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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever met someone who...

39 replies

cremeeggs · 06/03/2008 20:51

just gets under your skin? Started working with someone a year go and well I certainly don't think I fancy him as such but he has unsettled me. We get on very well and it just feels as if there's a connection - but in a friends kind of way - but then recently he's started holding my gaze and I have been feeling that funny tummy-stirring thing, don't know why! i do think about him in an escapist kind of way (he's foreign, from a very different cultural background and seems very other-worldly) but I couldn't imagine anything ever happening between us. I'm happily married with two dcs - he is single, but same age as me. I don't think I do like him in that way but I can't imagine not seeing him often (which is a possibility as I may stop working there soon!) Anyone had this? Am I just bored (nearly 12 years of marriage?) I feel gulity/unfaithful just for typing this!

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cupcake78 · 06/03/2008 21:24

Everyone enjoys the chase and its flattering to get attention from someone new. From what you've said you have no intention of taking it further so just enjoy the ego boost, keep it under control and you'll be fine.

It certaily is not cheating it's just silly honest fun.

It's good to know you've still got it

vInTaGeVioLeT · 06/03/2008 21:32

oh dear - sounds like a lot of chemistry going on there! Change your job and lose contact with him - it's very flattering when someone pays you a bit of attention and yes you've been married 12 years it's bound to get a bit boring - i'd try and put a bit more effort in with your DP - 'cause if you play with fire you will surely get your fingers burnt
go take a look at your kids asleep in bed - have a good look around your home - think about how much you love your family and what kaos and destruction you'd cause if you let things progress with your collegue - it's really not worth it.
sorry to sound dramatic.

Original poster
cremeeggs · 06/03/2008 21:32

yes, when you look at it like that, he certainly does brighten up my day!

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Original poster
cremeeggs · 06/03/2008 21:34

know you're right vintage, that's what I keep telling myself...it's just hard when someone gets under your skin!

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vInTaGeVioLeT · 06/03/2008 21:35

also if you already feel guilty and nothings happened - it can't be good news

how would you feel if your DP was feeling this way about a woman at work?

Original poster
cremeeggs · 06/03/2008 21:39

you are so right vintage, I hadn't actually thought of it that way - not that he would as he's in an all male environment but it's certainly somthing that hadn't crossed my mind. I keep thinking why can't I be friends with a man, but I know it's more complicated than that. I do wonder if I've imagined it all anyway and maybe he's just friendly. I'm not exactly Kate Moss - far from it!!

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tearinghairout · 06/03/2008 21:43

Just be a bit careful - even if you have every intention of not taking it seriously ot taking it further, he might have other ideas. If he pursues you, it can be very flattering/unsettling and you might find yourselfgetting drawn in. This happened to me, with no encouragement (I liked him but didn't fancy him). Ended up with his wife ringing my bf & accusing me...

Best to nip it in the bud, and let him know ther's no chance. It's a shame, but for the best.

vInTaGeVioLeT · 06/03/2008 21:46

cremeeggs i really feel for you and will watch this thread . . . . be good

Original poster
cremeeggs · 06/03/2008 21:53

I know you are all so right, but I have a pang of sadness at the thought of never seeing him again. I can't explain it. it's definitely not lust, i just really like his company and I kind of feel as if he deserves friendship rather than assuming he's only after one thing - because he's a bloke - if that makes any sense!

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beaniesteve · 06/03/2008 21:59

Do you actually know him? do you ever talk to eachother?

Sounds to me (specially from your 'he's foreign' comment) that you are projecting onto him something that you think he is like but really have no idea at all what he is like as a person, if he shares your values, if you have anything in common.

it's a crudh if you ask me.

Original poster
cremeeggs · 06/03/2008 22:04

I know him pretty well - his English is excellent, and we are on the same wavelength in terms of our views about the company, other colleagues etc. I know a lot about his background and what he does in his spare time. I don't know him beyond a friendship level if that's what you mean, but I find I can read his moods and can often predict what his reactions will be.

