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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know it’s time to go my heart is broken

29 replies

DWSDB · 07/10/2023 06:35

He is so horrible to me and switches from being a nice guy to cruel and passive in seconds. I’m pregnant and he threatens to leave me when we argue and even when I’ve done nothing wrong it’s me who begs him to stay and when I’ve calmed down from the loss of it all I realise how stupid I’ve been to put up with it but don’t want to start another war.

When he was storming off tonight I said I don’t deserve this and he’s said I don’t deserve anything on top of the other cruel and callous things he has said.

this has happened because his pet rabbit died and he went out so I cleared the cage, dug a hole and wrapped the rabbit in a blanket so he wouldn’t have to do it. I thought I was doing the right thing and was told that I’m awful and never cared about the rabbit and I’m happy to get rid of it. Then basically got angry at me because I cried over the poor thing dying.

we only went to sleep from this fight after he’s told me all about myself and didn’t let me defend myself. He’s then told me it’ll be okay and stroked my hair and spoke to the baby. I’ve woken up and can’t stop crying and I can tell he’s frustrated with me for this even though he’s stroking my back and saying it’s all okay. It’s not okay and if I mention anything now it’ll be the final straw and he will go and I know it’s the right thing for him to go but I’m not strong enough to handle it.

He has no respect for me and swears at me and calls me names. I think this is a trauma bond because I’ve started to think I deserve it. He’s said to me ‘you won’t ever leave me’ and the more I write this I see how bad it’s got.

It’s his birthday today which I’ve planned nicely and I know I’ll just have to shut up and put up with it today but I’m past the breaking point now.

OP posts:
SUCkythings · 07/10/2023 06:38

That sounds terrible. You are right, it’s to lime to go. Fill that baby’s life with happiness and laughter. I would just block him and not try to explain.

Dery · 07/10/2023 06:51

Yes, it is time to go. He’s appallingly abusive and will cast a long shadow over your child’s life because of all the emotional and psychological violence. Don’t tell him you’re leaving. Abusers can become more dangerous when they’re being left. Do you have support in real life? Somewhere you can go? Are you married (this has a bearing on his parental responsibility)?

DWSDB · 07/10/2023 06:54

My mum and dad are home later today but they won’t want me there forever. We aren’t married but have a mortgage together, 2 dogs and a cat. It’s his birthday and I can’t do it today as he will just throw it back at me. We were all supposed to spend the day together for him.. I’m absolutely lost. I just want the person I fell in love with back but obviously he doesn’t exist.

OP posts:
DWSDB · 07/10/2023 06:56

He wouldn’t hit me I don’t believe it for a second he would but he would taunt me when I go

OP posts:
DWSDB · 07/10/2023 06:58

I’m lying in bed next to him and can smell his smell that was once so comforting and I just want to let it go and cuddle into him but I know I can’t. I’m so alone

OP posts:
GoodVibesHere · 07/10/2023 07:02

If you stay with him and you have a baby boy your son will grow up with him as a male role model of how to behave towards women. If you have a baby girl she will learn that this is how women are treated, it will be her norm. They will not have an easy life or be in a safe and nurturing environment.

You do deserve a better life, you deserve to live in peace and stability . He's not being kind and caring, he will not change or stop his behaviour and actions, if anything he will get worse and you will be destroyed.

Leave him. Your heart will mend in time because I know it feels brojen right now but you will become even stronger, you will be happy and free and you can give your child the best life.

Auliza · 07/10/2023 07:03

He sounds horrible. I’d do it today, on his birthday, just to give him that extra surprise.

Sorry to see this OP, you know what you need to do and that’s the hardest part. You’ll make a better life for you and your baby apart from him.

MaryLivingOnDreamsAndCustardCreams · 07/10/2023 07:03

Does he have a bad relationship with his mother? This latest episode could be caused by his birthday if so. You need to run Flowers

LadyB49 · 07/10/2023 07:07

I want to hold your hand and tell you that life could be good again. You are afraid of the unknown. Do you have any support. Please don't accept this.
Ring Women's Aid for help. Once you take the step and go things will take care of themselves.

DWSDB · 07/10/2023 07:11

Yeah he’s got a bad relationship with his mum.. In a lot of ways I think we are similar as she isn’t well mentally either. No wonder given the circumstances.

I just want to go back to sleep I’ve only slept for about 2 hours but my heads just buzzing and I’m lost. He said to me last night we will start a fresh today and act normal but I don’t know how either of us can do it. Hes obviously hurt from some misperception of what I’ve said/done/who I am and I’m just borderline suicidal so I don’t know how tf to get through these next few hours

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 07/10/2023 07:12

You can not bring a child into that toxic situation. You really have to leave. X

DWSDB · 07/10/2023 07:13

Sorry I don’t want to scare anyone I have absolutely no plans to end my life, never with kids

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 07/10/2023 07:14

Please protect your mental health and go to your mum and dads, you need care, love and support. So what if it’s his birthday he doesn’t get to treat you like that and then have a special day planned. Take care of you and bump.

PimpMyFridge · 07/10/2023 07:23

Oh sweetheart, if you were my daughter I'd welcome you home and you could stay as long as you needed to! I hope your parents can give some support, can you tell them the truth?

As much as you feel you lack strength for a big traumatic change now (and I really feel for you, sending virtual hugs), it will only get harder and harder the longer you stay because whatever is left of your self esteem will continue to be hacked away.

