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Original poster

Another birthday one

41 replies

Pickingmyselfup · 07/10/2023 06:13

My birthday was yesterday and I got absolutely zilch from my husband. We had had a discussion about getting me another fitness watch but decided against it as it wouldn't be any better than my current one. I didn't want anything else so I wasn't expecting a grand gesture.

However he normally puts in a bit of effort and comes home with flowers and prosecco. Last year I got that as well as something else I asked for.

This year I made it clear I wanted a coffee made for me in the morning because 3 years ago he left for work without even uttering happy birthday and I didn't hear anything until 8.30am when I received an email saying happy birthday. I wasn't at work so he could have rung me and it was the start of troubled times ahead.

3 years on after explaining how unappreciated I felt and how birthdays are important to me I thought things would be different. I made it clear it wasn't about fancy presents but a handmade card from the kids, a coffee in bed, flowers, even a muffin with a candle in.

This year I got my coffee and then he handed me a shop bought card from the kids (they had written their names in it) and a box of chocolates (unwrapped) also from the kids.

I went to work and when I finished, picked the kids up and was intending to go straight to the post office to collect my birthday present from my mum. Due to a poorly crying child I rang my husband and asked if he could go after he finished which he did. I made a start on the kids dinner and then he walks in empty handed (apart from the gin I had already asked him to buy) and watches me open my present from my mum.

I couldn't deal with it any longer, told him exactly what I thought and walked out. I've told him bluntly that I felt very unappreciated, he was shit and he ruined my birthday. I asked why he couldn't have even got me flower's whilst he was at the supermarket and he's like I didn't know you wanted some.

I barely spoke to him, slept elsewhere very badly and have come down to find my "present" (the gin which he said was my present) still in the shopping bag, he hasn't even bothered to chill it.

He thinks I'm being a baby because it's just one day and he shows he cares on other days which I do agree with buy he knows that birthdays are important to me and I like to feel a bit special. There is no reason why it has to be an either or situation, he can be a good person generally and also on the 2 days of the year (birthday and mother's day) he can ham it up a little bit by learning how to cook so he can make me a nice dinner. He was great on mother's day, he took the kids to choose me flowers and a card and made me breakfast in bed which the kids helped deliver and we had a lovely family day out.

Right now it's 6am, I've been awake since 2am and I feel incredibly alone. When asked what did my husband get me for my birthday I'll be like nothing and I know they will be shocked and ask "what not even a card?" Then I'll feel like I have the world's worst husband and he's not but right now to me he is.

He's seen me on the kids birthdays, there are balloons, cake, candles, presents and I know they are kids but I want them to feel special and maybe I'm childish but that's how I want to feel too. I've spent enough years cooking him his favourite birthday dinner, getting the kids to make a card. Last year he didn't want a present so I went out and got him a load of his favourite snacks and drinks and put them in a gift bag and I got him a nice card then cooked the dinner he asked for.

He's generally awful with birthdays, I remind him to sort his mum out because I don't want her to feel forgotten.

He's annoyed with me because I'm so upset that I don't even want to look at him, he doesn't understand what the problem is because for him birthdays are meh.

I don't know how to get past this and I genuinely think this will lead to our divorce. We've been down this path and we really turned a corner and we were in a great place but now this has happened and I feel like it's my job to suck it up and behave like an adult and forget it ever happened. But right now I can't.

I don't know what to do honestly.

OP posts:
Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 07/10/2023 06:22

I'm sorry you were made to feel like this. Missing the point of the thread but we are birthday buddies 😃
For different reasons to yours, my day was also shit and I didn't open a single card or gift and even though mine was for a valid reason (husband very ill with covid 🙄) it felt shit.
I know this thread will probably cause a bunch of posters to tell you "it's only a birthday" or some nonsense. But it isn't, for 2 reasons.

  1. if something is important to you and you've voiced that, then him ignoring it is telling you that your voice and feelings don't matter to him. You don't matter. No-one wants to feel that way.
  2. adults do so much for everyone else all the time. Everyone else's needs and wants get put first 99% of the time and birthdays are the one chance to really put you front and centre for a change and I don't think it's childish to want that.
  3. its setting a poor example to your children that mum doesn't deserve the same attention and effort that everyone else gets on their birthday. So I'm afraid I have no advice, but I hear you and you're totally valid for feeling how you do. It isn't the birthday. It isn't the gift. It's the underlying message that you aren't worth the effort that stings. I'm sorry 😞 x
Mummy08m · 07/10/2023 06:28

Yanbu.

If this were my dh (and occasionally has been but not as bad) I'd give him a chance to make up for it by pretending it's your birthday on some other date coming up soon (eg next weekend). He must go all out effort-wise. He can involve the kids too "we were too busy to give mum a proper birthday this week so let's do it next weekend, here's the plan..."

Right now maybe he feels bad but can't make up for it as the day has passed. Or maybe he doesn't give a shit and LTB is the way. But this gives you a way of finding out.

