parted.
I believed it to be no more than kissing and an emotional connection.
For years, he's insisted that's all it was, and I believed him.
Just need to tell someone.
I'm feeling quite numb.
And, she was one of my best friends and continued to be so for several years after the event!
But I knew something had gone on, and I drifted apart from her as she seemed odd.
She has a reputation for flirting and sleeping around with other married men and took delight in sharing the details with others.
(She only told me about flirting and how men would come on to her).
I just thought it was flirting and now realise the truth.
Of course, my husband was wrong, and he admits it.
But she played her part, and if I ever see her, I want to tell her to "go away."
Eff off
Am I really stupid, naive, or what?
For all these years, my husband told me it was just a kiss or two, and I believed him.
I'm just sitting here on my own.
Can't tell anyone, except all of you.

Relationships

Do you think it's worse because the OW was my friend?
I still can't believe it.
She was socialising with me at the same time it was going on, and I was oblivious!
My ex H would be together with her at times through work and that's how their affair developed.
She also told him about her affairs with other men! At the same time, she was telling me that all these men were after her.
She was incredibly flirtatious around other men, and I would often be embarrassed to see it. I firmly believed that my ex H and her were just friends.
Think it's called "trust".
At a later stage, I did wonder and would question him and again trusted his account.
It was a gradual revelation, "just good friends, reliable at work, we got too close, hugs, just one kiss, and then, finally, this recent admission that they had sex several times....years ago!!
My mind is all over the place, trying to work out a timeline.
Was that when I had a coffee with her or a playdate with our children?
The fact she was my friend doubly hurts.
Of course, ex-husband was unfaithful to me.
I no longer believe a word he tells me.
He got involved with another woman years later, and that's when I started to question the past more.
He deeply regrets it, but the damage is done.

Do you think it's worse because the OW was my friend?
I still can't believe it.

No. It’s because you thought your DH was your friend.

You are misplacing your anger.

It’s normal for your mind to rummage through the filing cabinet in your head to try to reconcile some things that from years ago. Allow yourself to feel the hurt and betrayal from your xH - but focus more on that he has casually chosen to hurt you deeply and irrevocably in the present in order to selfishly relieve himself of some long held guilt.

This fits with his nasty repeated pattern of infidelity.

But try not to be too distracted by this - instead switch your mind to living in the present.

You need to be putting in active steps (v LC or NC) to emotionally protect yourself from someone why is capable of repeatedly causing your trauma.

What is the bit about not being able to have him back ? Is that what he wants / wanted?

Thanks, and I know it's more about him, but it's all such a mess in my head.
Her and I were friends for a long time, both before and after the affair.
Our children were friends.
I did stop speaking to her a few her ago when I realised a bit more about her.
It's difficult to explain everything.
I suppose I gradually became more wary and then at same time my then husband was unfaithful again.
So I suppose I started to question more.
He wants to get back together but I've made it more than clear absolutely never.
Because of family problems it's difficult to go completely non contact.
And I also question what I consider my weakness, can't say no, doubt you mind and so on.
Therapy is helping me with this thankfully.

He wants to get back together but I've made it more than clear absolutely never.

There it is.

He wants to get back together.

Is he low on cash? Does he want someone to care for him? Was the grass not greener?

But you are not complying - so he has lashed out in deliberate spite to punish you by telling you this.

You have no need to doubt yourself - your rage is warranted - but it’s no surprise you doubt yourself if you lived a life with a serial gas-lighting cheat.

Your mind and body sensed things were off but he distracted, denied, covered his tracks.

Keep going with your therapy.

I am sure that you can keep a distance. For example there would never ever be an opportunity for him to be able to have conversations like this. Freeze him out. Only communicate by text around specific family issues. Give him zero info about your life and feelings.

@Gloriously thank you for all your messages.
I can't fully understand why he's told me now, and I'm still reeling from the shock.
I'm going to try and follow your advice.