Can you help me keep my big girl pants on this weekend please? Hand hold needed!

[beigevase]

I am alone this weekend. Well apart from me and youngest dc. My whole family are abroad.

My exh is emotionally abusive and controlling. 2 weeks ago we split for good but I knew it wasn't going to be easy. We have separated, he's gone. My house is mine. But he has been giving me a really hard time lately except when he's been trying to worm his way back in.

I have blocked him on everything. Just using an email address to communicate - I have to log in to check it.

I am absolutely petrified he is going to turn up this weekend. Usually I would have my family around me but I'm completely alone.

The trauma bond is huge here!

I just need just even one person to be here that I could possibly talk to this weekend and then I'll be ok. I just need my mum!

I haven't contacted her about any of the grief she's given me because she would worry and she's abroad. I don't want to spoil her holiday.

I mean, does he have the WiFi password? Probably worth changing it, if he does, just in case

Hi @beigevase
Hand hold here.
Sorry you're going through this.
You can do this hun, weekend will fly by xx

@HowIsItOctoberAlready oh I see, I don't know if he has it but I agree at changing it.

Changing a lock is very simple and barrels are cheaply available at Screwfix, Toolstation and B&Q.
See the link.

Op it has worked because you have left him, you should be very proud of your bravery even if you don't feel that way.

Is it too short notice to invite a friend over to stay? Could you also go out for most of the days too x

Weather’s meant to be nice this weekend OP- feed your Mum’s cats then go buy a picnic and head out somewhere each day for a day out? Then in the evening, close all the curtains, double lock the door and turn your phone off, get a nice tea in and watch a film :)

OP, he doesn’t need to know your dad is coming over, he doesn’t need to know where you’re staying, you don’t need to convince him you weren’t getting in a car with a stranger.

You don’t need to communicate with him at all for the rest of the weekend.

Block him.

None of the professionals you’ve dealt with will think badly of you. On average, it takes 7 attempts for people to leave their abusive partners so it’s completely normal for them to see the same people a few times.

Change your passwords on everything.

If you need to communicate with him about DC, get an email address just for him. Tell him you’re not going to respond to texts any longer and to email you. Keep to contact arrangements only. No details about what you’re doing etc. Just “Will you be here at 10am as arranged?”.

Grey rock and disengage.

Speak to in-emergency police tomorrow about what to do if he shows up. Tell them everything.

Stay safe 💐

I have blocked him and set up a separate email address. I said that earlier.

The result of a trauma bond. You can't win in your head. You ignore and you run the risk of things getting really nasty. You do what he asks and he still is in control of you.

All the best for a peaceful weekend, OP.

All ok last night.

I received an email from him to reassure me he won't do anymore to hurt me and I don't need to be scared. Unsure of how genuine that is - I really don't know who he is at all.

Regardless, it was an ok night. I slept really well. I needed it as ive barely slept in the last week. Still absolutely exhausted but feel sort of better today.

Taking DS swimming which I regret already agreeing to but at least it's something to do.

Well done OP. How often are you checking the email address you've set up for him? This is a special email for him right? Not your general email?
Could it be an idea not to log into it for the rest of the weekend, get some headspace?
You're doing really well!

Hi @beigevase
Glad to hear everything is ok x

Yes it's the email address I set up just to speak about DS. Not mine.

I've also sorted the cameras out. I feel so much better and I actually did it myself - had to climb up some ladders at the side of my house shaking like a leaf but I did it.

I've spoken to Ring customer service and they were brilliant. They reassured me that he cannot see the cameras. He had completely deactivated it all and now they are re set up in my name and I am the main account holder. I know full well that he has the QR code but even if he tried to set it up himself, he can't do it because they are now registered to me.

So that's really made me feel like I'm more in control.

Ah that's brilliant OP. Keep going, you are smashing this x

Thank you. Just tonight to get through but think I'll be fine. I'm pretty certain I have nothing to worry about.

DS is just getting so sad at not seeing his dad. I have no idea what to say - he's only 5.

How are you doing OP?

Well done OP.

I'm ok thank you. I am having my wobbles. I don't feel my boundaries are being met with his emails but it's ok. I'm still being strong and keeping doing. I'm just glad the weekend is over. I don't know why I was dreading it so much - my family aren't back until Thursday. There was just something about it that made me feel so uneasy.