Bf's bday - AIBU?

[ivemesseduphelp]

I think I probably am but...

Background is I'm 33 bf is about to turn 44, been together 2.5 years, don't live together yet. I have been somewhat commitment phobic and we only saw each other at weekends up until recently when we started seeing each other midweek too, prompted by me turning 33 and realising my biological clock is ticking and thinking it's time to to spend more time together/share our lives together more. He lives 30 mins from me. We have a plan to move in together once I finish an academic course I'm doing in 1.5 years. I seem to be driving this commitment/sharing of lives but he assures me he is on board with it, he just isn't as proactive as me - and I haven't been up until recently anyway!

I don't really like celebrating my birthday. This year my parents insisted on spending it with me but we just went out for a drink, I told bf not to come over and we celebrated ourselves on a different day when he took me for brunch and a day out as my gift. His bday is coming up, I am invited to his family meal out the weekend before and the celebration with his friends the weekend after. On the actual day he will be at his parents' - he sees them a couple of times a week and his bday is on a day he would usually see them. When I queried this he said he could tell my mum I would come too but I don't want to be invited only because I've sort of asked. I kind of thought he might have thought himself it would be nice to see me on his bday? But he is saying that it's just another day really and he'll have been at work so it's not a big deal etc etc and also I appreciate I didn't want him around on my bday so maybe I am overreacting about this?

I'm feeling very anxious about the future and have been ever since I turned 33 - right now I'm like 'does he really see a future with me if he wants to send his bday with his parents and not me?' but he has told me a number of times that he's committed to me and the future and has been happy to increase the amount we see each other etc so maybe I just need to calm down?

You seem to be massively overthinking this. It’s like you’ve gone from 0-100 now you’ve decided you want more commitment (and children).

he’s just having low-key time with his folks. You are still only spending minimal time together. You are doing other things with him for his birthday.

please calm down about it all! It’s ok.

But he is saying that it's just another day really and he'll have been at work so it's not a big deal etc etc and also I appreciate I didn't want him around on my bday so maybe I am overreacting about this?

Why do you think this is odd ?
You've said you are celebrating his birthday with him, twice, already. It's not like a particularly huge or momentous birthday. Yet you think it strange that he thinks 2 celebratory occasions is probably enough ??

Yes, you are over reacting.

Thank you for your replies. I don't know why I am like this, I have lost the plot since my birthday in the summer and I've become extremely anxious and worried about life/my relationship because it hasn't fitted conventional norms eg most people would be living together if not married by now at this stage. That's not right for me/us just yet and perhaps I need to accept that it's ok to go at our own pace although obvs I need to take into account my biological clock. It's hard.

You only live 30 minutes away but you were until recently only seeing each other at weekends.

Does he want children and to settle down?

You told him not to come over on your birthday, but now you're concerned that he hasn't invited you on his birthday?

@ivemesseduphelp I think you would benefit from accessing some therapy for whatever has been triggered by your birthday before it impacts your relationship and self esteem further.

as For non conventional relationships - do what works for you. I’m 49 and been with my partner 9 years. We are less than 10 mins from each other and no plans for living together for a while. I have my space and life and he his. You have time yet to work towards living together and a family.

@crumblingschools yes that's right. I was happy with this arrangement until recently and my biological clock stated ticking. Living 30 mins away from each other also means that spending time together in the week results in one of us having an even longer commute which was a factor in us not seeing each other during rhe week. I'm also big on quality time and felt that seeing each other on a weeknight where we'd only have 2/3 hours before bed wouldn't really be worth the extra travel etc although now I understand it is important to do these things to get used to each other. We also have weeknight commitments - he has sport most evenings and I often work so there's that too.

You need to spend more time together if you’re thinking of living together or having children.

@TheCatterall thank you so much for your kind post I think you're right that I could benefit from therapy - I don't know what has come over me, societal pressure perhaps? I feel like I'm going mad, questioning things all the time and sort of looking for signs that he's not committed.

