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Original poster

What's your opinion on this?

30 replies

Welllookwhoitisxo · 05/10/2023 23:56

Partner and ex still do everything together with DC (5). They separated over three years ago. They go on days out, drives in the car, out for lunch, goes and spends time in her house, baths DC and puts them to bed.

I'm not allowed to meet said child, DC mum won't allow it. We've been together nearly two years. I'm not allowed to his when child is in bed, for fear child's mum will find out.

DC mum got very upset when asked if I could meet DC over a year ago. It was never approached again. DP doesn't like to upset her or hurt her feelings, as she is mother of child.

How would others feel about this?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 05/10/2023 23:58

Are you sure they're really living apart?

Zola1 · 06/10/2023 00:00

He needs to disentangle himself this isn't normal

I suspect there's more to it. Eg they're still together or he's telling her they're going to be able to sort things out

Nipplesrus · 06/10/2023 00:01

Time to formalise things.

Moveoverdarlin · 06/10/2023 00:02

I wouldn’t entertain a relationship where my DP was so involved with his ex. I wouldn’t give two hoots about meeting the daughter, so that wouldn’t bother me but I would drive myself insane with jealousy thinking they were playing happy families.

newfriend05 · 06/10/2023 00:12

Red flags all over this OP ... she's always going to have the upper hand and she's not going anywhere.. I've had a boyfriend with an ex like this .. nightmare

Original poster
Welllookwhoitisxo · 06/10/2023 00:18

She always asks if we're still together, and questions if he can't have DC one evening if we make the odd plans here and there. Also never refers to me by name, just 'your girlfriend.' She has also messaged me in the past being very nice, but trying to put me off him.

I've basically now said it all either stops, as contact like this should be with him and DC, or we need to finish and he can go back to her. Our lives have not been able to blend together at all due to this. Feel like it's a nonstarter. 20 months of working around someone else's feelings.

OP posts:
Scruffthemagicdragon · 06/10/2023 00:49

What did she say to try to put you off him? And do you know that she is driving this because you have heard it from her, or only via him? I'm not saying it's not her.

xxchinese · 06/10/2023 01:00

That's bitter baby mothers for you and he clearly cares about her feelings more than yours

BabyFireflyx · 06/10/2023 02:12

I used to use the benchmark of at least 6 months being together before introducing the child. This is a bit batshit. If it's all this entrenched I struggle to see where you eventually fit in. They're still playing happy family. I'd be seriously questioning him on the future and getting out of dodge if he can't give realistic answers. You cant play second fiddle to the family he's carrying on through make believe. There's a reason he's still playing along.

Original poster
Welllookwhoitisxo · 06/10/2023 07:30

I posted regarding the scenario when we reached 14 months and it was all still very ongoing. The majority of MN made me sound jealous and controlling, when in fact I've done my very best to keep out of the situation. However I am sick of my feelings being hurt and placed on the back burner, to keep this woman happy.

He's said he understands it all needs to change and is doing his best to cut back on the time he spends with her. He has concerns about her stopping contact though, as it all really blew up when she was asked if I could meet DC.

Thanks to everyone for being so kind with responses.

OP posts:
Phleghm · 06/10/2023 07:35

Apart from everything else, it's ultimately going to be confusing for the child to have separated parents who do everything together. My parents did this when they split up- I think it's nice when there are birthdays etc for kids to see that parents can be kind to one another and spend time together, but it was quite confusing and a bit worrying for me. I spent many years wondering will they/won't they get back together, which wasn't a stable place for me to be, emotionally.

Letsbepractical · 06/10/2023 07:37

OP - I was in a similar scenario for almost 5 years (! - what was I thinking!) and it does NOT get better. You’ll always be an afterthought. The ex and her wishes and wants will rule your life as your DP will be too scared to upset her in any way.
I say - run now and find a man who is not as entangled in the past as this guy is.

