Bf's bday - AIBU?

[ivemesseduphelp]

I think I probably am but...

Background is I'm 33 bf is about to turn 44, been together 2.5 years, don't live together yet. I have been somewhat commitment phobic and we only saw each other at weekends up until recently when we started seeing each other midweek too, prompted by me turning 33 and realising my biological clock is ticking and thinking it's time to to spend more time together/share our lives together more. He lives 30 mins from me. We have a plan to move in together once I finish an academic course I'm doing in 1.5 years. I seem to be driving this commitment/sharing of lives but he assures me he is on board with it, he just isn't as proactive as me - and I haven't been up until recently anyway!

I don't really like celebrating my birthday. This year my parents insisted on spending it with me but we just went out for a drink, I told bf not to come over and we celebrated ourselves on a different day when he took me for brunch and a day out as my gift. His bday is coming up, I am invited to his family meal out the weekend before and the celebration with his friends the weekend after. On the actual day he will be at his parents' - he sees them a couple of times a week and his bday is on a day he would usually see them. When I queried this he said he could tell my mum I would come too but I don't want to be invited only because I've sort of asked. I kind of thought he might have thought himself it would be nice to see me on his bday? But he is saying that it's just another day really and he'll have been at work so it's not a big deal etc etc and also I appreciate I didn't want him around on my bday so maybe I am overreacting about this?

I'm feeling very anxious about the future and have been ever since I turned 33 - right now I'm like 'does he really see a future with me if he wants to send his bday with his parents and not me?' but he has told me a number of times that he's committed to me and the future and has been happy to increase the amount we see each other etc so maybe I just need to calm down?

@Whataretheodds I'm not having therapy but I am self referring today after realising that I absolutely need it. I was awake all night worrying about things which is ridiculous. I can't keep asking bf for reassurance either because he has given me as much reassurance as he possibly can.

We go on 2/3 holidays a year for a week at a time which we both absolutely love and our lives our intertwined in other ways eg we go to each other's family events. It's unlikely we will be able to go away together next year due to the dates of my course and bf is really upset about that - I've told him to go away with someone else but he said it wouldn't be the same as it wouldn't be with me.

@Bonniethewestie thank you, the housing market and how we could ever buy somewhere together is also one of my concerns - renting out our respective properties and renting somewhere together is also something I have considered but also seems like a lot of hassle. In some ways we are lucky to have our own properties. I was happy to go at our own pace up until recently and I need to get back to that place!

That makes much more sense now in terms of why you've held back a bit

In terms of staying over mid-week, mine is similar timing wise. Personally I don't find a 1-1.5 hour commute too much but that's what I've done in previous jobs. I now have the luxury of a much shorter commute from my own house but maybe cos I've spent the last 15 years with a horrendous commute 5 days a week, a longe commute 1-2 days a week doesn't sound too bad.

I think his suggestion of you staying at his when you're wfh is a really good idea. Could you travel thorough, stay overnight, work from his then either stay a 2nd night or drive home after dinner, say 9pm when there's no traffic? If you don't mind cooking for you both at his it also means you could finish up and cook you both a nice dinner that you are in control of

@obje thank you, that was going to be my next suggestion to bf although I thought I might leave that for a few weeks since I've been a bit crazy about all this commitment stuff recently - we've only been doing midweek meet ups since the end of august and I don't want to overdo it.

The more I consider it, the more I think it is me that is the problem. This morning bf text me to invite me to his extended family Christmas celebration on Boxing Day and my initial reaction was 'oh god no!' because of the food. Obviously I am going to go but it's probably not fair for me to criticise him for not inviting me to his parents' on his actual bday and worrying about his commitment levels when I haven't been too keen on spending extra time together in the past. I feel silly for only realising this now.

I am probably not the easiest person to live with which is also possibility why I have been reluctant to take the next step and my eating disorder has definitely played a part in me holding back. I have never lived with anyone else before. Also from years of reading mumsnet the idea of selling my house and moving in with him scares me in case it doesn't work out

This says to me that it is even more important that is you are seriously thinking of buying somewhere together in a couple of years, that you "trial run" things a bit first.

You could take turn and turn about - live together at yours for a week then his for a week. Or, as has been suggested above, start a bit more slowly by staying over the night before you wfh and live together a bit more than you are (though this will still feel like visiting I should imagine). The tricky bits about living together are coping when you feel poorly, or when very stressed about work or exams, or money or worrying about a family member, or bereavement etc. You sort of have to be living together all the time to see how you get on with that, and how you each cope when you can't say "I'm not coming over this week"

But, as others have said, usually this early on in a relationship, people are wanting to be together as much as they can. A mere 30mins from each other, or mere hour's commute isn't usually enough to put off staying with each other when it is someone who you love.

@UsingChangeofName I think you are right and the instigation of one night during the week as well as weekends is part of us working towards that. I know it sounds slow, and it is, but as I explained in other posts I think my eating disorder has held me back really. Ostensibly I am reasonably 'normal' around food - I can go for meals out, eat at others' houses etc but until a bit of a wake up call about a year ago there was lots of private preparation, mathematics and restriction in order to be able to do these things. Then when I changed things up about a year ago and began to eat an adequate amount each day, not 'saving' calories for the weekends or events, I became very protective over my recovery and fearful of anything that might destabilise it such as being out of my 'safe' routine and at my boyfriend's for an extra night in the week without access to my usual foods and eating habits. If I am honest, not being able to exercise on that day was probably also a bit of a fear/deterrent - exercise is something I have actively been reducing since September. Bf is aware of my food issues and very supportive. I feel comfortable doing the extra weeknight now so perhaps I will suggest adding another weeknight in and see how that goes - that way we would be seeing each other 4 days out of 7 - and in the meantime continue to work on my recovery so that eventually being with each other 24/7 could be a possibility.

Lol at me thinking it was bf with the commitment issues when actually it is me and my eating disorder...

Well, that is a positive step that this thread has helped you work that out for yourself

@UsingChangeofName thank you for helping me to realise this. I can't believe I've been blind to it for so long.