Another birthday one

[Pickingmyselfup]

My birthday was yesterday and I got absolutely zilch from my husband. We had had a discussion about getting me another fitness watch but decided against it as it wouldn't be any better than my current one. I didn't want anything else so I wasn't expecting a grand gesture.

However he normally puts in a bit of effort and comes home with flowers and prosecco. Last year I got that as well as something else I asked for.

This year I made it clear I wanted a coffee made for me in the morning because 3 years ago he left for work without even uttering happy birthday and I didn't hear anything until 8.30am when I received an email saying happy birthday. I wasn't at work so he could have rung me and it was the start of troubled times ahead.

3 years on after explaining how unappreciated I felt and how birthdays are important to me I thought things would be different. I made it clear it wasn't about fancy presents but a handmade card from the kids, a coffee in bed, flowers, even a muffin with a candle in.

This year I got my coffee and then he handed me a shop bought card from the kids (they had written their names in it) and a box of chocolates (unwrapped) also from the kids.

I went to work and when I finished, picked the kids up and was intending to go straight to the post office to collect my birthday present from my mum. Due to a poorly crying child I rang my husband and asked if he could go after he finished which he did. I made a start on the kids dinner and then he walks in empty handed (apart from the gin I had already asked him to buy) and watches me open my present from my mum.

I couldn't deal with it any longer, told him exactly what I thought and walked out. I've told him bluntly that I felt very unappreciated, he was shit and he ruined my birthday. I asked why he couldn't have even got me flower's whilst he was at the supermarket and he's like I didn't know you wanted some.

I barely spoke to him, slept elsewhere very badly and have come down to find my "present" (the gin which he said was my present) still in the shopping bag, he hasn't even bothered to chill it.

He thinks I'm being a baby because it's just one day and he shows he cares on other days which I do agree with buy he knows that birthdays are important to me and I like to feel a bit special. There is no reason why it has to be an either or situation, he can be a good person generally and also on the 2 days of the year (birthday and mother's day) he can ham it up a little bit by learning how to cook so he can make me a nice dinner. He was great on mother's day, he took the kids to choose me flowers and a card and made me breakfast in bed which the kids helped deliver and we had a lovely family day out.

Right now it's 6am, I've been awake since 2am and I feel incredibly alone. When asked what did my husband get me for my birthday I'll be like nothing and I know they will be shocked and ask "what not even a card?" Then I'll feel like I have the world's worst husband and he's not but right now to me he is.

He's seen me on the kids birthdays, there are balloons, cake, candles, presents and I know they are kids but I want them to feel special and maybe I'm childish but that's how I want to feel too. I've spent enough years cooking him his favourite birthday dinner, getting the kids to make a card. Last year he didn't want a present so I went out and got him a load of his favourite snacks and drinks and put them in a gift bag and I got him a nice card then cooked the dinner he asked for.

He's generally awful with birthdays, I remind him to sort his mum out because I don't want her to feel forgotten.

He's annoyed with me because I'm so upset that I don't even want to look at him, he doesn't understand what the problem is because for him birthdays are meh.

I don't know how to get past this and I genuinely think this will lead to our divorce. We've been down this path and we really turned a corner and we were in a great place but now this has happened and I feel like it's my job to suck it up and behave like an adult and forget it ever happened. But right now I can't.

I don't know what to do honestly.

This.
Happy birthday for yesterday OP.
As women we ensure everyone else has a great bday, i always make a fuss (not as much as i did but i don't forget)...everyone gets a cake and candles (i never had one when was a kid nor presents every year). I am also not spoiled on my birthday, and never a cake. So....fook em, i spoil myself 😁..but i dont overspoil anyone now. Personally id leave OH at home with kids and have a day out with a friend...nails, shopping, experience day, spa, drinks..anything.
I would also NOT go to town on his. Id buy him 4 cans beer and leave them on table in cheap carrier bag... day after his bday. Passive aggressive... absolutely! Because he aint listening.

If op wants gifts and a bit of pomp and ceremony on her birthday, a loving dh should give her that rather than shrug that's not his love language.
*
Unlike yourself I don't think op's dh knows about love languages that why I suggested the quiz

Yes I understand - but my point is that would surely just give him another excuse. Once he learns what his love language is via the quiz, that'll be his gotcha to op. "See? I'm not selfish, I just have a different love language to you, I don't do presents, aha"

Agreed.

You got your coffee in bed, card and chocolates, and the bottle of gin you asked him to pick up. Sounds like he would also have bought you a new fitness watch if you’d wanted one. But you said you didn’t want one, and you didn’t want anything else. 🤷‍♀️

You said yourself he shows he cares on other days, and he made a fuss of you on Mother’s Day. Some people just don’t ‘do’ birthdays.

