So mad at husband...not giving me anytime to myself and being so selfish!

[Nessamommy]

I am sooo angry right now I don't even know what to do. Lately, I have been feeling upset with my husband because he never comes home after work. He's always running around running errands for himself (not even for our family). I am alone with our 5 month old son all day. I do find things to do, but want time alone sometimes, without the baby. I have been feeling like I'm getting desperate for this time! I haven't had it in over a month! I have been expressing this to him, and so today I was supposed to go in the afternoon, once he got home, to go grocery shopping (sure, it's not exciting, but it's atleast some freedom). But he phoned me to tell me he had an appointment booked a long time ago to get these special shoes he needs (kind of for work). He never told me about this this morning. I am so pissed. What do I do? I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. I am getting nowhere and I am in tears. Why doesn't he get it?

poor thing, that's very frustrating. i think you need to do a 'baby dump' on him and go out for the day unexpectedly - give him a taste of his own medicine if you can. i don't think a lot of men realise how much you need some time to yourself to stay sane when you are looking after a LO more or less single handedly.

This is going to sound quite harsh and I don't want to upset you but I wouldn't let my dh treat me like that.

If he wouldn't let you go grocery shopping I'd have told him there was nothing for tea. If he won't come home after work I'd have told him to find somewhere else to stay the night and lock him out.

Is there a reason you can't take your ds shopping with you? I know it's not the same as getting a break but at least it's getting you out of the house.

What about getting ready to out on his day off and just telling him you're going out on your own for the day?

The problem is is that my son is breastfed...he won't take a bottle unfortunately. I don't make supper b/c I can't go for groceries. He doesn't care, as he'll go get something for us from take out. I enjoy grocery shopping b/c it's my only break. My son doesn't do so good at the moment in his stroller and isn't quite sitting up on his own to be in the cart. On top of things, my husband was gone all day Sunday on a boy's trip skiing! On his day off, he runs around for himself! I'm still stuck with the baby all day. I told him to not even bother coming home..to go somewhere else but he doesn't listen...he says it's his home too and he deserves to be there. I have no clue at what I should do anymore! I'm talking till I'm blue in the face!

get a lipstick and write messages for help all over the walls. He'll get the message that you're going crazy locked in the house all day.

Well...I actually screamed at him over the phone and hung up...way to make a point. Now I'm feeling a bit silly. But I tried explaining in a calm tone later...he still doesn't get it. He had the nerve to ask why I couldn't have my free time and go grocery shopping once I put the baby down to bed at 8:00? Can you even believe it? He thinks his needs are more important than mine!

Agree with sittingbull. Your dh may not be listening to you as much as he should, but tbh anyone with a 5 month old baby who can't even get out to the shops is welded to the baby way too much! I bf my baby and was working 3 days a week by the time she was your ds's age!!
Without meaning to be harsh, your DH is probably feeling a tad left out if you have a baby that you can barely be parted from. As Sittingbull says, get a sling, express some milk and get ds used to a cup/bottle (you say he won't take it - most babies will, you just need to persevere. I expressed for several months because of working - if you have to do it you can!). Then when you've done all this I think you're in a better place to quite reasonably leave your ds and have some time for you. Building up resentment and then just yelling at him will make him stay away more.

I agree, at 5 months he is almost ready for weaning, it's not mentally healthy for you to be so attached toeach other. And all of the (very good) suggestions for getting some time away don't work when you're so attched. It is possible to change this if you really want to. After all, when you've got 1 more dc it's just not possible to devote so much time to 1 baby,

I agree, he's being very selfish, and I would be furious and fed up too. But if you can stand to look at it from his pov, you're attached 24/7 to baby, he's lost his place with you, he probably feels all you ever do is moan/scream at him, so he stays away even more, you get more angry and frustrated and cross with him, he stays away even more.......

From hard experience, I've learnt if you want to make something to happen, you need to ensure it does, not wait on someone else, cos as you're finding, then it just doesn't happen. Plus, the more attched to ds you are, the more resentful, jealous and lacking in confidence your dh will be.

