all on his terms?

[conkersandmilk]

I’ve name changed for this. Had a disagreement with my boyfriend earlier and I wondered what you thought. We only have sex when he wants it, and other times when I need intimacy or to be touched he refuses, on the grounds that ‘he’s not in the mood.’ Essentially sex happens when he wants to and not when I do. Also other forms of sex that aren’t to do with intercourse. Is it too pushy to ask to be touched? When he says no I feel quite frustrated and rejected.

It leaves me feeling that the flow of intimacy is totally controlled by him

Yes, this is what I think. He hardly sees you and won't hug you when he does. It's all on his terms. Throw him in the bin.

Oh definitely wind this relationship down. It sounds like one of those relationships where you're far lonelier in it than you would be if you were single. If you were single you wouldn't be thinking about being rejected all the time. It's just easier to end it.

You haven't said how he is otherwise but if he won't even hug you, he sounds quite cold, maybe a little controlling. Maybe he likes keeping you wanting. I realise that you haven't said enough to confirm this but it sounds like a possibility

He is often cold and I think this is controlling. He’s not controlling what I do at all, but he’s controlling himself so much that it seeps into my experience.

You need to start doing the same thing, whenever he wants to hug or have sex just tell him you’re not in the mood. In any case this guy is very selfish, I can’t believe he won’t ever bother to hug you! This lack of affection or everything being on his terms is eroding your self stem. You deserve better.

I would send him this thread and tell him to get his act together OP.

He wouldn’t be bothered @beatrix1234 — he’d say oh that’s a pity, but bye, see you soon for a cup of tea?

No don't do that! All that that would show him is that you don't have your own barometre of when you should walk away. Sending him this thread would tell him that you're not happy about the way that he treats you but that you do not think that you being not happy is a good enough reason to walk away. It'd tell him that you need outside endorsement or outside validation to request change or walk away.

I'd just tell him something he can't argue with op ''we're on different pages and I'll be happier single''.

Why are you putting up with a man who can’t care less about you?

@WeeGoddess I'd just tell him something he can't argue with op ''we're on different pages and I'll be happier single''.

Thats another solution but I believe that before breaking up with someone you should explain the reasons why.

Are you climaxing too or is he like ooh ahh yeah zzzzzzzzz?

If he's not pushing you to have sex when you don't want to, just refusing it when he isn't interested, that's fine. But it doesn't work for you to only have someone be affectionate in order to have sex. Personally I'd chuck this one back in the sea. Plenty of guys aren't only strategically affectionate

Sometimes, sometimes not.

To be blunt, this isn't a relationship, your just somebody he deigns to shag occasionally, dump him

@conkersandmilk

This is less a relationship than a friends with benefits situation really - but not enough empathy either. This must be such a frustrating and hurtful place to be in. What positives are you getting from this? 🌹

Thanks, the replies have helped