Readingineading · 07/10/2023 06:28

Jesus Christ, He is annoyed at you ?!!.
Nah mate, he has , with full knowledge of how you feel about your Birthday, chosen to hurt your feelings.
He is a selfish cunt.

se22mother · 07/10/2023 06:33

Birthday was also yesterday- happy birthday. Between a gruelling day at work and having to cancel plans as the teen was unexpectedly staying at boarding school for the weekend.

se22mother · 07/10/2023 06:34

And sorry for the selfish DH

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2023 06:35

He knows how you feel about birthdays. He knew it was your birthday. He was somewhere he could have bought flowers. He has the literal internet (I bought someone a present today in about 2 minutes without leaving the sofa).

He just doesn't care enough to do it.

The fact that he finds birthdays meh doesn't matter. I'm sure you endure things you find meh for him.

Original poster
Pickingmyselfup · 07/10/2023 06:46

I've just tried to explain it again and he still doesn't get it. I said you didn't even put the gin away, it's still in the shopping bag like some after thought.

He wants to do me breakfast in bed but I can't face fake pretending that it's all OK because it's not. I can't stop the way I feel right now.

OP posts:
Orange67 · 07/10/2023 06:47

Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 07/10/2023 06:22

I'm sorry you were made to feel like this. Missing the point of the thread but we are birthday buddies 😃
For different reasons to yours, my day was also shit and I didn't open a single card or gift and even though mine was for a valid reason (husband very ill with covid 🙄) it felt shit.
I know this thread will probably cause a bunch of posters to tell you "it's only a birthday" or some nonsense. But it isn't, for 2 reasons.

  1. if something is important to you and you've voiced that, then him ignoring it is telling you that your voice and feelings don't matter to him. You don't matter. No-one wants to feel that way.
  2. adults do so much for everyone else all the time. Everyone else's needs and wants get put first 99% of the time and birthdays are the one chance to really put you front and centre for a change and I don't think it's childish to want that.
  3. its setting a poor example to your children that mum doesn't deserve the same attention and effort that everyone else gets on their birthday. So I'm afraid I have no advice, but I hear you and you're totally valid for feeling how you do. It isn't the birthday. It isn't the gift. It's the underlying message that you aren't worth the effort that stings. I'm sorry 😞 x

This is a fab reply so I'm just reiterating this.

Happy birthday both 🎂

BedtimeCuppa · 07/10/2023 06:49

My exH got me absolutely nothing, including not even telling my young children it was my birthday or getting them to do me even a homemade card, on my 30th. The previous year I had organised him four days away for a once-in-a-lifetime music concert for his. His lack of bothering played a large part in me realising he didn’t really care about me as an individual, and leaving him a couple of years later.

It is now many years after that, I have a long term DP who genuinely loves me…for my birthday earlier this week he helped children organise their bits, he wrote me a lovely card, bought me a travel blanket for my car as he knows I get cold waiting in school runs, oh and he made us a picnic lunch as both had day off, which we had in the car due to rain, laughing and kissing. Not much money was spent at all, but I felt cherished.

You need to calmly but firmly communicate with him about the importance/what affect him continuing to do this will have.

Original poster
Pickingmyselfup · 07/10/2023 06:49

Last year he got me flower's and some prosecco as well as the presents I asked for and a card. I had a really nice birthday and this year I spent my birthday evening in the bath drinking prosecco by myself and then being awake most of the night.

I hate that he's put me in the position where I have to either let it go or it ruins our marriage. It could have all been avoided with a card and some flowers.

OP posts:
BedtimeCuppa · 07/10/2023 06:53

It’s not the first time is it, you’d already discussed the importance three years ago. The “troubled times” you mentioned, were they to do with other examples of his not bothering?

FollowYourDog · 07/10/2023 06:53
Happy Birthday GIF by Hello All

Even if he doesn't care for birthdays he should have gotten you something because you do care and have had a talk about it previously so he is aware you care.
Even these thoughtless men are much more thoughtful when it's a new woman they are trying to get in her pants and impress. He is taking you for granted that you won't leave him now you're "stuck" with kids.
He is an arsehole..I'm sorry. Happy belated birthday 💐☕️🎁🎂

Readingineading · 07/10/2023 06:54

Pickingmyselfup · 07/10/2023 06:49

Last year he got me flower's and some prosecco as well as the presents I asked for and a card. I had a really nice birthday and this year I spent my birthday evening in the bath drinking prosecco by myself and then being awake most of the night.

I hate that he's put me in the position where I have to either let it go or it ruins our marriage. It could have all been avoided with a card and some flowers.

Id tell him exactly that.

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2023 06:56

He’s the one who ruined it; not your fault - it’s not good enough

Kangaranga · 07/10/2023 06:56

I would get him zilch for his birthday and wouldn't even wish him a happy birthday after that. How selfish! I'm so sorry OP

mdinbc · 07/10/2023 07:36

Sorry, but you had coffee in bed, a card and chocolates and a gift from your mother. I think you are creating drama. Don't hang onto negativity from three years ago! Obviously dates mean more to you than to him so why not make a dinner reservation in advance so you have a chance to have a nice evening.