You need to get to the point that you can leave your ds. Even if bf, at 5 months he can be left for a couple of hours. during day. Why not, at weekend, feed ds then tell your dh you need to go out and leave them together? Then have a good couple fo hours, NOT grocery shopping. Get a book, go to a cafe, go shopping for a treat, get your hair cut. YOu need to look after yourself. And no matter how much you want your dh to look after you, you've said yourself, it's not happening. Ime, men need telling in a matter of fact way what you expect, rather than moaning at them.

And I'm sorry if it sounds mean to you, really I mean the opposite. I spent a long time being a doormat to my dh and 3 sons. But in the last year have only just come to this realisation (doh, took me a while), and try to have a day off every now and then (dh's face when he was left with 3 kids for the first time, ha ha ha). YOu will be empowered if you start doiing it, rather than getting cross with him for not doing it. And he will maybe not like the extra work on one level, but he will like having more involvement with his ds, finding his wife a bit happier, and more assertive.

Good luck.

well no I disagree with some of these replies

The OP isn't doing anything wrong, save trying to parent without support.

Yes she might be able to make some practical adjustments but the problem is she is parenting largely unsupported.

yes he is being unreasonable, it is not the 1950s, thank god.

and at 5 months it is normal for babies to be very attatched to their mothers, imo

I agree, normal to be very attached, but doesn't mean never getting a break? I agree dh being v unreasonable, but can sort of see why.

I just think op needs to take back some control. At 5 months, no matter how close a bond, it seems odd to me to not have any time away from baby/not feel able to have any time away from baby.

Even exclusively bf don't need to be constantly with mother. Helathy for them also to spend time alone with other parent. Vicious circle, only with mum, doesn't see much of dad, then doesn't want to be left with dad, mum then feels reluctant to leave baby with dad, dad feels rejected by baby, untrusted by mum, withdraws even more, mum gets more angry, frustrated resentful, unsupported. etc etc etc

vicious circle.

not saying she's doing anything wrong just suggesting ways of improving the situation.

a lot of husbands arent able to be so supportive in fact altho my dh is a fab dad the bulk of parenting falls on me and tbh i loved mine being small and took them everywhere -its only now they are a bit older that i can have 'me' time but i dont resent it in fact i miss being needed,the thing is if you look at it like a punishment it will feel like a punsishment i took it as a challenge and got on with it - screaming wont do you any good and presumably your dh has always been v quick to help others thats just the way it is ......and at risk of being shot breast feeding can limit your me time its a major factor in deciding how to feed,theyre not babies long imo enjoy them whilst you can.

I found it very hard at that stage as well, my dd wouldn't drink from a bottle at that age either. My dh wasn't quite as inconsiderate as the OP's, or I would have been going mental at him myself. I think the OP's right, her dh really needs to open his eyes and see that she needs some support; she's on her own with the baby all day and she's probably clock-watching towards the end of the afternoon, waiting for him to come in so she can have even a short break to herself! And if he phones to say he's not coming, or coming late, it can be a blow.

As for advice...well, you've tried the shouting and screaming; perhaps, as others have said, this might be alienating him further. All I can suggest is trying to speak calmly about it in the evening, once the baby is in bed. I would probably list all the time he's had, "you went skiing, you went to get your shoes, you went to a, b and c, all in the last fortnight. Now I need do do a, b and c, and this is when we're going to do it..." - along those lines. Good luck! I can imagine you're nearly banging your head against the wall.

Oh I agree with everyone who has said get a sling. I am still bfing my 8 month old and dont have any daytime help/support, but I have found it essential from the very beginning to get out absolutely every day. Are you feeling shy about bfing in public? I know it can embarrassing, my LO would get distracted and squirm when I fed her in public, so it would look like I was forcing her onto my breast, also saggy belly would show...but I did it anyway, on trains, in the car, in cafes, even in an H+M changing room while pretending to try on clothes....Ask around about good change/feed rooms in town. And give it a go with the groceries, you will be surprised at how helpful people are, people would help me get stuff off shelves and things when dd was on my tummy.

