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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my OLD love bombing me?

58 replies

Emily2923 · 08/10/2023 09:30

Hi
i started speaking to a man online and we got on well. He wanted to meet sooner rather than later and I was free we agreed to meet yesterday. He told me beforehand that he will be free for a couple of hours and after that he has quite a busy day

we met, all good. Went for lunch but then whenever I would speak he was staring right at me and smiling excessively, almost laughing. It made me very nervous but I thought maybe he’s nervous himself but he kept on doing it so I told him he’s making me nervous and then he stopped

when the food arrived he dished it out for me when he seen I hadn’t taken enough saying that he knows it’s nerves why I don’t want to eat. He put way too much in my plate and I left it and he actually just ate the food from my plate lol

he was complimenting me quite a bit during our meal, sayings things like ‘you’re actually a really beautiful woman’ bla bla I was just saying thanks and changing the subject as it made me feel a bit uncomfortable

after his period of excessive smiling and when his nerves calmed down he was actually very calm and kind of mysterious. Wasn’t trying too hard didn’t seem to be acting etc. he asked me when I needed to go, I said he’s the one with the curfew but then he said he can drop his plans and can spend as long as he wants with me

we went for a walk and he asked me what I think of him, I told him he seems like an alright guy, he said that doesn’t tell me if you like me though.. I asked him the same question back and he then said I can’t say until I know what you’re thinking.

carried on walking and he said if I was to tell you I didn’t want to continue on our date would it upset you? I said no it wouldn’t. He asked what id do and I said I’d go home? What else would I do. And he kept on asking so you wouldn’t be upset? I said no why would I, we haven’t known each other long and it’s cool. it went kind of awkward after this

anyway he then asked again after some time, i repreated what I said, that he seemed alright and he told me that he likes me and would like things to progress. He asked me if I would delete my dating app!

I just kind of laughed it off and the day continued as normal. He seemed decent and came across as quite alpha but didn’t mind doing a few silly things to make me laugh. He’s attractive and I could sense that other women are probably quite charmed by him

anyway after we left each other, he texted me immediately and then carried on messaging me until I got home. (We both took train to meet at our location). He called me and told me that he missed me lol and then on messages started questioning me again about how we take things from here? I told him I barely know you and have only spoken to you a few days so I need to get to know you still. He was saying things like I want to be with you etc etc and I told him that you can’t know that after only a few days of speaking to someone/ after first date and he said you can

he already told me before our date that in the coming week he’s going to be busy with work but has now made plans for a second date. He told me he will pay for all my travel costs to meet him……

is he love bombing me or just eager? I have had experience of love bombing before but from previous experience they try to mirror your interests/likes. Try to come off like a saint etc. and then excessively be into you. this guy has not done that and in fact has told me some things already which some women would be put off by but I can’t work out if he is love bombing or not????

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 08/10/2023 10:21

Please compose your 'thanks but no thanks' message today. I hope he doesn't get nasty.

FOJN · 08/10/2023 10:23

His behaviour is bizarre.

At this point there is no need for you to question or understand why, you can refuse a second date and block him for any reason you like.

The fact that you are second guessing yourself despite his odd behaviour suggests you need to work on your boundaries.

He makes you feel uncomfortable, no further analysis required. Block and move on.

Butterfly44 · 08/10/2023 10:24

No respect for boundaries. Pushy. OTT. Demanding.

Sounds like he's trying to push to next level asap, doesn't want too many non physical dates....

TemporarilyshyAF · 08/10/2023 10:27

He sounds twisty, weird and game playing. Don't know what his ultimate agenda is, if he has one, but not a straight up bloke. Chuck him back and move on.

I've had more OLDs than I care to remember and this one would be giving 'ewww' vibes. Interfering with your food then eating it indeed! That's a sacking offence.

katmarie · 08/10/2023 10:28

Dishing put my food would annoy me. I can choose how much I want to eat thanks. 'You're actually very beautiful' is subtle negging, designed to put you on the back foot, the 'actually' implies that you are beautiful despite some issue, and make you think 'oh thank goodness, he does find me attractive'.

The constant asking how upset you'd be if the date ended is also creepy, he wants to know how vulnerable you might be. If he's shitty to you, how might you react. Finally the 'never loved a woman before' is your cue to try and be the one that changes that for him, to prove yourself as worthy of him being in love with him.

Probably there are other red flags too, but those are enough for me to say no thanks and block him. As a PP says, you owe him nothing there.

