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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner says awful things to me

32 replies

Isabella1986 · 07/10/2023 01:00

I’ve a two year old and a baby my partner says I bring nothing to the table. He tells me I’m useless and is never there for me. He comes home late and has usually been drinking, if I ask him what he’s been doing he gets angry at me and either leaves or gives me the silent treatment and tells me not to question him. I do everything I can for our family and feel he has no respect for me at all.

OP posts:
bemorebernard · 07/10/2023 01:02

Omg . Why are you there ? Why are you with him ?

Leave !

Original poster
Isabella1986 · 07/10/2023 01:04

Somedays he’s lovely, I want a family a father for my children. Some days I think to myself I would be better without him other days I think just put up with it.

OP posts:
makingforwardprogress · 07/10/2023 01:07

how many years are you prepared to live feeling like this though? It won't change. If you put up with it for 10 years then leave you will spend your whole life 10 years behind where you could have been, for the sake of 10 years of misery.

Original poster
Isabella1986 · 07/10/2023 01:10

He said to me the other day ‘ I would be a good catch for someone’ you should appreciate what I do. He’s meaning going to work and providing money he doesn’t have to lift a finger when it comes to the children.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2023 01:12

Isabella1986 · 07/10/2023 01:04

Somedays he’s lovely, I want a family a father for my children. Some days I think to myself I would be better without him other days I think just put up with it.

Edited

He can use his 'somedays' for when he sees the kids and you've gone. Is this really the environment you want for your children and you?

Original poster
Isabella1986 · 07/10/2023 01:17

I have left before when he’s been verbally abusive towards me but then he ignores me when I try contact him telling him how awful he’s been. Then 3 weeks down the line he promises me things will be different and he’s sorry and he loves me and misses his family. Once I’m back it’s the same cycle again

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 07/10/2023 01:20

Ok so you know he is an abusive liar. That should clarify things.

Original poster
Isabella1986 · 07/10/2023 01:23

He is ! I’ve told him he’s been abusive and he says he’s under pressure at work and it’s because I’m the closest to him

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 07/10/2023 01:31

No father present would be immeasurably, infinitely better than a drinking, unstable tyrant of a father.

You and your children will never know where you stand with him. When the next bout of abuse or horrible mood is coming. This isn’t going to get better.

Get out OP and find peace, if not for you, for your children. Only you can choose to protect them from this unstable, unpredictable arsehole.

Mmhmmn · 07/10/2023 01:33

Isabella1986 · 07/10/2023 01:23

He is ! I’ve told him he’s been abusive and he says he’s under pressure at work and it’s because I’m the closest to him

And?? He thinks that’s OK? He thinks you need that in your life? You don’t. You weren’t put on earth to absorb his stress and rage.

Maplestars · 07/10/2023 01:37

Hes abusive. He knows that. You know that. He’s not bothered. He’s not going to change
when you leave him you don’t need to call him to tell him how horrible he’s been, you just leave him. When he calls you to tell you it will be different, you know now that it won’t be. So you know not to engage

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2023 01:38

Sorry to be blunt but you're failing your children if you stay in this relationship. If he's abusive to you because you're the "closest to him" do you not think he'll also be capable of being abusive to them at some point? Nice little ready made punching bags already conditioned to take his shit just like mummy did?

They don't need a father or a family like this. No child does. Show them what they should do when someone abuses them and leave.

Mmhmmn · 07/10/2023 01:38

I have left before when he’s been verbally abusive towards me but then he ignores me when I try contact him telling him how awful he’s been.

The point is to stop the cycle of abuse by leaving the abuser and not contacting
him and not going back to him.

Original poster
Isabella1986 · 07/10/2023 01:41

He obviously does think it’s okay because he says he’s sorry after and he doesn’t mean it. Then he’s lovely towards me worms his way back into the good books. Stupid me falls for it.

OP posts:
Cumbrianlife · 07/10/2023 01:41

Are you married? Do you work? Who owns your home? Time to get organised, protect your DC and leave.

Original poster
Isabella1986 · 07/10/2023 01:44

I get into contact as it frustrates me how he’s treated me and how he hasn’t had made time to see the children.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 07/10/2023 01:46

It really is ok to grow without a father at home, especially when the father is an arse.

Hermittrismegistus · 07/10/2023 01:50

If I were you I wouldn't want such a dickhead to have contact with the children. You've chosen a really shitty man to father them.

Then he’s lovely towards me worms his way back into the good books. Stupid me falls for it

You're an adult and a mother. You need grow up and act to protect your children from growing up in a household with a verbally abusive man.
You can do it, your life doesn't have to be a Jeremy Kyle episode. Don't pretend you have no choice in this.

PaminaMozart · 07/10/2023 01:55

What has happened in your life to (a) choose such an abusive loser to be the father of your children, and (b) to value yourself so little that you demean yourself repeatedly in order to stay with this man?

I'm sorry, but I get so angry when I read of women still putting up with this shit. This is 2023 - why, just why?

LAMPS1 · 07/10/2023 01:59

You are his emotional punch bag OP.
His self esteem/ambition/motivation to better his life is poor and so he uses you to abuse emotionally, as it somehow makes him feel more worthy. He sounds immature and cowardly. He knows he’s in the wrong and given that you have left before and then given him a chance to prove he’s changed, you already know for a fact that he won’t change.
It’s not looking like a good future for you and your babies if you stay.
Sounds like a miserable existence waiting for him to be different but not holding out much hope.

If you can possibly get out and stay out, I would. You’ve done it before …can you do it again ? I feel you would have a calmer, more contented life bringing up your babies yourself …as you already do, providing a more positive, happy atmosphere for them to thrive in.
Take a good look at how you could manage and start planning.
Good luck! You sound like a very capable mum by the way.

TwighttimeVandhuk3 · 07/10/2023 02:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Isabella1986 · 07/10/2023 02:07

I arnt pretending I have no choice in this, It’s a difficult cycle to break. It’s living a emotional rollercoaster.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 07/10/2023 03:16

Get off the roller-coaster and focus on yourself and your children. They did not ask to be born - it's your responsibility to ensure that they don't grow up in this emotionally damaging environment.

luckysonofagun · 07/10/2023 03:54

It will not stop. If you stay with him you are not ensuring your dc have a dad, you are teaching them it's ok to let people be abusive to you. Which will impact on their relationships when they are older.

You need to leave, no talking it through, no waiting for him to realise he needs to better (it will never happen) no listening to excuses. Move on and be happy.

Ofcourseshecan · 07/10/2023 06:20

Mmhmmn · 07/10/2023 01:31

No father present would be immeasurably, infinitely better than a drinking, unstable tyrant of a father.

You and your children will never know where you stand with him. When the next bout of abuse or horrible mood is coming. This isn’t going to get better.

Get out OP and find peace, if not for you, for your children. Only you can choose to protect them from this unstable, unpredictable arsehole.

I agree with this, and what everyone else is saying. Please leave this abusive drinker, for DC’s sake as well as your own.