How often do you have sex?

Marshmellow1 · 2023-10-08T10:57:25+00:00

Personal question I know…! I use to have a high sex drive, my partner has a low sex high drive / not interested in sex really. He says sex for him gives him anxiety, anxiety over performance and for him it’s just easier to not have sex. Slowly over time I’ve just got use to not having sex. We were watching something on tv lastnight and my husband was saying do people really have sex every week, how do they do it?! Before my marriage, I’d had a really healthy sex life in previous relationships, having sex a few times a week. Life is different now, I have a nearly 4 year old. She goes to bed at 7, we have the time to have sex but he’s not up for it. How important is sex? The last time we had sex was back in June and before that was February. I’m lucky to have sex 3 times a year these days 😅. Can it work forever without sex?! Or am I fair to maybe discuss it with my husband?!

MinnieMountain · 08/10/2023 12:02

If it’s important to you, discuss it. That’s completely fair but I suppose you’ll have to word if carefully to not put too much pressure on.
My sex drive has reduced due to the peri-menopause. We average twice a week. I know DH would like more as he’s said but he doesn’t pressurise me.

Marblessolveeverything · 08/10/2023 12:04

With ex dh it went from weekends only to very sporadic.

With current partner typically every second day, more on holidays less when both wrecked.

It's a very important part of a relationship to both of us. We both have been in relationship a where lack of sex impacted on our well being.

The numbers don't matter the matching of drive does.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 08/10/2023 12:05

Dh gets up at 4.30am during the week so we usually have it a couple of times over the weekend and/or oral sex

SpringCalling · 08/10/2023 12:08

currently not at all as recovering from an op. can't wait until can resume!! with current DP as we live separately due to kids, it's most nights we're together. if we're on holiday etc every night. my previous relationship was dead sexually, never again!

ShippingNews · 08/10/2023 12:08

Have you and DH always had such unbalanced sex drives ? It seems odd to me that you are asking about this now, after being together for years. And you really don't need to ask a bunch of strangers if it's OK to ask your husband about this - you're married ! Ask !

Original poster

Marshmellow1 · 08/10/2023 12:17

We have always had unbalanced sex drives, to be honest and I know it sounds daft, it sounds silly even to me now but I thought things would get better. He was a virgin when I met him at 24. He was and is a good looking guy, sociable, I was surprised but he grew up in a really strict household so I put it down to that. If anything it’s got worse. He says he has performance anxiety, I try and make him feel confident and compliment him etc but I don’t know how to get over that? I wonder if it’s not that though, he doesn’t really have sexual desire?! I’d have sex every day if I had the choice! It’s not just the sex side of it but the intimacy, being close, feeling wanted. I don’t feel good, I feel like I’m not attractive or I’m doing something wrong? He’s 34 too, in good shape, attractive

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 08/10/2023 12:23

Whether it can work without sex totally depends on the couple I think. If both people have a low sex drive and have your partner’s attitude of “I can take it or leave it” then yes I don’t think it would be a problem having a sexless relationship, as sex is low priority for both people. However, as you’ve said you do have a higher sex drive and you would like to have sex more, I think you should definitely speak to him about it. Maybe he doesn’t realise how important it is to you?

JIMMI85 · 08/10/2023 13:19

It really depends on how important sex and or intimacy is to couples in a relationship. Personally, I think it is a Huge part of a successful relationship but I’m well aware not everyone will share that opinion.

I’ve had relationships where it’s been non existent but with my current it’s every time we see each other ( 4 nights week) and often multiple times during that day/night. We both have high sex drives, and we both find each other attractive so it works perfectly for us.

dementedpixie · 08/10/2023 13:24

Tends to be once a week on a Sunday morning. Dh gets up really early during the week and at night falls asleep on the couch so we never have sex at night. Sunday morning suits as the kids are teens and not awake.

Dillane · 01/11/2023 23:44

She's a great looking woman, especially for near 40.

Poor old lass 🙄

Dillane · 01/11/2023 23:47

Sorry wrong thread 🤦🏻‍♀️

AgentJohnson · 02/11/2023 08:26

Well now you know, his sex drive didn’t improve. The ‘hoping it would change’ was a high risk strategy that has backfired.

Neither of you are wrong in your feelings about sex and given both of your expectations around sex, I can’t see the compromise either. You can’t have physical intimacy with someone who doesn’t want it.

Your simply doesn’t want sex and you have to deal with the reality of that and base your next move on that reality.

ThePeachAnt · 10/04/2024 16:03

Marshmellow1 · 08/10/2023 12:17

We have always had unbalanced sex drives, to be honest and I know it sounds daft, it sounds silly even to me now but I thought things would get better. He was a virgin when I met him at 24. He was and is a good looking guy, sociable, I was surprised but he grew up in a really strict household so I put it down to that. If anything it’s got worse. He says he has performance anxiety, I try and make him feel confident and compliment him etc but I don’t know how to get over that? I wonder if it’s not that though, he doesn’t really have sexual desire?! I’d have sex every day if I had the choice! It’s not just the sex side of it but the intimacy, being close, feeling wanted. I don’t feel good, I feel like I’m not attractive or I’m doing something wrong? He’s 34 too, in good shape, attractive

We have sex weekly and I am in my late 40s. Wow there are ex spouses that sleep together more than you and your current husband. I personally could not be in any type of relationship and deprive myself sex on a regular basis, minimum is 4-5 times in a month. At one point time my husband and I had sex everyday and I loved every minute of it. My husband is getter older but he still gives it to me and keeps a smile on my face.