What you did with the rabbit was an act of love. You anticipated his pain of dealing with it, and acted to protect him from that, not only that, but you treated the rabbit with respect and care. You were motivated by a desire to support him at losing his pet. That was such a gently loving selfless thing to do- well done on your humanity and caring heart - your baby is going to be so lucky to have such a wonderful person for a mum.

When your baby arrives, leaving him will get more complicated, because any bond they create will complicate the decision.
Because he is a nasty person who is not interested in treating you with respect, but is interested in keeping you crushed and taking out any bad feelings he has on you, he will weaponise the baby to make you doubt your choices, feel like a shit mum, and also to l as another means to hurt you. For him this baby will add to his knife collection of things he can stab your heart with...

Instinctively he knows that you leaving is easier now than when baby arrives, you can expect him to become more nasty once you are vulnerable as a new mum because that is a time in your life when you need support and have a tiny wee life to think about, it is a really bad time to be in the company of and abusive person.

There are many uncertainties as you find your feet with baby, someone's they cry a lot and you don't always know why straight away, everyone figures it all out eventually (don't worry), but f* me you don't want someone pouring poison in your ear, blaming you, demanding you sort it out or accusing you if not knowing what you're doing and being a crap mum (which lets face it, is his likely approach).

Becoming a mum can be a big challenge, it's well worth it and wonderful too, but also tiring and with the willingness he showed to misread your actions and lash out with cruelty your new motherhood will be so so much harder.

Not everyone falls in love with their baby immediately, and that's ok, but many do and the beauty of that experience, however it happens, will be stolen and trampled if you are with him then.

Your strength has been undermined and stolen by this, which is understandable - anyone would in the face of such hateful acts... But it won't get any better and you don't want a lifetime of this for you or your beautiful child... reach out to any real life support you have and escape before baby arrives.

makeminealargeoneagain · 07/10/2023 07:25

Go to your mums and stay there. Get away from him as he is abusive and doesn't respect you. Build a new life for yourself and your child away from him. Good luck x

PimpMyFridge · 07/10/2023 07:26

Your feelings of despair are reasonable, you are in a scary cruel unsafe situation. Long term trauma takes its toll. You never relax because you are always watching it for and managing his reactions...

Once you are living without him, things can start to get better.

Sorchamarie · 07/10/2023 07:28

"He’s appallingly abusive and will cast a long shadow over your child’s life because of all the emotional and psychological violence."

This. Please want better for your innocent child.

Sorchamarie · 07/10/2023 07:31

Sorry OP. That sounded heartless of me. I do understand it's incredibly hard to leave your abuser (and make no mistake, this man is very emotionally abusive and it's extremely unlikely he'll ever change). I just hate seeing children being brought into these awful situations. Best of luck.

MinnieMountain · 07/10/2023 07:32

He’s going to think whatever he wants about you regardless of the date you leave. Go today.

Zonder · 07/10/2023 07:40

It sounds like you have kids but they're not his? I would be asking him to leave, rather than leaving myself. I also wouldn't wait. He can have the birthday he deserves.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/10/2023 07:58

Sorry to hear you are going through this emotional abuse and he is gas lighting you also. The sad thing is most abuse begins when a woman is pregnant and it will only get worse when the baby arrives and he is not the center of attention or the baby is crying etc.
I would pack your things and leave as it will be harder when you have the baby. Stay with your parents for a few days and contact Women's refuge/aid and get some advise from them and maybe you can stay there for a while until they can help you to get your own place and they can help you to also get supports in place and counselling. There are so many red flags and you will feel relieved when you are out of this horrible situation as not fair to bring a child up in this crazy environment. I know it seems horrible now but you need to leave and clear your head and open up to your family/friends as you have done nothing wrong and he is being horrible to you when you are pregnant and vulnerable. Please keep posting on here for support and you deserve better and he will only drag you down further and you will be a shell of the person you once were. Keep safe and it does not matter it is his birthday as he does not deserve for you to pretend all is ok.

DWSDB · 07/10/2023 10:40

Thanks everyone I’ve managed to get a few hours sleep. I feel stronger now. I’m going to go ahead with today and be nice and normal. I’m going to speak to my parents tomorrow and hopefully we can make a plan through this. I can’t do it on his birthday, I know that the reason is valid to but I just can’t.

Its sad because his parents and people who know him would be mortified if he saw how he treats me, I think his parents are scared of him.
Im also worried because my mat pay is absolutely shocking and how I’ll afford the house and bills on my own.

OP posts:
KateMiddletonsExtensions · 07/10/2023 10:54

Zonder · 07/10/2023 07:40

It sounds like you have kids but they're not his? I would be asking him to leave, rather than leaving myself. I also wouldn't wait. He can have the birthday he deserves.

She's mentioned dogs and a cat and the ex-rabbit but not children.

DWSDB · 07/10/2023 10:55

I meant the one I have growing

OP posts:
Booklover40 · 07/10/2023 11:01

Hes obviously hurt from some misperception of what I’ve said/done/who I am

No, he isn’t. He’s an abusive, nasty cunt who gets pleasure from tormenting you and then reeling you back in with niceties. No wonder you don’t know whether you’re up or down. It’s seriously sick of him to be treating you like this when you’re pregnant.

He’s doing it because he can, and it’ll get worse when you have the baby. Please speak to women’s aid.

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