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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you help me keep my big girl pants on this weekend please? Hand hold needed!

43 replies

beigevase · 06/10/2023 15:49

I am alone this weekend. Well apart from me and youngest dc. My whole family are abroad.

My exh is emotionally abusive and controlling. 2 weeks ago we split for good but I knew it wasn't going to be easy. We have separated, he's gone. My house is mine. But he has been giving me a really hard time lately except when he's been trying to worm his way back in.

I have blocked him on everything. Just using an email address to communicate - I have to log in to check it.

I am absolutely petrified he is going to turn up this weekend. Usually I would have my family around me but I'm completely alone.

The trauma bond is huge here!

I just need just even one person to be here that I could possibly talk to this weekend and then I'll be ok. I just need my mum!

I haven't contacted her about any of the grief she's given me because she would worry and she's abroad. I don't want to spoil her holiday.

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 06/10/2023 16:05

So sorry you're going through this. Is there absolutely nobody else who can be with you? I understand it's hard but if there isn't anyone, keep all doors locked and if ex turns up getting aggressive get straight on the phone to the police If you feel in danger

GingeNinga · 06/10/2023 16:09

Oh OP, I’m so sorry to hear this, but well done for getting him out -that’s the first major step.

if there’s no friends or anyone that could stay with you this weekend, are you and DC able to book into a cheap hotel for a weekend break, or camping as the weather is meant to be lovely?

TravellingT · 06/10/2023 16:16

You poor thing. I would suggest staying out of the house as much as possible in the daytime.

Do you have friends you can visit? Or who can visit you?

Have you changed the locks, and does he have any keys?

Does he know your family aren't around this weekend?

Original poster
beigevase · 06/10/2023 16:32

This is the first weekend where my step son should also be coming to stay but he obviously can't now. I think this is what is going to make him angry. He is at his mums house but her house is absolutely awful and he won't let my step son stay there. So I don't think he will be having him at all which will lead to grief from his ex.....which will then be my fault. Step son was also supposed to have a sleepover here this weekend.

I am pet sitting for my mum so it would be difficult to get away although I have looked. It's for her cats so I could possibly just go and put loads of extra food down for them. My mum would understand and tell me to do what I need too.

He hasn't got any keys that I'm aware of. He knows my family are away unfortunately but I've told him my dad is coming to stay - he's not. I don't get on well with my dad and have a huge lack of trust in him. He's the reason I pick such crappy men but in my last message to ExH I told him my dad would be here all weekend.

I also told him I've spoken to the police. Again I haven't but I will if I need too. I have spoken to them about him in the past so he is well aware I will do it and he believes that I have this time. Not sure if that was a stupid move.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 06/10/2023 16:44

OP

Would being at the other end of the phone help?

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 06/10/2023 16:48

Could you go stay at your mum's as she's away?
I wouldn't want to stay in your house worrying that he's going to turn up.
The alternative is to batten down the hatches and hope he doesn't turn up, if he does call the police immediately.
Tomorrow I'd make it a priority to get your locks changed, don't rely on thinking he doesn't have a key.
❤️

StrongTea · 06/10/2023 16:57

If you haven’t already got one get camera/video doorbell thing. Any friendly neighbours you could ring if he does appear?

Original poster
beigevase · 06/10/2023 17:04

StrongTea · 06/10/2023 16:57

If you haven’t already got one get camera/video doorbell thing. Any friendly neighbours you could ring if he does appear?

I have one. Typically it was all controlled by him. I told him to de register it and he has - thinking that the police were going to make him do it. The cameras are no longer working and he has emailed me proof that he has de registered them. They are also now de registered from me too. I need the QR code to get them back on. I don't have them to hand but they are on the cameras hence why I have someone coming with some ladders later to set it back up for me.

If any of that makes sense.

He was adamant I needed cameras on my house. As soon as I bought them he set them all up in his name without asking. I have always had access to them too but he was the main account holder. It's caused nothing but problems.

Last week I had a random lady in my front garden who got into a waiting car. He was absolutely convinced it was me going off with my mystery man leaving my dc home alone. Again had to prove it wasn't

OP posts:
Original poster
beigevase · 06/10/2023 17:06

SeulementUneFois · 06/10/2023 16:44

OP

Would being at the other end of the phone help?

Possibly! I just feel so very weak! Deep down I know I will probably be fine but he is just so unpredictable.

He has promised he won't do anything that would hurt me but that means nothing!

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 06/10/2023 17:27

3 thoughts OP

  1. Get a locksmith to change the locks, the beauty of them is they're designed to come out at short notice!
  2. You might feel better staying at your mum's?
  3. Don't like the sound of this apparently deregistered camera stuff. Are you absolutely sure he's not monitoring your house?
Mmhmmn · 06/10/2023 17:30

Because..