Cazzovuoi · 10/04/2024 16:09

We are quite active and probably the outliers but we average 4 times a week.

I am a very sexual person and it's an important part of intimacy for me along with emotional and mental intimacy. I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to have sex with me.

YellowIsTheSun · 10/04/2024 16:15

With dh of 18 years, usually once a day with the odd day off. When we’re on holiday/off work it’s normally twice a day. I agree with pp its’s about matching drive rather than what anyone else does…if either partner isn’t happy with the amount of sex that’s a big issue that needs addressing or it can lead to other problems in the marriage.

Watchkeys · 10/04/2024 16:47

I don’t know how to get over that

You don't. If you want intimacy, step 1 is to listen to your partner:

'He says sex for him gives him anxiety, anxiety over performance and for him it’s just easier to not have sex'

He's telling you clearly how it is for him. Why do you think that 'the solution' for you will be the same as 'the solution' for him, given that you want to have more sex, and he doesn't want to have sex?

Shoemadlady · 10/04/2024 17:00

Marshmellow1 · 08/10/2023 12:17

We have always had unbalanced sex drives, to be honest and I know it sounds daft, it sounds silly even to me now but I thought things would get better. He was a virgin when I met him at 24. He was and is a good looking guy, sociable, I was surprised but he grew up in a really strict household so I put it down to that. If anything it’s got worse. He says he has performance anxiety, I try and make him feel confident and compliment him etc but I don’t know how to get over that? I wonder if it’s not that though, he doesn’t really have sexual desire?! I’d have sex every day if I had the choice! It’s not just the sex side of it but the intimacy, being close, feeling wanted. I don’t feel good, I feel like I’m not attractive or I’m doing something wrong? He’s 34 too, in good shape, attractive

Only you can say how important sex is to you. I think it's important and not just the sex but the intimacy. If there's no intimacy then that's hard. It was / is important to me, so much so that my marriage ended over my DH's inability to tackle why he didn't want to share that with me.

Robrat · 10/04/2024 17:04

I think it would be helpful to talk to your DP about your desire for sex and how important it is for you. It seems that with the right work, be it therapy around his anxiety or his strict upbringing and an understanding of why he has issues/anxiety around sex then he could enjoy it and you could have a good sex life. Does he masturbate? If he does then I suppose the desire is there but he needs to work on being able to feel comfortable with you, relax and express himself sexually. Given that this has been going on for 10 years I would suggest maybe he needs some profession input from a therapist.

Watchkeys · 10/04/2024 17:15

but he needs to work on being able to feel comfortable with you, relax and express himself sexually

No, he doesn't. He's allowed to feel anxious about sex and decide not to have it. He doesn't 'need' to mould himself to OP's sex drive.

BigPussyEnergy · 10/04/2024 17:17

I’ve recently split with BF of a year because he felt pressure to have sex to keep me happy, when he didn’t really have the drive for it. He’s 45 and suffers with anxiety and depression. I’m 50 with various medial issues including menopause, but I’m on HRT and it’s important to me, for the emotional closeness as well as being physically fun. My friend is in a similar situation, it seems that many women our age are finding their libido again but the men just don’t have the desire anymore.

XBF said that all couples go off the boil after the first few months but I was with my ex for 10 years and we still did it every time we saw each other (3/4 times a week) and sometimes twice in a day, whereas recent XBF struggled with finding the energy/motivation once a week. He always enjoyed it at the time of course, but said it wasn’t a priority for him. There’s no ‘normal’ it’s just about trying to find someone who’s a reasonably good match desire-wise.

Secondstart1001 · 11/04/2024 23:14

@Marshmellow1 I do really feel for you as that’s such a long time. We usually average 3 times a week, I’d like more but it would be too much for DP (he’s 42 and I’m 46 but sometimes feel I’m the one that’s younger). I often think I would suit someone who would have sex everyday but every thing else in the relationship is good. We used to have more in first few years so I’m a bit sad for the decline, but when we have it it’s always good and a nice long session. Of course you want to feel desired and wanted .., your DP is your only romantic partner so who else are you going to get it from? What about if you were to give each other a massage without the expectation of sex? Would that work for you or would you end up sexually frustrated? Does he compliment you or make you feel good in other ways?

Secondstart1001 · 11/04/2024 23:16

And yes I think you should discuss it with him.

SportGirl · 26/05/2024 09:02

I have a high sex drive so usually at least a couple times a day

SmiteTheeWithThunderbolts · 26/05/2024 09:10

OLD THREAD

OP posted in October, then it was dormant until May.

Dazzler27 · 27/08/2024 13:43

Blimey can't believe some of the supposed time people take. Id be well bored and so would my partner. As a bloke once it's in I'm done in a few minutes esp if my OH has got me in the mood with her hands . Embarrassingly the other day once it was in I was done in seconds as it had been a while ! I think some blokes here are telling porkies