TBH it doesnt sound quite right to be feeling that having a babba means you have to stay in the house all day. Youre husband may be freaking out at the notion that this is how things will be forever now. My DH also had a freakout when DD was younger, his took the form of booking/joing endless language classes/football team/music lesson, like he was saying 'I am so not going to be a one dimensional daddy type' It was crap cos the same as you , his coming home in the evening was the highlight of my day, both for the help and because I love him. I had a go about it to him and told him that this was not the time to act like it was freshers week at uni, and that we might never be lucky enough to have another baby and he would kick himself if we didnt and he had missed the only time in his life he would get to cuddle his tiny baby. That was the clincher actually, he saw sense.

Have you found any groups to go too?You will be able to go to toddler groups when she is 6/12, until then try to find baby and toddler groups. do you drive? I think it is imprtant to be shameless in the quest for new mummy type friends, just tell yourself you must do it for the lo's sake and go up to other mums pushing buggies when your out walking and strike up conversation, aiming to swap numbers etc, other mums will be wanting to get out too.

Oh and some supermarkets have trolleys with seat things that a small baby lies back in and you strap them in, i found it scary the first time but dd loves it!

They don't understand, do they? They think that having a baby means that you have to buy a pram, decorate the nursery and everyone comes round to look at the cute little baby and go a bit gooey, and he gets to to go the pub and wet the baby's head, and then it's back to life as normal isn't it.

Well, it's time for him to wake up and realise that his normal life is GONE and he now has responsibilities other than to his footy mates, or his skiing buddies. He has a wife (or partner, it makes no difference) and a son that are HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

He needs to be looking after you. That includes giving you time for yourself to go shopping, to have a nice, long bubble bath, to go to your mate's house... whatever. He needs to do this regularly as a matter of course.

You need to be away from the baby. Much as you love him (and I can tell that you do, very much) you need some time for YOU.

The others that have mentioned toddler groups/mum & baby groups have a good point, and anything like that will help, but it won't change your husband's attitude.

How do you fancy booking yourself in at night school for one evening a week. Tell him that he NEEDS to be home on that night because you are going out.

And stick to it. Don't ever tell him "oh, it's ok, just this once" because he will hear "it doesn't ever matter, your life comes before mine"

His life does not matter more than yours

Good luck.

xx

agree ernst op needs to take back control

but from her husbandm not 5 mo baby!

Yes, maybe try to get out one evening to a class, to the gym etc. We had the same problem with DD absolutely refusing to take a bottle, but she seemed to get the hang of drinking from a cup quickly, so I am able to leave her with husband, he gives her formula from a cup. I did express for a while but found it was the straw that broke the camels back, just one more irritating morning chore, so we just get cartons of ready made formula now for when Im out, I still bf her the rest of the time. So maybe try her with sips from cup?

but I only suggested she leave dh to look after baby, pop out and get her hair cut or have a coffee, not put him full time in a nursery and give up bf!

Are you leaving the house at all?

You need to get out. Get air, go to the park, join baby music classes, and DO things outside the home. Even go for a coffee, baby can sleep, or just look around. I have breastfed two babies, and in my opinion, nothing is more portable than a 5 month old!

Once you get out and start doing something on your own, you will not need so much from your husband, and your home will not suffocate you so much.

Yes, he is unreasonable, but I dont think you can change him, only your own situation.

It's hard to leave a 5 month old with someone else (for me anyway). Be much better if you were able to get out with your lo and not have to feel dependent on your dh to get out.

Sling is really easy, and I've never had a problem bfing when I'm out. Most people are v. supportive these days about public bfing - despite the odd report.

Your dh may not quite grasp how suffocating it can be, or not quite sure if he can really help. Maybe you're not quite sure how he can really help! I used to resent that it was difficult to have a shower, but if I gave the baby to dh it would only last about 2 minutes before baby wailing it's head off!