Original poster
Pickingmyselfup · 07/10/2023 07:37

Well he's up, dressed, fully apologetic and ready to make an effort to give me a proper birthday. So we will see, I'm not ready to forgive him yet but he's making a small step in the right direction.

I've told him exactly how I feel and I've made it clear that this is never to happen again because if it does then no apologies will prove he actually does care enough to make an effort.

OP posts:
Letsbepractical · 07/10/2023 07:39

@mdinbc - I disagree. OP voiced several times how important birthdays are to her. A loving partner would listen to that and act accordingly.
He shows you disrespect. He knows you would be upset yet he doesn’t care.
You have every right to feel upset, OP.
If he shows up poorly in other aspects of relationship you may have to reconsider your marriage.

obje · 07/10/2023 07:44

Pickingmyselfup · 07/10/2023 07:37

Well he's up, dressed, fully apologetic and ready to make an effort to give me a proper birthday. So we will see, I'm not ready to forgive him yet but he's making a small step in the right direction.

I've told him exactly how I feel and I've made it clear that this is never to happen again because if it does then no apologies will prove he actually does care enough to make an effort.

Hope you have the lovely day you deserve 💐
And hopefully this time the message has fully sunk in

Colinswheels · 07/10/2023 07:54

It was my birthday yesterday too and I would have been very disappointed with this level of effort. My husband isn't always great with choosing gifts so I chose and bought my own this year. However it was nicely presented to me along with a gift bag full of treats. He also made me my favourite dinner and we are going out to a restaurant tonight with my family which he organised.

Your DH needs to do better if you've made it clear it's important to you, it's not hard to at least get a nice bag and put some treats in.

TammyJones · 07/10/2023 09:12

mdinbc · 07/10/2023 07:36

Sorry, but you had coffee in bed, a card and chocolates and a gift from your mother. I think you are creating drama. Don't hang onto negativity from three years ago! Obviously dates mean more to you than to him so why not make a dinner reservation in advance so you have a chance to have a nice evening.

Totally - problem solved.
Also sounds like you have different love languages - check out love language quizzes online.
For some people presents are a big deal - others just aren't bothered.
For some acts of service make them feel special eg. Dh hoovers the house - and for other's physical expression or quality time.
It can be a mix but usually one will be dominant.
Fir me it's physical expression- cuddles and hand holding- dh is on board with this.
But quality time is very important to me - not so with Dh - watching tv together is not quality time.
So even those I know he loves me I do need that - in the same way op needs a fuss / attention on her birthday.
So she needs to clearly communicate (No hinting) this to her dh.

MidnightMeltdown · 07/10/2023 09:20

That is really crap. Its the thoughtlessness that would upset me.

The problem is, if he's only 'thoughtful' when you tell him to be, then it's not really genuine. He's not doing it because he wants to, he's doing it because you've told him to. It's not meaningful if it hasn't come spontaneously from him. You shouldn't have to force someone to get you a present.

Mummy08m · 07/10/2023 09:55

TammyJones · 07/10/2023 09:12

Totally - problem solved.
Also sounds like you have different love languages - check out love language quizzes online.
For some people presents are a big deal - others just aren't bothered.
For some acts of service make them feel special eg. Dh hoovers the house - and for other's physical expression or quality time.
It can be a mix but usually one will be dominant.
Fir me it's physical expression- cuddles and hand holding- dh is on board with this.
But quality time is very important to me - not so with Dh - watching tv together is not quality time.
So even those I know he loves me I do need that - in the same way op needs a fuss / attention on her birthday.
So she needs to clearly communicate (No hinting) this to her dh.

Show quote history

I do subscribe to the love languages theory but you can't use it as an excuse to be a shit partner.

My love language is words and dh is rubbish at that. I'm always telling him how wonderful he is and burbling away hyperbole about my love for him and he just nods. Once his aunt overheard and said "gosh that's so nice, aren't you going to say anything nice back" and I just laughed because I'm used to it. His love language is acts of service and it's taken me over a decade to realise this is what really makes him happy - I brought him a coffee in bed the other day for the first time in over a year (whereas he does this for me nearly everyday) and he was, like, comically happy about it. I cleaned the coffee water filter thing for him when he was out and he just lit up as if I'd given him a diamond ring (it needs doing again now, I might go do it).

You have to make an effort to do what will make your partner happy rather than just say "tough shit that's not my love language".

If op wants gifts and a bit of pomp and ceremony on her birthday, a loving dh should give her that rather than shrug that's not his love language.

Gowlett · 07/10/2023 10:00

Was your birthday yesterday? Or is it today?

MsRosley · 07/10/2023 10:00

There's one reason men like to minimise birthdays: they can't be arsed. It's too much effort to actually plan in advance because that means they have to think about someone else for a bit.

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