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pelafina · 07/03/2008 08:44

Message withdrawn

mummybrains · 07/03/2008 09:31

Cremeeggs, please be careful here. It's easy to convince yourself of all sorts of things when the thrill of a potential encounter begins to loom. Sounds like you are doing the right thing by questioning your feelings already. It's easy to get sucked in to something more serious and the consequenses can be disastrous. (Trust me!) You know yourself best - and whether you are strong enough to just enjoy these feelings or whether you are in danger of letting it overtake you.
I'd like to believe it's possible to have a platonic friendship with a man - but I've never been lucky enough to meet one - either one or other (or both) of us has had feelings for the other. Maybe this bloke is different.. ? Just keep it under control and enjoy the buzz - but keep your head on.
Take care

Celery · 07/03/2008 09:41

I agree with pelafina, kind of. I'm not the type of person to have lots of friends, or even any really really good friends, but I met a man a few months ago, and we just clicked straight away, and have an amazing connection. We are both happily married, with children, and because of how comfortable we feel in each other's company, we've acknowledged that we could potentially be playing a dangerous game, and the need to be careful and respect our partners. It just feels fantastic to meet somebody who is on the same wavelength, it's a rare thing. But you do need to make sure that he wants the same thing as you - ie friendship - and you do need to always put your marriage first.

Original poster
cremeeggs · 07/03/2008 09:50

Thank you all, you've really made me look at it from all angles. Pelafina, I think you have hit the nail on the head about not denying the possibility of good friendship, and I feel very strongly that he deserves to be given the chance to have this friendship (I sense he is often quite lonely). But I'm very aware of the potential pitfalls, just not sure where it could all lead as I think I'm a bit confused - I think the buzz you describe is exactly what it's been like!And celery you are so right about making sure he just wants to be mates too, and that's probably the bit I'm least certain about, although, as I'm a dumpy, not particularly attractive size 16 I find it hard to believe he could be seriously interested (and that has been my safety net to some extent!)

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princessosyth · 07/03/2008 10:10

I disagree with Pelafina and Celery. Just because there is the potential for a good friendship doesn't mean that it should be pursued. Celery, the fact that you have acknowledged to each other that you both could be playing a dangerous game suggests that you both know that you are. Celery, I think you need to be really careful because although you have said that you respect your partners feelings and are putting your marriage first etc how would you feel if you fell in love with your new friend? It is a possibility that this could happen isn't it?

If dh came home and said that he had met this amazing woman at work who he couldn't imagine not seeing ever again, who he felt a connection to but wasn't sure whether they fancied each other... well I wouldn't exactly be over the moon.

Pe

stuffitllama · 07/03/2008 10:14

Sorry going to be harsh.

The connection is probably no more than that you fancy each other and might have a shag if you were single. But because you can't have a shag or even flirt you have inserted an emotional story to your relationship which, if he were a woman, would be no more than friendship.

Sorry it is harsh I know.

Original poster
cremeeggs · 07/03/2008 10:18

It is harsh, stuffit, but probably what I need to hear. Life is so complicated...

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stuffitllama · 07/03/2008 10:19

It's a sod sometimes. Hope things go well x

Celery · 07/03/2008 10:26

I am being careful. I think if falling in love was going to factor into it, it would have happened by now. We are both making a conscious effort to develop the friendship/s as two couples rather than excluding our partners.

pelafina · 07/03/2008 10:27

Message withdrawn

stuffitllama · 07/03/2008 10:30

Your doing the right thing. Pelafina I'm not suggesting anyone is a lesbian, I'm not sure how you picked that up.

pelafina · 07/03/2008 10:32

Message withdrawn

mummybrains · 07/03/2008 10:34

I admire you Pelafina and Celery for being mature enough to handle these relationships so well. Good on you both - but we're not all as sensible!
I don't know about Cremeegg - I don't know what's really going on in her mind - I just agree she needs to be thoroughly aware of the potential dangers - speaking as one of the weak ones who has been there and f*cked up badly.
x

Original poster
cremeeggs · 07/03/2008 10:34

I know where Stuffit's coming gfrom, in fact this guy could be a woman in some ways in terms of our firendship, it's just the eye gazing bit that unsettles me (as I know I wouldn't get this if he was a woman!)

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