To be more mysterious and less available

[Confusedaboutmen]

Last few guys I’ve dated (from online) fairly long term have said or hinted that I should be less available and more mysterious.

I have no idea what they are talking about as I am very independent. I work in a high level stressful job with long hours meaning while we spoke every day, I’d maybe see them once during the week and on the weekends.

I’d never be first to message or call. I certainly have my own life with hobbies and friends.

Why are men saying this??

Because they have bullshit attachment issues.

Carry on as you are. Obviously in the early stages of dating don’t accelerate intimacy but having a healthy approach to getting to know someone is fine.

What were their actual words OP? Because I've never met a bloke who complained that the girl he was seeing wasn't mysterious enough.

Were you dating Peter Andre?

I think men like women who ‘aren’t like the others’ which is just another type of bullshit really…

It’s a weird thing to be repeatedly said ! Especially so if you feel you’re the opposite. I agree that being clingy and not having your own life is a big turn off for either sex.
Have they given examples?

Honestly I think it may be attachment styles

and wanting the thrill of the chase, wanting someone difficult to attain

I am very independent, not clingy…and very much have my own life

bizarre 🤷‍♀️

You dated two idiots. It's been known to happen.

Aquamarine1029 👍

This concerns a level of game playing you may not wish to indulge, OP, but - even though you don’t spend all that much time together, are you always available to fall in with their plans? Maybe they want to experience the thrill of the chase?

You can do better. But maybe if you are modifying your life to get together with your dates, don’t go more than halfway in the future.

I used to be all in straight away..im more independent now, have my own life, im mysterious anyway because im scoping them out weighing their behaviour up, i am available but not all the time. Its healthy OP. Youve just had couple experiences with couple of unavailable douchebags. Its not you. Probably feel threatened by you tbh.

I suspect you're doing nothing wrong at all; just being honestly available in line with your feelings. Which should be exactly right.

If you're busy a lot of the time and then open and honest when you're available, then you're being you. Which should be enough. Sack off the two game players; when you meet the right guy, the level of "neediness" or contact you want will be the right level of contact.

Made me LOL! But no thanks for the ear worm.

Because this sort of undermining is a way to see if you'll change to please them.

Don't

Given that you say you're independent, it does sound like they're either after a sexual fantasy, the thrill of the case which is just not sustainable, or the reason they they want you to be less available is that they are not planning to be available for you like that

They don't want commitment, and so they might find it frustrating when you are available as that escalates the intensity and progression of your relationship simply because they then have to spend time with you. They might prefer to keep things cool and slow so they can keep you dangling as a side dish whilst keeping their options open.

I'm sorry but Peter Andre is MY boyfriend

Why do you care? That'll be something about attachment style too, probably.

Why waste your time psychoanalysing people you don't know who are telling you to correct the way you are when they don't even know you?

Watchkeys erm…I do know them.

Perhaps they are wanting a coquettish sort of "Oooh chase me!" kind of woman who wants to be wooed, and you're not the type to faff about with that sort of thing and prefer to just get on with it.

Right, sorry. Misread it, must've been distracted. Try this:

Why waste your time psychoanalysing people who are telling you to correct the way you are?

Same point stands: attachment style, and it's not theirs.

Watchkeys right 😂

I would think it's their way of saying keep quiet and I'll let you know when I'm interested in a hookup. They aren't interested in developing a real connection with a 'mysterious' woman

Denial too?

OP. It must be attachment style. I used to be like that (full life, busy but still probably came across as needy)

The initial secret to being mysterious is multidate (no sex, maybe a kiss). Then you can't over invest in any of them

Then you decide if anyone is worthy of your precious time. Good luck

Trust me, I’m really not needy at all. I have a secure attachment style.

I agree samestyle

Why are you trying to work out why people do what they do, then? It's a hallmark of an anxious attachment style. What makes you think you have a secure style? You could have a little bit of anxious in there.

Most people with a secure style would say they were mostly secure but xyz can make them anxious/avoidant. Are you the one pure secure person?