I love the situation you have with your partner and, if I'm honest, it would probably be my ideal too but I do want a family. My parents are together but live separately and I see how they benefit from that which also probably influences my prior reluctance to move in with my bf although they did live together when I was a child.

@SausageMonkey2 yes and we are but we both value our own time and it's difficult with busy lives - evenings are often spent doing sport or catching up with work and we need to fit our friends and family in at weekends too. Also given that I've gone from being happy just seeing him at weekends to wanting to see him in the week and start talking about and planning for the future I probably need to give him a bit of time to adjust.

yes and we are but we both value our own time and it's difficult with busy lives - evenings are often spent doing sport or catching up with work and we need to fit our friends and family in at weekends too.

The thing is, if you live together, you can go out to your 5-a-side, or do a couple of hours work, or go out to your book club or volunteering or climbing group or whatever, and still be home by 9pm, when you get to spend a couple of hours with each other before you need to sleep. Living together wouldn't mean stopping doing those things, but means you are with each other each day. Or, if you are morning people, the time then, before work.

At 19, I'd say "take things slowly" and also understand the difficulties of moving forward when living with parents, but at 33 and 44, and having been together 2.5 years , and neither of you having dc you are taking things very slowly because of, it does seem like this relationship isn't leading towards a lifelong commitment to each other - much more of a FWB type relationship. Which is fine if that's what you both want, but it isn't, if that isn't what you want.

I think you need to have a good long conversation about plans, future, and if your joint goals are the same.

@UsingChangeofName yes I agree, spending time together is made more difficult by not living together and this wasn't a problem for me until recently.

I'm so anxious about it that I keep bringing it up and he does everything he can to reassure me. We have a plan to move in/buy a house together after I finish my course in just under 1.5 years (the upheaval would be a bit too much right now - it's an intense accelerated course, hence the evening working that I mention) and then consider having a family. He keeps saying 'I don't know what else I can say or do to make you believe that I'm committed'. He's offered to give me a key to his place, said I can WFH there on my WFH days although I did suggest that and am yet to take him up on it. What do you think I should do?

@UsingChangeofName also I do feel that we are more than FWBs - we support each other emotionally and practically and even though we don't see each other every day he calls me every evening

Oh and bf is about to turn 34, not 44 - that's a typo

I think you are being a little unfair on him given you’ve said you were the one managing the timelines.

Whats the current situation? Do either of you own somewhere? Both renting your own place?

The thing is if you want to buy together in the future you ideally would have lived together before that to ‘test’ it out.

You have to go at your own pace but just weekends doesn’t seem very much at that stage. If you can work from home I don’t see why you aren’t going to his mid week one night even if you go home in the morning to work.

It sounds to me like you have now realised that your own commitment issues have meant you are going at a slow pace and not really getting anywhere. Maybe make a plan to move in together? I get you about the upheaval etc but really that is short term. Surely there’s a break in exams when you could move?

The birthday thing is a bit odd but sounds like you’ve just kept things slow and casual so seems in line. He probably doesn’t think turning 34 is a big deal.

@Bonniethewestie thank you for your comment. Current situation is that I live in my own (tiny) mortgaged house and he lives in a little shared ownership flat which I guess has also contributed to us not rushing to move in together as we are both quite settled in our own respective properties and don't have the worry of renewal of tenancies etc. We are doing one night during the week as well as weekends at the moment.

The plan is to increase time spent together over the next year or so but do you think we should be moving in together sooner than that? You are right that I have realised about my commitment issues (I think these largely stem from my childhood obviously and also my eating disorder which I'm working hard on improving on but have appreciated the time and space to myself to do this) and I guess I am wondering about bf's commitment issues given that he has been happy to move so slowly. During a conversation recently about the future and my anxieties he even asked if I wanted us to live together right now to ease my anxieties but I'm not sure if he was really serious and at the time I was caught off guard. I think I worry about either of us moving it into our current properties because they are both very small. I know loads of people live together in small houses/flats but we do like our own space and I wonder how I would cope if I'm honest.

