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Original poster

all on his terms?

40 replies

conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 10:52

I’ve name changed for this. Had a disagreement with my boyfriend earlier and I wondered what you thought. We only have sex when he wants it, and other times when I need intimacy or to be touched he refuses, on the grounds that ‘he’s not in the mood.’ Essentially sex happens when he wants to and not when I do. Also other forms of sex that aren’t to do with intercourse. Is it too pushy to ask to be touched? When he says no I feel quite frustrated and rejected.

OP posts:
Original poster
conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 10:53

I should have said we’re having an ldr and only see each other once a week.

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frazzledasarock · 08/10/2023 10:53

What happen when he wants sex/intimacy/affection and you don’t?

Original poster
conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 10:54

I hardly ever feel like that. I generally want him and never really want him to feel rejected. I like it! And a few times when I’ve been ambivalent I’ve done it anyway.

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LeoAndTheBlonde · 08/10/2023 11:00

It's not sex on his own terms, both should consent to sex. If he's not in the mood you can't force him or manipulate him. I think break up with him as you're not compatible and don't have LDR as you need touch.

Original poster
conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 11:02

Yes, I do need touch. That’s a good way of putting it!

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Shoxfordian · 08/10/2023 11:05

Consent and bodily autonomy is all on his terms though as is yours - it sounds like you’re not compatible

Original poster
conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 11:23

I did not know this, that you couldn’t ask to be held.

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lizkt · 08/10/2023 11:36

conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 11:23

I did not know this, that you couldn’t ask to be held.

Do you mean, you want a hug and he says no?

Lizzt2007 · 08/10/2023 11:43

conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 11:23

I did not know this, that you couldn’t ask to be held.

You can ask, and he can say no, just as you can say no. Ultimately you may not be compatible. It sounds like you want/need much more affection than he's giving you, that doesn't mean that it's 'all on his terms' however it will appear that way as you're the one wanting more. Neither of you are being unreasonable, just don't want the same level of affection.

Original poster
conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 11:44

Yes, that’s what I mean

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Original poster
conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 11:44

lizkt · 08/10/2023 11:36

Do you mean, you want a hug and he says no?

Show quote history

Yes, that’s what I mean

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Naunet · 08/10/2023 11:46

He shouldn’t have sex when he doesn’t want it no, but to not even hug you? It’s pretty weird.

Catoo · 08/10/2023 11:47

Sounds like he’s not affectionate and won’t ever be unless he wants sex?
I’d move on.

Original poster
conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 11:48

He is sometimes affectionate but it seems not when I ask for it.

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liveforsummer · 08/10/2023 11:49

I don't think there is anything wrong with what he's doing but I think you aren't compatible. Not everyone ways to be touched/cuddle all the time and that's fine. There will be someone out there that feels the same that he'll get along with a lot better

VeridicalVagabond · 08/10/2023 11:51

Imo a person always has the right to say no to physical intimacy, even a hug. Hugging someone when you don't want to feels horrible , even if it's someone you love. Anyone who has ever felt touched out at the end of the day will surely understand the sensation.

I'm a super tactile and physical person, and I simply wouldn't choose to be with someone who wasn't. Showing affection physically is very important to me in a relationship, I need a cuddler. Some people are the polar opposite.

Neither of you are wrong, you're just not compatible.

Original poster
conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 11:52

That’s so so useful @VeridicalVagabond — I think you’ve nailed it! I’m a cuddler too

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perfectcolourfound · 08/10/2023 11:53

Noone should have sex when they aren't in the mood. And you do mention sex in your first post. So, yes, you are very unreasonable to expect someone to have sex they don't want. There's a name for that.

If he doesn't like hugging, he shouldn't have to do that either.

It may be you're just incompatible. It may be that he isn't as affectionate as you'd like. In which case, neither of you needs to chnage. You're just with the wrong person.

Beachwalker66 · 08/10/2023 11:54

You are incompatible. That’s OK OP. Dating is about discovering whether you are compatible or not.

Finish it amicably and find someone more tactile who will meet your needs.

Epidote · 08/10/2023 12:23

I wouldn't carry on in a relationship like that it will destroy your self steem.

NotNowGertrude · 08/10/2023 12:27

Sounds like he doesn't meet a basic need of yours

As others have said you're incompatible so this is unlikely to change

Original poster
conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 12:51

Yes. I don’t think my need would be bad in all relationships

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HerMammy · 08/10/2023 16:23

If you only see him once a week and he says no to a hug, I think I'd let this one go. Everything on his terms, little affection, sounds controlling.
➡️🗑️

Original poster
conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 17:41

Yes. That’s exactly how I feel @HerMammy

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Original poster
conkersandmilk · 08/10/2023 17:44

He’s very black and white. In the buildup to
sex he’s very complimentary and affectionate but then once he’s climaxed that’s it — he doesn’t get affectionate or cuddly or amorous again later that evening or the next morning, and then usually I go.

He acts like I’m being needy and annoying for any intimacy I want after he’s -y’know-

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