Original poster
Welllookwhoitisxo · 06/10/2023 08:00

@Scruffthemagicdragon she was messaging me saying what an awful dad he was, how he is dreadful with their LO. Yet she still allows, facilitates and pushes for contact. I personally would not be doing so if he was such an unstable father. She was telling me he's not the kind of man I should want around my DCs.
@Phleghm yes I fully agree! I have voiced this also, he said he didn't want the separation to be as it was when his parents split.

The problem is she feels so entitled to know things about our relationship and I'm just not comfortable with her asking personal questions. I have absolutely no qualms with them having a relationship due to LO, but I don't feel our relationship needs to be discussed between them. I'm really uncomfortable with this.

OP posts:
Zola1 · 06/10/2023 08:08

He's allowing this. He's either totally entangled with her still, lying to you and having an ongoing romantic relationship with her, or He's a complete shit bag who can't stand up to his ex and allows her to run his life.
None of those are good options

SaracensMavericks · 06/10/2023 08:12

No, after nearly two years I wouldn't be happy about this.

MrsElsa · 06/10/2023 08:15

There are other men in the world you know? Throw this one back in the sea. Way too much drama. You might want to set a clear rule only to date childfree men, it's no one's business but yours.

Original poster
Welllookwhoitisxo · 06/10/2023 08:32

@MrsElsa personally I prefer to meet men who have a relationship with their children, as I find men I've spoken with in the past struggle with the understanding of what being a parent entails. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't rethought this after all this though.

OP posts:
Helpmepleaseimbusy · 06/10/2023 08:36

Welllookwhoitisxo · 06/10/2023 07:30

I posted regarding the scenario when we reached 14 months and it was all still very ongoing. The majority of MN made me sound jealous and controlling, when in fact I've done my very best to keep out of the situation. However I am sick of my feelings being hurt and placed on the back burner, to keep this woman happy.

He's said he understands it all needs to change and is doing his best to cut back on the time he spends with her. He has concerns about her stopping contact though, as it all really blew up when she was asked if I could meet DC.

Thanks to everyone for being so kind with responses.

If he has concerns about her stopping contact the he should go to court. He Sunday like a wimp

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 06/10/2023 08:37

And I cannot believe he didn't flip out about her texting you. How the hell did she get your number?! That's crazy

sodthesodoff · 06/10/2023 08:42

You have to reframe it as he's the problem not her

Yes she's batshit involved. But he allows it.
That's your problem.

If he's worried about access etc that's what courts are for. If he's a decent dad and done everything you say he has why shouldn't be a part of their lives?

Are they married/divorced?

Original poster
Welllookwhoitisxo · 06/10/2023 08:47

@Helpmepleaseimbusy it was via Facebook. They 'discussed' it afterwards 🤦🏼‍♀️ he was more upset about the things she'd said, as opposed to how stressed out and worked up the whole situation was making me.

The thing is, and I feel awful saying it, if I had the chance to meet LO now, I'm not sure I'd want to! I feel like there would be some kind of massive backlash. I love kids, come from a massive family with more kids than you can shake a stick at, but now I think I'd feel really on edge about spending any time with him. I worry about how she'd be, or what she'd say next to dampen things. I also know he wouldn't stand up for me or defend us.

OP posts:
ReadySalty · 06/10/2023 09:01

You're always going to come second to his ex. Cut your losses.

sodthesodoff · 06/10/2023 09:20

I also know he wouldn't stand up for me or defend us.

That's your problem. After two years he's still not got your back

He never will

greyhairnomore · 06/10/2023 10:05

You've said it, even if you met the child now, it would cause all sorts of trouble.
I'd end this relationship.

NotSoDishyNow · 06/10/2023 10:09

Are you sure the text was from her and not him engineering this fake text?
How could she think this of him yet he is doing so much and very involved with the child, something doesn't add up. I wouldn't be with him, it's all too messy I'd wonder if they are actually separated.