I think some people just can’t be alone and will overlook yellow or even red flags because they’d rather be in any relationship than be on their own. My mother was one of those people. She put us in some very “suboptimal” situations because she couldn’t be alone. For example, when I was 12 her 2nd marriage broke down in the May (due to infidelity and a bunch of other issues including DV), she met someone in September, moved us in with him in November having known him around 8 weeks (I’m not even joking), and married him within a year of meeting him. He turned out to be an abusive bully (surprise surprise) who she has wasted the last 35 years of her life with. I’m sure on the surface her life looks fine. But she’s lost contact with both her children and her wider family because of his behaviour.
After a divorce or break up of a long term relationship, getting into a new one proves to yourself and everyone else that you were not the “problem” in the marriage. So I think there could be an element of optics and boosting self esteem by proving that you are worthy of being loved.
I also think the economics of living alone long term can be difficult to afford and hard to justify - it’s a lot easier to raise your standard of living when you’re partnered and share all those costs of running a household.
I know some people will say they grieved their marriage while they were still in it, and I thought that made sense, until I got out of mine and realised I had an awful lot of grieving and other processing still to do. I just can’t see how jumping into another relationship within months is healthy.
For context, I’m 16months out from our decision to separate and 10months into living alone. I don’t feel anywhere near ready to date. I have got to the stage where I love my life now and I can’t imagine going back to accommodating anyone else’s choices.
Initially, I promised myself a window of one month per year of the relationship to get my head straight before considering dating, so I’m still only half way through that anyway (and when that’s come to an end I might just double it for good measure!), but after spending 23 years putting other people first, it’s my time now. I figure if I look after myself I’ve got another 30-40 good, independent and active years to enjoy life on my terms. My bestie is a warden in a retirement village and her residents are my inspiration.
If a lovely man who considers me an equal drops into my lap then happy days but I think they’re pretty rare and I feel the many potential downsides outweigh the positives at this point. I’m enjoying my life too much to spend time looking for needles in haystacks when I have no desire to do any needlework!