Grenola · 08/10/2023 10:29

I wouldn’t even be trying to out if he is love bombing…. Surely from how he was you are not into him anyway? So def cut off and quit now!

just reading this made me feel urgh… first date should be chatting about so many diff things and not at all about how u feel about each other! What an ego he has in him eh!

Nurt · 08/10/2023 10:31

I’m surprised you need to ask about this one OP. Love bombing or not, the guy is quite obviously weird. Read your post back and ask yourself is this the sort of man I want to spend my life with.

Myfabby · 08/10/2023 10:37

The minute he put more food on my plate, I'd have left.

As for' if I was to tell you I didn’t want to continue on our date would it upset you?'

Delusional man. Block him

Emily2923 · 08/10/2023 10:42

@katmarie i thought the same about the negging. On messages before date he would say to me things like you’re beautiful bla bla I didn’t really respond just would say thanks but then after a bit he switched it up and told me that he goes for a woman’s personality always and likes me for my personality and that looks is a bonus
when we met the first thing he said to me was ‘you look better than your pictures’ and immediately asked me if I thought he looked like his pic. It was the first thing he spoke about.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 08/10/2023 10:47

"has told me some things already which some women would be put off by"

Were YOU put off by these things he told you?

That's all that matters, particularly if you're looking for someone to make a life with.

All the things you listed are things your gut feelings have picked up on as "odd/don't like". Listen to it.

"he was staring right at me and smiling excessively, almost laughing"

This would have creeped me out. Yes, it might have been nerves on his part but that doesn't actually matter. What matters is it made YOU feel uncomfortable. Good for you for calling him out on it - it's very telling that he managed to stop doing it. You can't do that with genuine nerves. Did he apologise or give any reason for being like that.

Other than that, he sounds controlling, and maybe a bit manipulative and someone I'd be saying thanks but no thanks to. I probably wouldn't give a reason beyond a generic "not feeling it" type of thing.

LividGas · 08/10/2023 10:48

Nooooooooo.

You need to say no to all of this.

Emily2923 · 08/10/2023 10:53

@DatingDinosaur when I questioned him on why he’s staring at me and laughing he responded saying can I not look at you then covered his eyes for a bit as a joke he didn’t explain the laughing he said to me after that he knew we were nervous etc. the food took ages to come and he stopped doing it when the food came lol

and ermmm I just remembered another thing that I thought was a red flag one of my friends was texting me and he looked right over my shoulder, I’m assuming to see who was messaging me

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 08/10/2023 11:03

I would say so, yes. If anyone makes you nervous or question, it's likely your gut telling you something.

Olika · 08/10/2023 11:03

This man makes me feel very uncomfortable. I wouldn't meet him again. He doesn't even know you so him saying he likes you etc is not based on reality. I would move on.

wayyour · 08/10/2023 11:05

It sounds strange. I would block this one.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 08/10/2023 11:06

Lots of red flags here, OP. Sorry to say.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 08/10/2023 11:08

I hit post too soon - meant to say that although I would throw this one back, I think blocking is OTT unless his subsequent behaviour gives you cause.

DatingDinosaur · 08/10/2023 11:09

Eurgh, I've had a guy do that - looking over my shoulder when I typed my pin into my phone to unlock it. I was aware/found it weird enough to change my pin shortly after.

overdalexx · 08/10/2023 11:11

no idea if is love-bombing, maybe to an extent, but definitely sounds bonkers to me. I fear he will play with your head, after already having screwed his own. Male here - aspects of this remind me of one or two women I have known. One rather screwed me up, another I just strolled away from.

LightSpeeds · 08/10/2023 11:13

If he's never loved a woman, you don't want him 'practising' on you 😂

Emily2923 · 08/10/2023 11:15

@LightSpeeds on messaging ysdsy he started saying I’m a woman he knows he can love lol

OP posts:
Emily2923 · 08/10/2023 11:21

Ok thanks I thought maybe he’s just a bit anxious or whatever because like I said when he wasn’t laughing he seemed really calm and didn’t seem aggressive or anything but I was uncomfy how pushy he was being right till the minute we left so I think I know what to do

OP posts:
ReadySalty · 08/10/2023 11:22

I actually shuddered reading your post op.

How do so many men become so weird and creepy?

DatingDinosaur · 08/10/2023 11:33

His words and body language weren't matching and this is what you have picked up on because it's making you question/feel uncomfortable.

He might not be a serial killer or psychopath but there's enough about him that seems "off" to you to put you off.

Don't keep on seeing him out of curiosity to see if your gut feelings are right.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 08/10/2023 11:34

Some very clear hallmarks of a man who will be abusive, and that abuse has already started.