But OP does do birthdays and he knows this. Is pure laziness on his behalf and hes taken her for granted. That gin was left dumped on table to make her feel guilty. Hes an arse

My husband also can't be bothered with my birthday. I wrestled for years with the question of why he made little to no effort on my birthday, and seemed to go out of his way to demonstrate he couldn't care less about me, when I make a lot of effort for his birthday. Last year I realised why. It's because he has narcissistic personality disorder. Ticks all the boxes. With hindsight I can see that all the red flags have been waving merrily at me for years, and birthdays are one of those red flags.

I read this the other day about birthdays and narcissists, which sums things up quite well. I guess only you can decide if this fits your situation too:

Birthdays are the smoking gun to a narcissist's detection. And what I mean by a narcissist's detection is, you can tell this person is a narcissist if they are doing these things on your birthday, okay?Narcissists don't like your birthday. In fact, they don't like you much most days, but on your birthday, they get even more upset. This is when their true nature shows, and it's not very smart, kind of like a toddler.Narcissists get angry and jealous because it's a day about you, and they hate that. They want to ruin your special day, steal the attention, and grab all the presents.Imagine having a narcissistic sibling. Every year on your birthday, they scream and cry, and the family tries to make them stop by giving them gifts too. This clever child gets away with it.Narcissists want to break your things because they can't stand you having nice stuff. They're like this with adults too. If you notice this behavior, it might mean they're narcissists.Here's how they act on your birthday: They might give you the same boring gift every year or pretend to forget your day. Some even arrive late and complain a lot, making the day about them.They could announce big news during your celebration to steal your spotlight. Or, they might not get you anything, not even a card, and just send a dry email.Some even say negative things about your age to bring you down. They can be really mean.Narcissists don't like seeing you happy on your special day because they want all the attention. They enjoy knowing you're alone on your birthday.

I hate that he's put me in the position where I have to either let it go or it ruins our marriage. It could have all been avoided with a card and some flowers.

This. The absolute worst thing about men (and it's often men) who can't be arsed with being nice on someone's special occasion is that you are forced by politeness and wanting to not ruin things further into an impossible place. You are either:

1. A bitch, nag, harridan, fishwife, scold [insert misogynistic term for a women who asks for what she wants]

OR

1. A mug, handmaiden, doormat, cool wife [insert misogynistic term for a women who doesn't ask for what she wants]

I don't want to be either of those. I want to express small, reasonable things I want or need, and have the person who loves me try to deliver. I just sent DH a couple of links for Christmas ideas, he will do the same for me. Very little thought or work required but we will get something nice and we will feel heard.

Yes...yes..yes.
I absolutely despise those misogynistic sexist etc terms used by men. 'nagging'... the word and its connotations is abhorrent...(and all the other words you mention). These terms are used to silence the woman so she internalises the accusations, am i really like that? No youre f**king not!!! In turn it takes the onus off of him and what's shes trying to address. I cannot stand it!

So to update...

He has been very apologetic, he genuinely feels bad for everything and he has made it up to me.

Whilst he was in the shop buying breakfast he got me some flowers, prosecco and a lovely card and just generally showed he cares.

I don't want to be a princess and stamp my feet about how things aren't good enough but I do just want my birthday (and mother's day) to be a bit out of the ordinary. Doesn't have to be expensive or flash but a bit of effort to make me feel like everyone does appreciate me. I feel parents of small children are often so bogged down with the daily grind that it's nice to show your teammate that you aren't taken for granted. We are both guilty of that day to day so those 2 days a year for both of us shouldn't go unnoticed.

I'm not going to be a tit about his birthday, as tempting as it is I want to put the effort in to show that he is appreciated as a husband and a father.

That's good OP. Hopefully this had taught him to make effort every time...mothers day.. birthday...christmas etc. Only time will tell. Gl xx

You summarized this so well

The straw that broke the camel’s back in my marriage was this.

After years of putting up with my ‘present’ being him taking me away for a night/weekend but it not being booked because he couldn’t organise childcare (we were inundated with parents, siblings, friends and godparents who would happily babysit) so if I got a present at all it was when I’d organised it and he eventually booked a hotel…

I complained and he promised to do better but didn’t.

On my 38th birthday I got a shop bought card from him and the kids and the usual “I’ll take you away for the night at some point.” Instead of smiling through it for his feelings I said “that’s not good enough” and he then offered to make me breakfast in bed.

He delivered a white coffee and a bacon sandwich on bread with ketchup. I drink black coffee and like a bacon sandwich on toast with brown sauce.

After 12 years together I finally realised how little he thought about me.

It was my birthday last week and my now DP bought me shoes, earrings, a necklace, a top AND a night away which is booked and paid for ( there are even restaurants booked!) and he made me dinner!

You deserve better

This is such a great story. Good on you!

I get it OP and you are not being unreasonable.

He experiences the efforts you make for his and your kids’ birthdays, even his own mother’s and can’t be arsed to think about yours in advance or do anything for you without being told to. That’s just crap. CRAP. Inconsiderate. Is he autistic? Or lacking empathy?

Yep

This is a brilliant post.