2 weeks ago we split for good
and
Last week I had a random lady in my front garden who got into a waiting car. He was absolutely convinced it was me going off with my mystery man leaving my dc home alone. Again had to prove it wasn't

How did he know about your front garden if he's not still accessing the camera?

Original poster
beigevase · 06/10/2023 17:33

Mmhmmn · 06/10/2023 17:27

3 thoughts OP

  1. Get a locksmith to change the locks, the beauty of them is they're designed to come out at short notice!
  2. You might feel better staying at your mum's?
  3. Don't like the sound of this apparently deregistered camera stuff. Are you absolutely sure he's not monitoring your house?

I'm pretty certain he's not. The email forwarded me was the cancellation of the ring subscription and the refund he would get. It was a real email.

My ring app doesn't work at all since he deactivated it. I think it's real. I will contact ring themselves just to double check.

Also - his mum and my mum are literally 2 minutes away from each other. He will be going back to his mums so he would be even closer to me than he would if I were here. Saying that I'm only 10 minutes away from his mums myself.

If I can get the cameras working, I would feel safer here

OP posts:
Original poster
beigevase · 06/10/2023 17:34

@Mmhmmn that was last weekend when he had full access. He deleted it in the early hours of this morning and sent me the proof this afternoon

OP posts:
XMissPlacedX · 06/10/2023 17:38

Stick a plaster or something over the ring camera for now op to cover the lens. Order a new one from Amazon.

Mmhmmn · 06/10/2023 17:39

XMissPlacedX · 06/10/2023 17:38

Stick a plaster or something over the ring camera for now op to cover the lens. Order a new one from Amazon.

Agree with that.

NotKeanuReeves · 06/10/2023 17:40

Could you contact women’s aid for support?

Original poster
beigevase · 06/10/2023 17:42

XMissPlacedX · 06/10/2023 17:38

Stick a plaster or something over the ring camera for now op to cover the lens. Order a new one from Amazon.

The cameras aren't on at all. I'm pretty certain they aren't.

OP posts:
Original poster
beigevase · 06/10/2023 17:44

NotKeanuReeves · 06/10/2023 17:40

Could you contact women’s aid for support?

I contacted them this morning. They were fine but just told me to contact my local domestic abuse charity. I've worked with them before. I've sent them an email. Just so embarrassed that I am back here again!

Though I have come a long way I suppose, I have my own home now, done therapy (obvs not worked but still) doing the freedom programme too

OP posts:
griegwithhimandhim · 06/10/2023 17:45

Do you know your neighbours fairly well? It might be worth letting them know that you are worried about this, and that you are scared he is going to come and intimidate you. Ask them to call the police if they see him or his car, or any unusual activity at your house.

Original poster
beigevase · 06/10/2023 17:51

griegwithhimandhim · 06/10/2023 17:45

Do you know your neighbours fairly well? It might be worth letting them know that you are worried about this, and that you are scared he is going to come and intimidate you. Ask them to call the police if they see him or his car, or any unusual activity at your house.

Yes I know them but they are both so elderly on each side. I can definitely go give one a knock though.

The issue is they all know him and he's respected by them. He talks to absolutely everyone whereas I barely say a word. He's offered to do work on all their gardens free of charge cos that's the type of person he is.....

I think they will be shocked but hopefully I will be believed

OP posts:
HowIsItOctoberAlready · 06/10/2023 18:13

Completely agree about the cameras. What about your other tech? Does he have access to your WiFi?

Twazique · 06/10/2023 18:47

You could also have a (non emergency) chat to the police and they will tell you what to do if he does turn up and won't leave when you don't answer the door. It would also mean that they are aware of a potential problem.

Original poster
beigevase · 06/10/2023 19:04

Twazique · 06/10/2023 18:47

You could also have a (non emergency) chat to the police and they will tell you what to do if he does turn up and won't leave when you don't answer the door. It would also mean that they are aware of a potential problem.

I've thought about ringing them for advice. But last time I did this, social service then called. They were lovely and just said they were there for me and gave me advice. However I've made the same mistake. It doesn't look great on my part.

Saying that, my kids haven't witnessed anything. He has never hit me or even shouted at me. It has all been silent treatment. The kids are missing him so to them, he is nothing but nice.

I just feel like such an absolute idiot!

OP posts:
Original poster
beigevase · 06/10/2023 19:05

HowIsItOctoberAlready · 06/10/2023 18:13

Completely agree about the cameras. What about your other tech? Does he have access to your WiFi?

No it's mine. Could he access what I'm looking at somehow? He really isn't that clever, pretty useless with technology.

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 06/10/2023 19:10

Do you have a chain for the front door? If not, get one installed and keep it on while you're at home.

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