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Original poster

Is there any way I could possibly have ’casual’ dates/dating, without having to have sex?

71 replies

DidIMissOut · 08/10/2023 11:10

Don’t laugh! Please.
Although you already may have.

So, here’s tl thing I don’t want to have sex, I won’t go yo details, don’t worry. But vecause of that, no one has ever wanted a relationship with me.
And I was just wondering that if there was some other ways, yo have some ’needs’ met.
So, we’d still go on some dates, sit closely to watch a movie, make dinner, spend time just the two of us without hurry, to have that closeness and intimicy.
There’s just si much that is mussing in my life and it’s making me unhappy.

I know this is most likely stupid thing for most people, but I’m just wondering….

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 10/10/2023 10:41

I'm asexual and quite honestly not interested in cuddling or anything either, I have gay male friends I go out with. You get all of the hugs and kisses and a good time without any of the stuff you don't want.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/10/2023 10:47

A lot of people miss the social side of being in a relationship. I have been married, it obviously didn't work but we did have a great time socially and I don't get that now because single people aren't really in that much demand even if they are funny and make good friends.
I tried asexual dating but it was weird and decided I'd rather be single.

NorseKiwi · 10/10/2023 11:07

In all honesty, there are more men around with ED than you realise, particularly in their late 40's and early 50's. I had one boyfriend with ED (aged 47, heavy drinker, pretty sure he had an undiagnosed medical issue) who just couldn't maintain an erection no matter what we tried. You might find someone like that who knows they cant have sex and is up for female companionship.

PansyPolly · 10/10/2023 11:35

I would not put someone with ED into the asexual category! Such a man might like to be touched and kissed sexually, and to give sexual pleasure, even if intercourse isn’t physically possible.

Woolwichgirl · 10/10/2023 19:25

Maybe you can set up your own meet up group aimed at asexuals who dont want sex but want emotional intimacy.
I believe you will find similar men this way.Might take a while though.

Cringette · 10/10/2023 20:40

There is a word for this,, it is sapiosexual. I have seen it used on websites. Just put that you are that. It means you are attracted to people who are highly intelligent so you might just get guys who want to connect over discussion and shared interests and not really so into sex.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/10/2023 20:57

You need to find someone who also
doesnt want sex
you exist
they exist

it’s just finding them

Cascais · 10/10/2023 20:59

Friends

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/10/2023 21:00

PansyPolly · 10/10/2023 11:35

I would not put someone with ED into the asexual category! Such a man might like to be touched and kissed sexually, and to give sexual pleasure, even if intercourse isn’t physically possible.

Agree! Just because they can't maintain an erection doesn't stop a man with ED enjoying sex that doesn't involve penetration, and most men with ED can still ejaculate.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/10/2023 21:02

Cringette · 10/10/2023 20:40

There is a word for this,, it is sapiosexual. I have seen it used on websites. Just put that you are that. It means you are attracted to people who are highly intelligent so you might just get guys who want to connect over discussion and shared interests and not really so into sex.

That is not what OP has described at all! She doesn't mention feeling sexual attraction to anybody, let alone an attraction based on intelligence.

ditalini · 10/10/2023 21:07

The term 'asexual' has been queered op, aka Humpty Dumptied, so I'm not surprised you've been scolded on Reddit etc.

It's tiresome for those who want to use language for the purpose of communicating clearly.

Agree that it sounds like 'celibate' might be the term they've decided you should use now, but the main thing will probably be being up front with your expectations if you do make contact with someone.

Lilova · 10/10/2023 21:10

I don't think not having sex makes something a friendship. You can still have romantic feelings towards someone that you don't have towards your friends, without craving sex.

I don't cuddle with my friends on the sofa, I would cuddle with someone I was romantically interested in, even if I didn't want sex. That's more than a friendship to me.

Most people associate romantic relationships with sex though and many people can't live without sex seemingly so, you won't have much to work with I'm afraid. Sex is a "human need" apparently.

Lilova · 10/10/2023 21:17

If you found a site where people were talking about how they have sex, they were obviously not asexual . Maybe you need to have another look .

I mean, you can have sex and be asexual. For example, if you have a partner who you loved and wanted to be with, but who wanted sex, you may decide to have sex even though it's not something you necessarily need or desire. I've had sex before without wanting it, and not in a "sexual assault" way, but in a meh way. You do get asexuals who are sex repulsed, but others just don't care about it, they are ambivalent, they don't experience the desire to have it but it's not like they would be traumatised or have a horrendous time during the act with someone if they chose to. It's not as simple as just "I don't want sex it's disgusting so I'll never have it" for every asexual.

lookingforMolly · 10/10/2023 21:25

Put on a few stone like I have; and you will quickly find that the men who wanted to date you will friendzone you!!

PansyPolly · 10/10/2023 22:10

Cringette · 10/10/2023 20:40

There is a word for this,, it is sapiosexual. I have seen it used on websites. Just put that you are that. It means you are attracted to people who are highly intelligent so you might just get guys who want to connect over discussion and shared interests and not really so into sex.

Sapiosexual doesn’t mean not interested in having sex.

It means the major component of attraction is intellectual rather than physical, emotional etc.

(personally I think most people are a blend of a few things, but seeking out sapiosexuals won’t help OP)

harerunner · 12/10/2023 06:23

Cringette · 10/10/2023 20:40

There is a word for this,, it is sapiosexual. I have seen it used on websites. Just put that you are that. It means you are attracted to people who are highly intelligent so you might just get guys who want to connect over discussion and shared interests and not really so into sex.

No, you've completely misunderstood this... Sapiosexual people are sexual - they do want sex. It just means that they are fine mental stimulation to be sexually attractive.

Actually, I think most people are sapiosexual to an extent. Mental stimulation is an important component of attraction for many. Not many people are in happy long term sexual relationships with people whose minds they find dull and unintelligent.

harerunner · 12/10/2023 06:26

Cringette · 10/10/2023 20:40

There is a word for this,, it is sapiosexual. I have seen it used on websites. Just put that you are that. It means you are attracted to people who are highly intelligent so you might just get guys who want to connect over discussion and shared interests and not really so into sex.

And the idea that high intelligence correlates with low sex drive is a new one on me 😂.... Bizarre!

harerunner · 12/10/2023 06:31

I'm not sure why what you are looking for doesn't fall under the banner of a close friendship. In what way would a close friendship not work for you? I'm guessing you don't have any friends that you're particularly close to?

And if you're asexual, does it matter if this is with a man?

Sarah2891 · 12/10/2023 14:28

harerunner · 12/10/2023 06:31

I'm not sure why what you are looking for doesn't fall under the banner of a close friendship. In what way would a close friendship not work for you? I'm guessing you don't have any friends that you're particularly close to?

And if you're asexual, does it matter if this is with a man?

Some asexuals still want romantic relationships. A partner to live with, go on dates, snuggle up to, things like that. That goes beyond normal friendship.

Original poster
DidIMissOut · 13/10/2023 18:38

Some asexuals still want romantic relationships. A partner to live with, go on dates, snuggle up to, things like that. That goes beyond normal friendship.

This, to share and build a life with someone. To have a life partner.
Everything that couples do, minus the sex.

@Lilova
Yes, that is exactly what I saw an those asexual sites.
For pp who said that couldn’t be what I saw / was told: this poster’s type of comments was all I saw.
And more aggressive one’s too.
So, it made no sense for me to be there.
Because if you can/want sex, I don’t understand what the problem / need for label or community is. If you have sex, people will date you.
And that’s were I always failed and wanted to talk to like-minded people with this problem.

OP posts:
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