To have been together 2.5 years and only seeing each once a week, doesn't sound like either of you were particularly serious about this relationship.

I understand the reasons you've given to not live together yet, but I find usually what happens is people fall in love and feel so strongly the desire to be together that they put all the practical reasons away and just go for it (not saying this is right or wrong).

Are you sure you want a future with your partner or are you just sure you want children (but not necessarily with him)?

"He's offered to give me a key to his place, said I can WFH there on my WFH days although I did suggest that and am yet to take him up on it."

I think that's a good idea and you should try it.

@LumpyPumpkin well we were seeing each other once a week but it was over the weekend so it was a decent amount of time. I was happy with this because it was quality time although I am now keen to spend time together on a day to day basis to get used to that.

I do want a future with him - he is kind, supportive and patient. I am probably not the easiest person to live with which is also possibility why I have been reluctant to take the next step and my eating disorder has definitely played a part in me holding back. I have never lived with anyone else before. Also from years of reading mumsnet the idea of selling my house and moving in with him scares me in case it doesn't work out...

@Lavenderosa thanks, I am going to and see how that goes. He is so laid back and it seems to be me being the one to suggest things and drive the relationship forward but he says he doesn't mind that and that he wouldn't go along with it if it's not what he wants son I guess I have to take him at his his word.

I'm also big on quality time and felt that seeing each other on a weeknight where we'd only have 2/3 hours before bed wouldn't really be worth the extra travel etc although now I understand it is important to do these things to get used to each other.

This would make me question the whole relationship tbh. After 2.5 years with a partner I would either want to be with them much more regularly or I'd have figured out they're not the right person for me. Do you not have feelings towards him that make you desperate to see him and miss him when you're apart?

To me a 30 min drive for 2-3 hours together with the person you are in love with a night or 2 during the week is absolutely worth it. The fact your basing your decisions and actions on logistics rather than feelings is what sets off alarm bells for me, especially in the early days.

My bf also lives 30 mins from me, we've been together 1.5 years and we alternate driving to each others each night that we are both child free (3 nights over the week). It's probably not the most practical use of our time but I'm so keen to see him (and vice versa) that we don't really care.

We obviously both see friends & family too but you just sound very much like the relationship is something you fit in when it's convenient and are now feeling pressure to spend more time with him before moving in together, even though you're not actually excited to have the extra time with him?

@ivemesseduphelp are you having therapy now? You seem really wound up and anxious about this and I think you'd benefit from talking through your worries with a professional.

Have you ever been on holiday together?

@obje I am excited to see him and do miss him when I don't - we have both said how nice it is to see each other midweek as well as at weekends now - but we do have other commitments too and, as I have said, I think my eating disorder has probably played a larger part in this than I have realised (wanting to get my exercise in in the evenings, not wanting to have food I don't know the calories of etc). He has given up an evening of sport to see me in the week now and I am mindful of us both still having our own lives and independence. How do you manage work when travelling to and from your partner's? It's only a 30 min drive for us but during rush hour traffic in the morning it can be a one hour + journey

@ivemesseduphelp - every relationship is different and what works for one couple won’t work for another. I think you have to go at your own pace that you are happy with and not worry too much.

If you are both happy with your current living situations that will be a big part of talking things slower.

Like a pp said it’s actually easier once you do live together as you see eachother naturally around hobbies etc and don’t have to go back and forth so much. (I remember the days of always having a backpack going between).

The housing situation is so messy everywhere anyway with mortgage rates etc. If you currently both have a good deal it’s probably not the best time to move anyway. I guess if you think you might want to live together before buying you could rent out your flats for a year and rent somewhere bigger together but might feel a lot of hassle.

Maybe the best bet is to just spend a bit more time together in the week. Honestly from what you’ve said he sounds totally happy to go at your pace so I think the key is to not over think it and freak yourself out.