You need to be able to shop with your baby. As for the rest, your dh needs to be doing more of the other stuff to give you less stress about looking after the baby - eg cooking etc.

You have to find the way that works best for you. Some people need to get complete break from the baby (going to the gym etc.) which is cool. Others want to be with baby but more freedom (eg making going out together easy, someone cooking for you).

Work out what it is you personally need, so that your dh knows what he can do to help.

Thank you all for your replies! I actually do make a point of going out everyday. We take dance classes together, mom and baby yoga, meet up with friends with babies (lots of them). I have a sling that I use. All is well when I am with my baby. That is fantastic. All I would like is simply some ALONE time...without my son, during the day when I'm not so beat. My husband and I had a discussion last night but he still doesn't seem to really understand...which disappoints me. He said that he needs to do this running around b/c it will help him with a new job he'll be getting. He said he needs me to be supportive. I told him that I have been very supportive of his needs but that he also needs to be supportive and respect my need for some time on my own. He argued with me on how much he's been gone. He just doesn't get it. He wanted to "make a deal" on how much time he gets/I get. I explained that, as important as his job is, he gets lunches and coffee breaks. Where are my breaks? I'd like something every once in awhile. To which he said I get breaks during the day visiting friends??? I just don't think he gets it. I definitely need to start working much harder with the bottle/cup. We are going to start solid foods this weekend so hopefully it gets better from here on in.

Let him make a deal as to how much time he gets/you get.

For every errand he does for himself, you have a corresponding amount of time out of the house, for every pair of special shoes he needs to buy, you have the same amount of grocery shopping.

Get petty about it if you have to.

He sounds like he's talking the talk, but not actually fulfilling his promises.

Tell him you're going out tonight as soon as he gets in from work and let him make his own tea, sort out the baby, whatever. You just leave the house after he has come home for at least an hour.

I echo squonk.

I actually did that when my oldest was 6 months old. Sunday morning, my dh had woken up from his lie in. 11 am, a beautiful day, I placed our son on the bed next to him, smiled sweetly and said "I am going out. Your turn."

Then I just got my coat and went out.

I got back a few hours later. The kitchen was a mess of milk bottles, spoons and jars of weaning food, going upstairs I found one totally soiled vest and baby gro on the bathroom floor. The baby bath, half full of water, a towel, my dhs clothing in a heap. Further going into the bedroom I found, dh and son fast asleep on the bed, my dh with his arm protectively around the little boy's head. He was wearing a fresh jumpsuit, and his blanket.

I cleaned up with a smile. He left a mess, but he had for the first time had several hours of sole charge, and fallen asleep with exhaustion.

Oh I see what you mean then, he thinks your days are one long tea and biscuits session. Thats a tricky one. I agree with above, force yourself to go out , then come back and and laugh at the chaos created. I think we do have similar setups in that my husband has been starting new business, no time to help. Actually its only recently that Ive felt he gets it, when we went on holiday and he had all day with us 'doing nothing', when I went out one morning he was exhausted when I got back and I still savour his little comment about it not being easy looking after her. And last week he had a morning off and I went to the gym, when I got back he told me, 'I see what you mean about it being hard to get out'. Finally.

Do you have any holidays coming up, any chance to go away just the 3 of you? Because there is no escape then from the reality!

We are going away for a bit in May but until then??? In the past when I have slept in or whatever, for an hour or so, my husband has the baby, but he makes comments about it being easy..he says he doesn't understand what's so hard about staying home and getting things done. The thing is,he's only with him for an hour max, in the morning (my son's happiest time), and if my son cries, he leaves him to cry so he can get stuff done! This is why he thinks it's easy. He has already informed me that on Saturday he is going to the gym, doing this doing that. I'm like...thanks for informing me of YOUR plans. I said,"Okay, and also you'll have to be home for one of his feedings because I'm going out and I want you to try the bottle with him." Don't know if this is great though...maybe it'll scare him and push him away from spending time at home???